Second date

[Shortie71]

Work shifts and not much of a drinker. So I am on a dating site. I have met a couple of men for a date. Sometimes it's me that not interested in a second date, but I am always polite and honest. Sometimes it is them. I just find internet dating very cattle market like. Yes we are all bad at it in our way, judging someone by their photo or what they have written on their profile. But it seem to be to the extreme. Not taking the time to actually getting to know the person or just being polite, it's all or nothing on the picture catching their attention, having the right catch phase. Being 100% perfect on the first date. I've even had someone tell me they stopped replying to someone because of there casual grammar and spelling. We all seem to holding the other person to be 100% perfect, a standard that we might not being giving out to them. What happened to taking the good with bad, acknowledging the persons faults as well as your own and seeing this is what us them different and what makes us. Embracing the other option and seeing it from different angle and prospective. I thought this was how we learnt and grow. Opening our minds. Enjoying that someone feels comfortable enough in your company that they are relaxed and being themselves around you.

 

I have a second date with a man, he's appears very nice, easy to talk to and funny. Open about who he is and what wants. No game playing, just open and out there.

 

For the first time I feel relaxed about meeting up again. not scared that I'll say something wrong, spell something wrong or express a view that suddenly ends in being just cut off.

 

Really starting to look forward to Saturday now

[Batya33]

Enjoy! And don't internet date. Meet in person ASAP. I didn't find it different from meeting a stranger in a bar or club kind of scene where the first impressions are mostly about looks. On line was better because of the safety/compatibility screening you could do prior to contacting (if the profile was accurate).

 

I know several lovely couples who met through on line sites and are married or similarly committed.

 

I didn't expect perfection and I don't think that's what's happening and at the same time people are entitled to their standards. I did decline to meet people who had bad grammar and spelling at a level that meant we wouldn't have enough in common for the long term (same with using offensive or inappropriate language). And of course these are strangers and it's a dating site -not deciding whether to just speak with someone as a potential acquaintance.

 

Enjoy and I hope you're able to see the positives from being able to meet people in person through on line sites as one way to meet a potential match.

[ParisPaulette]

Meh, the problem with Internet dating is it's a cold calling telemarketing game for relationships. If you've ever done any sales, surveys, or had to ring people up trying to get them to do things when they are strangers you'll understand that it is very, very hard. You will judge each other simply because you don't know each other and first impressions are all anyone has to go on. It's not dating like it is where you get to know someone through shared activities or friends first then decide to go out with them.

 

It's a tough market, a tough sell, and it's also a numbers game. So keep dating, good on getting a second date. You have to go out and enjoy the experience itself and get to know people and in amongst all the not right you'll find people who are, give them and yourself time. And patience, lots of patience.

 

Good luck, have fun.

[Shortie71]

Thanks Paris Paulette you hit on the head. It's not a natural chat, it's more like interviewing and selling yourself for the post lol.

 

Guess I've been out of dating for to long that I am noticing and feeling the change in it.

[j.man]

I don't know. Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed online dating and did a lot of it, of course with it serving as a supplement for my real-life social life. Sure, you get your social duds and your scary women (I suppose "creepers" being the male equivalent), but I've never once seen it as a cattle market, even acknowledging the hyperbole. Its explicit purpose is to increase your numbers and possibilities, and I can't think of any reason you'd do that if you weren't going to afford yourself some additional license to be picky. If you're looking to sacrifice a bunch of standards for the sake of settling, there are much easier and quicker ways to go about that.

 

I will say I did briefly give a paid site a shot and didn't enjoy my experience at all. Seemed like, because they paid, they felt entitled to a ROI on it and didn't want to waste time with a casual and fun first date. Those did feel like interviews. But to each their own, I suppose. I logged off and let those folks do their thing.

 

I think one thing that helped out a lot was I never gave up prime time slots for a first or even second date. Early afternoon Saturday or Sunday, late enough on a weekday to be hungry again for a post-dinner sandwich but early enough to not break into my night time thug life animal YouTube videos routine. $4.00 for an overpriced coffee or cheese sandwich and 30 minutes were pretty much all I ever stood to lose, and I found that just dropping expectations and being myself got the person across from me to do the same. Dates were pretty enjoyable even if I wasn't particularly into the person.

 

I'd say if you catch yourself cynical about the whole thing, take a break. I personally can't imagine doing OLD without considering it fun. That would be miserable.

[DancingFool]

Thank you jmann. I very much felt the same about OLD. For the most part it was fun, even the "crazy" dates were in their own way entertaining and made for some hilarious stories to share with friends later. No, nobody expects you to be 100% perfect. Frankly, OP, I found your post a bit disturbing in that it is dripping with personal insecurities and that you are projecting an awful lot onto other people some strange expectations and pressures that you think are being projected onto you. Yup, it's convoluted.

 

Of course nobody is perfect and nobody expect anyone to be so. That said, people are absolutely entitled to their judgments, standards, assorted preferences and even prejudices. It's not your job to be perfect at all times towards everyone and meet everyone's assorted random expectations. YOUR job is to be yourself, comfortable, relaxed, imperfect and to meet a person who likes you exactly as you come, flaws and all. That is the ultimate point of dating. If someone will not set up a second date with you because you had a single typo in your follow up text message.....so what? It's their prerogative. Don't forget that it's also YOUR prerogative to look at that person and go "wow, what a shallow, incompatible, judgmental dbag".

 

When dating, OP, remember that you are both doing the choosing and you aren't supposed to please everyone. You are looking for that ONE right person for you and that involves drinking coffee with a lot of frogs and weirdos that aren't your prince. That's just life.

[Shortie71]

What OP stand for ?

[Jibralta]

It's not just limited to dating. Some people will judge you based on your beer preferences, or the music you listen to. I think that, at least in American culture, we have become accustomed to the Burger King motto of life: Your Way, Right Away.

[DancingFool]

What OP stand for ?

 

Original Poster, in other words you Shortie71

[Shortie71]

Am not insecure I just find it sad that's how people view each other, yes on major thing I get, a non drinker won't be interested in someone who loves spending every weekend at the pub, beliefs and even religion. But to view someone on the grammar and spelling before taking the time to learn that person has dyslexia (as in the mans case I got talking to, he said had blocked and even mocked for it) or kids as baggage. As adults who doesn't have a past, mistakes or baggage behind them. Am not religious and going to quote any thing about mocking or casting the first stone. But it's sad that even if the attraction or common interest isn't there, that manners aren't.

[Annia]

I don't know. Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed online dating and did a lot of it, of course with it serving as a supplement for my real-life social life. Sure, you get your social duds and your scary women (I suppose "creepers" being the male equivalent), but I've never once seen it as a cattle market, even acknowledging the hyperbole. Its explicit purpose is to increase your numbers and possibilities, and I can't think of any reason you'd do that if you weren't going to afford yourself some additional license to be picky. If you're looking to sacrifice a bunch of standards for the sake of settling, there are much easier and quicker ways to go about that.

 

I will say I did briefly give a paid site a shot and didn't enjoy my experience at all. Seemed like, because they paid, they felt entitled to a ROI on it and didn't want to waste time with a casual and fun first date. Those did feel like interviews. But to each their own, I suppose. I logged off and let those folks do their thing.

 

I think one thing that helped out a lot was I never gave up prime time slots for a first or even second date. Early afternoon Saturday or Sunday, late enough on a weekday to be hungry again for a post-dinner sandwich but early enough to not break into my night time thug life animal YouTube videos routine. $4.00 for an overpriced coffee or cheese sandwich and 30 minutes were pretty much all I ever stood to lose, and I found that just dropping expectations and being myself got the person across from me to do the same. Dates were pretty enjoyable even if I wasn't particularly into the person.

 

I'd say if you catch yourself cynical about the whole thing, take a break. I personally can't imagine doing OLD without considering it fun. That would be miserable.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

If you're doing online dating you should never have high expectations for the first dates (well, this should be true even with other methods of dating) and should never take things personally. When you meet people online without a prior connection to friends or activities in common it's easier to bail out if things aren't going that well and it also increases your "scope of action"/dating pool that you have access to, so most people (except maybe for some paying websites) don't feel so much that urgency or that "if I blow it with this person I'll never meet anyone else!" or "I can't let this one pass or I'm screwed".

 

Having said that, it can be tough for some people but it's supposed to be light and fun. If you don't feel pleasure in it or if it bothers you a lot just stop. If you keep on using it frequently you'll meet creeps, wonderful people, men that will ghost you, men that will like you but you won't feel the same, etc. It's all part of it and dating in general.

 

I used to go to dates full of delusional expectations (I used to be very needy and insecure as I've written here many times) and I'd take "rejection" very personally, until I realised that I was sabotaging my experience. Who cares what they think? They're strangers. I had great dates that never moved to a second or third date but I had fun. That's what it's all about. Sometimes it leads to something more, sometimes it doesn't. Some "non successful" experiences are even fun stories to tell friends.

[Batya33]

Am not insecure I just find it sad that's how people view each other, yes on major thing I get, a non drinker won't be interested in someone who loves spending every weekend at the pub, beliefs and even religion. But to view someone on the grammar and spelling before taking the time to learn that person has dyslexia (as in the mans case I got talking to, he said had blocked and even mocked for it) or kids as baggage. As adults who doesn't have a past, mistakes or baggage behind them. Am not religious and going to quote any thing about mocking or casting the first stone. But it's sad that even if the attraction or common interest isn't there, that manners aren't.

But it's a dating site to select people to meet for a date and often for a potential relationship -it's not a professional setting, it's not to make friends, etc. If someone has trouble spelling/grammar because of a learning disability and is on a dating site that might be something the person wants to share in the profile so as not to give an unintended impression. When I was looking to get married, I didn't have time to inquire into every potential profile as to whether the dealbreakers I saw were actually dealbreakers - there were many people without those dealbreakers and that is how I chose to spend my sparse free time. Of course all adults have pasts and people choose what of those pasts are acceptable and what not. Those with many dealbreakers likely will have a smaller dating pool -and there's nothing wrong with that. When someone wrote to me with bad grammar or spelling without explanation as to why, that gave me the impression that he didn't care enough about making an articulate first impression and/or perhaps wasn't interested in education or intellectual pursuits. Fair? I don't know -dating isn't supposed to be "fair" - but that is the impression, just like a typo on a resume will get your resume into the circular file most likely. If the person explained that he is dyslexic or that English is not his first language that likely would make a difference in my impression. I remember getting an email from someone who wrote he wasn't into the "bar "seenz". Sorry, but, yes, that among other things was a dealbreaker for dating purposes.

[Titanll]

So did you meet this guy online? So OLD is a perfectly good way to meet someone to date.

 

Congrats.