Should I stay or should I go now?

[imfinna]

Will there be a clash? If I go will it be trouble? If I stay will it be double?

 

I've been dating my roommate for the past few months. See following post for more reference:

"Unexpectedly fell in love with my roommate and confused about us"

 

 

But in short we are:

-obviously living together and I've sorta moved into his room

-exclusive to each other, meaning not sleeping or seeking relations with anyone else

-love each other very much and have expressed things such as how we could see ourselves getting married to one another

 

 

However we've come to a point where he's known for a couple months that I'm ready for a relationship. And I've basically been waiting for him to figure things out. The other day he basically broke up with me and said he's afraid of being in a relationship and feels like he'd have to modify his behavior (because I'm a jealous type) so that he doesn't upset me and thinks that this is going against who he is.

 

He said he wanted things to go back to being cool with each other where we don't have any type of expectations of things. Meaning no more intimacy and me moving out of his room.

 

I moved out of his room and we talked for hours on end and I ended up crying my eyes out and he cried his eyes out too. He asked if he could sleep in my bed with me then the next day we shared a bond that was unlike any other and it was the best couple days after, we were also back to being intimate and me sleeping in his B with him but didn't move back into his room.

 

This was a few days ago and things have been great until last night he told me that he's realized he really isn't ready for a relationship. I asked why and he told me that it was because he wasn't ready to compromise his time and energy, I asked why again and he expressed it came from the root of selfishness.

 

After this talk we were fine and even intimate.

 

His actions don't align with his words. I don't understand why he gives me his all with the exception of solidifying our status as a relationship. He used to tell me something along the lines of... if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and sounds like a duck...it is a duck.

The duck meaning being in a relationship/boyfriend-girlfriend....because I was pressuring him about it before. Now I've found myself saying that and he's saying he's not ready.

 

I'm not sure what the best thing to do here is.

If you ready my other post, you'd have seen that I set a timer for September 1st to see what happens and then just move on from there if he's still not ready. I'm not sure if that would just be a waste of time now since I now know that he isn't ready. We are set on different paths and it's really confusing since his actions paint a different picture for me... which brings me to this quote that I recently stumbled upon by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear what you're saying"

 

I'm afraid of what will come whether I stay or go...especially considering that we are roommates...

[Keyman]

if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and sounds like a duck...it is a duck...

 

To be honest, I'm not sure if duck ever meant relationship to him, perhaps just more something that rhymes with duck.

 

He pursued the hot chick in the house he was living in, then finally got her into his bed, he played with the close and emotional talk to keep her there, then when he had enough he tossed her aside and 'isn't ready for a relationship or being tied down' (meaning he wants to pursue some other women and get her into his bed.).

 

Sorry, sounds like you've been played by a player.

[Andrina]

You're not important enough for him to want to be exclusive with, but you're in a convenient location for him to have regular sex with. You don't have the same dating/relationship goals, so it'll never work. What would I do? Not have sex with him. Tell him from now on, you will only be roommates and that you will be moving out when the lease is up. I'd lock my bedroom door and make myself scarce when he's around so that you don't give in to his flirtation. When the right man comes along, he will want to have you all to himself and will have no desire to date other women. Make sure you're single and emotionally free to allow this to happen, which will mean no contact with the ex after you move out. Take care.

[imfinna]

if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and sounds like a duck...it is a duck...

 

To be honest, I'm not sure if duck ever meant relationship to him, perhaps just more something that rhymes with duck.

 

He pursued the hot chick in the house he was living in, then finally got her into his bed, he played with the close and emotional talk to keep her there, then when he had enough he tossed her aside and 'isn't ready for a relationship or being tied down' (meaning he wants to pursue some other women and get her into his bed.).

 

Sorry, sounds like you've been played by a player.

 

I can agree with some of what you're saying but I truly don't believe his intentions were ill...we've really intertwined our lives in the sense of spending time with each others families, which isn't something we ever do with people we're dating---I've seen how he's been with women over the last two years of living together so I know he's not a "player" and never tried to pursue me sexually; he's actually the one who wanted to stop the sexual side of our relations so we could move forward being platonic but then reverted back after our long emotional talk

[Annia]

Even though I'm a believer of "actions speak louder than words", I'm also a believer that when actions don't align with words something is not right.

 

When someone tells who they are or what they want, believe them. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, even though he likes the benefits of it (sex, intimacy, couple time) without the heaviness of a commitment. So he's in a situation where he likes to have his cake and eat it too. If he wanted to have a relationship with you, he'd tell you he wants a relationship with you. He knows you want one, so if he really wanted one he'd tell you he wants it, but instead he told you bluntly he doesn't want one, even if his actions might seem otherwise. It's as simple as that.

 

I'd stop the intimacy and acting like a couple when you're actually not. Minimize contact (it's hard because you live together, but you can try to be as independent as you can) and wait until you can move out. This way you both have time and space to think and you can try to move on. If he wants a relationship with you down the road he has to be clear about it with no "ifs" or "buts" and then because you distanced yourself from him you can choose clearly if you really want it or not. If he doesn't come through to wanting the relationship, then you are on the right track of moving on. Moving out of the apartment would be good in either scenarios.

[imfinna]

You're not important enough for him to want to be exclusive with, but you're in a convenient location for him to have regular sex with. You don't have the same dating/relationship goals, so it'll never work. What would I do? Not have sex with him. Tell him from now on, you will only be roommates and that you will be moving out when the lease is up. I'd lock my bedroom door and make myself scarce when he's around so that you don't give in to his flirtation. When the right man comes along, he will want to have you all to himself and will have no desire to date other women. Make sure you're single and emotionally free to allow this to happen, which will mean no contact with the ex after you move out. Take care.

 

I've considered this route but I also don't want to move out because I really love my home plus I don't want have to live in that way...under a roof of sadness, tension and just no love. Because I have a lot of love for him and I don't blame him for any of his reasons but you're definitely right about this:

 

"You're not important enough for him to want to be exclusive with"

 

He actually wanted to stop having sex so we could move on being platonic but after our long emotional talk, we bonded and reverted back to our old behavior...

[Annia]

I've considered this route but I also don't want to move out because I really love my home plus I don't want have to live in that way...under a roof of sadness, tension and just no love.

 

But you're already living in a roof of sadness, tension and no love because you're involved with a man that is emotionally unavalable to you.

[imfinna]

Even though I'm a believer of "actions speak louder than words", I'm also a believer that when actions don't align with words something is not right.

 

When someone tells who they are or what they want, believe them. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, even though he likes the benefits of it (sex, intimacy, couple time) without the heaviness of a commitment. So he's in a situation where he likes to have his cake and eat it too. If he wanted to have a relationship with you, he'd tell you he wants a relationship with you. He knows you want one, so if he really wanted one he'd tell you he wants it, but instead he told you bluntly he doesn't want one, even if his actions might seem otherwise. It's as simple as that.

 

I'd stop the intimacy and acting like a couple when you're actually not. Minimize contact (it's hard because you live together, but you can try to be as independent as you can) and wait until you can move out. This way you both have time and space to think and you can try to move on. If he wants a relationship with you down the road he has to be clear about it with no "ifs" or "buts" and then because you distanced yourself from him you can choose clearly if you really want it or not. If he doesn't come through to wanting the relationship, then you are on the right track of moving on. Moving out of the apartment would be good in either scenarios.

 

Thank you, your words really hit a chord. I'm going to think on things more and try to move forward with what you suggest.

[imfinna]

But you're already living in a roof of sadness, tension and no love because you're involved with a man that is emotionally unavalable to you.

 

But he is emotionally available to me to a degree...which makes it confusing because he wakes up every morning and goes to bed every night telling me how much he loves and appreciates me. Telling his mom, rest of his family and his friends all these things too. It's very confusing...especially when his mom, family and friends all consider us as being together.

[thealchemist]

I think it isn't recommended to sleep with tour roommate because of all the issues your are having. It can put a rush on relationship areas while others are neglected. If you think no ill will on his part then I have another opinion. He knows himself well enough to know this is a bad idea. But he really does like you and can't control himself. He also knows it couldn't work and is a bad idea. You will not get further with him than you already are. He has enough control to keep you are arms length but not enough to so no to other things. Or it could be that he is just a lazy pig and you are there and willing. Either way it has the same outcome. A real relationship won't work. So you are going to understand that. Unless you get the willpower to not let it happen then I say it is time for a new roommate. He obviously isn't going to stop, or progress. I really think he recognizes that he is too emotionally immature right now but not enough control to do anything.

[imfinna]

You will not get further with him than you already are.

 

Couldn't agree more with you on this part. Thanks for your words, I'm going to try to muster up the willpower to move forward and onward.

[Andrina]

When you have the facts, that since he's not exclusive with you, that he is free to sleep with other women and may be doing so without your knowledge, and basically he doesn't need to tell you because it's none of your business. Is this arrangement okay with you? He would be doing this with a free conscience because he bluntly told you that he has the freedom to do what he wants.

[imfinna]

When you have the facts, that since he's not exclusive with you, that he is free to sleep with other women and may be doing so without your knowledge, and basically he doesn't need to tell you because it's none of your business. Is this arrangement okay with you? He would be doing this with a free conscience because he bluntly told you that he has the freedom to do what he wants.

 

He is exclusive with me though...we verbally agreed to that and said that we won't sleep or pursue anyone else and I'm with him all the time. I know he's not going behind my back, he's not the type of person to do that. I've seen what kind of guy he is by living with him for the past 2 years and witnessing how he is with women. He's a very honest and respectable guy. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship but isn't going to be sleeping with others for a while...he actually wanted 2017 to be a year of complete celibacy but then our relations unexpectedly came about.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like too much too soon after sleeping together.

 

It seems he just wants roommates-with-benefits but not all the complications of a live-in serious relationship.

 

Your options are moving out or stop sleeping with him if this casual arrangement doesn't work for you.

he's afraid of being in a relationship and feels like he'd have to modify his behavior because I'm a jealous type so that he doesn't upset me. we were also back to being intimate and me sleeping in his B with him.

[imfinna]

Wiseman, wise words. Yes...i don't think I'll be able to withstand being roommates with benefits without crushing my own heart...so stop sleeping with him will have to be the case. Thank you again for your words