Breadcrumb From Text: Advice Please

[FN Boomin]

Hi everyone.

 

I've received my third breadcrumb text from my ex. I'm struggling with how to handle the situation. I still love and care for her, and deep down inside, hope to one day reconcile. At the same time, I've come to accept that we aren't compatible, and under the current circumstances, unless BOTH of us change for the better, the relationship is doomed.

 

Thanks in advance for your help!

 

Background

 

-Dated this girl for just over a year. She was my honest, first true love.

-We broke up just over a month ago due to trust issues. We both played a part in the trust issues. We both have self worth and self esteem issues, that amplified the trust issues between us.

-I will admit, that I severely broke trust as I had sex with another women, early when my ex and I had met, but before we were committed. She knew the other girl existed as I was transparent about the other girl visiting me (she was visiting from Europe.) However, I never told her we had sex- this was morally wrong and I regret it, I guess I was just too weak to be transparent about it afterwards. Later on, we became a couple, nearly a year later, the fact that the other girl and I had sex came up. She was upset that I wasn't transparent about that immediately after it happened, during the relationship, and trust was lost. She did ask about it in the past, and I wasn't honest about it. I regret that.

-She also played her role in creating the trust issues. Early on, before we were committed she thrived off of male attention, flirted with other men, gave her number out etc. Towards the end of the relationship, she held on but also tried to monkey branched. I would also not be surprised if she cheated at some point during the relatioship, although I don't have conclusive evidence.

-When she found out about the fling I had, she didn't dump me right then and there. She asked for space, but held onto me (maintained companionship, sex, and intimacy) because she is an insecure person, afraid of being alone. I soon found out (caught her) that she was actively monkey branching as she was on online dating sites, while she held onto me. She lied about it initially, but after admitted to it.

-I could not accept the monkey branching. I told her that I could not accept being an option in her life, while I kept her as a priority.

-During the breakup, I asked her if she would be willing to try and work through our problems and become 100% committed to each other again. She said 'No,' saying that she still doesn't trust me. Se effectively she dumped me here. I begged, I pleaded, but she stood firm. I told her unfortunately the monkey branching hurt too much, so I had to walk and asked for no contact.

 

Breadcrumbs

-A few days after we broke up, she texted me, effectively saying "You don't have to respond to this, but I love you." Like a fool, I responded the next day with a "I Love you too." No response from her after the I said "I love you too." In hindsight, I regret replying to that.

-Like a desperate fool, I still wanted her back, and weeks later, I asked to talk, and got on the phone with her. We talked for a good hour, and ultimately, she was not read y to reconcile. I was crushed. I knew she was still on the online dating sites. She also went on a few dates with one guy, kissed him too. I ultimately accepted her decision, and walked.

-2 weeks later - she texted me a very cryptic text "Hey." Like a fool, I responded with "Hi _____." She responded back with "Sorry, I shouldn't have, I just missed you. I hope you are well." I was furious, but replied back calmly with "Thank you for letting me now. I respect your decision and wish you well."

-Just recently, she texted me again saying "Not having you in my life is a lot harder than I had anticipated....." Since then, I have not responded to that text. I've noticed that she had been logging onto her online dating sites frequently, multiple times a day (staker-ish, I need to stop.)

 

Questions

 

1) I've effectively ignored her last text message - but internally I'm struggling with that decision. At the root of it, I do hope to one day reconcile- but only if the time is right. Meaning, I need the time and space to become a better man, and she needs the time and space to become a better woman. We are not there yet, and I'm not ready. I'm afraid that ignoring her text is heartless, and she'll think I'm either bitter or angry at her. This isn't the case, I'm ignoring because I still need time to heal. I have considered replying and letting her know that, but I'm afraid if I do, it will spiral down to more text messages and will ultimately hurt me and prolong my healing process. Should I reply?

 

2) Is she just throwing me more breadcrumbs or could she be testing the waters for reconciliation? She has a history of throwing breadcrumbs, and she has low self esteem, so I could see this being a breadcrumb. Also, she is actively on online dating sites, seeking new partners, so I'm assuming this is a bread crumb. I'm holding her to a high standard, in that, since she dumped me, she needs to come to me with clear intent for reconciliation, anything less would be ignored as a breadcrumb. Am I being too harsh here? Could she be trying to reconcile? My gut tells me it's a breadcrumb.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. So much went on, it's all much too raw to be in touch. The trust is shot and she's pretty much done. It would continue to be hell for both of you to hang on or try to patch it up. Start with a clean slate and someone new.

 

You need to tell her you need to go no contact so you can reflect. Then block and delete her. She can't miss you if she still has 24/7 all around access to you and sends these texts. Plus it's no good for you to get them, they mess with your head.

 

Ignore the breadcrumbs and don't stalk her dating site activities. Are you on the same site?

-I severely broke trust as I had sex with another women-During the breakup, I asked her if she would be willing to try and work through our problems and become 100% committed to each other again....She said 'No,' saying that she still doesn't trust me.....I've noticed that she had been logging onto her online dating sites frequently, multiple times a day.

[Broomwood]

Hi and so sorry you are going through this. No, it doesn't seem she wants to reconcile. Likely having an ego boost each time she gets a reply from you. Like you know, on dating apps there's a bit of frustration and such, but if she's there, she's decided, just when it gets a bit too hard, she's back at you to get some attention and affirmation.

 

You know it well things can't reconcile themselves when you are the people you are at this stage of life. You should go NC, and your work on yourself to be a better man starts here.

[Broomwood]

I also see no problem of you having sex with another girl before you were committed to this one. Even if you didn't acknowledge it right away. Who would?

The fact that you didn't have any flings while you were committed, is what is important, and that you are very motivated to work it out, and stay committed. It is this motivation that counts not your very normal slips of behaviour. The problem I have is her insecurity, and no willingness to understand and forgive. Girls have no clue how hard it is for young guys to cope with their often extreme desire for sex. This perhaps should be part of a school curriculum.

[FN Boomin]

Sorry to hear this. So much went on, it's all much too raw to be in touch. The trust is shot and she's pretty much done. It would continue to be hell for both of you to hang on or try to patch it up. Start with a clean slate and someone new.

 

You need to tell her you need to go no contact so you can reflect. Then block and delete her. She can't miss you if she still has 24/7 all around access to you and sends these texts. Plus it's no good for you to get them, they mess with your head.

 

Ignore the breadcrumbs and don't stalk her dating site activities. Are you on the same site?

 

You are right. This is the hardest part to accept - that the relationship is beyond repair. I'm gonna be strong and try to move past this. I was on the same dating site, but I've disabled my account because I need time to heal. However, you can see people online when you are logged off. I need to stop this behavior.

 

Hi and so sorry you are going through this. No, it doesn't seem she wants to reconcile. Likely having an ego boost each time she gets a reply from you. Like you know, on dating apps there's a bit of frustration and such, but if she's there, she's decided, just when it gets a bit too hard, she's back at you to get some attention and affirmation.

 

You know it well things can't reconcile themselves when you are the people you are at this stage of life. You should go NC, and your work on yourself to be a better man starts here.

 

Thank you. I was so confused because I know she is prideful, with low self esteem, so I thought she might be baby stepping towards reconciliation. But her actions speak volumes, if she is actively browsing dating sites, her hearts not set on reconciliation. It hurts when she sends me these texts, knowing that at the same time, she is actively on dating sites. It tells me she is simply trying to use me for validation and ego boosts, to provide her with comfort. This hurts so much after the history we've had. But it's reality, and I need to accept it. Thanks for providing clarity.

[oap81]

If she texts you again Ask her if she is willing to meet. If she isn't then you have your answer.

[FN Boomin]

If she texts you again Ask her if she is willing to meet. If she isn't then you have your answer.

 

I really want to ask her, but I think the answer is already obvious- she hasn't demonstrated any clear intent to reconcile. I feel like she is doing this to see if she still has a hold on me, and me asking her to meet would signal to her that I am, exactly what she's looking for, that ego boost, that validation, selfishly at my expense.

 

I'm leaning towards not responding to maintain my self respect.

[oap81]

It sounds like your over it. So just move on then.

[No1]

You two sound really young. You will learn that it only matters what you do after you commit to one another. If you wanted to have sex with an entire volleyball team prior to meeting her, then 1. She doesn't have to know and 2. Your sexual history doesn't come into play prior to dating, unless you have some STD then you must inform her. Because if you think about it, the older you get you will meet people with dating and sexual history and are you going to hold them accountable? I don't see it as a trust issue because she flirted with guys prior, you had sex with a girl prior. What matters is how you two behaved during the relationship.

 

A coach was asked if "Momentum" was important to his team. He said "Momentum is important if you think its important". Breadcrumbs show up if you think its a breadcrumb. To another guy it could be just a text. But since you want to get back with your X, then you will see her texts as a hint of her wanting to come back. Look at it another way. Its just a text and no where does it say "lets meet up so we can talk about getting back" I having been thru this before from both ends of the coin think that she is working thru the former relationship and it is her way of getting thru it. When you reply, it helps her either disconnect or work thru it.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work. If you two think its a trust issue (I don't think it is) then how is time apart without talking about it going to resolve this? What makes you think getting back together without working thru it is going to happen? I'm getting off base here. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you then its not going to work. She is mentally moving on by going on to dating apps. She is searching for another guy rather than working it out with you. Let her go.. both of you need to grow up a bit. Just because she is your first, doesn't mean she is the best.

[FN Boomin]

You two sound really young. You will learn that it only matters what you do after you commit to one another. If you wanted to have sex with an entire volleyball team prior to meeting her, then 1. She doesn't have to know and 2. Your sexual history doesn't come into play prior to dating, unless you have some STD then you must inform her. Because if you think about it, the older you get you will meet people with dating and sexual history and are you going to hold them accountable? I don't see it as a trust issue because she flirted with guys prior, you had sex with a girl prior. What matters is how you two behaved during the relationship.

 

A coach was asked if "Momentum" was important to his team. He said "Momentum is important if you think its important". Breadcrumbs show up if you think its a breadcrumb. To another guy it could be just a text. But since you want to get back with your X, then you will see her texts as a hint of her wanting to come back. Look at it another way. Its just a text and no where does it say "lets meet up so we can talk about getting back" I having been thru this before from both ends of the coin think that she is working thru the former relationship and it is her way of getting thru it. When you reply, it helps her either disconnect or work thru it.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work. If you two think its a trust issue (I don't think it is) then how is time apart without talking about it going to resolve this? What makes you think getting back together without working thru it is going to happen? I'm getting off base here. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you then its not going to work. She is mentally moving on by going on to dating apps. She is searching for another guy rather than working it out with you. Let her go.. both of you need to grow up a bit. Just because she is your first, doesn't mean she is the best.

 

Thank you this thought provoking reponse.

 

-Trust Issues - To be honest, the timing was blurry. We met in March, 3 weeks later she aske me to be her boyfriend (red flag in hindsight, too soon.) I said no, and at that point, I told her I wasn't ready for a committed relationship, and I had a former female fling from Europe visiting me in June, who had already booked her flight.

 

When the Europe girl visited, I stayed silent to the details. It was sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. And it was difficult for both of us. In hindsight, I think I should have been a man about it, and told the Europe girl to cancel her flight and trip. I was overwhelmed and didn't want to hurt anyone or ruin their plans, but at the same time, I have to be honest and admit that the attention from two girls fed my ego, and this is where I realized I am a bit of a narcissist, that I need to work on.

 

Where my ex was upset, is after the Europe girl left, she asked if I had sex with the Europe girl, and I denied it. Flat out lied and said I didn't. A year later she found out I did. Althought this was before our committed relationship, the fact that I lied about it, was what set her off and ruined the trust. The reality was I was too weak to face the facts, and I wanted to avoid conflict. I realize now that this was selfish, and she deserved to know.

 

At the same time, things were shaky on her end. Again, she openly flirted with other guys in front of me. Clearly gave her number out to guys. This was before our committed relationship. During our committed relationship, I found an open condom wrapper in a drawer by her bed (not the brand I use.) She said that she didn't know where it came from, and that she has never cheated on me. I've been in that drawer before and I don't remember it being there. She denied that the condom was recent, and it was probably from before we met. She is insecure and thrives off of attention, and is highly sensitive to fluctuations of attention from me, and is quick to seek that attention from other sources.... so till this day, I don't fully trust her story. I've decided to stop over analyzing it because I'll never truly know.

 

At the root of it, we are both insecure people, with self worth issues. My issues have manifested in narcissism, and her issues hae manifested in Borderline Personality Disorder, with a fear of abandonment.

 

My thoughts are, I believe we do truly love each other, but we aren't compatable. In order for there to be any hope, BOTH of us have a lot of issues that we need to work on as INDIVIDUALS. There's no fool proof pathway to that, so I'm thinking all I can do is be the best me that I can be, with no expectations with her or the relationship, and see what happens.

 

Mentally moving on I thought you brought up an eye opening point around her going on dating apps. Directionally, it makes sense now, that she is doing this to move on. She is texting me to get a response from me, to help her validate her self worth, and give her an ego boost, to push her as she moves on.

 

She is sending me breadcrumb texts to help her move on. This net net, is not healthy for me. So I choose to ignore, because I'm not over it yet, and me engaging in these breadcrumb text, will only set me back in my healing process, while it helps her in moving on.

 

I will only respond to her texts, if there is a legitiately substantive attempt at reconciliation, with clear intent and underlying action. Anything less than that, will be ignored. I was so scared that she was baby stepping towards reconciling, but it's clear that if she's actively going on dating sites while she sends me breadcrumbs, her actions speak louder than her texts, she is clearly trying to use me for ego validation.

 

THANK YOU for opening up my eyes.

 

What do you think is going through her head as I've ignored her texts? If she doesn't follow up with another text, does that imply that it was a breadcrumb all along?

[Krankor]

Women aren't usually going to come right out and say "I want you back." Sometimes these kind of texts are in fact nothing but "breadcrumbs" but sometimes it's them testing the waters.

 

If you want to try to reconcile then next time she texts as Oaps says ask her to meet in person. Say something like "Hey, great to hear from you. I'd like to see you, when are you free to get together. Try to plan a date, preferably with her coming to your house--if she's the one who dumped you, she should be making the effort.

 

If she blows you off then it's just breadcrumbs.

[Krankor]

I'd like to add though that you may want to give some serious consideration towards whether you truly think getting back together with this girl would be a good move. She sounds pretty high-maintenance and her ability to be faithful is rather suspect.

[FN Boomin]

Women aren't usually going to come right out and say "I want you back." Sometimes these kind of texts are in fact nothing but "breadcrumbs" but sometimes it's them testing the waters.

 

If you want to try to reconcile then next time she texts as Oaps says ask her to meet in person. Say something like "Hey, great to hear from you. I'd like to see you, when are you free to get together. Try to plan a date, preferably with her coming to your house--if she's the one who dumped you, she should be making the effort.

 

If she blows you off then it's just breadcrumbs.

 

Great point, but do you think the fact that she was actively on dating sites, the day that she sent me the texts, is reason enough to believe the text was a breadcrumb?

 

I realize women are going to baby step towards reconciliation, but actions speak louder than words, and if she is actively on a dating site the same day she sent me the text, she is directionally looking to move on. This would tell me that the text she sent me was directionally, her trying to move on and get a response out of me to boost her ego.

 

Let me know if my logic is off?

[Krankor]

Great point, but do you think the fact that she was actively on dating sites, the day that she sent me the texts, is reason enough to believe the text was a breadcrumb?

 

I realize women are going to baby step towards reconciliation, but actions speak louder than words, and if she is actively on a dating site the same day she sent me the text, she is directionally looking to move on. This would tell me that the text she sent me was directionally, her trying to move on and get a response out of me to boost her ego.

 

Let me know if my logic is off?

I wouldn't read anything toward her still being on a dating site. Your read on it could be accurate but I know that if I were on a dating site but also reaching out toward an ex, hoping to reconcile that I wouldn't take my profile down until it seemed pretty definite we were getting back together. I mean, why would I?

 

I wouldn't follow what she's up to so closely. In fact, I wouldn't follow it all. For now you should be putting her behind you. If you hear from her again in any way and you still want her back, then I would advise asking to see her like I said.

[thealchemist]

I also see no problem of you having sex with another girl before you were committed to this one. Even if you didn't acknowledge it right away. Who would?

The fact that you didn't have any flings while you were committed, is what is important, and that you are very motivated to work it out, and stay committed. It is this motivation that counts not your very normal slips of behaviour. The problem I have is her insecurity, and no willingness to understand and forgive. Girls have no clue how hard it is for young guys to cope with their often extreme desire for sex. This perhaps should be part of a school curriculum.

Sorry I just had to comment on this. I get very tired of people (gender doesn't matter) saying that their issues are because they can't control their libido. Just an excuse to differ blame. I have never actually met a person who has a higher libido than me. I'm sure they are out there but haven't met one. I have even thought that I'm some kind of nymphomaniac. But I have also never even remotely done anything that can be perceived as cheating. Libido and infidelity are not linked, except by your willpower. Linking the two is an attempt to feel better because you can't control yourself.

[No1]

Lets just say you two got back together tomorrow. She calls you up today and says I miss you, lets get back. You jump for joy and say yes and tomorrow you are a couple.

Has the sex with the EU girl and the condom issue gone away? Here is the problem with trust. You either forgive them 100% or you don't. If you forgive, then you neither of you can mention it, if you don't forgive, then the relationship is doomed. Why you ask? Because at some point that issue will come out. Its like a knife constantly hanging over you and in an argument. "Oh remember the condom?" or "Remember how you lied to me and told me you didn't screw Euro girl" will be said. And those will always be in the back of your mind. So you either forgive or you go your own ways.

Trust issues like that done solve itself on its own, it takes communication and if you two are not talking then how do you expect to it be solved? She is not actively pursuing to resolve the issues that broke you two up, instead she is looking for a new guy. The lines of communication are there, but what has she done? Nothing. In all fairness, have you reached out to put the issues behind the two of you?

Now as Krankor said if you want to give it one more shot and reach out and see if she is willing to work things out by talking and working thru the issues then great. But if she balks, then you know where she stands. But I will say that it takes A LOT of work, and it takes the two of you to work things thru. Maybe even suggesting a couples therapy session if you are serious. But sometimes the path of least resistance will win and its just easier to find a new guy.

So you must decide.. is this drama worth it? Can your heart take it or are you better off just wishing her a happy life and moving on with yours.

[FN Boomin]

I wouldn't read anything toward her still being on a dating site. Your read on it could be accurate but I know that if I were on a dating site but also reaching out toward an ex, hoping to reconcile that I wouldn't take my profile down until it seemed pretty definite we were getting back together. I mean, why would I?

 

I wouldn't follow what she's up to so closely. In fact, I wouldn't follow it all. For now you should be putting her behind you. If you hear from her again in any way and you still want her back, then I would advise asking to see her like I said.

 

Ultimately, I agree with you, me checking up on her logged in/logged out status on her dating site is NOT healthy, and it needs to end.

 

Also, I think Hollywood Romance movies have incorrectly made us believe that humans love and commit to each other and each other only, but in reality, humans are insecure and fear being alone, and we hedge our bets with things like online dating profiles and male friend orbitors.

 

The fact is, as soon as she sent me the text, I immediately checked her online status on the dating site, and within the hour she sent that text, she was logged into her online dating account. This tells me that in her mind, she was lonely, anxious, and in need of validation. She didn't say anything in her text that was substantive, with intent, or action towards reconciliation, so I can't respond to it. She dumped me, so I'm going to put it on her to be the primary driver on this.

 

Lets just say you two got back together tomorrow. She calls you up today and says I miss you, lets get back. You jump for joy and say yes and tomorrow you are a couple.

Has the sex with the EU girl and the condom issue gone away? Here is the problem with trust. You either forgive them 100% or you don't. If you forgive, then you neither of you can mention it, if you don't forgive, then the relationship is doomed. Why you ask? Because at some point that issue will come out. Its like a knife constantly hanging over you and in an argument. "Oh remember the condom?" or "Remember how you lied to me and told me you didn't screw Euro girl" will be said. And those will always be in the back of your mind. So you either forgive or you go your own ways.

Trust issues like that done solve itself on its own, it takes communication and if you two are not talking then how do you expect to it be solved? She is not actively pursuing to resolve the issues that broke you two up, instead she is looking for a new guy. The lines of communication are there, but what has she done? Nothing. In all fairness, have you reached out to put the issues behind the two of you?

Now as Krankor said if you want to give it one more shot and reach out and see if she is willing to work things out by talking and working thru the issues then great. But if she balks, then you know where she stands. But I will say that it takes A LOT of work, and it takes the two of you to work things thru. Maybe even suggesting a couples therapy session if you are serious. But sometimes the path of least resistance will win and its just easier to find a new guy.

So you must decide.. is this drama worth it? Can your heart take it or are you better off just wishing her a happy life and moving on with yours.

 

So as soon as she found out the sex with the EURO girl, we had a short fallout. I spent hours, days, weeks reflecting on what happened. I'm talking sleepless nights, reading several self help books. At the end of it, I realized that the problems were NOT her, NOT the relationship, the problems, at least the problems that I can control, were with me.

 

I realized I had self worth issues, developed from my child hood. I realized that those issues manifested into narcississm as an adult. I realize that they gave rise to lies, manipulation, and hurt in the relationship.

 

I made a commitment to myself to work on these deep seeded issues around self worth and narcissism, to ultimately become a better person. I hold myself accountable for these issues- and I'm doing things like developing hobbies, milestone goals at work, and better relationships with family and friends to fix these self worth issues and get to a point where I can honestly say I love myself. I'm praying that when I get there, the narcissism and relationship problems will go away. I've been honest with myself in that this won't be overnight, and it will be a long, hard, battle, with so much payoff and growth in the end.

 

The thing is, I've communicated all of the above to her. The self awareness, the commitment to improve. I haven't promised her anything in terms of timelines and guarantees, I've only told her I'm aware of them and I'm trying my hardest to work on them. The point is, she knows I am committed to improving.

 

She has NOT done the same reflection, ownership of her issues, and action as I have. I would say, between the two of us, I am far more successful professionally, and have a more balanced, happy life in terms of emotional stability and relationships. Not saying this to make her look bad, we all have our issues, but I'm just saying this to make it clear that I have reflected and committed to improve, and she hasn't.

 

Sorry I just had to comment on this. I get very tired of people (gender doesn't matter) saying that their issues are because they can't control their libido. Just an excuse to differ blame. I have never actually met a person who has a higher libido than me. I'm sure they are out there but haven't met one. I have even thought that I'm some kind of nymphomaniac. But I have also never even remotely done anything that can be perceived as cheating. Libido and infidelity are not linked, except by your willpower. Linking the two is an attempt to feel better because you can't control yourself.

 

Agreed. I make no excuses as it relates to my libido. Relationships take commitment and sacrifice, and an active libido is not a good excuse.

[No1]

Do you want to be with someone that doesn't take the time to work on herself? You can look within yourself and see what needs to be done, but your X doesn't do what it takes to do the same. Why do you want to be with someone like that? She isn't the one for you.

 

Keep working on you to help you in future relationships and in life.

[FN Boomin]

Do you want to be with someone that doesn't take the time to work on herself? You can look within yourself and see what needs to be done, but your X doesn't do what it takes to do the same. Why do you want to be with someone like that? She isn't the one for you.

 

Keep working on you to help you in future relationships and in life.

 

Thank you. You're right. I'm building up a fantasy of my ex, and ignoring the reality of who she is. Not that she's bad, or good, it's just who she is. I need to accept that and be honest with the fact that we probably aren't compatible.

[FN Boomin]

UPDATE

 

So it's been 5 days since she sent the text "Not having you in my life is a lot harder than I had anticipated."

 

I've ignored it, and there hasn't been a follow up from her since then.

 

I think it's fair to say it was a breadcrumb all along. If there was any substantive intent for reconciliation behind the text, if her heart was really in it, there would have been a follow up.

 

For those of you reading, I think my case is another example of how No Contact is the way to go, until they (the dumper) demonstrate clear intent to reconcile. Until then, your focus should be 100% on healing, don't let anything else hold you back until they (the dumper) demonstrate something substantive.

[Dreamfunk]

Keep going and stay focused on you......