Look at the bright side of being dumpee.

[Chris323]

We can live on knowing the fact that we never gave up on our relationship. One day even if it takes years to come they will wake up in the middle of the night remembering what they had & what they lost. Just finished listening to Fleetwood Mac - Dreams, well taking a few hits.

[Fitgills]

Yeah. I agree. When you've done nothing it makes you realise just how fantastic you are. It will be great for my ex if he figures out what he wants from relationships but he'll be hard pressed to ever get better.

[Careerchoice]

We can live on knowing the fact that we never gave up on our relationship.

From your description, I'm sure this was the case for you, but my situation was not so simple. I essentially forced the break up by her by changing my mind on having kids with her, a decision I do not regret. So in a way, I gave up on her (as a mother), and she in turn gave up on me as a partner. The hard part for me was/is reminding myself of the reasons why I changed my mind on having kids with her. I know I was completely justified in doing so and it would've been a terrible idea. I had just gotten so good at looking past her flaws. I don't blame her for her shortcomings. Lack of maturity is not a choice. It's the result of your upbringing. But I can't even blame her parents for how they raised her. Nobody taught them how to be parents either. For us, in the end, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

One day even if it takes years to come they will wake up in the middle of the night remembering what they had & what they lost.

 

Again, I am sure you are correct in your case. For my ex, I will continue to fade into a distant memory, which will be accelerated once she falls in love again. It's so sad to know that's going to happen/is happening.

[Chris323]

You are correct, we might fade into distance in the memory of our ex as she falls in love again, & we will also fall in love again, but the difference is that where not going to carry the guilt haunting knowing that we destroyed someone who truely loved us.

[rich46]

We can live on knowing the fact that we never gave up on our relationship. One day even if it takes years to come they will wake up in the middle of the night remembering what they had & what they lost. Just finished listening to Fleetwood Mac - Dreams, well taking a few hits.

Yeah I do think that long-term, there may be advantages being the dumpee rather than the dumper, even though the opposite feels true in the short-term. This is only correct though if the dumpee spends time reflecting upon the role they played in the relationship's demise, working to try and improve before jumping into a new relationship, rather than simply placing all blame onto the dumper for giving up.

[j.man]

I've never once years later looked back at a relationship I've ended and "what I've lost." I lost a relationship I wasn't happy with. No harm there.

 

While it might come off as a pinch "easier a slave than a free man," the one benefit I'd consider being the dumpee is you're the one being hurt, not the one inflicting it. The choice was made for you. Someone doesn't want to be with you, and that's kinda just that. I can say without hesitation that breaking someone's heart, particularly someone who hasn't really done anything to cause you pain or discomfort, is among the top most difficult things I've had to do. If it weren't for having to see the woman break down in front of me, I wouldn't have ever so much as bat an eye.

 

Try not to center your recovery on spitefulness.

[Tomthumb88]

I think it all depends on the situation. I've done a lot of research on relationships since my breakup and I've concluded that not only did I fail to understand what one takes but that most people don't understand them either. They're either perpetually in and out of relationships because they're looking for the perfect person (who doesn't exists) and go into the relationship with one foot out. Or they let the relationship fall apart and just go on with it as a friend/roommate type thing

[Tomthumb88]

I for example came to the conclusion that I was a huge jerk to a lot of women who didn't deserve it and who were only looking for that someone special . I can't say I feel like I lost anything because I never really gave them a chance, i was really just spending time with them. Although some of them remain my Facebook friends and I see them getting married and or having kids and I wonder what could have been had I been at all serious

[No1]

I look at it as "I now have room in my life and heart for someone better"

[Annia]

One day even if it takes years to come they will wake up in the middle of the night remembering what they had & what they lost.

 

I don't know about this, but I'd like to keep evolving and becoming a better person. And then even if they never know what I've become or what they lost, at least I'll be ready for someone better if they come.

[Annia]

I've never once years later looked back at a relationship I've ended and "what I've lost." I lost a relationship I wasn't happy with. No harm there.

 

While it might come off as a pinch "easier a slave than a free man," the one benefit I'd consider being the dumpee is you're the one being hurt, not the one inflicting it. The choice was made for you. Someone doesn't want to be with you, and that's kinda just that. I can say without hesitation that breaking someone's heart, particularly someone who hasn't really done anything to cause you pain or discomfort, is among the top most difficult things I've had to do. If it weren't for having to see the woman break down in front of me, I wouldn't have ever so much as bat an eye.

 

Try not to center your recovery on spitefulness.

 

I think this puts things on perspective very well. When our heart is broken we forget that it's also very painful to break someone's heart.

[Wiseman2]

Agree you don't have to do the dirty work of pulling the plug on a dying relationship. When they are gone they are gone. Look forward not backward. Who cares what they think, may regret, etc.

[Tomthumb88]

The positive of all this mulling and mentally replaying the times I feel the relationship was going wrong is that I learned a lot and will be much better able to work things through in the future.

[LaHermes]

No truer words:

 

"The past is another country and they do things differently there".

 

And the future isn't here yet, nor can we (usually!) foretell what will happen, so all we have is the present, the right now.