Has my ex girlfriend daddy issues?

[alecc]

I met this girl a year ago and a half ago. We become friends and started dating and living together. We broke up last month due to different lifestyle and looking at life.

 

I've been having a coffee with a friend recently and he mentioned that one of his friends has daddy issues. After googling that, I started wondering if my girlfriend doesn't suffer from this too.

 

To start, she was 20yo student, I am a 28yo entrepreneur when we started dating. I was her 2nd boyfriend, when she was 17, she was dating a 38yo guy for almost 2 years. Father of my ex gf left the family when she was 5. She said that her father just left their home and never got back.

 

As I mentioned above, we were living together for a year and a half. During that time, I have noticed some behavior that I haven't seen at girls I've been seeing before nor at my friends.

My ex-gf doesn't have a true friend, even though she meet someone, after a while she starts highlighting the negative attributes of that person. She has a small circle of "friends" - 4 or 5 people who she text once in 3/6 months, but currently she's fighting (=not talking/texting) with them. When I told her to break the ice to text her friend after the fight, she said she's not gonna be the one who'll text first (and this happened also between us - when we had a fight early in the relationship, we didn't speak to each other for a while and I texted her. When were talking about that later why I texted her, I also asked her how long she would wait until she would text me - and she said she would not). She's constantly trying to put herself above someone - to prove she's better than her “friends”, either at life or at school (she's saying, for example, that this her "friend" is looking up to her and envy her her lifestyle, or she’s the most and most talented at her class etc.). When she meet someone, she call him or her immediately a friend (even though they saw each other once or twice for like 15-30mins).

 

When we are at home, she often complained that she feels alone, lonely and she has no friends to go for a drink etc. Eventually she's bringing this on me that I don't take her anywhere out (which is impossible as a working person to be out 7 days a week). She outlines how she feels not appreciated from me (from time to time) and so on.

 

She has very often (every week) emotional breakdowns and hysterical crying about school, herself, life (eg. when she needed to move out of her old apartment, when the teacher put some adequate pressure on her) etc. She’s still claiming how independent she is, what she has done, travelled, but the truth is that I have to help her with everything. Literarily everything. Or her mother. She's on the phone with her mother daily for 1-2 hours. She’s very insecure of herself and asking me if this is good or bad, if she treated this person good or bad and so on.

 

She's very suspicious to everybody - to people she meet as well as to me (no, she has no reason). She is very jealous - eg. when she had a roommate, she somehow came up with the thought that I like her roommate and she likes me and we want to have sex - it was obviously not truth. Same with guys - we were on a party and a guy started talking to me on a bar (just a small talk until our drinks are ready), my gf was sitting with some of my friends and I could feel her eyes on me. When we were walking home, she was questioning me for 15 minutes who was that guy and why he was talking to me. Then she mentioned that there was more guys who were trying to hit on me than on her.

When we were at home and I was tired from work or sometimes simply not in the mood, she was constantly asking me if I am not happy that she's in my apartment, if I am not happy with her etc.

 

I noticed that she's very sensitive about notes with her mental condition. Her teacher told her that she's not confident, she unstable and sometimes self-centric and my gf had another breakdown at home, was crying and for another week (during different situations and conversations) was randomly mentioning that she's not having any mental problems... Then during one of our fights I dropped a comment that "she has constructed a situation in her head" and she was firing this back at me for another couple days.

 

She’s dropping very often comments like “be a man, do this/that” or when we are in a cafe or restaurant and she wants something (eg. sugar), she’s immediately turning on me almost reproachfully with “I want some sugar, can I ask for it/tell the waiter??” - to me as a quite grounded person, it’s super unattractive that she cannot handle this on her own.

 

She was also quite oriented on money, she was buying expensive clothes even though she could afford it and always almost begging her mother to pay for it. She enjoyed highlighting what her life standard is, she even marked herself as the "top 1%" and said that (we were on a trip in Liverpool) that "most of this lower and middle class people has some motivation to get up, but for her it's difficult, because she's already there and has a different point of view (nope, she never worked)" - it was quite embarrassing (even now to type it).

Eventually all of this has become too much for me, so we had a talk and I told that I am not happy in the relationship and this and that simply doesn't work for me and we have to figure it out, otherwise I don’t see how to maintain if further. We agreed that we’ll take a couple of days to think about that and will get back together to discuss it. The next day, she just texted me saying that she's breaking up with me.

 

It’s two months now and since I had the talk about daddy issues with my friend, I am wondering about the relationship with this girl. What do you think about her based on the above (I tried to put it as objectively as possible, without any emotions)? I have never faced a girl anything like that, I was wondering if she has some troubles with herself, daddy issues...

[Wiseman2]

Wow. She sounds very immature. Almost teen-like. Don't know about daddy issues but certainly she was not mature enough to be a live-in partner. It also sounds like the first time she lived with a guy, yes?. Did you support her? What were the arguments about and why did you breakup?

[rosephase]

She is 20. Most 20 year olds are still figuring out how to be people. You can call it "daddy issues" if you want to but I think that is a little demeaning. She is going through pretty normal struggles that come with growing up. I think the question for you is why you were attracted to someone who was so immature, insecure and needing of support?

[rosephase]

Wow. She sounds very immature. Almost teen-like.

 

20 is only a day away from 19

[ParisPaulette]

I wouldn't say she has daddy issues, just issues of the toxic variety. She will either learn from her mistakes or she won't, but at 20 she's still got a ways to go. Her behaviors sound more like they come from people overindulging her, not from her father leaving her. But without a full psychiatric eval and treatment program there's no way to put a label on any of it. So stop worrying about it.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn't say that every girl who had her dad leave her wants to be in a romantic relationship with a "dad" person . My dad was absent physically and most of the time emotionally . I married someone very close to my own age he's 2 1/2 years younger . As a teenager did I have a crush on older men? For sure. Millions and millions of teenage girls do .

[Seraphim]

However ,why her mother was letting her date a 38-year-old at 17 and what was up with that 38-year-old is another issue. Depending upon where that was that 38-year-old should've been in jail .

[avoidatallcost]

Sounds like she has daddy issues OP. The dead giveaway is the lack of father from a young age. The immaturity, trust issues, dating older men, etc points to a definite diagnosis.

 

I'm actually quite surprised you have managed to stay with her for a year and a half and still maintain your sanity. Usually when dating girls with daddy issues, after about two to three months it's time to run.

[alecc]

It also sounds like the first time she lived with a guy, yes?.

She lived for 3 months with the previous boyfriend.

 

Did you support her?

Yes, I did - helping her with school, with her old apartment (maintaining that), solving problems from her flatmates, with her dog, when traveling, cooking, etc.

 

What were the arguments about and why did you breakup?

The biggest issues were that she felt lonely, because she had no friends. Part of that was that suddenly this has been "transferred" to myself, as she wanted to go with someone for a coffee during the day, shopping, dinner, club, but even though I tried, I cannot replace her girl friend to go shopping with her, I cannot replace her school mate to go for a coffee after school etc.

From my side, it was about that I started realizing that our relationship was not balanced at all and she was quite selfish. I realized that the way I was helping her, if I needed 1% of that, I would get an excuse why she cannot help me with this or that and so on. An example - when I told her one evening that I need to go for a knee surgery, her reaction was that I'll miss her birthday and she'll be alone and if I needed to set the surgery on that date (obviously, the date is given). I was stunned by this and wasn't able to say anything. Or when we were supposed to clean up the apartment before moving out, she went to go shopping some gifts for her mother instead, so I was cleaning up the whole apartment on my own.

 

These moments were more frequent and I realized the relationship was becoming toxic to me, so we said we'll both go home, take some time to think about it and then we'll meet and see what next. After a week or so, I called her, I told her that as such, I am not happy and what doesn't work for me (basically the above) and what we need to change and work out from my point of view - she got angry. We were supposed to have another call about this in the next 3 days (we both were busy at the time), but the next morning I got a message from her that she wants to break up.

Then she did not react on any messages.

[alecc]

I'm actually quite surprised you have managed to stay with her for a year and a half and still maintain your sanity. Usually when dating girls with daddy issues, after about two to three months it's time to run.

Yeah, in the end of the relationship, I was constantly mentally tired and without energy. It didn't matter how long I slept (I had even problems to sleep well), I jsut woke up tired.

 

It was a soul-killing process realizing that the whole relationship is one-sided and she's selfish the way to not only have a partner, but even also a friend.

[avoidatallcost]

Yeah, in the end of the relationship, I was constantly mentally tired and without energy. It didn't matter how long I slept (I had even problems to sleep well), I jsut woke up tired.

 

It was a soul-killing process realizing that the whole relationship is one-sided and she's selfish the way to not only have a partner, but even also a friend.

 

With daddy issue girls, it's always ALL ABOUT THEM. They make terrible friends, and are even worse as long term girlfriends or wives. Never get into a relationship and certainly don't ever marry a girl with daddy issues, they are nothing but problems and their trust issues are far worse than any other toxic women (borderlines, bipolars, histrionics etc). And they will generally call you months later down the road after your relationship has ended, but only if they haven't found someone else to suck the life out of and take your place.

 

And when you get that call don't get your hopes up, they are not really calling you to see how you're doing. They really just want to see whether you are still on the hook and care about them. They want to see you squirm because they enjoy hurting the men who care about them most.. they feel you deserve it for all the perceived wrongs you have committed against them. They will only call you for some extremely selfish reason. Remember, everything about a relationship with a daddy issues girl is what you can do for them. At first they will appear perfect, they will express a love for you that you didn't think was possible. That is what makes their devaluation of you all the more shocking when it happens, and usually it is very sudden.

 

Dating women with these issues is a soul crushing experience. It will not only leave you mentally exhausted, generally when these women are done with you you will find yourself suffering from depression, sleeplessness, ptsd, anxiety issues, and mini panic attacks. But don't worry if you go and stay strict NC you will get through this and recover. Then use her as an example from now what NOT to go for.

[abitbroken]

Teenage girls and some college aged people can be very self centered - dad or no dad in their life. I think that she is just figuring out life and that you should not "diagnose" her in any way. The two of you were just not compatible and leave it at that.

[abitbroken]

btw, the biggest turn off for me is meeting a new guy and talking about our pasts (just the basics "i was engaged before/i had a 5 year relationship/im looking for someone to date and eventually marry) and the guy saying "one ex had daddy issues. the other had reactive attachment disorder..." vs the guy who says "i just haven't met the right one". The latter makes me think he's going to badmouth me, decide i have a mental illness and that he's saintly if things go south with us and he has no part in the breakup.

[avoidatallcost]

Teenage girls and some college aged people can be very self centered - dad or no dad in their life. I think that she is just figuring out life and that you should not "diagnose" her in any way. The two of you were just not compatible and leave it at that.

 

This isn't a good idea because if OP just moves on without analyzing the situation and recognizing the red flags he might make this same mistake again with the next girl he meets that has daddy issues.

 

OP like I said, don't worry about women who try to shame you and tell you things like "don't generalize" and "not all women are the same" etc etc. While this may be true, when it comes to girls with daddy issues they all act remarkably the same. Just google "forum daddy issue girls" and you will see all the threads that pop up all over the internet where men seem to describe the exact same girl and remarkably identical problems. I read your thread and recognized the same exact symptoms myself.

 

Thank god for the internet, it has allowed men and women to exchange information and lets us see how similar many of our problems really are. And more importantly, how important it is to avoid getting into some of these problems in the first place.

 

I know you might be sad to see this girl go, but rest assured that it is for the best. The longer you stay with these women, the more damage they tend to cause. Be glad you got out when you did, the sooner the better.