Should I be bothered by this?

[hopefulbabe]

Hello. So I have posted about my horrible break up with my ex P and now I come here as it has had a somewhat of a butterfly effect on my life.

 

Since the break up, P had on several occasions made (in my opinion) snide and passive aggressive references to me and our relationship on his public social network accounts (he's a grown man, not a teenager). He wanted the break up (although now when I look back on it I know I wasn't happy in that relationship and wanted out, but didn't have the courage to verbalise it), so him referring to it publicly made no sense to me. The biggest problem in our very short lived relationship was that I barely even saw him (maybe once a week for a couple of hours), and he would often cancel on me last minute or simply not return my texts. It was very annoying and I didn't like it, but the worst thing was he was constantly accusing me of being dramatic and insecure for wanting him to stick to the promises he would keep.

 

So we have now been broken up for a few months, it's hard enough since I've felt guilty over sending him insulting texts, and him referring to the problems from our relationship (last time a month ago) is not very helpful either. But my problem is now with my friend J. So I met P through J and J and I have been friends for an incredibly long time (almost 15 years). J met P through her bf and the two have become quite close (in guy-terms I guess). I wouldn't say J was a bad friend, she's not the most emotional person in the world, she always likes to give rational and somewhat generic answers so when my break up happened, she was trying to stay neutral. Which I suppose was fine until P called me toxic on his social networks. She didn't seem to mind this too much and continues to hang out with P basically every weekend and posts about it on social networks. I just think that a guy who calls your best friend toxic publicly is someone with whom you should at least have a chat about it (I would). I don't think she did since he has done similar things after that. He is a very self-righteous person who thinks he has done everything right in our relationship, trash talked his exes to me, so I can only assume what he is saying about me.

 

The problem arose a few weeks ago. So even though there had been mentioning of P being J's bf's best man at their wedding long before I ever met P (and I had been asked to be the maid of honour even before that by J), J had after told me P wouldn't probably even show up for the wedding. Then a few weeks ago we were chatting online and she mentioned P in a very casual way. I told her not to that as this man has hurt me and dissed me and insulted me publicly and I don't want to know anything about him. To this she added: well....he will probably be the best man, so...." I was shocked. J has this thing were she says something like "Let's go somewhere over the weekend" and then fails to invite me, or says my ex won't show up at the wedding but then suddenly he's the best man? I feel there must have been a better and more tactful way of informing me of this. I am bothered enough as it by the fact she spends more time with him than with me (ok, he is her bf's friend but it still bothers me), and I have made my peace with this, but when discussing sensitive situations like this I feel she should be a lot more considerate of the fact my heart and mind were broken after this break up. I continued to tell her that I am already super bothered by the fact this man made me feel guilty for wanting to spend more time with him, when he spends every weekend with them going places. To this she said: well maybe he just likes to go places.... What kind of answer was this?

 

Bottom line is: I know J doesn't like to make enemies, she's always trying to stay neutral, but I expect loyalty and consideration, especially if I am going to be her maid of honour. Sometimes you need to show character and take a stand, not in a violent way, but to stand up for your best friend when you see someone is publicly insulting her. I wouldn't think twice about defending my friend. So I told J that if P turns out to be the best man I will handle it, but I am not so sure anymore... I really dislike him and I can't guarantee I won't start an argument if he says something provoking. He wouldn't do that, you might add. Well, he already publicly called his friend's best friend toxic, so I don't know what he would or wouldn't do. I thought of speaking to J about this and telling her (before they make the final decision on the best man), that I can't be her maid of honour if he is the best man and that I need to put my sanity and health first. The wedding is still months away so she can find someone else. I don't even know why P would say yes to this if he hates me so much.

 

Thank you for your input.

[boltnrun]

Please do not cause drama for your friend during what should be a very happy event in her life. Please do not issue her an ultimatum or threaten to drop out as maid of honor if your ex is best man.

 

If you can't handle seeing your ex, YOU tell her you're dropping out and explain you can't handle being around your ex. Don't put it on her.

[hopefulbabe]

Please do not cause drama for your friend during what should be a very happy event in her life. Please do not issue her an ultimatum or threaten to drop out as maid of honor if your ex is best man.

 

If you can't handle seeing your ex, YOU tell her you're dropping out and explain you can't handle being around your ex. Don't put it on her.

 

I don't believe I have used the words "ultimatum" or "threat". Drama is exactly what I am trying to avoid by asking for advice on the matter and for wanting to be honest with her when I can't handle it. I don't think standing up for myself and telling my friend I am bothered is a threat.

[boltnrun]

You said you were going to tell her you can't be maid of honor if your ex is best man.

 

That is an ultimatum. You're telling her to choose between him and you.

 

And saying your "sanity and health" need to be put first is being dramatic. The wedding isn't about you. The bride and groom should be "put first".

 

Again, if you can't handle it then drop out and explain why.

[Clio]

Your ex is a friend to both of them and there had been mentioning of him being J's bf's best man at their wedding long before you met him. The latter means that they had a close relationship separate to you. Asking him to be excluded IS causing drama and passive aggressive. Following-up what he posts on social media IS seeking drama and prevents your healing and moving on. If you haven't already, you need to delete and block him on all social media. Had you not cyber stalked him, you wouldn't be having this issue. As already said, if you can't handle it, you should decline being maid of honour and own it. Expecting her to go against her non-confrontational nature AND take sides against her bf's friend is unreasonable. This is not necessarily taking sides as much as her being one of these people that feel uncomfortable with confrontation. Loyalty and consideration is for her not to share any news about him with you any more and asking her that is reasonable. Expecting her to tell him off is out of line.

[hopefulbabe]

You said you were going to tell her you can't be maid of honor if your ex is best man.

 

That is an ultimatum. You're telling her to choose between him and you.

 

And saying your "sanity and health" need to be put first is being dramatic. The wedding isn't about you. The bride and groom should be "put first".

 

 

Again, if you can't handle it then drop out and explain why.

 

Not dramatic at all, just trying to protect myself. When I said yes to being the maid of honour, circumstances were different. I understand it's not her fault, but neither is mine my ex decided to insult me publicly where I kept my mouth shut. That's all. I have not and will not ask her to choose between him and me, I would have done it by now. I just wish to be honest with my friend and prevent the drama.

[itsallgrand]

You have a few months til the wedding to process the break up yet. It's understandable you are extra sensitive right now, but that will fade with time.

Would you regret not being there with your friend at her wedding down the line? Try to think big picture. She's been your friend for a long time, this guy is a blip in your life.

Given the circumstances, try to understand her position. She can't reasonably ask her husband to not have his friend as his best man.

Just try and rise above this.

[jujusamples]

For goodness sake's! First, just by what you wrote on your posts, I don't blame your friend J for not saying much to you regarding P and the whole best man situation.

 

Whatever happened between you and your ex, should be YOUR problem. It is unfair for you to fault your best friend regarding that. Stop playing the victim and fault her for not sticking up for you. You are a grown person, you could have handled it yourself! Here is a very good way, block and delete him off your social media! That way he won't be able to say nasty things about you.

 

This is going to be your best friend's biggest day of her life and you are making it ALL about you! Sure, you had a bad break up and it hurts, I get it. Instead expecting J to side with you (which she obviously want to stay out of it) why not vent to other friends, whom is not friends with your ex?

 

Sorry, I'm just giving you my honest opinion. You probably won't like this, but I really hope you will take what I just said into consideration.

[jujusamples]

Not dramatic at all, just trying to protect myself. When I said yes to being the maid of honour, circumstances were different. I understand it's not her fault, but neither is mine my ex decided to insult me publicly where I kept my mouth shut. That's all. I have not and will not ask her to choose between him and me, I would have done it by now. I just wish to be honest with my friend and prevent the drama.

 

This to me is pretty dramatic, you are failing to see that the poster is trying to help you by offering their honest opinion. You are only seeing things from YOUR point of view. You didn't directly ask your friend to chose but that's what you are expecting her to do. You are building up this resentment but you are taking it out on your friend. It's your ex that did you wrong, not your friend.

[hopefulbabe]

For goodness sake's! First, just by what you wrote on your posts, I don't blame your friend J for not saying much to you regarding P and the whole best man situation.

 

Whatever happened between you and your ex, should be YOUR problem. It is unfair for you to fault your best friend regarding that. Stop playing the victim and fault her for not sticking up for you. You are a grown person, you could have handled it yourself! Here is a very good way, block and delete him off your social media! That way he won't be able to say nasty things about you.

 

This is going to be your best friend's biggest day of her life and you are making it ALL about you! Sure, you had a bad break up and it hurts, I get it. Instead expecting J to side with you (which she obviously want to stay out of it) why not vent to other friends, whom is not friends with your ex?

 

Sorry, I'm just giving you my honest opinion. You probably won't like this, but I really hope you will take what I just said into consideration.

 

I am not making it ALL about me. I haven't even brought up this issue with her (yet). It's good to know you are good at controlling your feelings even in the most hurtful of situations - clearly I am not. I am self-aware enough to know I might not be able to keep my cool if he says something provoking or nasty to me. Would I like to be able to keep my cool? Yes. Will I be able? I am not so sure. I am not playing the victim, if anything I feel like crap for even contemplating going back on my word as this is not something I want to do, especially not to a close friend.

 

As for her not standing up for me, I guess I just disagree. When it's my best friend and someone is saying nasty things about her, I can't just ignore it, I wouldn't cause a scene or anything, but I would stand up for her. But even that is not the reason, it's as simple as if I am forced to be around this human for an entire evening, I am not sure I'll be able to keep my cool. I have been trying to be the best maid of honour I could, I am again not being dramatic, I am actually a very anxious person and as much as I would like to think I could handle situations like that - I don't think I can. It's almost like a physical reaction.

[jujusamples]

@OP, I'm not sure what advice you seeking or why you are seeking advice, when you are defensive with everyone's response? We are not here to offend you. We are all telling you what we honestly think based on the facts you have given. You don't need to prove to anyone of us if you are dramatic or not, we don't know you. These are all just unbiased opinions solely based on your post and responses.

 

If you really can't handle the situation, you really need to talk to your best friend about it. The sooner the better so if you two come up with the decision that it's best if you are not her maid of honor, it will give her time to find another.

 

Why are you having a hard time blocking and deleting him? Maybe talking to a therapist would help you sort this out. I see my therapist all the time and it really helps with my anxieties.

[hopefulbabe]

@OP, I'm not sure what advice you seeking or why you are seeking advice, when you are defensive with everyone's response? We are not here to offend you. We are all telling you what we honestly think based on the facts you have given. You don't need to prove to anyone of us if you are dramatic or not, we don't know you. These are all just unbiased opinions solely based on your post and responses.

 

If you really can't handle the situation, you really need to talk to your best friend about it. The sooner the better so if you two come up with the decision that it's best if you are not her maid of honor, it will give her time to find another.

 

Why are you having a hard time blocking and deleting him? Maybe talking to a therapist would help you sort this out. I see my therapist all the time and it really helps with my anxieties.

 

He is deleted and blocked. The toxic thing I found out about a couple of day post break-up so it was still fresh and I missed him. It was that why I decided never to contact him again. As for the other comments, he has a very public profile and a friend has been checking his stuff (not as a surveillance mechanism for me) - i was the one who deleted and blocked him, not the other way around. It only happened twice that he referred to something mean about me. Also, having my friends who intensely socialise with him on my social networks is not exactly easy. He gets away with calling me toxic, I have to look at that basically every day (I am not going to delete my friends) and it hurts. I am not trying to be defensive, but I have been fighting myself for so long on this matter... I don't want to be a bad friend, but the frustration is quite strong. He gets to tell to the world I was the horrible one, and I get to put up with it. But yeah, I guess I wanted to know if telling her this would make me a crappy friend and I got my answer.

[Clio]

Then you need to abstain from social media (maybe temporarily deactivate your accounts) for a while and ask these friends of yours to stop updating you about what he does. The world doesn't really care about what he has to tell about you and he looks bad doing that. Most people witnessing someone trashing their ex actually see that as a weakness/ tacky move/ lack of character so in reality your ex only hurts his own image, not yours. No (re)action and abstaining from social media is actually the best action in your situation. You need to let go of this notion that the world actually cares about your break up. People have their own problems to deal with. Your ex is not the centre of the world and neither are you.

[Raggie]

Hello. I do sympathise as it probably feels like a formidable task this early on in the BU.

I also recognise it's easier to say than do, but how about this for a plan to help manage the situation.

 

1. As you have done, block on everything. If you can't abstain from social media, just skip his posts. He won't keep reopening the wound.

2. Keep busy by being the most awesome maid of honour you can be. They'll be loads of wedding tasks that you could help with.

3. Do exercise, pamper and prepare your look for the day. Be the most awesome you possible... believe me, it'll help your confidence.

4. On the day focus on the bride and being indispensable.

5. Don't drink too much.

6. Leave after the first dance if you're struggling. You've done your bit, hopefully well. Make any excuse: Ill, tired, hot date, whatever!!!

7. Pat yourself on the back for being a great friend and having such strength of character.

 

This may not be exact, but you have an opportunity to make yourself feel good, demonstrate strength and positivity to your ex and maintain your close friendship. Believe me, everyone (including you) would be so proud.

[Wiseman2]

Either pull yourself together or decline the wedding party thing. Do not ruin your friends wedding with your personal grievances.

I really dislike him and I can't guarantee I won't start an argument if he says something provoking.