Not a clue what to do!

[teach]

Dear all

 

My ex and I split up about 4 years ago. I was going through a tough time with completely unrelated issue, and I have to admit I couldn't cope with my stress of this and the relationship at the same time. I wasn't paying her enough attention and when she starting to moan about it, we argued, I couldn't cope with the hassle and I was a little nasty and I kicked her out of my apartment.

In most ways she was great though and I am sure in any other time we would have been great together, and now and again I have missed her over the years.

 

We met at a mutual friends party. And since we very occasionally have bumped into each other when she has been out with our mutual friends and acquaintances. We have always been pleasant and said pleasantries etc. However, I had met someone else and was in a relationship (although I probably realised my new girlfriend wasn't going to turn out to be the one).

 

Most of our unplanned meetings had been brief. But on one occasion we were both drinking with our mutual friends. We had a bit of a catch-up chat and she suggested we re-accepted each other on Facebook....she said it would be good to see how my son was doing. As I thought this was quite nice, and as I was having problems in my current relationship I accepted. Before I left she gave me a hug and that was that.

 

Then she started liking pictures I put on there with my girlfriend who I was with at the time. When I've looked back at pictures, it now seems she has liked quite a few pictures I am in with other women. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time, and didn't really think why she would do that, whether genuine or she had ulterior motives. I was still concentrating on making my current relationship work which lasted about a year more after this.

 

In the end my current relationship didn't work out and in the end it was mutual.

 

But about a month ago I had made plans to meet for a day of socialising with friends and our mutual friend brought out my ex (I had no idea he was going to bring her out - or whether she knew I was coming out). Towards the end of the night our 3 other friends decided to go home and left me and her in the casino we used to enjoy going to and playing black jack. The casino is only a short walk from my apartment and by this point we had had quite a lot to drink.

We were having a good time together and rather than her going back to her apartment on her own at about 2 am, I said she could stay at mine. She was happy to get into my bed and strip off into her underwear. We talked and she said no-one wanted her, that she messes up relationships and that she hasn't got into a relationship since me. But she made it clear she wasn't going to have sex or even a kiss, but she was happy to cuddle. Which although as a red blooded male and I said I would have had sex, I actually respected her saying no to sex, and thought it actually made me respect her more.

 

In the morning, I said we should go get breakfast which she did....I suggested that we get breakfast which she was happy to do. After chatting some more and walking her to the station I said maybe we should go on a date. She said maybe, gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the lips and went. Later I facebook messaged her to say I actually didn't have her number any more and she sent me it.

 

Since then I suggested a few dates, all of which she has rebuffed with....oh I'm busy, maybe, oh I've got plans etc. Until I was about to give up, I laid it on the line and she replied that she was not really wanting to date or have a relationship mainly because she is busy but also because of what happened before with us. She said she still thought I was lovely, and although I hinted that maybe she just didn't find me attractive any more...she didn't take the bait to say that. So I thought I would give up.

 

Then just last week I was again out and again to my surprise our mutual friend brought her to a football match we was attending. Which although she likes football, she certainly isn't a regular attender. This time she started being a bit warmer to me, I even half jokingly said she had been rebuffing me, and she said she has been thinking about changing her mind about that. She took a picture with me and beckoned me to sit next to her in the pub. I was driving, so offered to take her and 2 other mutual friends back home afterwards. I asked what order they should be dropped off and my ex made it so she was last out.

 

As she we were driving she said that she was looking for stability. She gave me quite a long hug, but said without me trying or prompting, that she wasn't gonna snog me....but gave me a couple of kisses on the lips and left. She then text later to say thanks for the lift back.

 

I was due for a short break away with a couple of mates and thought I would be nice while I was away, text her not too much, but let her know I'm thinking of her and I bought her a token souvenir. When I came back I text her to show her what I had bought and asked when she was coming to collect it. She said it was really thoughtful....but she was not interested in a relationship or dating at the minute. Again, I know that usually means that the girl isn't interested and isn't attracted to you and to give up and move on. But then she sent another text to say 'I am scared if I meet you that you'd expect something to happen'.

 

At first I sent a witty text message back saying 'absolutely not, I have a 6 meeting rule now'.....but then thought, maybe she just thinks I might be after sex and sent another message in which I told her I'm not after sex at all, that really I was sorry I was not nice 4 years ago and under different circumstances I don't think we would have split.

 

This was yesterday, but so far I haven't had a reply.

 

So I'm completely flummoxed. Is she just after friendship? Is she playing me or messing me about? Is she just sacred of dating/relationships/getting hurt again? Still angry or hurt by me? Does she just not find me attractive anymore? (She certainly did 4 years ago). And how do I react in each of those circumstances? Or how do I find out? Just when I think a f*** it she's not interested, she dangles a little bit back again. I feel usually you would just delete her of facebook and block her on whatsapp and move on, but at the same time I may bump into her again, and I'm not sure she has really given me any reason to be annoyed with her. She has made it clear she doesn't want to date or have a relationship....but not sure of the reason why or whether she will change her mind as she has hinted.

 

I do feel if she did things would be a lot different this time. I know I haven't got the stress in my life and I'm in a much better place. But at the same time I don't want to seem needy and desperate if she really isn't interested.

 

Thanks for reading....what do you think guys?

[Wiseman2]

The best way to find out is ask her out one on one. No heavy talk, just get a red on things. Social media stuff is like an ink blot test. It could mean anything and be interpreted in many ways.

[teach]

Thanks for your response......Not sure when I'll bump into her again. I've asked her out a few times now by text.....and just got general fob offs I think!

[vesper]

Well, you are being hot and cold with her. Why not just leave her alone, she is probably not interested and you keep running into her places just try to be polite.