SimplyMH Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Hello, so I've been with my …fiancé? Boyfriend? For almost 6 years. Started living together 3 years ago. We have two handsome boys( 3,10 months) , I wanted to get married and I guess he felt pressured and gave me a ring this New Years. After that he said we would get married in February, we're in April and I asked what's going on?! And he said he isn't feeling it anymore as in getting married. BUT he says he still loves me?! I'm just getting tired of feeling like I'm playing house, you know?! On my birthday 4/6/16 I gave him the ring back and told him I didn't want it until he actually meant it. He didn't say anything. I've asked him if he wants me to change something, or even lose weight. I mean he says I'm perfect, but I know I'm chunky compare to 6 years ago. Yes, he has cheated before and like anyone who's been cheated on, my world collapsed. I just can't see myself without him. I truly love him, but I want to be married and not feel like I'm a placeholder or something like that. He's a great father but I truly don't know if it's just a phase or scared of Commitment?! Does he still love me? Should I just leave with my little ones? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KantSleep Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 I don't know if he loves you. He certainly isn't giving you what you need and your sons deserve. You were good enough to have his babies, but not be his wife. He is giving you a crappy deal. Time for the ultimatum. If you don't get the stability and commitment you desire, you should seriously consider leaving the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujusamples Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 It's a bit naive to think that he's scared of "commitment" after he produced two kids with you. If he doesn't want to marry you by now, I'm sorry for most likely he's not going to. I'm not sure why you aren't still in a relationship with this man. He's is not treating you very well. Cheating on you and refuse to marry you. You deserve a lot more and better than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 He cheats, lies, deceives and disrespects you, yet you cannot see your life without him. HMMMM. He does not want to get married, and he never will. If this is important, then it is time to move on. You should have left after the cheating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight2001 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 hi, i think it's time ou got your self worth back. how are you still with him after he cheated? get out of there now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rezie Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Children are massively bigger commitment than marriage. So he can't be afraid of commitment. Some people just don't want to get married and some do. You can't force him and expect it to work out. You just have to decide if you want to be with him or be married. You don't need to change yourself for him or lose weight. I don't think you have worked through the cheating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 I'd ask myself, "If this is the most the BF will ever offer--no less, but no more--would I stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are, and stop bugging him about marriage. If the answer is go, then then next question becomes, when? Don't take your kids and leave just to jerk him around for drama to provoke him. That won't get you what you want, and it's misusing your kids. If you decide to go, then it's not for 'effect' it's to start a new life without the guy. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Unfortunately it sounds like after 6 years and living together 3 years and 2 kids, he's fine with the status quo. Was the plan to get married mutual before moving in and having children? Do you work? What leverage do you have regarding getting married? What are your reasons for marriage? To be next of kin and operate as a legally related family? 'Should i lose weight?' and 'does he love me?' has nothing to do with the reasons for marriage. Present a rational reason for marriage if that's what you want. As far as self esteem, develop a self improvement plan. Get in shape, get on a nutrition and exercise program. Update your image , new clothes, hair etc. Take fitness and relaxation classes. Do all this for yourself and your children, not to prevent cheating or encourage marriage. Consult an attorney regarding cohabitation rights. 6 years. Started living together 3 years ago. We have two handsome boys. he felt pressured and gave me a ring this New Years. he said he isn't feeling it anymore as in getting married. he has cheated before. I just can't see myself without him. He's a great father Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimplyMH Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 I'd ask myself, "If this is the most the BF will ever offer--no less, but no more--would I stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are, and stop bugging him about marriage. If the answer is go, then then next question becomes, when? Don't take your kids and leave just to jerk him around for drama to provoke him. That won't get you what you want, and it's misusing your kids. If you decide to go, then it's not for 'effect' it's to start a new life without the guy. Period. If I leave, I would never be the type of mother to refuse her kids to see their father. He's a great dad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimplyMH Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Unfortunately it sounds like after 6 years and living together 3 years and 2 kids, he's fine with the status quo. Was the plan to get married mutual before moving in and having children? Do you work? What leverage do you have regarding getting married? What are your reasons for marriage? To be next of kin and operate as a legally related family? 'Should i lose weight?' and 'does he love me?' has nothing to do with the reasons for marriage. Present a rational reason for marriage if that's what you want. As far as self esteem, develop a self improvement plan. Get in shape, get on a nutrition and exercise program. Update your image , new clothes, hair etc. Take fitness and relaxation classes. Do all this for yourself and your children, not to prevent cheating or encourage marriage. Consult an attorney regarding cohabitation rights. No, I do not work. I stay home with the kids and to make matters worse I don't even have a car. I've told him we need to get him once ASAP but he doesn't seem to take the initiative. And I'm just getting tired of waiting for him to do so, I'm currently job hunting. No luck. Yes we planned to get married before the kids and he use to talk about it so profoundly. We had a surprise pregnancy so in a way we decided to move in together. That's why I didn't pressure him into getting married plus he would tell me that right after being discharge and got well we would go to the courthouse. Didn't happened. I want marriage and I know he does, I'm just stating to think he doesn't want it with me. If i end the relationship, I'll have to suck it up and go to my parents. Why?! Because I do NOT have any money, yes he gives $$if I ask him or he simply buys whatever is needed. I don't have a job and of course it would be temporarily, I know it isn't idea but that's the only option I have. And sucks to feel like a burden to anyone, even though my parents love me and the kids. They are just upset we haven't gotten married and yes my parents are christians so marriage is Sacarte, and it is to me too. I don't want a big wedding I just want courthouse and that's it, but I don't see it happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimplyMH Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 hi, i think it's time ou got your self worth back. how are you still with him after he cheated? get out of there now. Honestly, even I don't know. It hurt me so much. I did my best to work things out even when I felt worse than trash. Self-esteem?! Yeah that long gone… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 can your parents help with child care so you can work, get a vehicle and become more independent and more of an equal partner? Right now he is supporting you and the kids after the surprise pregnancy. You need to present a reasonable logical reason to marry such as being a legal family unit. Your folk's beliefs are not his problem and if 'living in sin' or having 'out of wedlock' kids upsets your parents, that pressure won't work either. Focus on financial independence, getting a car and job and childcare. Focus on a self improvement plan. Do not let yourself go mentally, physically or financially and get complacent and bored and start to nag.No, I do not work. I stay home with the kids and to make matters worse I don't even have a car. my parents love me and the kids. They are just upset we haven't gotten married and yes my parents are christians so marriage is Sacarte, and it is to me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 If I leave, I would never be the type of mother to refuse her kids to see their father. He's a great dad! Two different subjects. Nobody's suggesting you'd keep kids from their father. The suggestion was to avoid putting anybody through the drama of a breakup unless you mean it--for good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 If marriage is so important, then why did you pop out two children with him? If marriage is important to someone, they don't move in and have babies before the wedding date. I know people say 'he's already committed so it doesn't matter" - but he is merely fulfilling his responsibilities. He has not committed to a lifelong marriage with you. If the first kid was an oops - you didn't have to have a second nor live with him as a family. So make your actions match your wants. You tell him you don't want to play house = but you are! Don't lower yourself by asking him if you need to lose weight or something in order to be worthy of marriage. You are worthy of marriage and i think you should just lay off of him for a short bit, seek personal counseling - get your self esteem up and then tell him that you won't nag him anymore but its important in your life to be married. If he doesn't feel the same, then he should move out so you can find someone who is interested in you in that way. I think it was wrong to pressure him. But its right to have boundaries. I would give him the boot. You can coparent living apart. maybe after not playing house for awhile, he'll come again with a ring and a wedding date or you'll meet someone who wants to marry you and be an awesome stepdad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 You need to present a reasonable logical reason to marry such as being a legal family unit. I wouldn't. she has the right to feel that she is someone who wants her because he loves her and cherishes her, not just to "create a legal family". I agree that she needs some counseling and to get a job so that she can start supporting herself. He will have to pay child support for the kids, but she shouldn't expect to be given enough money to stay home with them full time. If she gets a part time job where the parents will take the kids and then a full time one where the kids will be part time in daycare and part time with dad or parents, she will get part of her self esteem back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megamuppet Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I dont think ultimatums are a good idea, ever. People get scared and make daft decisions. What if he ends it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrno1 Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Leave him! Your better than that ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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