JoeBags1 Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 I'm 17, and for the last two years I don't think there's been a single day without her on my mind. One of the girls at my school, who isn't one of the "cool" kids, had got my attention and I cannot place specifically when. From time to time I would have her on my mind, or I'd smile from across our classroom to myself when she said a funny joke or some such. We had been running parallels for the best part of 8 years, and not once had we spoken. As time went by, I eventually found myself realising that I would become extremely nervous when near her and actually went about my days trying to avoid her, simply because I was embarrassed. She is honestly one of the most amazing people. She is smart, beautiful, honest, kind... the whole lot. A lot of people would assume this is the part of me which is infatuated doing the talking, but I have never met anyone like her. I wish not to give too many details (to remain anonymous), but I went away for a week with people from across England who met up based on achievement on a test (sorry for lack of detail). There, I imagined I would meet someone who I would inevitably like, but I didn't. Sure, there were a couple people there who were quite nice, but I ended up coming away from it with an even stronger sense of admiration for the girl at my school. Skipping ahead past the initial stages of my stupid whatever this is, it got to the stage where we were counting down to our GCSEs (exams for ages 15-16). Now while it may not occur at all schools, our was due to have a prom after the exams in celebration. I bet you see where this is headed. Being the nervous nelly I am, I wrote out on a piece of paper my number, and the question of whether or not she would like to go with me. I slipped it on her desk in a lesson, and hoped nobody had seen as opposed to asking her in person. After about maybe 5 days or so, she messaged me. It was on Facebook messenger, and she apologised for not responding sooner, as her phone didn't have any credit. Her response was that she already had plans to get there with friends, but she suggested we could meet up when there. Now. A bit about me is necessary. I have never fit in. I've been called nerd, I've been taunted for my appearence, etc. I think differently. I seem to be one of the few people who care more about others than themselves; the scenario with planes and putting your mask on first, nope. I would always check everyone else's first then my own. I don't care that it puts me at risk, I'm not as important. Anyway, I know I'm different. Not everyone has an IQ above 160, and not everyone spends their afternoons sat in their room coding. Now how does that relate? Prom. I expected something far different to what actually happened. I expected a lot more formal dancing, and slower paced music, and people would stick to the 1920s theme. Boy was I wrong. Practically nobody followed the code, and I felt like a wally for putting Brylcreem in my hair. The music was awful/current - most of it was rapping and swearing, and horribly loud. Oh I messed up order... before prom, we went to the cinema. I enjoyed it. She seemed to enjoy it. It was awkward as all hell. And I held her hand for part of it. Shocker. So that had happened, and I had come away from that feeling positive about things. Back to prom. Prom was crap. Not because of her but because of the event itself. Standing around with all her friends "dancing" was not fun. It basically involved me standing there swaying my hands, while all my male friends laughed. They aren't very nice. The night went on. We had photos together, which I kept and really like. I honestly didn't believe she could look any prettier. A couple of them were awkward, because being me I didn't cotton on to the idea of putting on silly hats for the photo booth. Okay, getting there.... Nearly over. Prom is wrapping up. I had a planned activity the day after which restricted me going to any afterparties. So I said to her, something along the lines of "Have a good night..." then I kissed the back of her hand (see I'm not a normal 17 year old). "Text me to let me know you're alright". And left. She did text me, a little drunk I believe. At least she's somewhat of a normal teenager. Except from the fact that she is like nobody I've ever met. Contradiction huh... Since then we went to play laser tag, and she joined a club which I am part of, and we sit next to each other in maths, and we text sometimes. I got her a kick-ass birthday present, and a cool gift just cause, and also a cool Christmas present. All sounds good, right? Well, so far she hasn't got me anything. What's worse is she said she would for Christmas and didn't. This is over the course of almost a year. And I still feel nervous around her. Also, I asked if she wanted to be bf and gf (over text. I know its crappy but I can't stress this enough, I'm nervous) before prom, and she said not till summer. I then asked in autumn last year because we didn't converse much over the summer holidays and she said something about not being great with emotions, and that I'm a great guy or some such. The reason why I turned to this website is to ask for advice. I honestly have no clue what to do. One family member at one point said stay well clear of her, because she's done nothing good for me but since changed her mind that I should follow my heart. The worst thing to have happen would be to lose her as a friend. The best thing to happen would be her to say she felt the same way I do, but I don't fully know if she knows how I feel and I doubt she feels the same way. I want to hold her hand from time to time, and smile with her. I want someone who I can talk to late at night, and gossip with. I'd love to be with her, to help her through rough times and to have her when I need help. I'd go as far as to say I want to be in a relationship. I'd fully trust her, and she would be able to trust me, and she knows that. And then there is the part of me that says well you're 17 - you don't need this in your life, but I do. Every day for the past two maybe three years she has been on my mind. Spending time with her has been a real highlight for me. If I asked her out again, then that'd be me being desperate or whatever, but it's eating at me that I want to but can't... I don't know. I'm a monogamist to the extreme. I'd drop everything for her, however foolish. Worst bit is I realise it would be. I have fallen so heavily in love dare I say, that if I'm not with her in the future I will struggle to be with someone else because of her. Should I try to find a reason to dislike her? That would be bloody hard, but I'm clueless as with what's best to do. Above all, I want her to be happy. I love the way she smiles, and I believe she should smile a lot more, and I want to achieve that. Link to comment
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