Is it time to dump my BPD Drug Addict Alcoholic GF & Best Friend????

[lebronjames23]

Apologies for some of the short form. This was originally a post to myself for clarity...

 

We have spoken for nearly 3 years on and off, and I think the history and friendship makes it hard to move on.

I knew she had a past involving drugs, alcohol, ty ways, and had lost custody of her kid before and many wrongdoings, but I accepted that.

She has Bipolar Personality Disorder, which again is troublesome, but I accepted it.

 

The above is the early days when we spoke but never hangout.

 

Nearly 2 years ago we met and started dating, and I realised there was so much more to this girl, claiming to many that she’d be perfect at the age of 30. She’s now 22, turning 23, and has made tremendous progress.

 

I'm not in way too deep with her and in love with her, and her little girl, who ive become like a Dad figure too. The kids amazing and Ive always wanted to be a Dad.

 

Although we dated a few times, I backed off as I didnt feel she was relationship material. EG we went to watch West Ham United her football team, and in the evening she was on Skype wearing the shirt like a dress, being GF material. I went to sleep, woke to meet her to find out she’d been on a cocaine binge and barely mate it. We had a good day, but her coke comedown soon started and did impact it. I didn’t see her for a while.

 

Soon after I insulted her saying something jokey, and she deleted me. We wouldn’t speak for a few months.

 

Then I’d gone back to another ex, and had left her and began dating a little more..I met a girl called Kayleigh, and although she was lovely, she just wasnt for me…During this I realised I didnt have feelings for her and decided to meet Jillie. Again I realised I liked Jillie but she was a risk..Stupidly I went for Kayleigh..

 

Soon after that we begun. And here are the problems in our 8-9 months of on and off being an “us”.

 

I cheated on Kayleigh a few weeks after making it official. Jillie came over, got me drunk, and I’d always had a thing for her. I came clean of course, but at that moment I thought damn I’ve got to 25without cheating, what the gives. I cheated.

I processed my thoughts and wanted to see what I want. It was Jillie .

We began dating instantly and it was great, somewhat justifying my decision to ‘cheat’. We made it official, but with the hot weather and lust we started drinking an awful lot. I still maintained control of my life, but hers fluctuated.

We made it official in mid August 2016. Soon after rumours began to surface that she had cheated. She hadn’t but I accused her etc..anyway soon after, one day I left and she got on cocaine whilst looking after her daughter and had her Mother over. She was also back in college..you’d think I’m safe right? She cheated on me that night in order to get cocaine.

The next day she dumped me..blaming me..however, few days later we patched things up and she admitted she cheated and we worked through it. Id never seen her show guilt or remorse for anything, so gave her another chance. MY worries grew.

Although we were great problems started to occur. EG October 8th was my Mums death date, we had planned to see one another. She seen me on 7th and 9th, and made other plans with her mum and friend on the 8th. I was fuming, especially with her holiday to Ibiza coming up..she went away to Ibiza, and had been clean for a while, however, one night she was on cam and her mate was in bed. Both makeup less and drunk..her mate was slagging her off for not doing drugs etc..they went to bed as did I. I woke up at 6am for work, only to see pictures of the two of them coked up, and they told me they’d done cocaine abroad and been drinking and skinny dipping for 6 hours. about 2 months later than the first split we split, and it got pretty nasty.

Around this time she had recently started driving, she drunk drive to mine with her 4-year-old daughter in the car.

I started hanging out with one of her close friends behind her back, again not something Id ever do. There was rumours of her doing stuff with a guy during this break that I later found out to not be true, but her inaccurate stories of this didnt help.

Soon after we got back together and this was probably our best period. However, in early December we both lost our jobs a day apart and began spending so much time together. With little money, plenty of drink and junk food, no jobs, and Christmas looming kicked off.

Around this time we were ok in a sense, she had given up drugs. However, her Mum came to time who’s a bad influence..,me her and mates went bowling with her two young brothers on a Saturday. We all had a bit of drink, but I thought fine great…all of a sudden I look round and there’s me and her brothers. 6 adults are gone. Where are they? doing cocaine on a Saturday lunchtime in bowling alley toilets around kids..Classy..I only found out later through other means.

She began to ignore me and kicked me out her house..I was down, jobless, skint and had lost any friend or partner support. Her previously mentioned friend offered to come over and drink..We got wrecked, and after a silly Facebook post about booze, Jillie dumped me for a third time.. I then spent the night in bed with her friend, but didnt touch her or do anything.

During our break I went back to my previous ex, she went back to hers and we were apart, but both failed with them and came back to one another.

Jillie found out and flipped, I came clean about things with her mate, e.g. seeing her behind her back…however, after some back and forth we patched things up when she was lonely on Valentines, soon after we got back together, however, before confirming this I was sleeping with/seeing my other ex at the same time, weighing up my options you may call it. I picked Jillie, fourth time lucky ay?

We were again great, but she grew distant.

Recently she lost her new job, got smashed with mates for two days straight and got coked up beyond belief, putting me at the bottom of her priorities.

 

I could add much more, but in the 8-9 months together we got together through me cheating, we have split 3 times, she’s cheated once that I know of, we both ran back to exes, I shared a bed and met up a few times in private with her close mate, she has damaged her car beyond belief crashing etc, got drunk several times a week, done cocaine on the regular, although it calmed down some. She’s lost 2 jobs and a college course, shown inconsistent behaviours as both a girlfriend and a Mother.

 

I love her, and she is improving day by day in the grand scheme of things. EG she used to do drugs daily when I met her, now she doesn’t. and I know she loves me, but its takenits toll on me, making me anxious and obsessive..this is probably 50-60% of what’s happened in our less than one year together..

 

She has been drinking a lot lately, some times with me, but This weekend, early days in our fourth time together, I told a mate theres always something with her. Later that day. She lost her job, got drunk and did drugs again.. just showing that these bad, dark times are always near..or possible.

 

What do I do? I want to end it, but a part of me is convinced one day she’s going to be a better person. As in 2-3 years she’s made amazing progress..she’s done plenty of good too, but this is the basics of the bad that we have both done together..

 

Trust me when I say this is 20m off top of my head. There’s a lot more like this, or little incidents, lies and problems.

 

Do I give up, or do I perserve. I do love her, but I think I deserve better, and I’ve already done some bad things, and it makes me wonder if she’ll influence me to do more.

[Wiseman2]

It's a train wreck and you already seem to realize that. Is she hot? Why do you hang on?

[lebronjames23]

Funnily enough, she's not hot. She's a great laugh, has been there though a lot. EG this last year I've been in and out of work and on below minimum wage. You'd think she's hot. Although I love her and I'm attracted to her.. nope, she's not hot, and maybe that's a reflection of myself even more?

 

I was a really good guy! I own my own property, I have a degree, my own business, a good family, dont do drugs, drink rarely (more with her than elsewhere now), and have really achieved a lot, but I'm 26, and this is something Is houldve been doing as a teen I guess.

 

Good question, but sadly she's not that hot, just feelings, the friendship, her and her daughter I guess Im clinging too..

[lebronjames23]

It's a train wreck and you already seem to realize that. Is she hot? Why do you hang on?

 

Thanks for the reply btw!

[lebronjames23]

Funnily enough, she's not hot. She's a great laugh, has been there though a lot. EG this last year I've been in and out of work and on below minimum wage. You'd think she's hot. Although I love her and I'm attracted to her.. nope, she's not hot, and maybe that's a reflection of myself even more?

 

I was a really good guy! I own my own property, I have a degree, my own business, a good family, dont do drugs, drink rarely (more with her than elsewhere now), and have really achieved a lot, but I'm 26, and this is something Is houldve been doing as a teen I guess.

 

Good question, but sadly she's not that hot, just feelings, the friendship, her and her daughter I guess Im clinging too..

 

It's a train wreck and you already seem to realize that. Is she hot? Why do you hang on?

[Hollyj]

What a huge, unhealthy mess!

 

You should never expect people to change, especially someone with such a laundry list of problems.

 

I would address your attraction to such an unhealthy dynamic , in addition to your casual attitude towards cheating - I don't think Kayleigh would feel the same, and shows a big lack of character on your part.

 

Get some therapy, to understand your attraction to drama and toxicity.

[Hollyj]

Funnily enough, she's not hot. She's a great laugh, has been there though a lot. EG this last year I've been in and out of work and on below minimum wage. You'd think she's hot. Although I love her and I'm attracted to her.. nope, she's not hot, and maybe that's a reflection of myself even more?

 

I was a really good guy! I own my own property, I have a degree, my own business, a good family, dont do drugs, drink rarely (more with her than elsewhere now), and have really achieved a lot, but I'm 26, and this is something Is houldve been doing as a teen I guess.

 

Good question, but sadly she's not that hot, just feelings, the friendship, her and her daughter I guess Im clinging too..

 

I think he asked if she were hot, because none of us can understand what would attract you to this. This could be the only reason you would put yourself in this situation- even if it is a really silly reason.

[lebronjames23]

Hello Holly,

 

I appreciate your feedback. I'm here for the good and bad, as I'm trying to learn a lot. It is very unhealthy. Mostly because if you met me I'm a normal, ambitious down to earth mess who has somehow been dragged into this.

 

I dont think she will change, but then she seems so much better for such a long while.

 

To be honest she's the first 'unhealthy attraction' I've had..my attitude to cheating isn't like that at all. I should have never done that, and never would again, and believe me I apologised and made it clear and told Kayleigh. Not relaxed about it at all, it haunts me, but it does worry me that that was the first action of many that led me to this mess...

 

I should have known then at 25 it was an issue...Id never so much as looked at another woman when taken before.. I have plenty of character, but we all make mistakes..that was mine.

 

The issue I have with my partner is she is one to make many mistakes.

 

I perhaps do need to see why I am attracted to drama and toxicity at the moment..I want to be happy and settled...With property investment, great friends, family and a great career, it's safe to say I've figured out a lot, apart from women.. so I cant fathom why here.

 

She was a friend first and foremost and there haas been plenty of good, she'd be the first to say Im stating only the bad here.

 

Do you really think being attracted to and falling in love with one troubled woman puts me into that box? I sure hope not..I believe its time to finish it..but she always seems to improve..but of course the inevitable relapses make it unworthy...

 

Maybe you're right, and besides I do want to better myself, but I needed extra opinions. Thanks

[lebronjames23]

Hotness isn't even it. She came across settled and different when we got together. But once you're in love and invested in a person and her kid, it's hard, but perhaps enough is enough now.

 

Hotness would explain this, but not the case here which does show i really do care for her, dont you think? But some people cant be saved I think!

 

Thanks

[lebronjames23]

Reply is above!

 

Aplogies for making a mess of this thread. New to the site.

 

I think he asked if she were hot, because none of us can understand what would attract you to this. This could be the only reason you would put yourself in this situation- even if it is a really silly reason.

[boltnrun]

A lot of drinking (on both your parts), a lot of drugs, a lot of bed-sharing with other people...I don't see "happy and settled" in any of it.

 

The reason it appears you are attracted to chaos is you keep going back for more.

 

If you truly want to be "happy and settled", it sure won't be with this woman.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry she need a psychiatrist and rehab not a bf and a relationship.

[lebronjames23]

Hey! I agree tbh! We have both done some silly stuff. I feel like she has dragged me through the mud as I never have nor never would usually do these kind of things!

 

I have drunk some. Like not a lot, but more than I want to!

 

The bed sharing on my part was non sexual at all. But still hurtful none the less!

 

You are right about chaos, why on earth would I go back for that I ask though? I have never gone for chaos previously, however!

 

Pehaps you're true, but no belief that people can change and grow one day? Perhaps you're right, i struggle to see happy and settled future with her. Thankyou!

 

A lot of drinking (on both your parts), a lot of drugs, a lot of bed-sharing with other people...I don't see "happy and settled" in any of it.

 

The reason it appears you are attracted to chaos is you keep going back for more.

 

If you truly want to be "happy and settled", it sure won't be with this woman.

[lebronjames23]

Thank you! Perhaps you're right. I hope one day she reaches a good point for herself, even though I won't be around. She's certainly trouble and it's nice to see others believe the same!

 

Sorry she need a psychiatrist and rehab not a bf and a relationship.

[boltnrun]

You're addicted to excitement and extreme emotions.

 

Can't you take up an exciting sport activity instead?

[lebronjames23]

I used to box. The relationship came with her after I gave up boxing so you might be on to something...

 

Not sure why I'm addicted to it. I do love her. But enough is enough I think!

 

You're addicted to excitement and extreme emotions.

 

Can't you take up an exciting sport activity instead?

[Hollyj]

You sound like a nice guy who is attracted to some unhealthy stuff.

 

No one drug you into anything, as it was your choice. Plus, you returned, time and again, for more.

 

I would look into codependency to understand you. You should also be I with someone , who doesn't need to change, for you to be happy.

[Hollyj]

Hey! I agree tbh! We have both done some silly stuff. I feel like she has dragged me through the mud as I never have nor never would usually do these kind of things!

 

I have drunk some. Like not a lot, but more than I want to!

 

The bed sharing on my part was non sexual at all. But still hurtful none the less!

 

You are right about chaos, why on earth would I go back for that I ask though? I have never gone for chaos previously, however!

 

Pehaps you're true, but no belief that people can change and grow one day? Perhaps you're right, i struggle to see happy and settled future with her. Thankyou!

 

Good grief! Take some responsibility! You are an adult! No one had a gun to your head, and you are not a victim!

[lebronjames23]

Of course, I get that. I made the choice not knowing BPD, and believing she would get better, healthier. And they always present the best of themselves first. I do continue to return as I love hr. Also made me think if I can love such a mess it must be real what I am feeling.

 

I try my best to be nice, but perhaps you're right, this is an unhealthy attraction to say the least.

 

True perhaps it's wrong of me to think that. I love her for her, but wanted the drama gone, but perhaps I'm looking at the wrong person and place.

 

Thanks Holly!

 

You sound like a nice guy who is attracted to some unhealthy stuff.

 

No one drug you into anything, as it was your choice. Plus, you returned, time and again, for more.

 

I would look into codependency to understand you. You should also be I with someone , who doesn't need to change, for you to be happy.

[lebronjames23]

I know I'm not a victim, I just mean I was naive to think I could avoid drama with a girl with such a drama-led life, right? It's my bad and something I need to address I think!

 

Good grief! Take some responsibility! You are an adult! No one had a gun to your head, and you are not a victim!

[itsallgrand]

How in the world does she still have that kid.? Have you been turning a blind eye to the neglect and damage she's been doing to that child?

 

What you are willing to put up with is one thing. But how in good conscience can you stand by while a child is under that kind of 'care'? She doesn't have the resources to just walk away and make sense of it like you do

[lebronjames23]

Hello, thanks for your advice. I have said a few times 99% of the time her kid is with her Nan. Her kid is fine, believe you me I wuldnt allow any harm to come.

 

She keeps this as behaviour for when she's away from her daughter, which to me shows she knows right and wrong and their differences, yet she still chooses to have bad times too.

 

Not sure what to do tbh, but the kid always comes first, dont worry.

 

 

How in the world does she still have that kid.? Have you been turning a blind eye to the neglect and damage she's been doing to that child?

 

What you are willing to put up with is one thing. But how in good conscience can you stand by while a child is under that kind of 'care'? She doesn't have the resources to just walk away and make sense of it like you do