Bobsburgers Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 3 years. We have broken up a couple times before (only for a week or such) but once for a full month. We've been through a lot of problems but recently it's been really good and we've been happy. Or so I thought. I'm not in school and I don't have a job atm. Me and him are both recently out of high school and he's been going to college since we got out (class of 2016 yo) since I haven't had much to do I've wanted to spend a lot of time together, but he seemed to drift off until he eventually told me I was being a bit too clingy. So I tried to back off. A while later he told me he was having doubts about us. Just that he wants more experiences and to date other people and to "find himself" so to speak. I was understanding and tried to be there for him while this was bothering him. A couple days later he admitted he started having feelings for a classmate at his college and I once again was really understanding and I told him it was okay and natural to sometimes like other people in a relationship. But something seemed really off with him A couple days later things were weird and I asked to come over to try to set things straight. I came over and spent the night but before that we talked for hours (I'm talking falling asleep at 6 am) sobbing and crying because he was saying he's so conflicted and wants to leave me, but he can't because he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. We agreed to genuinely try to fix this issue between us. The next day we went on a little date and just hung out and spent the day together. I thought it went really well. And he told me he was coming over to my house tomorrow to take back a game I had borrowed. But when he came over, some pretty heavy stuff went down. Basically he told me he couldn't be with me, and he felt he needed to do this. Naturally I was heartbroken and cried, and my mom heard and came downstairs. We told her what was happening and she tried to do a little therapy session for us. Basically he said he's 19 and in college and doesn't want to feel restricted yet. He wants to explore and date and flirt and do whatever essentially. We all talked for a bit and he came to the conclusion he should leave me. My mom went upstairs to let us say our goodbyes, but we both ended up sobbing and hugging each other. At one point, his hug was really tight and through his crying he said "it doesn't feel right". I asked what and he just said "it doesn't feel right anymore. I thought I knew what i wanted. Why does this hurt so bad?" we were both still crying but he said again "I don't wanna lose you...I love you so much. I would seriously marry you. I'm just not ready to be in my final relationship...but this is so hard to do. Because you're perfect for me" and i asked if he still wanted to leave me and he kept saying "I don't know" until he finally said "no. I really don't want to leave you." My mom had come back down because we were crying and I asked if we could do another little "therapy" session because he was so conflicted. Once again, by the end he said "I really think I need to do this. To find myself." as he was leaving he stood and cried and we hugged. I tried to be calm. We haven't contacted each other since then, and that was 3 days ago. I hurt so much from it,especially hearing that if he could be with anyone it'd be me, but he's not ready to settle down with someone. I understand his feelings as I've felt them before, but deeply hurt because if you could find someone you would spend your life with, wouldn't you try to keep them even if you had doubts? As much as I love him, I think he is a bit emotionally immature. I don't know if he knows the severity of the situation. He has broken up with me a couple times (those were my fault, I was being an ass) but this time he kept telling me I was being a great girlfriend and it had nothing to do with me. And to be honest I was being the best I could for him this last month (he told me about the doubts about a month ago. Before that we were really close and happy, even having promise rings. I really didn't expect this.) My question is, is it possible for us to fix this? I know we already broke up. But we have broken up quite a few times before this and he still seemed really conflicted leaving me. I wonder if the space between us now he's on spring break (cause he had college and I was clingy before) will help him truly decide. Is the space bearable? Or will he really miss me? And even if he were to choose to come back to me, is our relationship too damaged from the past and current break up to even try to fix it? I love him with all my heart and can't bare to think of a future without him. I just am unsure if he feels the same. I desperately want to talk to him, and I'm so unsure of what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 On/off and cheating are not good signs and it's best to finally let go and free yourself from this. There are much better guys out there who don't give you "rocky relationships", cheating, lies and chronic breakups. Focus on going to college, career training, getting a job, etc. Make your life something you want it to be. Never revolve your life around someone becoming over-attached and over-invested and dependent on them for you entertainment because you have nothing going on.. Go strict no contact and delete and block him from everything. Besides focusing on your own life and making your own money and having your own goals, join groups or clubs and volunteer. Invest in a self-improvement plan. Work out, get new clothes, a new hairstyle. Fix yourself not a turbulent relationship or a guy who treats you like crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I know you are hurting, probably in a little shock and in denial. But I am going to tell you that you are okay. You are going to be okay and you will be happy again even if your X never enters your life again. I know right now you cant see a life without him, but I tell you that the sun will still rise and set without him. Life does move on and so will you. You have been this guys GF for so long that you dont know who you are. And now you have no idea what to do. Sure you have broken up before but this time its real. Listen to him. What he says and his actions match, in other words.. he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you any more. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you, he just wants to see whats out there. Other girls have caught his eye and he wants to have no strings attached. It is over between you two. Cry and mourn, but accept that its over. You two are not on a break or he is going to come back to you anytime soon. He is out there and he is going to flirt, date, kiss and have sex with other girls. Thats what he wants to do. Take this time and find out who you are. Make yourself happy, rely on friends and family, your mom is a good person to lean on and see that life is okay. You will be happy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I am sorry you are hurting, OP. The truth is that such young relationships almost never last forever. You're both too young and inexperienced to commit to a lifetime with each other. This is why I have always thought that promise rings were sweet but naive gestures at that age (and I had one, too!) Teens and young adult simply aren't ready to take on that kind of commitment and rarely do they actually signify much, to be blunt. Your relationship doesn't sound like it was all that good, though. Multiple break-ups are a sign something is wrong. He actually made the right and mature decision to end it completely if his heart isn't in it, especially given that he likes someone else. It would have been awful to let this continue when he knew he didn't feel the same way about you anymore. So while I'm sure he will miss you in some way, it's important to remember he knew this was coming. Most dumpers are much further along the grieving process as they'd already detached enough to end it. It will be tough, but you will need to let this go. Learn who you are again, independent of this relationship. It sounds like you two were highschool sweethearts, but know that separation at this phase is quite normal. I can't tell you how many couples I saw break up when we graduated high school and started university. I know of maybe just one or two who made it past university. All the others went their separate ways. Our lives change so much in that period and there is a strong desire to explore. Our first loves are powerful, but that does not mean they are the best we will experience. You need to keep that in mind moving forward. A bigger and better love is yet to come for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedjj Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 This sounds rather messy and you need to take a step back and look at yourself and whether he fits in the picture in the long run. You need to ask yourself whether you also envision all this drama that comes along with being in a relationship with him. Focus on you. Hit the gym, focus on your studies or work - improve yourself. Don't neglect your own being for someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobsburgers Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 So you're all saying there's no chance for him to go back to me? Or are you saying that even if he were to, I shouldn't go back? In that case how long do you think the healing process will take? We used to spend about every other day with eachother, and losing him feels like losing a family member. He was my best friend. Even if not as a relationship, I don't want to lose him as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 He might come back, anything is possible. But does that mean he will stay? Likely not, given your ages and unstable relationship history together. The healing process will take time. You will have good days and bad ones. But the best thing you can do right now is be patient with yourself. You'll probably need several solid months of recovery time before you begin to feel ready to move forward. Most of us have experienced what you are going through now, some of us several times over, and we all lived to tell about it. This means you will too, even if the road getting here is bumpy. First loves are significant, but they are rarely our last loves. There is a happier future for you - cliche but true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 You can't be "friends" right now as long as you are in love with him and want him back. If you were "friends", you'd have to see him with a date or new girlfriend. How would that make you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 No one can say its over forever, I just know its over for now. You must not put your life on hold waiting because you could miss out on a lot of wonderful expirences. He is out seeing what is out there. You might be the best he has ever been with or not. On the other side of that coin, you might meet the man of your dreams. Its hard to see that now, but you will evolve and perhaps your world will expand and what you like will grow too. What is best for you is just admit the relationship is over. Its not a bad thing to do because you are not letting your X leave your life, you are letting go of the relationship. And dont pretend to be a friend just to be in contact with him. Its only going to hurt you more. The focus is on you and what you can do to make that smile come out again. You will have good days and bad. And you wont like to hear this, but box everything that your X gave you. Box it up and put them away or give it away or throw it away. Delete all texts messages, emails, messages he has ever sent you. Delete or put all pictures you have on a card and put that card in the box. Delete his number from your phone, and any social media friends list. You must purge him from your life and its not being mean, its for you. Time to make you happy.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobsburgers Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 Thank you everyone who has responded. It means a lot. I am hurting deeply right now and desperately want contact with him. But I know that I must give us space. It's really hard, and I'm not interested in dating anyone else. But I will give myself time. I miss him dearly, but if he feels this is the right thing to do then I guess he must do it. It hurts but I will eventually recover. I just wish I could recover now. Thanks again to everyone though, I feel better now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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