Men, how to heal after breakup, knowing your ex is happy without you?

[Alias26]

My ex recently broke up with me a month ago. The breakup was completely my fault. I cheated on her and she found out through the girl's friend. I regret ever cheating on her and the breakup has been eating me alive on the inside. The two years we were together were wonderful, we clicked and were extremely compatible. We made mistakes throughout the relationship but nothing we couldn't work out until this. She was the love of my life, the one, she was my world and I loved her soo much. I know she is hurting too, and I am the one who caused this.

 

Ever since the breakup, I have been depressed. I can barely eat, I can barely sleep, I have panic attacks in the middle of the night, and have anxiety throughout the day. We met this weekend to talk about everything and work everything out. She told me that she could never be with me again, and she is learning to be happy by herself and is in a better place now. I miss her so much and I love her to death, and I know many of you will say "then why did you cheat on her?" I honestly do not know, I was drunk.

 

I have had suicidal thoughts many times and have thought that I will never love like this again, or I will never find someone like her again. We would talk 24/7 and now that we aren't together, loneliness has set in. It just seems easier to end things than to deal with the pain.

 

I know I wont follow through with these bad thoughts but they are constantly there in my mind. I think about her constantly, her doing better without me, her meeting someone in the future, her doing all the things we used to do with someone else. I know I messed up big time and I've changed because of the lesson, but I just wish it didn't have to be learnt through losing her.

 

I don't know if I have the strength to continue or keep going, the strength to deal with this.

 

I've surrounded myself with friends but I still think about her all the time. Every time I try something new, it's a constant reminder of her, "I wonder how much better it would be if she was here with me."

 

Please I already know I messed up and am in depression, so please don't kick me when I'm down, help me get through this. I just need to know that it will get better, life will move on.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your angst over the breakup is no longer her problem. See a doctor and a therapist. And stay no contact, stay busy and work on self improvement with regard to drinking, impulsiveness, cheating and boundaries.

[happyfrank]

Stop thinking about the past. It's over and done with. Focus on the things you like doing. Once your ready. Start dating again. The most in person to love is yourself. Never forget that.

 

Good luck to you.

[Alias26]

That's exactly what I tell myself, but it goes nowhere. We used to talk literally 24/7 and now I have so much time by myself that it's unbearable. I'm sorry, I know I caused this situation and I'm to blame, but I'm also human, and made a mistake. I still feel, still feel the pain she is feeling along with my own.

[Tombo7891]

Stay strong brother! You're fresh out of the gate and the pain if great, I felt all of those things when my ex broke up with me 4 months ago. As hard as it is just focus on yourself. I personally didn't cheat, but I would have thoughts of things I could have done differently. However all we can do now is use it as a lesson for the future. You will find love again! although it doesn't feel like it right now, and these lessons that you're going to learn from this split will make you a better man in the future.

 

I still have my down times and miss my ex like crazy, she was drop dead gorgeous and exactly what I was always looking for. But she doesn't want to be with me. I respect myself enough now to realize this, and continue on with MY life, just like you will.

 

Everybody has their peaks and valleys in life, this in one of your valleys. But its a lesson that will help you transition into a peak. Don't force anything, you're going to feel terrible, just embrace it. If you have the chance get out and do things to improve yourself, you may not be int he best state of mind but when you look back you won;t remember your mind set. You'll just remember getting out and having fun. Get closer to family, to friends things you've been putting off.

 

Keep your head up my pal, you know what you did wrong and there is no changing the past. Accept the consciences and be the man you know who you really are. Time moves on and you'll be amazed how it will help you out.

[coolgirl]

Oh, with where to start. LOL. I was dating someone that has a narcissist behavior. And I really fell for him. We only dated for 3 weeks. My weakness in all this is I get too attached easily. I fell so hard for him that I was experiencing the same thing you were. With the panic attack, anxiety attack you name it I had it. And I kept telling myself what did I do wrong to be treated this way, why this why that. I beat myself up over and over and over it for a couple of weeks. So I called my therapist she said I think you coming over to group therapy you can really benefit from it. And I did go actually. It helped me to see what others are dealing with and along the way I made a good friend. We don't talk everyday once in a blue moon but we keep in touch on daily basis. So I do suggest you to go to group therapy and just to listen to what others are saying and eventually you will open up too. I didn't at first but it was nice to be there and to listen to what others were saying so do take a look into it. I had suicidal intentions but not to a point where I kill myself for someone. So I understand with what your saying because I was in the same boat you were. Were all human and you made a mistake. So learn from it. I know its going to take time and it will for sometime but on the other side help yourself a little bit too. Be around good supportive friends or family keep busy. Do something to keep your mind off of this. And if you think you need medication to help you get through this than that's not a bad idea either so take a look into that too. hope this helps a bit

[Alias26]

Thanks Tombo7891 for this. I needed to hear it, I know myself and keep telling myself that the best you can go is learn from your mistake, control your drinking, thinking before acting, don't cheat on anyone ever again, and all I can do is hope for the best. I know eventually I'll be in a better place, eventually everything will workout a short it is suppose to, but until then, the road is difficult.

 

One of the main reasons we had issues was my drinking. I would never drink alone, but I would always binge drink at parties and become a completely different person. That is the reason my relationship has many problems, nothing on her part. She was sweet and kind and gentle enough to put up with it for as long as she had. She would cry herself to sleep, and the next morning I would wake up and apologize for everything, but then it would happen again.

 

I'm not a bad person, it's just that I become a completely different person when I get drunk. Sober, I am an amazing boyfriend, drunk, I am the worst.

 

This is what's tearing me apart, if I had just learned the lesson I learned have learned now earlier, I wouldn't be in this situation and would have made the relationship better for the both of us.

 

I am disgusted with myself. She is an amazing person, she has forgiven me and tells me I need to forgive myself.

 

It's hard to move on when you ruined something beautiful and didn't treat such an amazing woman the way she deserved to be treated.

 

I know in my future relationships I will never be like this again because this was such a big push.

 

I want her to be happy, I just wish I was the source of her happiness.

[Bob2526]

Stay strong brother! You're fresh out of the gate and the pain if great, I felt all of those things when my ex broke up with me 4 months ago. As hard as it is just focus on yourself. I personally didn't cheat, but I would have thoughts of things I could have done differently. However all we can do now is use it as a lesson for the future. You will find love again! although it doesn't feel like it right now, and these lessons that you're going to learn from this split will make you a better man in the future.

 

I still have my down times and miss my ex like crazy, she was drop dead gorgeous and exactly what I was always looking for. But she doesn't want to be with me. I respect myself enough now to realize this, and continue on with MY life, just like you will.

 

Everybody has their peaks and valleys in life, this in one of your valleys. But its a lesson that will help you transition into a peak. Don't force anything, you're going to feel terrible, just embrace it. If you have the chance get out and do things to improve yourself, you may not be int he best state of mind but when you look back you won;t remember your mind set. You'll just remember getting out and having fun. Get closer to family, to friends things you've been putting off.

 

Keep your head up my pal, you know what you did wrong and there is no changing the past. Accept the consciences and be the man you know who you really are. Time moves on and you'll be amazed how it will help you out.

 

Well said. It's been three months since my break up and lost like this encourage me to continue what I've been doing. My days have gotten better and easier and she's not on my mind as often as she was before. My ex has moved on and dating again and that was somewhat a relief to help me let go. I still think of her sometimes and maybe I will for the rest of my life but who knows.

 

I remember the pain, depression, lack of appetite and sleep, depair and hopelessness etc. you just have to go through it and embrace it. Accept it. The suffering will ease with time and memories will fade. You'll get better. I never thought I'd be where I am today. Still not fully over her, but I am starting to feel like myself before I ever I met her. I've also learned from the mistakes I've made and it's made me a better person. You'll make it through this. Be strong.

[surfdiva]

Hi Alias,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Everything you describe sounds completely normal with a breakup. Unfortunately, there's no magic button to make the pain go away. Hopefully, it will get easier with each day.

 

I'm not going to beat you up for the cheating, it sounds like you've done enough of that yourself. I guess I'd ask the reason why you cheated? Your GF sounds like a great person, was the affair purely physical and maybe something you felt was missing with your GF? In order to heal, I'd look internally at what made you go outside of your relationship so that you don't make the same mistake with a future partner.

 

Like others have said, try to get out and be with friends, start something new, running, hiking...something that will be a physical release for you.

[Alias26]

Thanks everyone! I am trying to take everyone's advice and go NC, but it is extremely hard after talking to her 24/7 to going NC. I know it will be better for me in the long run, so I'm going to start now. I still have this false hope that if I give her enough time and space, she'll eventually realize she misses me and come back. But I don't think it will happen, but the hope is strong and won't go away. I know I need to just think about my own happiness, but it is extremely hard. Thank you everyone for the advice and if anyone has more, feel free to share and help!