Am I being insecure?

[Inspiteofdoubt]

This is the first time I've reached out for advice online, well in this format ... googling my dilemma was a foolish attempt I made. My partner of one year has a close female friend. He has spent and continues to spend a good amount of time with her family. Absolutely lovely parents and his female friend is as a result lovely also. My concern is my partners female friend has two younger sisters; 18 and 16 years. The 16 year old sister is in constant communication with my partner via fb, messenger, text and phone. She in my opinion flirts with him, my only evidence is instinct and observation on my visits to the household with him. I am very concerned that it is not normal for a 16 year old and a 26 year old to be so "close". I know at 16 my parents would have discouraged, squashed and forbid this behaviour. My partner thinks it's completely normal. Completely innocent. I am so uncomfortable with this. Is it reasonable to request he stop communications (messenger, texting and phone calls) outside of her family home, when he is visiting?

[j.man]

This is the first time I've reached out for advice online, well in this format ... googling my dilemma was a foolish attempt I made. My partner of one year has a close female friend. He has spent and continues to spend a good amount of time with her family. Absolutely lovely parents and his female friend is as a result lovely also. My concern is my partners female friend has two younger sisters; 18 and 16 years. The 16 year old sister is in constant communication with my partner via fb, messenger, text and phone. She in my opinion flirts with him, my only evidence is instinct and observation on my visits to the household with him. I am very concerned that it is not normal for a 16 year old and a 26 year old to be so "close". I know at 16 my parents would have discouraged, squashed and forbid this behaviour. My partner thinks it's completely normal. Completely innocent. I am so uncomfortable with this. Is it reasonable to request he stop communications (messenger, texting and phone calls) outside of her family home, when he is visiting?

No.

 

There's not much we can do with "in my opinion" or "your instincts." Some examples would be great.

 

I've got a "surrogate family" of sorts back from my days living on the West Coast. Granted, my ticket into the family was a male friend and not a female, but there were younger girls in the family I eventually got on with like they were younger cousins / sisters. I'm considered the "4th [family name] brother" by the extended family and I nor anyone else thought anything of it. I wouldn't be fine with it if a woman I was dating got insecure over it.

 

But, again, a lot rides on what exactly you think is flirting and, most importantly, how he's responding to it. Also, I'd say it matters how long he's been friends with this woman and effectively been part of this family.

 

Have you been included at all in any gatherings with his friend and her family?

[Wiseman2]

Agree it's important to have better boundaries. Little sister may have a teenage crush, but he should not be responding to/ encouraging that. However acting jealous or on a moral high horse will bring a defensive response.

 

No, a 26 y/o man should not be sending anything flirty, in fact she should be communicating with her teen friends and your bf needs to establish this.

 

You can't tell him what to do particularly since you've brought up this concern. Just observe this and consider his overall maturity if he needs teenagers crushing on him.

My concern is my partners female friend has two younger sisters; 18 and 16 years. The 16 year old sister is in constant communication with my partner via fb, messenger, text and phone. My partner thinks it's completely normal. Completely innocent

[happyfrank]

I think your being insecure and showing that you don't trust your boyfriend.

 

He could see that 16 year old as a baby sister especially if he knows her for years.

[rmo22]

I think your being insecure and showing that you don't trust your boyfriend.

 

He could see that 16 year old as a baby sister especially if he knows her for years.

 

I disagree. I think a "flirtatious" friendship between a 26 year old and a 16 year old is highly inappropriate. He's walking a fine line if he's flirting back. If something could be interpreted as sexual for example, it would be all too easy for him to end up in jail. Law enforcement doesn't take this sort of thing lightly. That being said, I think if he is encouraging the teen to have feelings for him, he's the one dealing with insecurity. Not the OP. Adults should only form friendships and relationships with other adults. Period.

[ParisPaulette]

I would calmly talk to him about and point out that it appears to be a flirtation and it's making you uneasy that something inappropriate could be misconstrued and that he needs to really ask himself if he's giving this teenager a wrong idea or others possibly. Do this calmly and logically.

 

Plus, I'd just be weirded out by him being that close to an ex and their family. This isn't a guy who is done with that relationship. I mean, my husband is friends with an ex, but she's married and actually sees me now more often than him. He does not hang out with her or her family nonstop, there are boundaries in place and were before I even came along.

 

I cannot imagine why a 26-year-old needs constant contact with a 16-year-old and I would say that even if the genders were reversed. Advice, sure. But that's a once in a while thing. If he's interrupting activities with you to talk to her or it's every hour on the hour or every day I would excuse myself before the ship hits the reef, so to speak. It's just not appropriate. Siblings are a different thing, but in today's world all a teacher has to do is see her phone, if they're flirting back and forth, find out he's 26 and all manner of Hades could be visited down upon him.

 

My parents wouldn't have allowed it either.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This whole thing a may just be a red flag within a larger red flag.

I'd just be weirded out by him being that close to an ex and their family. This isn't a guy who is done with that relationship.

 

]

[Bunney]

Just to point out to the other posters... the OP never said that the close female friend is an ex of his.

 

OP, have you ever seen/ heard any of their convos? What do they talk/text about? Does he initate it all the time or does she? If she is the one reaching out all the time, he may just be polite by replying to her. If he initiates a lot of their contact, I'd think that was a bit weird...

 

How is he with you otherwise? ever given you a reason to doubt him?

 

I'll admit I would not feel comfortable either if my bf was CONSTANTLY communicating with another female, but then again... that wouldn't even occur to him, no matter how platonic the friendship may be. Your bf might have a boundary problem, I'd definitely raise the subject in a calm and non-accusative manner.

[Inspiteofdoubt]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm trying to approach this with self awareness I am human and of course have insecurities, I'm trying to balance; is this an issue I have or an issue in general.

 

My partner initiates conversation as much as the 16year old girl. He has known her for maybe 4 years, so I understand people may perceive that it's a surrogate family situation. I can only say my life experience with friends and family has been completely different and that it's not a behaviour I would enter into.

 

When in person the teenage girl is flirty in the respect that she is touching his arm or sitting closely beside him as I would shoulder to shoulder, kneee to knee. He is the sole focus of her attention when I've visited her family with my partner. She is giggly with him and has resting face the moment she sees me.

 

I obviously can not confront this teenage girl without offending her family and my partner. So I may bring it up with him that I think she could have a crush.

[j.man]

Sitting shoulder to shoulder is flirtatious?

[rmo22]

Sitting shoulder to shoulder is flirtatious?

 

Yes. Touching his arm, sitting close enough to him that their knees and shoulders are touching is inappropriate behavior between a young female teen and a grown adult man who are unrelated. This, coupled with the actual flirting makes it worse. There isn't any good reason why this should be happening. And the texting, phone calls and Facebook messages? This is all wrong.