jessicalu Posted March 11, 2017 Share Posted March 11, 2017 This is my first post, I really felt the urge to tell what I have been going through, because I am aware of my problem, but unfortunately can't afford myself a therapist. The history of my snooping dates back from my previous relationship; after 9 wonderful, happy months of dating, one day I tried opening my fb page from his laptop (while he was at work) and because he hadn't logged out, I practically entered his fb. Until that moment I have never ever snooped on his phone, fb, emails, laptop, etc., because I was happily in love, I trusted him, I didn't suspect anything... But when his fb opened, it was this little devil standing on my shoulder that whispered open the message inbox and without hesitation I opened it. I was schocked - there were messages from different girls, with one of them he was talking about skype call and how she didn't send him hugs that night... I was grossed, my world crashed, I felt disappointed and betrayed... I didn't have the strength to keep on reading other messages because I felt very sick. I confronted him and he said that he was just having fun and there was nothing serious with those girls, just online fling... long story short I am not longer with him, I forgave him back then, but afterwards his fling with those girls continued and my addiction of snooping got worse, so we quit. As for now, I am in a relationship (2yrs) with a guy 5 years younger than me, he is very loving and he respects me a lot, he cares for me as noone ever did, he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I still live with this little devil on my shoulder, who is constantly there, even wakes me up in the middle of the night and forces me to get up and snoop on my bf phone. How sick is that? I get shivers and my heart beats so fast as I run through the whatsapp msg, viber, fb, instagram, photo gallery, phone logs...you name it... then when I don't find anything I can feel this calming sensation and I go back to bed and hug him. Sometimes I find things, for example pictures of sexy, provocative girls that they send in the group of his friends, but I know most of the guys do that and I don't worry so much. The thing is in a month he is going on this bachelor's party (his brother is getting married) and they have this group on viber where they make plans for the trip. Well, you can guess, I have been reading most of the messages and though I haven't found any indecent comment from my bf, I read a msg from his brother saying that my bf would choose to be with any girl, except of jesscia (that is also my name) and that jessica will be the prettiest of all of them. There were no previous messages to this one, I guess my bf deleted the chat, maybe of fear that I might see it, and now I am left with all these scenarios in my head, surely he is talking about escort girls or I don't know... after his message there was no comment from my bf and since then I haven't open the chat. I feel really bad, first because I am addicted of snooping, second my low self esteem + the devil on my shoulder make me come up with the worst case scenarios, I can't sleep at night, all the time I think of that message and the fact that there would be escort girls... After I read the message I haven't even got near my bf phone, because I am afraid of finding out more information about the bachelor's party. I had conversation with my bf, just told him that I am afraid that he will cheat on me on the bachelor's party and he hugged me and told me that I was being silly, that no matter what he wouldn't ever think of hurting me. I know I have major problem, and I know that if I tell him that I have been constantly snooping on his phone he will be very hurt, and he will forever loose his trust in me... I just don't know how to continue this relationship. I feel like I need to go to CTB counseling, but currently I cannot afford it. Please, I need to hear your honest opinions and judgments. Link to comment
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