I don't understand what he wants with me...

[Aceplicit]

Hi everyone.

 

This is going to be very long and I'm sorry. I'm just very confused and didn't want to let any details out.

 

So, there is a guy, I met him in June. I'm a member of a little website, its main purpose is to meet people for friendship or love. With the admin, who is a friend, we put together meet-ups IRL regularly.

 

That's how I met this guy, he came to one of our meet-ups. I had never talked to him before but ended up having a long conversation with him. We talked about everything and nothing, he was really nice and interesting. Later, we played a game while sitting in a circle with the others, he kept glancing at me (every time I looked at him, he was looking at me or ended up doing so). He would smile or joke.

At the end, I was walking alone to the subway while everyone else was in a little group and he came to talk to me again. We took the subway together and talked until I had to get out.

At this moment in time, I was interested in someone else so I didn't try to stay in contact with him on the website. And he didn't either (he doesn't come very often and had a problem with his account).

 

He came again to our meet-up in November. He lives in the north of the country, it's a one hour ride by train, that's why he doesn't come often. When he saw me, he looked happy and smiled but we didn't get to talk until we got to a bar. Luckily for me, a seat was available next to him and we spent a lot of time talking and joking. He remembered stuff I had said back in June that I didn't even remembered talking about.

I had to leave early but decided to send him a message on the website to keep in touch (he told me his account was working again). I wrote to him the following day, a little message to ask how was the meet-up since I planned it. Harmless. He replied the next day.

 

That's how we started messaging back and forth. And every time, the messages would become longer and longer. That being said, he wasn't very regular in his replies. Sometimes I would wait a few days. Also, I told him after like 3 messages, in the conversation, that I was looking for someone. He didn't comment on it and said nothing about what he was looking for. On his profile, it said that he was looking for friendship but he added "but more if we hit it off."

 

One day, he told me about something and said "If you don't know about it, go read what it is on Wikipedia and if it doesn't make you laugh, I'll buy your lemonade next time we see each other"

Since we had planned another meet up for December and this thing didn't make me laugh, I told him that I was waiting for him at our next meet-up to get my lemonade. He told me he wasn't sure he could come but that he would keep me posted. Later on, I told him about something my mom did, saying that she was awesome and he told me that she had made me and that it was a really good point in her favor. I was surprised that he would pay me such a compliment.

 

On the day of the meet-up, I still wasn't sure if he was coming. I asked another member who was friend with him and he didn't know either so he tried calling him and left a message. We carried on with our program for the day and the friend realized that his phone wasn't getting any service. Mine was, so he gave me my guy's phone number. I texted him, telling him about the service problem and that we wanted to know if he was coming. He replied 45 minutes later, telling me that he was sorry, he couldn't come and had wanted to tell me before but wasn't able to. He also told me that he was getting his credit card ready for next time for my lemonade.

 

After that, I knew he was going on vacation and I didn't get any reply to my messages on the website. The day after Christmas, he texted me. I was really surprised, I myself wasn't planning on texting him since he hadn't given me his phone number willingly. He wished me happy holidays and told me that he would be back on the website in early January. I replied something nice with a little joke and well… we started talking via text. It lasted 3 days and then nothing, he stopped replying.

 

He reappeared in January, via text again. He wished me a happy new year and told me he had a problem with his phone and had to buy a new one. We continued talking via text, as usual he wasn't very good at replying quickly, but our texts got longer and longer too.

 

The friend who gave me his number had organised a meet up (I wasn't involved this time) and had invited me. I saw that my guy was coming on the doodle so I said yes. My guy never talked to me about it and I didn't either. On the day, when I arrived, he was already there. I came with a group of people and I was the last one in line to greet him. He hadn't seen me come in and when he saw me, he didn't say "Hi" like he did with the others before me, he looked very surprised and said "Ah sh*t." I was super offended but tried not to show it too much. I just mumbled something along the lines of "Like, oh no, not her ?" and he just replied that he didn't know I was coming. Since I wasn't feeling really welcomed and my only reason for coming was to see him (not that he knew that), I decided that I would avoid him all night and see what he would do.

Well, first, he took a seat next to me. We talked with everyone but ended up talking together and joking around. He showed me his new phone too. More people started to arrive so we got a bit separated. At the end, while everyone was paying for our respective drinks, he asked if I wanted him to pay for mine. I had already paid so I told him it was ok (I'm so stupid like that).

We all got out of the bar to go to a restaurant. I was walking alone and he came talking to me. We talked some more on the subway. We got separated again but he went back to talk to me in the street just before the restaurant. We were still talking when we got there so we ended up seating next to each other and spent almost all evening talking together. He joked and teased me a lot (I did too, but mostly him)(It looked a lot like flirting).

At one point, the friend joined our conversation when I was saying that I've never been to the city my guy lives in. He told me that he was planning to go there at the end of the month for a week-end with 2 more members and that a seat was available in the car. My guy added that a bed was available in the room too.

We also talked about the fact that my guy had lived in my city for a few months at one point, that he had found great restaurants but they had all closed. He wanted to find new ones, so I jumped to the occasion and told him that I could take him whenever he wanted. He made an agreeing gesture but lowered his head like a was embarrassed.

After the restaurant, we all went back to the subway and yet again, he came to talk to me, on the subway too until he had to get off.

 

He told me that he would reply to my last text the next day but he didn't. He replied 4 days later. At the end, he told me that it was "pleasant last Saturday." I told him that yes, it was, even though he kept teasing me. He said that it was the clown living in his head and that he would be more careful next time. I told him that it was ok, that he should be himself (I would get revenge), as long as he didn't tell me "ah sh*t" again upon seeing me. He promised to say something else but never explained why he said that in the first place.

 

The next week-end, I saw some friends from the website and one of them asked me to go out with him as part of a joke. I texted my guy saying that we had fun, we ate fries, had beers and someone asked me to go out with him. At first, he just replied that it sounded like we had fun but a few texts later, he came back to the subject by saying that someone had made advances at me with fries and that he, himself, liked being hit on by someone with cheese stuck to their face. It was obviously a joke but I told him that it was good to know. He replied "Don't tell my secret to everyone." I decided to go for it and told him "Don't worry, I plan on using this weak point for myself so I'm not going to tell my rivals." It got me a weak "Madame likes monopolies." I didn't back off and replied that, that way I got more chances and he just replied that nothing had to do with chance, it was all "work, work, work." I replied something like "ugh, work again ? But thanks for the tip !" And he said "you're welcome, my pleasure." And that was that. But I think I was pretty forward about my intentions with him.

 

We kept talking via texts for a few days, with him sometimes taking a few days to reply. Our texts had gotten pretty long by then, we would talk about a lot of different things. He briefly told me that he was going to be on vacation again. On a whim, I asked him if he was available the week-end before that because I was planning a party for my birthday. He replied that he would lock his Saturday if he was invited and asked if someone could let him stay for the night. I told him that it was an invitation and that he could stay on my couch. He told me that he would be there.

 

True to his word, he came and he even brought me a present, a local specialty I previously told him I've never tasted and wanted to. The party was great even though I was nervous since he was there and it was the first time I had so many people at home. I got a bit drunk but not too much (I didn't do or say anything stupid). My best friend got to talk to him, especially about the trip he and the friend had talk to me about back at the last meet-up. For me, the invitation wasn't clear and since neither one of them talked to me about it again, I assumed that I wasn't really invited. My guy told my best friend that I was invited. She told him that I can be very clueless sometimes, people need to be very forward with me for me to understand this kind of stuff. So… Yeay for my stupidity…

Also, the friend had told me that the night they arrived, my guy teased him about his crappy texts and said that mine were better. He even showed him from afar. He looked proud/happy.

 

Everyone left at some point and I made his bed on my couch (he helped. In fact, he helped all evening in the kitchen and cleaning up). We talked a bit, I made sure he was comfortable and let him sleep and I got to bed.

I woke up the next morning feeling a bit sick (too much to drink…). I went to the kitchen to make myself breakfast and he joined me pretty quickly. We talked and talked and talked. He even talked to me again about the trip to his city that I had missed due to my daftness.

I finished the cleaning up with his help, and we talked some more. We basically spent all morning together talking about everything and nothing. He told me stuff about himself I didn't know. It was really nice. He left after lunch to take his train back. I didn't dare do anything to take our relationship to the next level and he didn't either. I was a bit disappointed but not surprised. He is a very friendly guy, I know he really likes meeting new people, making friends, but he is not much for dating. I mean, he dated women before since he briefly mentioned an ex. But he is comfortable being single, he is very independent, doesn't want to be tied down. Which is fine with me since I'm exactly the same. I would be fine with seeing him occasionally, kinda like friends with a plus. This is what I'm looking for (and that's why I have so much trouble finding someone that wants the same thing, the other guys I meet want to get married and have children, I don't). I also think he had his heart broken in his last relationship but I'm not sure.

 

I texted him a few hours later to tell him that his gift was super good and I loved it and to ask him if he got home ok. 2 days and 2 texts later, he finally told me "I was very happy to be with you in the quiet of a Sunday morning." I couldn't believe my eyes. I told him that I was very happy too, that it was a perfect Sunday morning and that we could do it again whenever he wanted. He told me "With pleasure But in the spring because I just made a big purchase and I need to be careful for a while."

Well, I was disappointed but told him that in this case, I could be the one coming to see him. He told me that he could welcome me but he couldn't do it at his home right now. And he suggested we rent an airbnb just like he did with the friend in January. He even suggested we could do that when he had some vacation if I had some too, so we could have more time. I told him I was ok with it and asked him when he was available.

 

His vacations started and he just disappeared. I had no news for 6 days. I decided to revive the conversation a bit by sending him a text saying that I was thinking of him because I was on my way to "drink tea" with a guy with the same name as him. In reality, I was on my way to an interview for a tea company. He didn't reply. I only had a reply 3 days later. He told me he was out of the country and his international plan wasn't working. I replied with a joke and he texted back again the next day, this time with the reply to my text from the week before. I replied (making a big innuendo) but got nothing back again for 8 days. Since I had had news from my interview, I decided to text him to tell the good news that I was hired (he had no idea it was an interview, he never asked what that "drinking tea" meant so I didn't say). He replied a few hours later, asked me what I was going to do at work, and told me a bit about what he was doing. We started texting again and he even replied to my long text with the innuendo (he didn't acknowledge it…). He told me that we could probably meet in April without really specifying when, he asked me things like a normal conversation.

 

I'm really confused. I thought that his silence for so many days meant that he wasn't interested. But then he replies when I try to revive the conversation, he asks questions… If he didn't want to talk to me again, why ask questions ?

 

I have no idea if he is interested in me for more than friendship. We never talked about exactly what we are looking for. I dropped hints as much as I could that I wasn't one for big commitment, that I was very independent like him. On a forum, he wrote that it takes a lot of time for him to welcome someone in his intimacy. He also wrote that he wasn't going towards people in this search for intimacy, it was easier to wait for the other person to make the first move and react to it. He also wrote on a topic about male/female friendship that he never had to clarify and that if things got ambiguous, it was better to say that he isn't looking for the same thing.

 

So, I see 3 possibilities :

- He didn't understand that I want more with him (I think I made myself clear a couple of times but I know I can be daft about this sort of things, so why not ?)

- He got the message that I was interested but isn't and is just enjoying the attention (I'm having a bit of trouble with this theory, I just can't imagine that he could be like that. But I'm a pretty bad judge of character most of the time so…)

- He got the message but is waiting for me to make a move (and since I'm utterly confused, I'm not doing anything because I want to be sure before…)

 

What do you think ?

 

Thank you for reading, and for your help.

[annie24]

Welcome to ENA.

 

So, I'm confused just like you! I've been in your shoes before. My sense reading this (and maybe other members can pitch in their thoughts) - but I think he might be somewhat interested in you, but not enough to make a move. It could be that he doesn't want a long distance relationship, or he likes you as a friend, but you're not quite his "type." I wouldn't wait around for this guy. It doesn't sound like this relationship will get off the ground.

[Wiseman2]

All good theories. I would go with 1 or 2. Do you know if he has a gf back home?

So, I see 3 possibilities :

- He didn't understand that I want more with him

- He got the message that I was interested but isn't and is just enjoying the attention

- He got the message but is waiting for me to make a move

[JaggerJim]

Hi Rambo here, I think he really has no intention of pursuing anything romantically. He waits days and months to see you and talk to you. I think you should probably just start phasing him out. It's time for you to start meeting someone else. I think this guy is a waste of your time.

[Aceplicit]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one confused !

 

He said himself that he never makes the first move, so I think if I want to "get it off the ground", I should tell him what I want. But he sends me so many mixed signals, I'm not sure I'm ready to take the plunge.

[Aceplicit]

All good theories. I would go with 1 or 2. Do you know if he has a gf back home?

 

He is single, that I'm sure of. Has been for a while (many years)

 

Hi Rambo here, I think he really has no intention of pursuing anything romantically. He waits days and months to see you and talk to you. I think you should probably just start phasing him out. It's time for you to start meeting someone else. I think this guy is a waste of your time.

 

Yeah, I think you might be right...

[JaggerJim]

All good theories. I would go with 1 or 2. Do you know if he has a gf back home?

 

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone? Maybe this is why he goes days without communication.

[Aceplicit]

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone? Maybe this is why he goes days without communication.

 

I'm 100% sure he isn't seeing anyone. He really likes being single.

Also, he told me he had some autistic tendencies, and the friend told me he could be disorganized sometimes.

[annie24]

Maybe he just likes you as a friend?

[JaggerJim]

Ok. Well besides that, he goes for months not seeing you. I don't think that's healthy for you to just wait around for him in odd times when you may bump into him. He should just set you straight, but in the end, you don't need him to set you straight, you know that months will pass with no action from his end.

[Aceplicit]

Maybe he just likes you as a friend?

 

That's my best friend's theory. She thinks he only sees me as a friend for now. He is not there yet for more.

[Aceplicit]

Ok. Well besides that, he goes for months not seeing you. I don't think that's healthy for you to just wait around for him in odd times when you may bump into him. He should just set you straight, but in the end, you don't need him to set you straight, you know that months will pass with no action from his end.

 

You're right.

Although, he told a few people before that he was busy all March. I don't expect him to drop everything for me, since I wouldn't either.

[JaggerJim]

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but he hasn't gone out of his way once. Forget about him being busy ALL of March, that is irrelevant. He is living his life, and you have yours on hold.

[Aceplicit]

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but he hasn't gone out of his way once. Forget about him being busy ALL of March, that is irrelevant. He is living his life, and you have yours on hold.

 

No I don't, I'm making plans with friends in March and April. I'm not waiting around for him to tell me when he is available. If we can't find a date, well, too bad. I'm not going to drop everything. I'm just scratching my head.

 

And I don't really agree with you, he came to my birthday party even though I told him about it only a week before.

[JaggerJim]

No I don't, I'm making plans with friends in March and April. I'm not waiting around for him to tell me when he is available. If we can't find a date, well, too bad. I'm not going to drop everything. I'm just scratching my head.

 

And I don't really agree with you, he came to my birthday party even though I told him about it only a week before.

 

What are you scratching your head about?

[Wiseman2]

What are you scratching your head about?

]

[Aceplicit]

What are you scratching your head about?

 

Lice

 

No, his behavior with me. Sometimes I really feel like he could be interested and then not.

[ParisPaulette]

Whatever and why ever one thing is very clear from your post - he's not interested enough to make the effort a two-way street.

 

Really, this is all you need to know. Anything else is guess and pretend you don't see it, but if two people aren't making an equal effort to stay in touch and be together then it's very clear one of them isn't all that interested. But they may not turn down someone chasing them, I mean there are people who would let you chew their food for them if you offered, they're that lazy or just kind of "Oh, I suppose this will be cool, sometimes, maybe."

 

A lack of no, is not an indication to proceed full on ahead. Look at his actions. Do they sound like that of a person who wants a relationship and is highly interested in you? Birthday, big deal. Birthday parties are the best places to get free cake, see if there are any cute guys/gals in the area and drinks too. It's a free party, why wouldn't he come? But again, that doesn't signal strong interest in having anything with you.

 

It's time to pull back as in stop all contact, see if he then can return the flows and make an effort, but in the meantime go live your life and date other people. My guess is there are other guys out there who aren't such an effort to get any response from. The whole "I'm busy" excuse is just that. No one is that busy if they really want to have a relationship with you. No one.

[Matt3939]

Credit card for lemonade? Can't he check his couch for change?

[Aceplicit]

Whatever and why ever one thing is very clear from your post - he's not interested enough to make the effort a two-way street.

 

Really, this is all you need to know. Anything else is guess and pretend you don't see it, but if two people aren't making an equal effort to stay in touch and be together then it's very clear one of them isn't all that interested. But they may not turn down someone chasing them, I mean there are people who would let you chew their food for them if you offered, they're that lazy or just kind of "Oh, I suppose this will be cool, sometimes, maybe."

 

A lack of no, is not an indication to proceed full on ahead. Look at his actions. Do they sound like that of a person who wants a relationship and is highly interested in you? Birthday, big deal. Birthday parties are the best places to get free cake, see if there are any cute guys/gals in the area and drinks too. It's a free party, why wouldn't he come? But again, that doesn't signal strong interest in having anything with you.

 

It's time to pull back as in stop all contact, see if he then can return the flows and make an effort, but in the meantime go live your life and date other people. My guess is there are other guys out there who aren't such an effort to get any response from. The whole "I'm busy" excuse is just that. No one is that busy if they really want to have a relationship with you. No one.

 

You're right, I shouldn't be the one to do all the work and this long distance thing is not helping either. I don't think he is ready for more and I was probably reading too much into things.

I think I'm going to go back to my "forever alone and happy about it" vibe until someone else catches my eyes.

 

For the birthday party thing, it's a lot of trouble to pay for a train last minute just for free cake or free booze (and I asked everyone to come with the drinks, he did)(also, he asked the next morning if I wanted a little help to pay for the food, so I don't think he is a freeloader)

 

Credit card for lemonade? Can't he check his couch for change?

 

I use my card even for small amounts if I can.

 

 

 

Got a long text from him this morning. He told me he was exhausted from seeing so many people this month.

[Dahl]

He is living his life, and you have yours on hold.

 

I'm wholly in agreement with Jagger Jim. I think that you would best serve yourself by moving on, OP.

 

 

FWIW, I don't think that any of this reflects poorly on you and I hope you aren't / don't take this personally. Perhaps it's just a chemistry mismatch. I do think he likes you on a platonic basis.

 

Good luck.

[Aceplicit]

I'm wholly in agreement with Jagger Jim. I think that you would best serve yourself by moving on, OP.

 

 

FWIW, I don't think that any of this reflects poorly on you and I hope you aren't / don't take this personally. Perhaps it's just a chemistry mismatch. I do think he likes you on a platonic basis.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you, I think you are right, I'm going to let it go and stop hoping for something more with him. I knew from the start that it was a long shot but at least I tried