the whole FWB thing....

[lolitarae]

ok so I have this friend who is really cute and I like him. he asked me to have sex the other day, but I wouldn't do it because I was kind of afraid. I have never done the friends with benefits thing. All of my friends tell me that it so great and fun and that I'm missing out on a lot. but I don't trust this guy or myself I guess. I'm afraid I'm going to fall for him or get hurt or be jealous. I'm afraid that we won't be friends, and really I'm not sure that I feel close enough to him yet to have sex. Maybe I will later. I don't know what to do, when he saw how freaked out I was he was like oh my god i'm sorry, which was embarrassing and made me feel even more vulnerable because now he knows how it affected me. So I am wondering, does anybosy think I should try it? or what should i say to this dude, should I tell him how I feel? I kinda also feel like he was trying to use me, which is bad because he's my friend and I don't want to think like that, but that's how it feels, and I'm wondering, am I overreacting?

[Mun]

I don't think you are overreacting and as long as you don't feel comfortable doing it.. then don't do it. Whatever your friends tell you is their opinion... you go with YOUR feelings on this...not what your friends say is cool and fun. It may not be your thing.

 

I think it's offensive for him to even ask you to be a FWB, but that's just my opinion.

 

Stay safe out there.

[annie24]

Ditto to everything Muneca said. Only have sex with someone you feel comfortable with, and when the time feels right. don't force yourself to move too quickly.

 

That said, an ideal "FWB" is someone that you don't have feelings for. (The FWB isn't really my thing, but that's beside the point.) If you like him, but he only likes you as a bed buddy, like you said, sometime down the road, you'll get your feelings hurt. So, I think it's better not to get tangled up right now.

 

Yeah, don't worry about what your friends are doing. You just do your thing and stick to your gut feelings and your principles! good luck!!!

[DN]

I agree with Muneca (except for the offensive bit, if all your friends really are doing it, he may think it normal)

 

But you should never have sex until you know that you are ready for it. What other people do is their decision - you make your own choice and don't be pressured in any way to do what you are uncomfortable with.

[annie24]

Hmm... yeah... tons of people I know do the FWB thing... It's funny though - one of my friends, she started out with FWB with this one guy, and as they got to know each other, and spent more time with each other, they discovered that they had a lot in common, and then they started officially dating, and this weekend is their 1 year anniversary. How sweet!!!

 

Anyways... their story is pretty much the expection to the rule...

[DragonGirl724]

well i had a F w/ B for like 5-6months. and i wanted it to be strictly for booty, no feelings, none of that stuff...well he copped feelings, we talked it out, straightened things out & well, we needed to have yet another 'talk' after that b/c of his feelings...& just the other day i ended it all together. it was great for a long time but now it just seemed to get too complicated. its hard hanging out with someone & flirting w/ new people when your F w/ B is hangin around you...it limits your chances of meeting new single people.

 

if you ARE gonna go through with this (yes it has a LOT OF PERKS) id hope that this isnt your FIRST time having sex. i wouldnt suggest losing your virginity to a F w/ B.

 

and note to self: as youre aware, there is potential that feelings can come about. so just be on top of that, & make it 100000% clear with this guy that you 2 have to be honest with eachother & if issues have to be dealt with, they are gonna have to be laid out on the table & made VERY crystal clear.

 

you 2 need to set the rules now! our rules were; we are both single we can go about kiss people, meet people, carry on with our single carefree lives & we dont have to inform the other of any such events...BUT once a relationship goes SEXUAL (oral or penetration) with another person outside of your boy toy, you 2 NEED to tell the other...just for SAFETY reasons...STD's etc..

 

if you dont feel right with this guy then follow your gut & dont do anything with him.

 

before this guy i only slept with long term boyfriends, so its kinda fun to step out of the box & reap all the benefits of having a BF around w/o all the crap. its nice to call him up & be like "im coming over for a few huors, then im leaving." lol and im not one to 'sleep around' so it was good we shared a monogomous sexual 'relationship'..but, i really felt that it was time for it to come to an end.

 

warning: you might get bored & want to bail after the chase is over as well. you may be surprised how quickly the spark burns out. but hey, like annie 24's story this can go in either direction.

 

goodluck! have fun & be safe.

 

-DG724

[Jecto]

I understand your feelings, but they are unfounded, because it is impossible for this to be an overreaction. I mean, I can't really see a great friend who is just that and content with that wanting to do something that can ruin a friendship so easily, so, I think your reaction was totally understandable.

[justsweetgirl]

Sex without love can feel very empty after the fact. Be careful.

[lolitarae]

yes I agree, my friends all do this and he knows all my friends, so maybe he thinks I do it to. maybe he thinks it's no big deal, but when I have sex it's partly because I want to be close to somebody, don't guys ever feel that way? and I also agree, if he was worried about losing our friendship, then he wouldn't bring it up, that's what hurt me in the first place. Because he said that he thought I'd consider it because we have known each other for a long time (but we haven't been close for long). and I was thinking THAT'S WHY IT SCARES ME!.But I don't think he gets it. now we are just talking like before, like nothing happened, but i haven't seen him since. So I am still trying to figure out what to do. should I say something and explain, or just let it go? [/i]

[Jecto]

You should tell him how you feel. If you value this friendship, you have to try to preserve it, you know?

[dreamweaverdude]

YOu know on the surface the idea looks simple enough but how do you do the FWB thing and NOT FEEL USED?

[DragonGirl724]

because its a mutual understanding. its not like one is being taken advantage of over the other.

 

-DG724

[lolitarae]

I think I could do this, but I don't think I can with this person. I guess I love him as a friend. And I guess I'm hurt because I assume he doesn't feel the same way if he's trying this. He didn't say anything to reassure me that we would still be friends. I guess if there's good communication between two people they can do it, but we don't have that. He's the type of dude that doesn't show feelings. Also he told me he would take me out and he never did. So I am starting to not trust him already. I don't like the fact that I think he called me one night because he wanted sex. I can't proove that, but that's the way it seems. I asked him if that was true and he said no, we had plans, remember? yeah to go out and do something, not really the same thing as sitting around the apartment watching tv and trying to get sex. well anyway now I am just mad because it seems like men and women can't really be friends and things always get messed up because of sex.

[annie24]

hehehe... well, if you had a feeling like it was a "booty call" it probably was.

 

Don't take it so personally. He gave it a shot, but you said you're not down with it. That's good. I totally agree - if you like someone, it's not really casual anymore, now is it? That's not cool of him though - offering to take you out and then didn't.

 

I've been in sort of similar situations. Just go do your thing. Don't let him mistreat you. Like, if he suggests you come over to his place around later that night, just give him a confused look, like you have no idea what he's talking about. And then walk away.

 

definitely make it clear to him that if he wants to be your friend, he has to treat you respectfully and that you won't put up with his bad behavior.

[lolitarae]

your advice is very good. I know we have to talk, but that is the hardest part, you know, especially since time has passed.and i'm afraid he's going to get mad that I'm bringing up something embarrassing that he did. well I have talked to him only once since this happened, and we did't talk about it. he told me he was sorry that night, if he hurt me in anyway. and I should've said how I felt then, but it just didn't come out. now he's not calling, and I called him the one time, and I kinda think he should call me now...does anybdsy have any advice, how I can bring this up? anybody ever had to do this before?