She needs space and can't commit right now

[Jordan111]

Hey people,

 

I would really like to know how people think about this situation

 

I've been seeing this girl for the past few 2-3 months. We text all day and after work, we go out for dinner or dessert nearly every night. After about a month, i told her i really liked her and I wanted her to commit to a relationship. She was always hesitant from the outset. She told me she wasn't sure because it was moving too fast for her, the age gap She's 24 (13 years difference) and also I pretty much broke up with a girl to be with her which she had bad experience with. Anyway, during our time together I told her that I'm looking for someone to marry which sounds too full on in retrospect but i just wanted to let her know I'm not playing around - I wanted to see how things go with us rather than a fling. However, nothing really changed despite my feelings toward her and her undecidedness. It probably got better...we held hands, kissed, she stayed over acted like my girlfriend. She was really sweet, caring and thoughtful. She introduced me to her family.

 

Then happened.

 

I went away to the gold coast for the weekend and things were great just prior. I receive a text messaging while I was away and tells she can't commit right now. Of course, i was pretty upset/angry and for the next 24 hours I was said everything you could imagine I'd say to change her mind. I asked her if its someone else or whether she is not really into me which she denied. She said she cared and is really into me but there is a difference between liking someone and committing to them. She thinks if she does commit, it means she will be with me forever she's not ready and it would be too selfish for her to wait. So she needed space and time to think. She said she only wanted to be friends now which i stupidly agreed. Overall, I've been quite good - ever since she told me she wanted space i haven't contacted her and its been overly a week. I don't think I'm ever gonna contact her anymore until she reaches out for me which hurts a lot. She definitely knows now i feel. Im sill feeling really and confused.

 

Does needing space and time because she can't commit right now really mean its over and i should just move on?

 

Thanks

[SherrySher]

She is not in the same place as you, she is younger and wants to be carefree and explore, in all areas..you on the other hand are ready to settle down. She was very honest with you about all of this.

You are incompatible and want different things.

Yes, I think it's good now for you to accept this and move onto someone else who is in the same place as you and wants what you want, but it's not this girl.

[MissCanuck]

She's not The One, OP.

 

It sucks but it's good she was honest with you. She's not looking for the same things you are, and yes, it would be best for you to move on. She's trying to let you down gently but her message is pretty clear.

[Keyman]

Hey Dude,

I feel you and I've been there. I can understand the want to settle quickly beyond the getting to know each other phase and just get on with doing it, but for some it can take a lot more than just 2-3 months. But if she was hesitant from the beginning, and is still that way, I cannot see her changing anytime soon.

 

The best thing, as you have suggested, would be to walk away. It will be hard for you, as you obviously like the girl, but you need to give her some time to think over whether it's something she wants to do. As the previous poster has stated, she is young and wanting to get out there and enjoy life. Being tied down before 25 can be a huge decision.

 

Go date some other girls, slow the pace of your need to settle and just live a little.

[Smitty921]

I have to say that I respect her being honest with you. But from my experience (and this isn't advice, just my experience), anytime a girl says she needs space and time to think, it's over. They wouldn't need to think about it if they felt as strongly about you as you did for them. If you chase after her, she will run away. And if you just let it go, I can just about guarantee that she will start chasing after you. But then if you get back with her, most likely she will end up "needing space" again because then she will have obtained what she couldn't have, hence, the challenge is gone. The only way you could keep this girl is by you acting like you are the one who doesn't want to/is afraid to fully commit. If you want a relationship like that, where you are constantly having to play hard to get to keep them, then go for it. Otherwise (now here is the advice), I would say that you should walk away right this instant and not look back. My girlfriend of a year and a half walked out on me and said she needed space and time apart to work through negative feelings. But other than the last couple of months we were together, we both just about always knew we were it for each other. Naturally, I tried giving her space (even though she kept contacting me) and basically ended up letting her wean herself off of me. It was humiliating. Spare yourself that. Half a backbone. NEVER wait for a girl. NEVER let a girl think you will wait for her while she "decides" what she wants. If her feelings were strong enough, she wouldn't need to think about it so hard. Maybe way later down the road she will be in a place where she wants the same things and then you can have something totally new. Who knows what will happen in the future. But to spare yourself ending up looking like a chump and losing her respect and your own self respect, I would say to walk away now. Women don't respect men that will wait.

[Jibralta]

Does needing space and time because she can't commit right now really mean its over and i should just move on?

 

Yes, my bet is that's what it means. Sorry

[Person1001]

Hey people,

 

I would really like to know how people think about this situation

 

I've been seeing this girl for the past few 2-3 months. We text all day and after work, we go out for dinner or dessert nearly every night. After about a month, i told her i really liked her and I wanted her to commit to a relationship. She was always hesitant from the outset. She told me she wasn't sure because it was moving too fast for her, the age gap She's 24 (13 years difference) and also I pretty much broke up with a girl to be with her which she had bad experience with. Anyway, during our time together I told her that I'm looking for someone to marry which sounds too full on in retrospect but i just wanted to let her know I'm not playing around - I wanted to see how things go with us rather than a fling. However, nothing really changed despite my feelings toward her and her undecidedness. It probably got better...we held hands, kissed, she stayed over acted like my girlfriend. She was really sweet, caring and thoughtful. She introduced me to her family.

 

Then happened.

 

I went away to the gold coast for the weekend and things were great just prior. I receive a text messaging while I was away and tells she can't commit right now. Of course, i was pretty upset/angry and for the next 24 hours I was said everything you could imagine I'd say to change her mind. I asked her if its someone else or whether she is not really into me which she denied. She said she cared and is really into me but there is a difference between liking someone and committing to them. She thinks if she does commit, it means she will be with me forever she's not ready and it would be too selfish for her to wait. So she needed space and time to think. She said she only wanted to be friends now which i stupidly agreed. Overall, I've been quite good - ever since she told me she wanted space i haven't contacted her and its been overly a week. I don't think I'm ever gonna contact her anymore until she reaches out for me which hurts a lot. She definitely knows now i feel. Im sill feeling really and confused.

 

Does needing space and time because she can't commit right now really mean its over and i should just move on?

 

Thanks

 

Yes move on, when someone does that to you, it is very painful. I have had 2 guys do this to me and the reason why its so confusing is because these types of break up lines are total cop outs. When people say this, they don't look that bad by just breaking it off. My belief is, if you truly love someone, nothing will stop you from being w/them. Do not be friends, go complete NC. This will help you heal and make her think about what she lost. If she does come back(which happens very often), do not take her back because people who leave so easily will do that again in the future again. Live your life, date and find someone who will commit to you.

[Doc Blaze]

I give the girl credit. I mean she didn't come out and say it 100 percent but you can put the puzzle pieces together and come to your conclusion.

 

 

I know you don't want to hear this but its probably better now then later on when the relationship would of been more deep.

[electricorchid]

Wow, i went through the exact same experience very recently except I was you and my bf acts like the girl youre seeing.

 

They may verbally say theyre into you but just put your heart on hold for a second. Because to me, you have to like somebody ENOUGH to be in a relationship with them..

 

My advice to you: let her think but seriously be prepared for her to tell you shes not ready.

[Jordan111]

Hey everyone,

 

Thank you for all the thoughts and responses. I see that its generally pretty negative

 

Well, ever since she requested space and time, I've given it to her and have had zero contact. Its been 3 weeks now and I haven't her from her so I guess she really doesn't care. I have already decided I am not going to contact her because I also do not want to be with someone who's heart is not in it either. I'm not saying its not difficult. Its just disappointing that someone can be so cold and heartless and just forget about everything that was said and everything we shared so abruptly. I think women can be less sensitive compared to guys like that.

 

I can accept what she wants (everyone is saying she is just not into me) but I am still having trouble understanding it. She was always so kind and considerate when we were together. You can just tell when someone is into you. She would always reply to my messages ASAP and always be concerned what she looked like. She would always want to do things or go places that I would enjoy or would be more convenient for me. I don't think attraction was a problem and there was no other guy involved. I guess hearts change. Maybe I was too easy for her but I've learnt not to put too much pressure to on someone to commit to a relationship when they are not ready. I hope no one else makes that same mistake. Her sister told me that she was well aware that I spoilt her ridiculously.

 

Its tough to move on when your feelings were real and the situation is weird. Has any guy or girl being in her position before? Anyway, there is no point in spending too much energy in things you cant control!

 

Thanks!

[Jibralta]

Yes, I've been in her position numerous times, especially when I was younger. Nothing made me run faster than someone trying to tie me down when I didn't want to commit.

 

I'm sure I couldn't give you a very satisfying answer as to why I didn't want to commit. I think it just boils down to the fact that I wanted to go about my own business and didn't feel like compromising my freedom to satisfy someone else's priorities.

 

I think your girlfriend said it very well, right here:

 

She said she cared and is really into me but there is a difference between liking someone and committing to them. She thinks if she does commit, it means she will be with me forever she's not ready and it would be too selfish for her to wait.

 

What she says here does show some respect for you, believe it or not, because she could have just ghosted you. Two or three months isn't exactly a huge investment.

 

I think that this was actually a case of incompatibility at a point in time. You two get along great, but are at different points in your lives. She is just starting out, you are trying to settle down. You're taking it to heart because you see this as a rejection of yourself. But what she actually rejected was the commitment. You, unfortunately, are part of the commitment package, and are rejected along with it.

 

I also think that you did the right thing by telling her up-front that you were looking for marriage. Maybe you regret it now, but I think it saved you both a lot of future grief. And you know, she didn't run screaming immediately. She tried it out for a while. But she realized it wasn't for her right now, and did the right thing by ending it with you.

 

Sorry, dude.

[Jordan111]

Hey jibralta,

 

That's a very insightful, thoughtful and pretty accurate response, thank you!

 

You're absolutely right. Right girl but wrong timing! Relationships that generate this much stress and uncertainly isn't right