I don't know how to trust him anymore...

[sheisnotme]

I don't really expect much responses for a while since I literally just made this account, but I had been searching for SOMEWHERE to reach out, because I'm to the point of not having anyone to go to.

Me and my boyfriend started this relationships so strongly, and I can't tell when it went wrong, or why?

All I know is:

1. I can't trust him.

2. I have absolutely no self confidence anymore.

3. I need help and someone to guide me, and tell me what steps I need to take that way this relationships does not go down the drain (at least not any further).

 

Now, I have no proof that he has cheated... which is the problem, everything is deleted. I found messages from him and two girls we've previously had problems with before. One time I even found a to-go cup with one of the girls names on it, in his back seat.

He got in a wreck on Christmas eve last year and the trust issues got better, and honestly I know it was because he didn't have much of a way to go and due anymore. I hate that it made the relationship better, but it did. Well, now he has it back and he is constantly getting off work late. There's more, but I feel I just need some advice, rather than going into all the detail all at once.

 

Thanks..

[Someday_Soon]

Well, #1 on your list of three things is reason enough to end the relationship this minute. There is no future if there is no trust. #2 is an issue you need to fix with yourself. You need to learn respect the person you're looking at in the mirror regardless of what your significant other is, or is not doing. And hopefully I just addressed #3.

 

As a side note, relationships that start out too strongly can sometimes lead to decision making "hangover" because you have accepted certain beliefs about someone presuppositionally, that is, before you had the necessary evidence. And that evidence, whether positive or negative, can only come after spending months and months with a person so you can observe their behavior in different situations.

[sheisnotme]

One of the biggest issues that started all of this was the fact that we really were close friends before all of this began. So while we were just friends we were both with other people at the time, and told each other everything, from sex to arguments, about the relationships we were in. I just can't let go of some of the stuff he has told me about his past, which I know isn't fair, because I don't have the best past either, no one does.

[angrythoughts]

The only advice that would do you any good is to leave him. You don't trust him. You can try to work on your trust issues with him for the time being, but you have this feeling he's cheating on you.

[Someday_Soon]

If there are things in the present that are reminding you of the past, I don't think that's unfair at all. These are important decisions and as such the entirety of all available evidence must we considered. If you've got a laundry list of your own self improvement items, you can and should do that independently of making poor relationship decisions.

[sheisnotme]

Well as far as "self improvements" go.. he's really bad at making me feel horrible about having trouble changing my flaws, but makes no effort to fix himself for me AND still gets mad when he does something to hurt me and I react negatively towards his action(s).

[CrystalBNY]

Is this a relationship that you want to stay in? If so, why?

[Someday_Soon]

This almost sounds co dependent. I think you would be much better served being friends at a distance. There are personality quirks, there are flaws, and then there is outright immoral behavior.

[HeartGoesOn]

You're being extremely unfair to yourself by attempting to win a battle that you have no control over. I'm sure it's difficult to admit, but this is who he is, and your efforts to change him are making him lose even more respect for you, which is something you can control.

 

Keep in mind that trust is the glue that holds a relationship together, and he took that away, not you. Raise your standards, you're better than this.

[sheisnotme]

Is this a relationship that you want to stay in? If so, why?

 

Because we've been friends for so long and I don't want to give up on him. And honestly I just love him.

[MissCanuck]

Your relationship has already gone down the drain. You just haven't let go yet.

[nutbrownhare]

Because we've been friends for so long and I don't want to give up on him. And honestly I just love him.

 

Some guys are much better as platonic friends than they are as boyfriends. I used to live with (as in, share a house with) a guy who was a good friend, really supportive, funny, a real character. He had a number of female friends who he had that kind of relationship with. It was great.

 

I would never have taken it any further because he was so VILE to his girlfriends. He really couldn't cope with the intimacy, and the fear came out as anger. Sounds like your guy has stepped outside his comfort zone and is actually being very unpleasant.

 

My message to you is that just because someone's been a friend for a long time doesn't necessarily make them a good partner. Don't use a long friendship to excuse his nasty behaviour.

 

Also, just because you haven't been whiter-than-white in the past doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated badly. Don't let your guilt or shame from the past condemn you to a punitive future.

 

Look after yourself!