Confirming flight details to move in together to breaking up the next day.. what

[elliesays99]

My long distance bf and I had been dating for about 7 months. We have been planning on me moving to his province for about 3 months as I always said if we had no plans to be together i didn't want to be in a relationship. I never felt like I was forcing him into anything though, there was no time limit.. I just couldn't do long distance long term. I went to visit him at the end of January to celebrate my birthday and to finish planning the move out there, he has been so excited for me to final move and I had been ecstatic! My visit was going perfectly so far, we celebrate my birthday with him surprising me with breakfast in bed, presents and a beautiful dinner. The next day we had a silly little fight and the first thing he says was "if this is how it's going to be i don't want you to come here" mind you, this fight was not anything serious, and don't think i was being unreasonable. I've told him before that he can't say stuff or i'm really not coming.. so for next 2 days we didn't talk to sleep in the same beds. The last night I was there we finally talked, agreed that it was best we break up.. very civil, we hung out, talked for hours, cuddled and slept together which made leaving very hard for me. Things have been really complicated, at first we weren't talking much but now it seems like we're in a relationship again (we're not) and I feel super confused. We both love each other so much, and it's hard to cut someone off that I planned my foreseeable future with.. What should I do? Is NC the best option? I'm worried it will tear us apart and I'll lose him as my best friend for good

[milly007]

Have you discussed your confusion with him? Sounds like you need to establish the status of your relationship. He's probably just as confused as you. If you're going to work on being together, then work on that. If you both decide that the break-up is for the best, go no contact. Maintaining contact after a break-up is never a good idea. It only prolongs the heartache. You will heal and move on faster by not contacting each other.

[j.man]

What was the fight over? He's got a point if you guys can't have what should be a honeymoon stay together without having a "silly fight." Seven months is already extremely soon for you guys to be making such a big move. Did you have a job lined up? Were you going to be staying with him? How much in savings did you have to be able to pitch in equitably if you didn't have a job set?

[Billie28]

7 months is too early to move in with someone that you live around the corner from, nevermind your situation.

If you wanted to see if your relationship had any true substance , compatible in real life, longevity then you should have only planned on moving to the area, not in with him.

 

Best letting it go since you don't love each other but your online personas only.

Cracks started to show and he bailed. At least he is being sensible about it.

[lostlove76]

I'm so sorry, I know it's confusing and it hurts. The same thing happened to me, basically, with a lot of differences in details. I had a boyfriend who moved away and we then spent 6 months talking about me moving there and moving in with him. He kept saying he was sure he wanted me to come, but it dragged on and on until I gave him an ultimatum because I couldn't just keep living in limbo. He went from telling me that he was definitely coming to get me, to two nights later saying that he wasn't. I wasn't surprised, given that he'd dragged his feet for so long despite talking such big huge words, but it still hurt terribly. I stuck to my ultimatum and cut him off. He tried calling for a few weeks and then stopped, and we haven't spoken for 8 months.

 

I don't really know the solution, but I think that the cause is commitment fears. It's a huge step to move in together, and your guy probably got scared and found a reason to bail. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you're willing to be patient and put on hold indefinitely, or if you want to cut the cords and move on as much as it hurts. Being on hold does not feel good, let me tell you. I can't predict if your guy would eventually feel ready if you hang in there and remain patient. He may or he may not. Or he may let you come on out, and then have a freak out and want to break up once you're there because he wasn't ready. I don't foresee a good outcome to this no matter how it plays out, I'm sorry LDR's are hard, and rushing into moving in simply because of logistics probably won't work out too well if he's having commitment concerns.

 

Your options are:

1) Discuss it with him and try to get him to voice his hesitations, and then discuss it

2) Redefine yourselves as together with the plan of moving there, and wait until he's ready

3) Remain friends and hope he'll come around (I really don't recommend allowing yourself to be demoted to friend)

4) Tell him you can't do long distance and wish him the best. He'll either step it up and make it happen, or he won't. I hoped mine would step it up when I went NC, but he didn't.

 

I'd try #1 first. If that doesn't work, you have to decide between the other three options, none of which are too promising. I know it hurts and that it's disappointing. Guys need to quit making promises that they can't keep.

[elliesays99]

7 months is too early to move in with someone that you live around the corner from, nevermind your situation.

If you wanted to see if your relationship had any true substance , compatible in real life, longevity then you should have only planned on moving to the area, not in with him.

 

Best letting it go since you don't love each other but your online personas only.

Cracks started to show and he bailed. At least he is being sensible about it.

 

Get where you're coming from, and yeah it might have been too soon.. But it wasn't just an online relationship he use to live in my city, and we knew each other for months before we started dating.. and we've visited each other many many times. Everything has always been great up until now, we love each other very much and always got along. I respect his decision and am glad he told me how he was feeling, just a big mess now that's i'm trying to figure out now

[elliesays99]

I'm so sorry, I know it's confusing and it hurts. The same thing happened to me, basically, with a lot of differences in details. I had a boyfriend who moved away and we then spent 6 months talking about me moving there and moving in with him. He kept saying he was sure he wanted me to come, but it dragged on and on until I gave him an ultimatum because I couldn't just keep living in limbo. He went from telling me that he was definitely coming to get me, to two nights later saying that he wasn't. I wasn't surprised, given that he'd dragged his feet for so long despite talking such big huge words, but it still hurt terribly. I stuck to my ultimatum and cut him off. He tried calling for a few weeks and then stopped, and we haven't spoken for 8 months.

 

I don't really know the solution, but I think that the cause is commitment fears. It's a huge step to move in together, and your guy probably got scared and found a reason to bail. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you're willing to be patient and put on hold indefinitely, or if you want to cut the cords and move on as much as it hurts. Being on hold does not feel good, let me tell you. I can't predict if your guy would eventually feel ready if you hang in there and remain patient. He may or he may not. Or he may let you come on out, and then have a freak out and want to break up once you're there because he wasn't ready. I don't foresee a good outcome to this no matter how it plays out, I'm sorry LDR's are hard, and rushing into moving in simply because of logistics probably won't work out too well if he's having commitment concerns.

 

Your options are:

1) Discuss it with him and try to get him to voice his hesitations, and then discuss it

2) Redefine yourselves as together with the plan of moving there, and wait until he's ready

3) Remain friends and hope he'll come around (I really don't recommend allowing yourself to be demoted to friend)

4) Tell him you can't do long distance and wish him the best. He'll either step it up and make it happen, or he won't. I hoped mine would step it up when I went NC, but he didn't.

 

I'd try #1 first. If that doesn't work, you have to decide between the other three options, none of which are too promising. I know it hurts and that it's disappointing. Guys need to quit making promises that they can't keep.

 

Took a lot of courage to not answer his calls and go NC, good for you! I almost wish I could do that, but feel like i'm almost holding on to hope that in 6 months we'll both be ready and can work things out. I agree now is too soon, but don't really see myself with anyone else. But thank you, Ill try talking to him and see what happens xx

[MissCanuck]

I agree with the others, this moved far too quickly and he got cold feet.

[lostlove76]

Took a lot of courage to not answer his calls and go NC, good for you! I almost wish I could do that, but feel like i'm almost holding on to hope that in 6 months we'll both be ready and can work things out. I agree now is too soon, but don't really see myself with anyone else. But thank you, Ill try talking to him and see what happens xx

 

Thank you! It was extremely hard to cut him off, and I'm still not over him. But I couldn't live in limbo any longer. I hope things work out for you. Maybe set yourself a time period that you're willing to wait (whether you tell him this or not), and if it doesn't happen by then, you'll at least know that you gave things your best shot. Let us know what happens!

[Wiseman2]

7 mos of dating is way too soon to move in together. Slow down. That and ldrs make it harder to know someone on a day-to-day basis. Not talking or sleeping together for 2 wks while visiting is a red flag. What was the fight about?

 

Have you noticed incompatibilities? What was he so upset about?

 

That was no small fight if he said this:

"if this is how it's going to be i don't want you to come here"

[elliesays99]

7 mos of dating is way too soon to move in together. Slow down. That and ldrs make it harder to know someone on a day-to-day basis. Not talking or sleeping together for 2 wks while visiting is a red flag. What was the fight about?

 

Have you noticed incompatibilities? What was he so upset about?

 

That was no small fight if he said this

 

It was a small fight.. I was suppose to pick him up at a set time and ended up waiting 1.5 hours for him. Wasn't necessarily mad at him just irritated. The only issue we have is he can never admit when he's wrong, and I'm not the kind of girl who will let someone walk all over me, I think sometimes it scares him that i'm a such a strong woman, that why i think he said "i don't want you to come here" because i wouldn't give him the power in that situation I also think he did get cold feet it just makes no sense to me because i always gave him a safe place to discuss with me if he doesn't think it's right, I always told him I wouldn't be mad if he changed his mind.. so it's irritating that we broke up over it when we didn't have to.. and now we're in this hard spot of knowing it's not a good idea to live together but wanting so bad to be together.

 

Also disclaimer for everyone - this isn't the first time we met, we knew each other for months before he moved away and we've visited lots of time and this is the only time we've had an issue.

[j.man]

It was a small fight.. I was suppose to pick him up at a set time and ended up waiting 1.5 hours for him.

If he made you wait 1.5 hours for him, why wouldn't you be mad at him? Or was it out of his control and you pressed it anyway?

[elliesays99]

If he made you wait 1.5 hours for him, why wouldn't you be mad at him? Or was it out of his control and you pressed it anyway?

 

I wasn't mad at him because I know he didn't do it on purpose, I wasn't going to freak out on him I was just irritated, and no told me the wrong time to pick him up. I did get mad at how reacted though and things just got worse from there.