Trying to move on

[Sunflower22]

Just got out of an abusive relationship of four years.Getting close to three months out.I know I made the right decision as I was so worn and now going through the motions of it all.I was ok during the holiday months but now this month I am at my lowest in my life filled with so much pain,hurt,so numb.My ex abuser put me through so much.I gave him my all.He was the best person in the beginning and really believed all he told me on how much he loved me.He said within a month in that he wanted me to be his girl.And that we were soul mates..our auras were a perfect match?I thought that was weird.As if he could see it through the phone.We meet online and things moved so fast after the third month he asked me to marry him and wanted to move down with me where I lived.I had not been in a relationship for a long time was seperated and for many years just raising my kids.Then I go online and boom meet this guy and he made me feel so important and loved.Things started to go south fast.He started acting weird and controlling.Accused me off flirting and cheating on soc med.WE both had same soc media and followed each other.I had nothing to hide yet he would cheat on there and other soc media behind my back,as I came to find out later.He was very abusive verbally and when drunk or on drugs/heroine he would change his attitude and just not make sense and verbally abuse and accuse me of nothing I did wrong?I was right by him sent him money all the time loved him.He always told me he could see spirits and demons in his basement where he lived.He was in prison all his life and had just gotten out.Well he ended up back in Max prison 5 months in our relationship for assault with a weapon on a disabled elderly man for his money.Stayed with him throughout his sentence financially supported him wrote letters back and forth.When he got out he promised to change ans start a new life with me.I moved him in with me.Paid for everything and In return I get physically abused.tv busted with his fist,holes in walls,spit on me,urinated on my belongings.crapped"literally"on my bed sheets.Threw objects of sentimental value around and broke them.He made me get rid of my soc media yet come to find that he was entitled to keep all his.With many women on there.And he would have naked pics of them and he gave them naked pics of him and go on hangouts while I worked.He never worked.Now he is fleeing the law and is in the kkk and I left him because he cheated alot lied abused me in every way there is.Threatened my daughter as in rape suggested ways....daily.Now hi is with his friend and is officially in love with the girl he claimed was just his "cousin".I had that gut feeling and was right.So here I am hurting trying to heal and started counseling.But it really hurts because when he was nice and sweet things were good.But that was like maybe three days out of every month he would be like that.Then the horrible weird cycle would start all over.And now knowing he was cheating through our four year nightmare.Now he stopped doing drugs but still drinks and loves his new lifestyle with his new community fammily and his girlfriend all happy on soc media.Saw that and now blocking.Just cannot believe people can be this way.You give your heart and all to someone out of trust.And they kill you in return and laugh in your face and have another girl to break their fall.Last ai saw she posted a very angry worded post to him.It was like it was my words exactly when we fought.Yet I know she will fall for his love lies and charm and go back...so hurt and heartbroken.Need understanding advice from someone who has experienced this.Next counselor app is next Wed and don't know if I can hold out that long.Will their love last?Looking at her posts she is very open with men and shows naked pics of her to make my ex mad...I never acted like that and he treated me like crap?So he is literally living it up doing bad things and getting away from twenty to life as a habitual offender..and I am the one suffering for his mistakes/HELP!!!

[NatalieGon]

Omg. what a story!!!!

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. But listen, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm sure everyone will tell you this, so please try to understand it and trust it. This man was just an anomaly. He is not a healthy individual. The only question I have is why did you stay with him for so long?? You obviously have some issues of your own and you really need to focus on that. You need love yourself again!!!!!

 

Until your meeting on Wednesday, read about self-love and self-compassion. Try to practice it. Don't think about him!!! Ever again. No one deserves what you've been true. But you need to realize that yourself! There's a ton of free material out there.. If you want your daughter to grown up to be a healthy individual, it's really the time to start working on yourself. If you're not going to be able to love yourself, you won't have any love to give to her either.. I wish you the best of luck with everything, I hope that you'll manage to move on from this. You deserve better!

[Hollyj]

How in the world could you expose this monster to your daughter? It has been a long time that I have read a thread where the poster had such horrendous judgement.

 

There was nothing positive about this guy from the start.

 

Please! Do not date for a LONG time and get the necessary treatment.

 

What are you suffering from???? The mistakes were yours when you allowed him into your life. You're not a victim! Be smarter!

 

And why would you send money to men, especially someone you didn't know?

[Sunflower22]

Omg. what a story!!!!

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. But listen, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm sure everyone will tell you this, so please try to understand it and trust it. This man was just an anomaly. He is not a healthy individual. The only question I have is why did you stay with him for so long?? You obviously have some issues of your own and you really need to focus on that. You need love yourself again!!!!!

 

Until your meeting on Wednesday, read about self-love and self-compassion. Try to practice it. Don't think about him!!! Ever again. No one deserves what you've been true. But you need to realize that yourself! There's a ton of free material out there.. If you want your daughter to grown up to be a healthy individual, it's really the time to start working on yourself. If you're not going to be able to love yourself, you won't have any love to give to her either.. I wish you the best of luck with everything, I hope that you'll manage to move on from this. You deserve better!

 

Thank you for your reply.Your words truly speak to me and alleviates my pain.I guess I stayed for so long because I really believed he would change.He would apologize and cry and say sorry.And always said we belonged together.He would say we always have been together in other lifetimes.But again thank you.You really helped me.It really hurts bad though.

[Sunflower22]

He never meet my daughter.I moved in an apt with him.I started giving him money four months into the relationship.He did not work..still does not as he lives off disability.He always would hint that he was running low on cash and I felt obligated because I was his girlfriend.He knew I had a daughter but never did I let him meet her.I'm suffering from the hurt and the giving of my heart.Thank you for your reply.I don't send money to men.It was only to him,my ex.

[Hollyj]

He's a man. You sent him money. It is not your responsibility as a gf to support a bf, especially one you hadn't met. Why would you think that you are responsible for him financially? Your responsibility is only to your daughter.

 

With the abuse, leeching ways and criminal past, what made this guy attractive? He was accusing you of things before you even met, yet you thought he was a catch?

[Sunflower22]

I guess I was alone for so long that when he came into my life I got hooked.He doesn't have the looks but is very convincing with his charm and is a pro at manipulation.Just realizing.I guess being in prison he learned manipulation?But thank you,you helped me see him in a different light.The abuse,leeching ways,criminal past..plus to add to the mix he is in the kkk.With that background and doesn't work either...you are so right.He is not a catch...realized too late.So now I move on and let it go and pray for this new girlfriend/"cousin"of his.Thank you.

[Hollyj]

I strongly recommend therapy. It sounds like you have zero self worth. There is nothing redeeming about this man, and you need to understand why you would allow someone like this into your life..

[Matt3939]

Stop looking at his social media. The guy is a train wreck. Who cares if he's with someone else. It would only matter if it was a friend of yours. Be happy you are away from him.

[Fun Boater 1]

Sunflower, your story pains me to read. I'm currently dealing with an ex girlfriend who has had a string of abusive relationships with men who are like yours - manipulative, controlling, emotionally AND physically abusive...she's been repeatedly lied to, cheated on, stolen from, and generally beaten down self esteem wise over the years. And she's the sweetest, kindest, and pleasant girl I've ever dated. We had been friends for 3 years, not close friends, but had known each other. Last Spring we began dating in a very traditional normal and healthy way after she had finally broken away from her abusive boyfriend and actually obtained a restraining order from a judge. He had beaten on her, and had her arrested for a bogus "auto theft" charge because she had moved his car off her property...and he let her sit in jail for 3 days over it as well. That was the last straw for her and she was so happy to be "free" of him, yet was terrified of him because he broke into her house, vandalized some of her things, and she knew what he was capable of. Anyway, her and I had a great relationship. She treated me like the love of her life and we just kept getting closer and closer, was telling each other we loved each other...(we dated several times, about a month before sleeping together..so it wasn't a "rebound" situation either)....then November comes and she's filled with anxiety and depressed over some very serious job issues and her desire to maybe move out of state "after the first of the year"...I felt her pushing me away, we were going to talk things out and she said t hings would get better, but she instead of having that conversation between us she breaks up with via text message and pushed me away. This was just before Thanksgiving...after a couple of weeks we started texting and emailing again and she was givign me signals that we were most likely going to reconnect.....so I was hopeful...

 

Guess what? After the first of the year she reopened her door to this same abusive piece of excrement ex....and even though she won't admit it publically (she really can't due to the restraining order and the fact that all of her short list of friends and family members hate his guts and know what a bad guy he is. Yet she's letting him stay at her place, he is probably jobless, and they've already had a violent episode between them that put her in the ER (she thought she had broken her hand on his face when she punched him because they were fighting and he grabbed her. And who do you think she texted the next day for a ride to the ER? ME of course. The good guy, the guy she knows she can trust...etc... So I'm wondering if YOU have ever been in the position when you pushed a GOOD man who could offer you a HEALTHY and POSITIVE relationship, away and chose to return, or stick with, this abusive piece of trash? And if so what might have been going through your mind?

 

So I didn't mean to "hijack" this thread. It's your story. Just wanted to let you know mine in the hopes of getting some insight into your thought process of "why on earth would you go back to this guy"? Have you researched the "cycle of abuse", "trauma bonding", "negative comfort zone"??? Please do. You might learn some things about yourself that cause you to make these terrible choices.

Do you suffer from low self esteem and maybe not believe that you deserve a healthy relationship and to be treated well?

 

Get therapy and counseling and NEVER again have any contact with this loser. He's a horrible person and no da*n good for you and you know it!

[Sunflower22]

I'm sorry to hear that she went back to her abuser.I did that over and over again for four years.They manipulate and charm their way through.I kept thinking that he would change.He would abuse then say how sorry he was and cry and the whole song and dance bit.I am glad to say that I am in counseling and my religious belief is contributing greatly for my healing process.I have been 4 months free of my ex abuser and plan to keep it as so.I am at a place now where I can see clearly the reality of things and feel much better.Live and learn.If you speak to your ex again suggest counseling and no contact with her abuser.She will be better for it in the long run.It is not her fault,she just must really love this person and probably thinks he too will change.Which will more than likely not happen.It is hard to talk sense into someone who is in an abusive relationship as they are blinded to it and they only think of the good times with their abuser...which is hardly ever,yet they hang on to it and are numb to all the toxic abuse.If he is also a narcissistic abuser that alone is hard to break away from.It takes an average of 7 tries for an abused woman to leave their abuser.Please,if she will listen,suggest in a caring and understanding way that she get away and begin NO CONTACT from her abuser.The longer she remains,the dangerous it becomes for her.Tell her to look up all abuse and narcissistic and or psychopath abuse articles on internet or at library.The more she reads up on this and see's the signs for herself of what she is dealing with,she will start to come around.She is lucky to have you as someone who cares enough.Thank you for your reply and I hope things work out for you.You deserve love and are a wonderful and emotionally healthy person who is very much capable of giving it.God bless you and have a great week ahead.

[qwaspolk82]

He never meet my daughter.I moved in an apt with him.I started giving him money four months into the relationship.He did not work..still does not as he lives off disability.He always would hint that he was running low on cash and I felt obligated because I was his girlfriend.He knew I had a daughter but never did I let him meet her.I'm suffering from the hurt and the giving of my heart.Thank you for your reply.I don't send money to men.It was only to him,my ex.

 

Whoa wait he never met your daughter? Where was she then this whole time if you were living with him? You chose to live with this guy over your daughter?

 

This guy is classic abuser. He played you from day one. You're not the first to get played and won't be the last. You need to get some serious counseling and don't date until you are in a better place.

 

You knew he was in prison his "whole life" and dated him? What was he in prison for that long? It's a good thing he never met your daughter but I'm concerned you lived with him and don't state where she was the whole time.

 

These guys know how to manipulate.