Dealing with Guilt 6 Years Later

[DarkBlue82]

Hi, I am looking for advice for dealing with the guilt I feel for a bad choice I made in my life.

 

Six years ago I put an end to sleeping with a married woman on and off for two years and nine months. She was 14 years older than me, married with kids, I was 26 and she was 40 at the time. She was also my manager at work for most of that time.

 

Before I made the terrible and uncharacteristic choice of sleeping with her we had become friends and she would confide in me about how her marriage had been over for years, that she wanted a divorce but it was complicated and was going to take time. She also told me how her husbund was emotionally and physically abusive to her and to me it sounded as if they were separated.

 

I suppose these factors justified seeing her to me even though deep down I knew it was wrong as she was technically still married and most likely still living together (I didn't ask much about this side of things as she never wanted to talk about it).

 

Looking at it now I believed she was a troubled person who needed help and was in a crossroads about her marriage. She would routinely refer to it as a situation she was stuck in.

 

I on the other hand were very naive and believed everything she told me because I cared about her. I feel now that a lot of it could have been overexaggerated or just simple lies to keep me interested. I think I was just a bit of fun to her until either she decided to go back to her husbund or get a divorce.

 

This whole time in my life (2 yrs 9 months) has been the only mistake I have ever made and still to this day 6 years later I cannot believe I did it and feel imense guilt for my actions.

 

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? I must of been colour blind and ridiculously naive and there were too many red flags to count but in some strange way I felt I was trying to make her happy regardless of knowing deep down it was wrong.

 

I have never cheated on anyone or been in a situation like this before and obviously would never do it again yet. I thought I was a good person. How could I do this?

[Matt3939]

I'd let it go. If you hurt anyone it was the husband she was a willing participant. If he never knew then you are just beating yourself up. Sounds like you have learned from your actions.

[DarkBlue82]

Thats the issue I cant seem to let it go. Even when I think about it now it shocks me that I got involved with her. Her telling me her husbund was physically and emotionally abusive to her must of enabled me to ignore the glaring red flag that it was wrong.

[nutbrownhare]

I think you've punished yourself enough already. This isn't a mistake you'll be likely to make again; many of us have relationships where we look back later and ask "What the **** was I doing???"

 

She was as responsible for the situation as you were, and your part in it is over.

[IAmFCA]

What purpose does it serve you, to hang on to this judgment of yourself?

 

It can be scary to discover, through understanding, that good people use poor judgment on occasion. Right and wrong may be clear, but the people who do right and wrong might be only a hair's breadth apart.

 

People are flawed, by definition. That is why we don't judge others or ourselves. You are more than this one choice. Forgive yourself and put it behind you. Let it go.

[Wiseman2]

Yep, she seduced you with the lure of sex and the typical "my spouse doesn't understand me ", "we're emotionally separated", etc. excuses. It's all on her. She's the cheater/liar.

I was 26 and she was 40 at the time. She was also my manager at work for most of that time.She would routinely refer to it as a situation she was stuck in. I on the other hand were very naive and believed everything she told me because I cared about her.

[rosephase]

Mistakes are how people learn. That relationship didn't feel good, didn't meet your needs and compromised your own ethics. Now you won't do it again. Why are you guilting yourself over something that happened six years ago and won't do again? Part of growing from mistakes is forgiving yourself for making them.

 

You are a flawed person. Like all of us. Sex, love and human connection are more powerful and complicated then they seem. Learning how to respect our own hearts, bodies and autonomy is a life long project.

[DarkBlue82]

I am not sure why I still feel guilty six later thats my problem. I am very hard on myself for past mistakes ranging from this major one to minor ones like minor driving errors etc.

 

I feel I need to be this perfect moral person and I guess it just bothers me I did something to comprise who I thought I was.

 

I know deep down I am a good person

[Wiseman2]

Let it go. However this is a fantastic lesson in red flags like office romances and "rescuing" damaged women from their partners.

it shocks me that I got involved with her.

 

]

[DarkBlue82]

Yeah trying to "rescue" her from her problems is a great way to describe it.

 

There are some people in life that personify a red flag and I was too naive to see it.

 

Thanks for the words of advice.

[evad1]

I am not sure why I still feel guilty six later thats my problem. I am very hard on myself for past mistakes ranging from this major one to minor ones like minor driving errors etc.

 

I feel I need to be this perfect moral person and I guess it just bothers me I did something to comprise who I thought I was.

 

I know deep down I am a good person

 

Well you definitely sound like a good guy. Don't let this get you down and like wiseman said watch out for those red flags lol don't fall for seducer with skeletons in her closet. You don't have to over think it. Good luck

[DarkBlue82]

Thank you, I would never do something like that ever again regardless of what tales they spin to take advantage of my compassionate side.

 

She dragged me into her life with lies and I fell for it due to my naivity and wanting to rescue her/make her happy while forsaking my own ethics and moral code.

 

Its the fact I broke that code that hits me the hardest and is the true nature of my lingering guilt even 6 years later.

[trojan]

Thank you, I would never do something like that ever again regardless of what tales they spin to take advantage of my compassionate side.

 

She dragged me into her life with lies and I fell for it due to my naivity and wanting to rescue her/make her happy while forsaking my own ethics and moral code.

 

Its the fact I broke that code that hits me the hardest and is the true nature of my lingering guilt even 6 years later.

 

6 years is a long time to worry about this. She dragged you into it. You did not seduce her; she is a cougar. Forget about it.

I did this 2 times, accidently when I was in 20's. Two different 40 year old married women seduced me.

At that fourty year old age and married and doing that, they are approaching the situation with their eyes wide open.

You didnt do it, they did.

[DarkBlue82]

Thanks, I feel better knowing other good people have experienced a similiar situation and I am not alone.

 

I hope in time I will truely let go of my guilt and fully understand what happened to enable me to make that stupid choice 6 years ago.

 

I think I look at it through a black and white filter and summise it was just plain wrong when I need to look at the greyscale inbetween to understand how a good person can make such a bad, uncharacteristic choice.

 

Thank you for helping me see why it happened.

[DarkBlue82]

I am struggling to forgive myself still to this day. I read and watch articles about how you need to forgive yourself to stop being chained to the past but I cannot seem to do it. Anyone with any tips? Or experience in this kind of situation?

[Purusha]

Hi Darkblue,

 

6 years is a long time to be dealing with this, but you can get to the crux of the issue.

 

When we get into situations like this, especially when they're out of character, it's usually because it's fulfilling a deep need that we have at the time - these are often primal survival needs that the person provides us with that make it impossible to resist.

 

When faced with these kinds of situations, the best and nicest person on the earth will often sacrifice their values to meet their needs - this is human and normal. It doesn't make what you did right, but it does help you to find out what you need to do in order to find out what it is that you needed in this relationship as it'll often shed some light and help you with other areas of your life.

 

There are generally six essential needs that every human being has:

 

Certainty (security)

Variety (excitement)

Significance

Love

Connection

Growth & contribution

 

Take yourself back to the time when you were in a relationship with her - how did the relationship make you feel? Don't focus on the guilt, focus on what felt good to you.

 

If you can figure out what the most powerful emotion was it's your starting point as to the need that you were fulfilling when you were in the relationship, it might be one or a few of these elements.

 

When this happens in the context of a forbidden act such as an affair, it's often a need that you grew up learning was unavailable to you - so if it's significance, for example, it's highly likely that you grew up feeling insignificant, unimportant or invisible. It might be that this is reflected in your parents relationship, that your father was domineered and belittled by your mother, and that this was extended to you, for example.

 

It's worth exploring because it gets to the bottom of what influenced you, and why it happened. You can also then work on incorporating whatever need was missing into your life in general, as these kinds of acts where you ditch your set of values means that the need is quite desperate.

 

Hope the above has helped. :)

[DarkBlue82]

Yes you could be on to something there thank you for your reply. I think it was because i cared for her and wanted to save her from her 'situation' when really i should have just told her i could only support her as a friend nothing more.

[Purusha]

Hi Darkblue,

 

That tells you how you felt about her, but not how you felt in yourself within the relationship.

 

So, for example, by your saying that you wanted to save her - did this make you feel important? Did it give you a sense of connection and intimacy? Did it make you feel you were contributing something meaningful? How did the relationship itself fulfil your needs?

 

Rather than trying to think about it, remember how you felt and try to describe the feeling, not the why behind what you felt.

[DarkBlue82]

Hi Darkblue,

 

That tells you how you felt about her, but not how you felt in yourself within the relationship.

 

So, for example, by your saying that you wanted to save her - did this make you feel important? Did it give you a sense of connection and intimacy? Did it make you feel you were contributing something meaningful? How did the relationship itself fulfil your needs?

 

Rather than trying to think about it, remember how you felt and try to describe the feeling, not the why behind what you

 

Wanting to save her and make her happy made me feel good because she was a friend in need and I suppose I enjoy helping people I care for.

[Purusha]

Ok so I'd say that comes under the category of contribution, a part of you felt that you could give her what she needed to feel better and to improve her life.

 

The issue I would say with this is that it's conflicted by your having a romantic/sexual relationship with her as this obviously wasn't going to help her with her marriage and would lead to a lot of emotional confusion in her life, so what did you feel at that moment when you crossed that line?

 

Was it the connection you had, the intimacy, was it the feeling that you mattered so much to each other? If you didn't have a need for any of these elements from her, you could have stayed as only a friend, so there was something in your relationship with her that would have made you abandon your moral code to be close to her in that way.