Does my ex have GIGS (grass is greener syndrome)?

[ang97]

Hi! Warning: this is a fairly long post. I really need some opinions though, because I am kind of confused. I personally think he is going through GIGS in the aspect that he thinks the grass is greener being single and 'free' than it is being in a relationship.

 

My ex and I dated for about 14 months. Each other's first (love & sex), proclaimed each other as soulmates, etc. As stupid as this sounds, we met over tinder at age 17. He lived 2 and a half hours away from me, so we didn't take it that seriously at first. Quickly though we had a connection that was just insane. I took the chance and lied to my dad and drove to another state after school to meet this boy at his high school's football game. We hit it off right away, it was just absolutely amazing. I had never had a connection with somebody like that and neither had he. We basically knew we wanted to date but held off for a little bit because 1) we had both been cheated on and 2) we didn't know how we would deal with the long distance--seeing each other, keeping it a secret, etc.

 

We ended up dating in November. It was a beautiful time in my life--I was extremely happy with both myself and our relationship, as was he. We ended up breaking our relationship to our parents, and they ended up accepting it even though we were just seniors in high school in two different (but neighboring) states with two different lives.

 

We saw each other as often as we could. Talked on the phone every day. Texted all day everyday. Went to each other's proms and he even made it to my winter formal, which was just a very small dance for my high school. He and his dad drove 3 hours and got a hotel just for a 2 hour dance. I'll never forget that.

 

Life was so good with him, we had promises we made for each other. When it came time for us to pick our colleges, he picked one relatively close to home. I coincidentally picked one that was about 30 minutes away from him, and we dreamed about finally not being long distance.

 

Summer came and went, we talked all the time still and couldn't wait for school to start.

 

I left my family and most of my friends to go to school. I'm the first in my family to go to a real university and I had basically uprooted myself, but it was okay--I had my anchor.

 

In the first week of school I noticed a change in him. The high school boy who had previously gotten nervous at me mentioning possibly joining a sorority, at me thinking about going to an end of the year party for my senior class, had gone to a frat party and was talking to me about his interest in rushing a fraternity.

 

I was nervous about the fraternity thing because I really didn't know much about it, but I was glad he was coming out of his shell a bit (didn't have a ton of good friends in HS, didn't like parties) and supported him. I'll give myself props here-I wanted (and still want) the world for this boy. I supported him in every single aspect of his life. Blah blah blah, he rushes the fraternity and gets a bid. I'm happy for him, he's happy. The relationship was a little rocky during pledgeship because you never get to see him during that and you're scared because of hazing. We still made it work.

 

At this point we had been dating over a year. I remember on our one year anniversary he had something he had to do for his fraternity. That sucked, but he made it up by taking me to my first hockey game at a later date. (He ended up wanting to hang out with some of his friends after, but I obliged because I didn't want to argue)

 

Let's just fast forward. He becomes, basically, an alcoholic. I understand that's pretty normal for college guys, especially those in fraternities. He can drink like no other, and would go out at every opportunity. He was/is also a heavy smoker (weed), which I was fine with. His grades drop dramatically. He is on academic probation from the school and also his fraternity due to this. I still supported him and tried to help him keep on track, even though he was an adult and should've realized school is so much more important than his fraternity.

 

After a while, We broke up for 2 days because he wasn't prioritizing me like he was his fraternity and his friends. 2 days later he came back and promised he would prioritize me again. Overall, he did. We dated for like 3 more months after that and it was mostly good. We would bicker over small things (like how one of his brothers stole an RA's art work and he was defending him, etc) but we loved each other so much and cared for each other so much still.

 

When we were on breaks from school, that's when I noticed he would have the most attention and time to give to me. It was nice to have a little bit of what we had before.

 

Anyways, a smidge over a week ago we decided to go on a break because he was a little overwhelmed with everything. No contact for the most part. I noticed over the break he liked a picture of a girls ass on instagram, and threw a fit.

 

We met up to discuss this, and long story short he said he just didn't want a relationship anymore. It was nothing I had done he said, he still wanted to be best friends, didn't want to lose me. Wanted me to transfer to his school (because it would be 'good' for me?), still wanted to hang out and talk in the future. He said I could still come to him for anything. He cried a little. He said he didn't want a relationship, but if he wanted one in the future it would only be with me. Still said we are soulmates, he loves me, cares for me, etc. basically all of the stuff people in relationships do. He said we could still be best friends. I really don't think so but didn't say a lot about that. He said it would be hard for him too. Still kissed and hugged me, kissed my hand. It hurt so bad.

 

That was 6 days ago and we haven't talked since. He has my gopro, he said he would text and ask for my address sometime. He told me I can keep his stuff (hoodies and other randomness). I'm giving it back to his mom to give to him next Thursday.

 

You could say I'm heartbroken. The love of my life took me and my love for granted.

 

I have a feeling that he will come back. I'm deeply rooted into his life now, fortunately/unfortunately. I know that right now he is partying, drinking excessively, hanging with his friends--anything to not think about it. I'm sure he's feeling relief right now and might for even a week or two. However, I think soon he will regret it.

 

He will regret tossing me to the side. I get he's busy and has to get his stuff together or he will f up his life basically (his parents will be livid if he keeps up the show he has for grades, will be dropped from fraternity, etc). College is extremely stressful for me, and I am only in school and nothing else, so I can only imagine how overwhelmed he was feeling. Even his mom said he is crazy for doing this, and he just his being extremely immature and needs to 'sow the wild oats of young adulthood' (lol). Also mentioned his problems with time management and said right now that's where all of his time is focused. I get that he wants to also experience a taste of being single in college--not having someone that he needs to talk to, hang out with, etc. I mean that's typical. Most people do get to experience it, and I'm sure he was getting a little jealous of all of his single friends who got to do whatever they want when they wanted to with no one to answer to.

 

I think he will regret his though. I'm expecting to hear from him in 2-8 weeks. I believe he will want me back after he truly experiences life without his best friend, the only one that was always down for him, no matter what.

 

This doesn't mean I'll take him back.

 

So, 1) do you think he has some type of GIGS? and 2) do you think there is a chance of him trying to reconcile/bread crumb?

 

Thanks!!

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sounds like gigs. It sounds like you grew apart at college. Agree you both need to be free and enjoy campus life and sow your wild oats. Try to get more involved in college life. Study groups, sports, clubs, dorm life, etc. He's not 'your anchor' This is a time to be developing independence.

[Clio]

He is young and immature. GIGS is no excuse. He weighed his options and made a conscious choice to drop you. Never underestimate that. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have been able to do that to you. Absolving him using GIGS is not wise. If he comes back he will be liable to leave again just as easily. Second time around it's even more easier for them to leave. Your energy is better spent moving on.

[boltnrun]

It sounds like you made him your entire world. And it sounds like he had a life aside from you.

 

It's never good to make another person your entire world, because if they leave you're left with nothing. While he still has his fraternity, friends, etc.

 

Instead of sitting around waiting for him to come back, how about you get involved in activities and clubs at your school?

 

PS: Nope, not GIGS. Just a normal guy living independently for the first time and maybe going overboard, but that's not unusual.

[nutbrownhare]

No, not GIGS. He's just a young man trying out life, playing the field, getting all the over-the-top stuff out of his system - much better he does it now than have a mid-life crisis and desert his responsibilities later on.

 

While some people do keep the same boyfriend/girlfriend from before college right the way through their studies, it's relatively rare because you're both changing so much. Use this as an opportunity to expand your own horizons, and to enjoy being single and getting out and about. It is very dangerous to view one person as the source of all the good things in your life - no matter how old you are, or what your situation is - and if you sit around waiting, in the hope he'll come back, this will break your heart even more. He probably won't. And you mustn't let your own happiness depend on it.

 

While you're focused on him, you are discounting all the opportunities which being a student affords you. It would be great for your own personal growth if you could cultivate more of a sense of independence and confidence.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with the others, not GIGS.

 

He's just young and wants to have his fun and not be in a serious relationship. It's not pleasant for the dumpee, but it's pretty common at your ages.