i act impulsively and i don't know how to stop?

[Butterflyxx]

i'm 18. i'm immature i completely understand that and i have not had a lot of life experience. i come from a large family, i often feel very pushed out and not included. my family often argues & i get my negative behaviour from my mum. she is very manipulative and emotionally abusive to all family members.

i also do not want counselling. i am seeking advice from websites and other methods to desperately improve myself.

 

so my main issue is my impulsive outbursts. this has always occurred especially when i feel very stressed, ignored and frustrated. it happens when in arguments with my family and with my boyfriend.

when i feel so frustrated i feel like i have no control & i say such regrettable things & i know that whilst i'm saying it i'm thinking in my head 'why am i saying such stupid things that i don't mean', yet this impulse is so strong.

some examples of when i get upset (especially towards my boyfriend), is once he forgot we had plans to meet so i felt unwanted & upset so i confronted him & he kept downplaying my feelings so i regrettably said i wanted to break up and that we weren't working out. whist saying it, i knew it wasn't true. i was upset and i wanted him to take me seriously.

i feel tremendous guilt and regret when i say these things, especially afterwards. i know full well the consequences & how much damage i cause. i hate myself for being this way. i need to change this horrible and destructive behaviour quickly. i am immature and i deal with situations in an idiotic manner.

does anyone have any advice? it would be much appreciated because i'm petrified i will lose my boyfriend (who i seriously do not deserve), and i understand it would be my fault entirely if/when he leaves.

[dave_1966]

Here's my opinion, you're experiencing nothing out of the ordinary for an 18 year old. Your hormones are running riot, and the only way you'll stop these outbursts is when you have to experience the consequences of having one outburst too many. Sadly, this is part of growing up. I would suggest that you warn those closest to you that when you have an outburst anything you say should be ignored, and anything important would only ever be communicated in a calm and considered fashion. If your boyfriend doesn't get this, he's not mature enough to be going out with anyway.

[Butterflyxx]

Here's my opinion, you're experiencing nothing out of the ordinary for an 18 year old. Your hormones are running riot, and the only way you'll stop these outbursts is when you have to experience the consequences of having one outburst too many. Sadly, this is part of growing up. I would suggest that you warn those closest to you that when you have an outburst anything you say should be ignored, and anything important would only ever be communicated in a calm and considered fashion. If your boyfriend doesn't get this, he's not mature enough to be going out with anyway.

 

my boyfriend is very understanding. he tells me he understands the stages of me getting upset: complaint, outburst, apology.

he says that him understanding me makes our relationship stronger, but also said that me threatening to break up (doesn't happen often), will possibly have a negative impact and tells me to stop it.

i'm a very lucky to have him, and i really want to learn some coping mechanisms to help me stop.

whenever i say something stupid, as soon as it has left my mouth i know i've messed up and i apologise immediately, i am not excusing my behaviour at all.

thank you for the advice.

[RainyCoast]

I would download free DBT self-help books and workbooks!

 

DBT is efficient on borderlines, so it would be very useful in traits such impulsiveness, a flair for the dramatic, fear of abandonment and frequent sudden break-ups and make-ups. ("I hate you, don't leave me!"-- that is also the title of a book which explains this tendency. it's about BPD but useful to anyone who sees these behaviors in themselves)

 

 

 

eta: i should probably clarify: the book in the link is about borderline personality disorder, family dynamics encouraging of the development of said disorder and tendencies and pre-borderline traits. it is not on DBT. i suggested it because it deals so extensively with this issue of exploding in a relationship when one feels neglected or fears abandonment. i don't have anything on DBT with me atm, but there's loads of free stuff online.

[Iggy5129]

If you're dead set on not getting therapy then I suggest yoga and meditation. It will help you control your emotions. I was like you as a teenager and up into my 20s. Very emotional and sensitive didn't know how to control it. Then I discovered yoga and it changed my life. It will really help you control your thought patterns and calm any anxieties you are having. There is tons of info and books to read on it and it's easy to start a practice on your own. Acupuncture could help as well.

 

I used to be a very dark, depressed, cynical person and yoga has made my personality do a complete 180. Plus the added benefit of getting into shape.

 

Personally I think therapy would really help. But you're not there yet. I hope you do consider it in the future because it's very helpful.

[Wiseman2]

If you don't deal with the causes of the anger and frustration you can't stop the behaviors. Also living in the midst of toxicity won't help you. Get out of the house more. Clubs, groups, sports, the library, school, work, volunteering. Go away to college or if working, get a place with some roommates.

 

Walk away from family drama. Go to your room, a friends or to the places/activities listed above.

my family often argues. my main issue is my impulsive outbursts. this has always occurred especially when i feel very stressed, ignored and frustrated.

[Butterflyxx]

If you're dead set on not getting therapy then I suggest yoga and meditation. It will help you control your emotions. I was like you as a teenager and up into my 20s. Very emotional and sensitive didn't know how to control it. Then I discovered yoga and it changed my life. It will really help you control your thought patterns and calm any anxieties you are having. There is tons of info and books to read on it and it's easy to start a practice on your own. Acupuncture could help as well.

 

I used to be a very dark, depressed, cynical person and yoga has made my personality do a complete 180. Plus the added benefit of getting into shape.

 

Personally I think therapy would really help. But you're not there yet. I hope you do consider it in the future because it's very helpful.

i have recently been reading into yoga and meditation and there are many health benefits so i think that will help!

how do you personally feel that yoga and meditation helped?

[Butterflyxx]

If you don't deal with the causes of the anger and frustration you can't stop the behaviors. Also living in the midst of toxicity won't help you. Get out of the house more. Clubs, groups, sports, the library, school, work, volunteering. Go away to college or if working, get a place with some roommates.

 

Walk away from family drama. Go to your room, a friends or to the places/activities listed above.

i try to stay away as often as i can, but whenever there are massive arguments (frequently), i try and stay in my room but my sister drags me out to try and sort the situation out. which consists of physical violence possibly from my mum to my sister or father, therefore in some situations i don't think walking away would help my family.

[Wiseman2]

Call the police if there is violence in the house to settle things and make it be known that this is unacceptable.

which consists of physical violence possibly from my mum to my sister or father.