Recent breakup, still hurts, annoying (Long but juicy bullet points!) TY!

[Wormtail]

I cannot yet see through the dust that hasn't settled from my shattered heart! It has been 24 days. I just read 236 pages of threads on breakups on eNotAlone and am more hopeful than ever, but I need outside opinions. Love doctors/advice givers/similar stories, please help! This is long and I'll try to break it up as much as possible for an easy read. I am banking on the fact that he would never go on a site like this. If he had, I believe we'd still be together. I just need to get it out of my head where it's swirling around:

 

Throughout our relationship:

"I want to grow old with you."

"You're my best friend."

*insert 10000's of compliments from my looks to my brains to my compassion and opinions.*

"Do you think our kids will be beautiful?"

*Creates professions and hobbies for our future children.*

We know each others' friends and families.

"We'll move to [insert his home town] in June." (this is across the country -- I'm all like, sure, okay!)

"We'll move in to a sweet apartment downtown in June when your lease is up." (I'm all like, sure, okay!)

"We'll move to [insert his home town] in June." (this is across the country -- I'm all like, sure, okay!)

"I'm buying a house." (I'm all like, sure, okay!)

If... blah, blah, blah, WE'RE getting that house." (I'm all like, sure, okay!)

"When we move to [insert his home town] we're having separate apartments. We are not moving in together until we are married!" (I'm all like, sure, okay!... on January 2nd... 4 days before the breakup).

4 days before the breakup. Still talking about "when we get married." Which for the record could be 20 years from now if that's the time he needs. He is in his late 30's, I in my early 30's, FTR.

 

I can honestly say we were best friends and I also saw him as my family and my future. I've only been in long relationships before (7 years, 4 years, etc.) and this one finally felt like it was "the One." Please don't hate me for saying that. But it felt like that up until the day of the breakup... and honestly since the breakup... though I could be in denial. I thought/hope it was just a rough time in his life that we were going to work through together.

 

Then slowly... "Do you think we have too much sex?" "I don't text you in the day as much because I'm afraid we'll run out of things to talk about." etc. Meanwhile, we end up missing events because we sit at the table after breakfast and talk for hours on end. "I'm sorry I can't do things like your ex, do you get sick of watching movies?" General anxiety that he's not doing things good enough for me. He honestly treated me very, very well. I don't know why he thought he had to try so hard. I'd love him if he never bought me another gift in my life, never made me another meal, etc. I get the feeling that he was exhausted from trying so hard though I don't know what made him feel like he did.

 

There are many things that went on during the 5 hour actual breakup but these are the stand out quotes:

"If we're going to be 80 together, I need to fix myself."

"You're going to give me a heart attack."

“Why am I so angry?”

“Why am I afraid of commitment?”

We left to get food and came back...

"Maybe I need to try a different strategy with you."

"You're not happy, Babe." 10000x

"I loved you."

"I have to break up with you." *proceeds to tell our friend that we're on a "break" and tells two others not to tell anyone*

“I’m the worst person in the world.”

"Maybe I need to be alone for 5 years and then start dating again."

"I just want to start over, Babe. I need to reset."

"Do you want me to do this another time?"

Then I told him to leave and go work on himself so he can come back to me.

 

We have met twice since then.

 

1st time: We ran into each other at an event. He got mad because he thought I didn't wear the coat he got me. He smiled at me every time I walked in to the room. Later he ran over and asked if I was okay and said we can talk, "wherever you want to go." We went to a back stairwell. He said, “I left you,” “I’m embarrassed,” “I’m ashamed,” “I’m disappointed,” “I let you down,” and that he can't just turn it back on but wants to hang out slowly. Then we hugged a lot and he admitted that he got jealous in the beginning of our relationship about me spending too much time dancing with a guy (once). I said I understand and that it makes sense that he would, but that I only had eyes for him so it didn't cross my mind that he would be jealous. I said I would never do it again (and I haven't in the past 5 months since then...).

“We’ll get a gym membership for you at my gym.”

“We’ve got really good friends who are supporting us being together.”

We danced a very close (we're dancers). He said later that it "felt good."

He let someone take photos of us cuddling/hugging.

Then later, he said he speaks in hints and that everyone else in his life understands his hints and that we're not a match because I can't understand them. I told him we're adults and that's why we have words.

Blah, blah, blah, circles, circles, circles.

He asked me which was my new apartment and which balcony was mine.

I hugged him and then he let out a little squeak.

We slept in separate houses. Mind you... HE WAS TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER THIS NIGHT.

 

2nd time: He said "we'll definitely talk" and then didn't want to talk when we got together. He lied about why he cancelled on me the day before, but I didn't mention that to him. I'm sure he had his reasons. He was probably sleepy from the late talks the night before. He said, "Of course we have chemistry, of course we get along, we're just not compatible."... because I don't get his hints... "I will NEVER use hints with you again!" Then I did the worst thing and sobbed about it, we both said mean things, but mostly it was me telling him everything I love about him... oops. Him:

"I don't want to be your boyfriend"

"I don't want to see you naked" (keep in mind we were intimate the night before the breakup -- his initiation).

"I don't want to hate you."

“I WILL never read your phone.”

"You're a great girl. You deserve the best."

"You can take these lessons for your next relationship."

"I don't want to sleep on the couch forever!" (for the record, he has never and would never have slept on the couch. I hate going to bed angry and I don't recall staying angry at him for more than an hour tops).

Me: "Do you want me to date other people?" Him: "You do what you have to do." Me: "Are you going to date other people?" Him: "*yelling* I just lost my GIRLFRIEND! If I was going to date anyone it would probably be YOU!" Me: "Are we going to get back together?" Him: "I don't know." *later* Me: "Are we ever going to get back together?" Him: "As of right now, no! But I don't knoooow." Me: "Can we plan a date for a month from now?" Him: *pauses* "A month from now?" Me: "Yes" Him: *pauses* "I don't think that's a good idea." etc., etc., etc.

Him: "You can't handle a man like me."

Him: "Go wash your face." Me: "I bet I look awful." (*mascara EVERYWHERE*) Him: "Yeah."

"We'll talk."

*wave goodnight*

 

He texted me some videos two days later.

 

I texted him 5 days later that I was thinking about him and sending positive vibes. He messaged back with what he's been up to. Sent family/friends' regards and I sent a hello from my little cousin.

 

We're now on day 8 of no contact (he's out of town), which I hate, but I want to give him his space. I did message his friend to check on him as I was worried, but know he would not tell him.

 

He's addicted to FB (one of the very few, few things that bugged me) and has stopped posting altogether. No likes, etc. in a week. He changed his Whattsap photo 5x in the past week. After the breakup it was a weird smiling pic, then some guy who may or may not be his friend, then no pic, then a weird "bro"/convict selfie, and now a joke picture of Trump. Unfortunately I do not use Whattsap often except to talk to one girlfriend and his the message directly under hers. Every time I go to message her I see a different picture.

 

He still has all of my belongings and I his.

 

Him, from Christmas to the breakup, including the week of the breakup and the day before:

“Of course you won’t fight for me.” (2 days before the breakup)

“Just because we fight doesn’t mean we have to break up, Babe.”

“I don’t want to break up, Babe.”

“I'm sorry it's so hard to be with me.” (2 days before the breakup)

“I want you in my life.”

"My New Year's resolutions... and I want to be a better man for you. Please tell me when I do anything wrong so I can fix it." (on the 2nd)

"I know it has to be hard to date me. I'm sorry."

"I think we're equal in everything."

"You're probably the smartest woman I know."

"I think everything that comes out of your mouth should be listened to. Every word you say matters."

“Why did she make this cake for me? I don’t understand why she made it for me.” (to our friends)

"I’m the one who’s supposed to blow up, Babe, not you." (I went upstairs while he was getting mad for a silly reason).

On my birthday, on a rooftop in NYC, staring into my eyes, "You're my family Babe, you're all I've got. I will never hurt you again. Never." -- 12 days before breakup... This is, I believe, the moment he actually fell in love with me. He said it before but I believe he mistakes lust/butterflies/honeymoon stage for love. This makes me very sad.

 

I believe him to have low self-esteem and abandonment issues. That being said, I think the world of him, even now. I believe him to be a good man, despite the lying and anger. I think he's probably been hurting his whole life and it's hard for him to let people in. I believe he may be angry because I made it in. Once someone starts seeing his flaws, he looks for reasons to push them away. I recall several times, "I'm sorry, Babe, I always push away the people I care about." He also does this with his family and friends = doesn't talk to them for months and then comes back like nothing happened. I am aware that I cannot change or fix him and that he has to do that on his own. I believe I did not know the extent of his issues/pains until we broke up and believe I now have the tools to handle it better. I have also gone to therapy to try to understand this more, have been watching High Fidelity on loop, and just began reading "Codependent No More." I'm not sure if he has gone to therapy, although he said he would.

 

Issues in the relationship ranged from me not getting rid of my cats (of 3 years) when he was allergic (3 months in and we did not live together. I have since re-homed them to a lovely place -- it takes time to find good pet owners to take over!), moved too close to him (on a month to month lease because I needed a cheaper place and he says he is living on the other side of the country only for me... he offered to remodel it and pay the deposit as well. I declined because he was about to spend $15k fixing his car), I fall asleep in his arms during movies (he thinks it proves that I think he's boring... ugh), I didn't get his hints, I cared more about the population that I volunteer for more than him (that one is the craziest one there is), I didn't engage with his friends (they all love me and I have hung out with each of them several times since, hours of conversation), and I wasn't there for him when his life turned a mess (his friend died and he thanked me for being there for him... and he killed his fabulous, terribly expensive car on a trip with me and thanked me for helping him through it...). I believe he has forgotten the time my friend died and he told me to ignore it and not think about it and I silently forgave him on the spot because how is he supposed to know what I need when I'm grieving? He can't read my mind!

 

Literally every single thing he is mad at me about has a parallel to something he did to me that I just don't see the point in being mad about. Why ruin a good thing for something silly? He also makes up things about me like that I have a "timeline" and that I'm "not happy." These are ABSOLUTELY unfounded in truth. Even when he was mad at me, I often found him either adorable or incredibly sexy afterward. NBD.

 

Since then he has gone all over telling everyone all of the above-listed items. All of our friends think it's nuts and he's making excuses. Our closest friends (including his best friends) have all said something on the lines of, "Really? That's a big deal to him?", etc.

 

So anyway, I guess what I'm asking is... 1. Am I crazy to still be head over heels for this guy? Everyone I talk to says I'm crazy, can "do better", etc. but I honestly just want to be back in his arms, pronto. All of his friends want us back together, 2. What are the odds that he will realize this is 50%/50% and not 100% my fault. We're adults. No one cheated, he only lied about silly things (he does it to everyone -- a people pleaser), our best moments were with each other, etc. Is it crazy to think that this was super impulsive? Why can't he see that? Will he ever see that? I just want to start over and get our magic back, but I'm not sure if his pride/stubbornness will let him. I mostly annoyed today that he is willing to let go of everything we were "family" and "best friend" and "lover" and "connection" and "chemistry" for things that don't really effect us in the long term. Like... cats? I don't even have them anymore, who cares 5 months later? I miss him and there's literally nothing that I can do to change it but bank on good old Father Time to work HIS magic. But I would like to have some sanity through the process.

 

I know all about "false hope", but let me insert a story of my 7 year relationship quickly summarized: Dated for 7 years, moved across the country together twice (one was an ultimatum). We ended up hating each other. He literally said during the break up, "You're not happy," "I don't want to see you naked, "I want to see what it's like to sleep with other people," "I don't want to have sex with you," and "We are never getting back together." He went on to date an Argentinian model and several other women. We stayed friends on and off and after 2 years I finally started dating this guy who seemed pretty great. All of a sudden this ex comes rushing into my life and proposes. Has his entire family (5 people) call me to tell me that he loves me and that I need to give him another chance. He cried. I cried. He was too late. We are still friends and he thinks that my new ex (I hate saying calling him an ex) is an idiot and a "child." I don't believe either of those things.

 

I applaud anyone who made it through this explanation of my unfortunate events. Thank you for your patience. Any thoughts much appreciated!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It perfectly illustrates why no contact blocking, deleting and most defiantly not hanging out with an ex is so crucial after a breakup.

 

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How often did you see each other?

 

So many red flags particularly all the too much, too soon, too fast future talk and string-along talk in the beginning. You're not growing old together until you're growing old together. You're not getting married until you are walking down an aisle. You are not having children together until you are in the delivery room. So watch out for this type of talk next time.

[gebaird]

I'm sure every time you tell this story you get the same feedback. "Drop him," "You can do better," "He doesn't deserve you," etc. At the risk of just being another voice adding to that same chorus, I really, really don't think this relationship is going to work long-term. The only question that remains to be decided is how long you want to play games before realizing you're never going to get the "magic" back that you had at the beginning of the relationship.

 

His "hints" are total bull. His words mean even less. Look at his hurtful actions. Is this the way a guy treats a woman he loves? It sounds like you are offering more allowances for his behavior than he deserves. Sure, he may have a difficult past. Sure, he has low self-esteem and abandonment issues. But he's not a lost puppy. He's a man, at least biologically, and he's responsible for his actions. You are so head over heels in love with him that you can't see any of this objectively.

 

I think you are a wonderful and forgiving person who would make a great partner for someone who's mentally and emotionally stable. I just don't think you're going to get what you want from your ex. I wish I could tell you he'll come running back and be everything you want him to be, but I don't see it happening. He may come running back, but his issues will come back with him.

 

You can't just be with the best parts of him. You have to be with all of him, including the relationship-destroying issues that brought you to this point.

 

Your best option is to cut all ties with him and move on. Any other choice will probably result in a lot more pain than you've already experienced. Stop the bleeding so you can heal. Block him everywhere and begin building a new and better life for yourself.

[Wormtail]

Whyyyy did he say those things? I can call him when he's lying almost every time, but none of that felt like a lie. We saw each other every single day for 9 months. The only time we weren't together is when either of us was out of town and the longest time was 10 days. The breakup was "the icing on the cake" on yet another thing he gave me mixed signals about. I didn't get his "hints" again. I didn't know we were speaking in hints until 10 or so days after the breakup.

[Wiseman2]

The whole relationship sounds shallow and deliberately vague. Was he on the rebound or talking to others? All this too much too soon sounds like it was a distraction for him.

We saw each other every single day for 9 months. I didn't know we were speaking in hints until 10 or so days after the breakup.

[Wormtail]

I can think of four nights that we didn't spend together from right after work until work the next morning, unless one of us had a dance class to teach. I tried to encourage "guy's nights" and have him hang out with his friends more, but he would always just make plans for me to come over. He wouldn't have had time to talk to anyone else. He would message me at least three moderately long conversations throughout the day. I am usually a very together type of woman, not to get swept off my feet, etc. and never one to pine over a guy who didn't give me their all. I think I'm just as much at a loss at the strength of my own feelings as I am at the fluctuating nature of his.

[Wormtail]

His last relationships ended in flames very quickly. I've spoken with the last one. He dumped her because she "wasn't over her ex" and it was a day she went to a funeral of her friend... The previous one was apparently going out to hang out with a guy who had tried to kiss her once so he broke up with her, took the key and left. The one before that was out of town and apparently was "wrong for him" with different life goals, etc. He dated one girl with a child and decided that wasn't his thing. Our mutual friend said his longest relationship ended because she "didn't support his career." I'm certain there were lots of flings in between. He has only taken 2 women home (me and the 2 year one) and only given two women a key. He says one "I love you" but that's one thing I'm not certain I believe.

[gebaird]

Whyyyy did he say those things?

 

I think he probably meant them, at the time, but his subsequent and hurtful actions invalidate every kind and loving word he ever spoke. His relationship track record doesn't look so hot, either.

 

I realize it's very different for you (all I see is the logical dimension, not the emotional one), but this feels a little like the alcoholic who thinks alcohol is his only friend, when in reality alcohol is the reason all his other friends have gone away.

[Annia]

This guy seems like a mess and a total drama queen. Is it really worth it to invest in guy that is so dramatic, indecisive and talks in hints and who seems to be so incompatible with you when it comes to how he acts in a relationship? I didn't understand how long it was the relationship... it seems to have been very intense and too much too soon... like seeing each other every day for 9 months... just too much, but by what you're telling us it doesn't seem to have been that long. Especially not long enough to plan living together. Promises are just promises... actions must be coherent with the words. It doesn't seem like the case.

 

You need to accept that he just doesn't want to be with you and is just making up excuses without letting you go off the hook and without seeming the bad guy. He might have mean the things he said, but he seems to have lots of issues. Too much too soon and it seems that he now lost interest but doesn't seem to want to tell you exactly why he wants to break up and is making up excuses. And if he likes hints so much he might be manipulative enough to still want to keep you emotionally attached. Maybe he likes the drama or maybe he wants to keep you there in case he wants to come back or his next relationship doesn't work. It could not be the case, but you never know.

 

It doesn't matter why he did it and it's not worth it to be rationalizing it or trying to understand... I know that it's a natural tendency of ours when someone does such a thing... I've been there and done it, but believe me it only prolongs the suffering. I know it's harsh but you should take things at face value and the message you should listen to and keep with you is that he doesn't want to be with you. That's what matters and is important to listen between all the bull he said. The sooner you realize this it'll be easier to move on. Also think about how it'd be having a long term stable relationship with a guy so complicated and emotionally messy like him. Would you really be happy or you're just idealizing him based on good moments in the past?

 

I just got kind of dizzy and annoyed by reading his dialogues... I think I wouldn't have the patience to deal with so much drama from a guy. Maybe in the past but not anymore. It just doesn't seem healthy.

 

No contact all the way.

 

Good luck!

[Wormtail]

Hearing all of this is super helpful, folks!!!

[Crystal Clear2]

Just reading it had me feeling all confused. His actions don't match his words.

Always go with actions. Words are meaningless without back up. Go full nc and be thankful he's gone.

You want steady not all crazy.

[empath]

I don't think that because he's all over the place he is/ was necessarily 'lying' (which indicates intent). I mean, none of us (except the OP, and she is also not in his head!) know him.

 

That doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with him, though. And I think you know that, and are more in a position of higher-brain recognizing that, while still being lower brain attached to him.

 

And of course it doesn't mean his behavior wouldn't be confusing to most people -- and probably to himself! If you're right that he's had issues all his life, and I'm guessing you have a sense, this is the manifestation. It does not make him a malicious or loathsome individual; it also doesn't make it crazy that you could love someone who is so hot-cold (or however one would describe it).

 

In his own way, he has detached from you, so it's kind of where it seems like it's going (of course, guys -- and this is more often guys -- can regret their decisions, as you indicate, and come back even years later! but this is not the more common course of things). That doesn't make your feelings disappear. It also sucks to be totally confused about the dumper's mindset, at least for some of us who ruminate upon it. I am 100% in this camp, and I find breakups much harder when they are confusing like this -- I'm going through it right now where I've received almost no (emotional) information. We can't control it, though. And I would guess that the confusion so manifest is also in the dumper's brain, and it's why they cannot communicate clearly what is going on. It sucks, but eventually we have to accept: they're confused, but not able to be/ desirous of being in a relationship with me.

 

I should also say that I've been on the other side -- I mean, I don't think I've been anywhere near how you have portrayed this guy, but I always wonder how my exes would portray me, and I usually guess it's nowhere near as valiant and upstanding as I see my own actions! Anyway, there have been times where I have had a hard time breaking it off because I truly did have feelings for the woman, but for various reasons didn't see it as lasting 'forever'... probably they were more confused about what was happening than I wanted/ intended (I don't know, I'm just speculating).

[Wormtail]

"Go full nc and be thankful he's gone.

You want steady not all crazy."

 

Very good points. I think I just need to hear all of this from as many people as possible. It is finally starting to sink in little by little.