My Issue

[Kantriakhor]

Back in October, I was dumped by my girlfriend of 10 years. The long and the short of it is that while I was what she needed, I wasn't who she wanted.

 

Life moves on, and I find myself having feelings for someone else, which is great, but I find I'm running into the same problem I think I've been running into time and time again.

 

I give out advice to my friends regularly, and I find that in my own life I make choices that I know are wrongs for me, but do so anyway so I can give advice later on how making the same choice I did was wrong.

 

One example being my 10-year high school reunion. I really wanted to go, but decided against it to see if I'd regret it... and I do, very much.

 

So now I'm stuck with these feelings that, logically, I believe won't be returned, but I know telling her how I feel, at worst, will allow me to move on... and yet I know I won't, I'll hold a torch for her until I don't, and all I'll be able to show for the regret of "what might have been" is the ability to really tell people how awful it is, and that life's too short, and that they should tell their crush how they feel.

 

It doesn't make the pain and the regret any more bearable.

[abitbroken]

I highly suggest counseling. I did a quick search and found you deal with depression, feeling responsible for people's deaths, etc, and I think there is so much someone can take until one wants a more optimistic partner that builds you up as well. I am sorry that she broke up with you, but maybe its time to get some professional help to try to turn things around for you.

[nutbrownhare]

I was what she needed

I give out advice to my friends regularly

so I can give advice later on how making the same choice I did was wrong

 

It seems your real problem is a deep-seated conviction that you know what's best for other people. This can be quite dangerous. Especially as you are causing yourself pain - with the express intent of being able to preach to others later.

 

This will not do you any good, let alone them!

[Matt3939]

OP I hear you. My problem has always been holding on to long knowing it's wrong. All my relationship's have been longer with an 8 and a 5 back to back. Now I'm 40 still never married. I don't think that horrible it's just life I guess. I'm all for telling people how I feel. I made that decision a long time ago. The problem is I always think it can work. I couldn't really tell what you wanted to tell her though. If it's something like you want to move the relationship fwd go for it.

[abitbroken]

It seems your real problem is a deep-seated conviction that you know what's best for other people. This can be quite dangerous. Especially as you are causing yourself pain - with the express intent of being able to preach to others later.

 

This will not do you any good, let alone them!

 

 

Yes. That's extremely codependent at best - creating a situation where people will stay because they "need" you at best and severe manipulation and control at worst

[Wiseman2]

Why not just enjoy having a crush? At best they'll feel awkward. At worst it puts you in the creepzone.

I know telling her how I feel, at worst, will allow me to move on... and yet I know I won't, I'll hold a torch for her until I don't, and all I'll be able to show for the regret of "what might have been" is the ability to really tell people how awful it is, and that life's too short, and that they should tell their crush how they feel.

[Kantriakhor]

Yes. That's extremely codependent at best - creating a situation where people will stay because they "need" you at best and severe manipulation and control at worst

 

I generally fade away after helping people, because I know if I stick around, I'll drag people down. I'm the opposite of a fair-weather friend in that I only come around when things need fixing, then remove myself to avoid tainting their lives. It's why I let my prior relationship end without an argument.

 

I do go to therapy, my therapist believes that I see myself as a burden because that's what I was raised to believe I was, and I know, logically, what to do, what I should/shouldn't do... I just seem unable to stop it.

[Kantriakhor]

Why not just enjoy having a crush? At best they'll feel awkward. At worst it puts you in the creepzone.

 

Rather not risk the latter, honestly.

 

To add:

 

Having a crush means, on some level, hoping for something truly wonderful. In my heart, I don't believe I deserve that. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

[Kantriakhor]

It seems your real problem is a deep-seated conviction that you know what's best for other people. This can be quite dangerous. Especially as you are causing yourself pain - with the express intent of being able to preach to others later.

 

This will not do you any good, let alone them!

 

It does feel, some days, like I'm burning myself at both ends. I keep running to help people, and leaving to avoid what usually happens where I drag them down.

[catfeeder]

I'm not clear what you're asking. What, specifically, do you want to say to someone, and to whom? What is your desired outcome in doing that?

[RainyCoast]

i am reading this is out of context, without having looked at your older threads-- it appears you only believe you have value for others when, with experiential proof, you can guide them around pitfalls.

 

what other ways to be of value to them can you think of?

[Kantriakhor]

I'm not clear what you're asking. What, specifically, do you want to say to someone, and to whom? What is your desired outcome in doing that?

 

I guess I just have a crush on someone and would like to tell them how I feel, and would like the outcome to be a relationship, but my aforementioned issues give me pause.

 

For one, I don't believe the feelings would be returned and, for another, if they were, I feel I'd only drag her down, another life I've helped ruin.

[Kantriakhor]

i am reading this is out of context, without having looked at your older threads-- it appears you only believe you have value for others when, with experiential proof, you can guide them around pitfalls.

 

what other ways to be of value to them can you think of?

 

That's the question isn't it? I know how to not drag people down but it's far easier and more reliable to just let them live life untainted by me.

 

Even at work, after a couple years I uproot and move on after I feel I've overstayed my welcome.

[RainyCoast]

can you help me make the connection between this problem ( the wish to guide others around difficulties : "don't do that, i did it and it was horrible, try this instead") and the current unvoiced crush?

 

i think you can find a solution you're comfortable with and able to pull off if you get the conflicted parts of yourself to cooperate, we just need to identify the conflicted parts.

 

what i hear is you would like a chance to have a relationship with this girl, but you fear you will become unsatisfying for her down the road, so best not even try it? do you think you suffer from the so called impostor syndrome? the fear that you're not as good as people believe you are, you're a fraud and it's just a matter of time before they catch on?

 

can you put your finger on what exactly makes you of no worth to others, or is it a feeling of just globally being useless without clear arguments to support the feeling that has always just been there? and then the only substance you can ever hope to have are these practical suggestions of what one needn't do?

[Kantriakhor]

can you help me make the connection between this problem ( the wish to guide others around difficulties : "don't do that, i did it and it was horrible, try this instead") and the current unvoiced crush?

 

i think you can find a solution you're comfortable with and able to pull off if you get the conflicted parts of yourself to cooperate, we just need to identify the conflicted parts.

 

what i hear is you would like a chance to have a relationship with this girl, but you fear you will become unsatisfying for her down the road, so best not even try it? do you think you suffer from the so called impostor syndrome? the fear that you're not as good as people believe you are, you're a fraud and it's just a matter of time before they catch on?

 

can you put your finger on what exactly makes you of no worth to others, or is it a feeling of just globally being useless without clear arguments to support the feeling that has always just been there? and then the only substance you can ever hope to have are these practical suggestions of what one needn't do?

 

The root of my problem would be my father, for about a decade he would physically, emotionally, sexually assault me. At one point I had no name, no identity, would just wake up, get beaten, cleaned, not clean good enough, raped, stomped, then thrown into a room until the next morning.

 

My family on the whole is superstitious. When I was born my twin didn't make it and my cousin died, this marked me as far as my family is concerned and even now they give me a wide berth.

 

So the reason I feel like I'll only ruin things is because that's what I was raised to believe, and have self-fulfilled in the past and find it's easier to just avoid getting close than to hurt more people.

[RainyCoast]

i see. i'm very sorry. my reason for the feeling of global worthlessness is past abuse too.

 

how much and what kind of help did you have for that? what helps me most is acknowledging i have a "functional self" that has valuable qualities. then there are traumatized parts of the self stuck at the time the trauma happened. those are too scared, ashamed etc to be efficient at stuff like functional relationships. this awareness helps me not identify with the "false selves" completely, and to use my most functional part of my personality to manage the rest of it. as time passes i gain more and more cooperation between these parts and that leaves me with only a few situations that can still trigger me to think/feel/act from the traumatized parts. when i am triggered, i just repeat the process of identifying which part was triggered, and how the part that continued to develop well after the trauma can help take charge of the triggering situation that makes me feel worthless. at first i thought it would be very difficult to achieve any integration, but in practice i was surprised to see it was quite easy and efficient. i am starting to believe i am not a p.o.s.

 

part of you internalized your abuser. a presence remains there that accepts the worthlessness. but then, you're an intelligent emphatic adult who knows that not to be the case. it helps to 1. externalize the harm. "my father abused me. my father was abusive. i was mistreated." and to reclaim your worth 2. no one deserves abuse and i certainly didn't. 3. to to remind yourself a part is just a part, and include it in your inner monologue but not let it direct it. "a part of me feels worthless. that part is X years old, abused by his father and because as a child it cannot bear to admit father isn't a loving parent, he tells himself he is the bad one. another part of me recognizes that abuse is a relational phenomenon, someone does the abusing, and the introjected brutality belongs to them".

 

it is very common when one of the children dies, that parents idealize the deceased child. to the other child, that comes off as they could never hope to reach the ghost's perfection. my mother idealized a miscarried baby that way, and i was never fully accepted, in the sense that i wasn't "THE child". the miscarried boy was "THE child". ironically, i was convinced (or convinced myself purposefully, i don't know) that the miscarried boy was me, that as a soul waiting to be born i simply didn't succeed in entering a fetus that would survive, so i came back a second time, trying to be born in a body that would survive. not sure how to explain it, perhaps as a child i thought i could convince my mother i was the child she wanted so much, and she would come to accept me fully. i even tried to act and look like a boy during some phases, as if i hoped she would see, that i could convince her that wanted child was me. again, it would be helpful to have someone explain this from a relational perspective, so as to point out how the family functioned as a system. then, when you're repeatedly shown what maladaptive coping mechanisms they used and why, in time you stop identifying with the negative effects that their poor coping and maladaptive behavior had on you.

 

systems therapy is very helpful with this, it can also be translated to individual use, by addressing the inner system or inner family as some therapists call it. it neutralizes the effects of these vicious introjects.

 

it took me a few years to start to disown the "badness". it seems like you're destined to feel this way, but you're not, it just takes an approach that works best for you. people find imagery rescription very helpful-- it made me feel even more frustrated, i couldn't even in fantasy believe there was a place where i was safe. that made me more paranoid and helpless. psychoeducation doesn't seem to draw many people, but it was life-saving for me. everyone reacts to different things, so keep looking up therapeutic modalities and self-help tips until something hits home for you.

 

externalizing the harm through speaking about it takes courage, i'm still not able to tell the full story so i find it admirable that you say exactly what happened to you. i don't know how much you have talked about it before, but if you are just starting to and feel comfortable with it, you can process it on ena time and again, until "i was abused" no longer translates to "i am worthless".

 

let us know how we can help.

[abitbroken]

You have a bit of a martyr complex. - you say you come into people's advice when they need your advice and then you step back so as to "not burden them" with you. I highly suggest reading up on codependency.

[Kantriakhor]

You have a bit of a martyr complex. - you say you come into people's advice when they need your advice and then you step back so as to "not burden them" with you. I highly suggest reading up on codependency.

 

I would agree my last relationship became quite codependent. It became more about what I could do more than just enjoying each others company.

[abitbroken]

I would agree my last relationship became quite codependent. It became more about what I could do more than just enjoying each others company.

 

Yes, you are not content with someone enjoying your company. You have to entangle yourself so they can't possible leave if they tried - not without much unentanglement.

 

Also, about the crush thing. I would just simply try to get to know them better or just talk to them. Do not declare your love. I have a feeling that you will make a dramatic statement out of the blue - the woman not having an inkling about your crush on her and being scared off. Instead of a man just asking me out or expressing interest in my interests, a guy who was in my circles told me that "from the moment he first talked to me/met me, he was bowled over with how, self assured, sharply funny and how sexy I was. To forget about what he just said because i was seeing someone, but he just wanted me to know." I stopped calling him after that because I couldn't possibly reciprocate and i was uncomfortable after. I did know him as far as a contact in the business and volunteer realm (didn't directly work with him). But it made me pull back and avoid him. Or if someone tells you that they love you and its from left field - you are not dating them, its not a small child or an elder you caretake for but someone with romantic interest - that strong declaration only works in the movies.

 

So do not burden someone with your declarations.

[Kantriakhor]

Yes, you are not content with someone enjoying your company. You have to entangle yourself so they can't possible leave if they tried - not without much unentanglement.

 

Also, about the crush thing. I would just simply try to get to know them better or just talk to them. Do not declare your love. I have a feeling that you will make a dramatic statement out of the blue - the woman not having an inkling about your crush on her and being scared off. Instead of a man just asking me out or expressing interest in my interests, a guy who was in my circles told me that "from the moment he first talked to me/met me, he was bowled over with how, self assured, sharply funny and how sexy I was. To forget about what he just said because i was seeing someone, but he just wanted me to know." I stopped calling him after that because I couldn't possibly reciprocate and i was uncomfortable after. I did know him as far as a contact in the business and volunteer realm (didn't directly work with him). But it made me pull back and avoid him. Or if someone tells you that they love you and its from left field - you are not dating them, its not a small child or an elder you caretake for but someone with romantic interest - that strong declaration only works in the movies.

 

So do not burden someone with your declarations.

 

I don't see myself telling her anything until, at least, I no longer hate myself.