Mixed Signals - opinions please?

[Cfender2]

So I'm a bit confused about a current dating situation and I was hoping to hear some opinions from people who are uninvolved and can give an outside perspective!

 

I've been dating a guy for 2 months now, really nice guy, we met through a mutual friend and have been spending time together since. He's very attentive, messaging me a lot, taking me on dates, cooking for me, and pays close attention to the things I say and takes an interest. He has expressed to me that he really likes me, and most recently took a long weekend off from work to spend with me too. All of these signs lead me to believe that we were heading for the official relationship route. It's been 2 months, I've spent every weekend with him, and later on have met him during the week also. He's introduced me to some of his close friends, and vice versa. And he himself has told me he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time, which is encouraging.

 

So I decided to bring up the 'Where is this going??' conversation. And he clammed up. I mean he made it pretty clear that he wasn't 'there' yet. It confused me, because up until this point he's been very warm and seemed genuinely into it, but after I brought this up it was almost like flicking a switch. He said he didn't feel we knew each other very well, and a relationship involves me knowing where he is all the time, and also bringing family into it. To be honest, it all sounded like little boy excuses to me. He said he didn't want a girlfriend when he met me and now he's not sure what to do. I should add, he is a bit younger than me. He is 24 and I am 27. I know that he's active on the dating scene and has seen a lot of women in the past because he's told me, but has assured me that since we have been dating he has only been out with me while we've been getting to know each other. I get the impression that he feels like being in a relationship may be taking something from him. He said he didn't want to stop seeing me, and that he would like to progress, but that at the moment he feels unsure about the relationship as its pressure and too soon..

 

Now i have been in this situation before, and i let it go on for quite a few more months and of course it ended in the 'I'm just not that into it' speech from the guy. I don't want that to happen again with this guy. I really like him, but does it just sound like I'm being taken for a ride here? I mean he's been so great up until this conversation, it really threw me to be honest.

 

Also, he has only been in one long term relationship before, at university when he was 20-22. I think it was first love and it didn't end well, she essentially left him and he later found out she'd been serial cheating on him. He has brought her up quite a bit, always negatively, I'm not sure if he's not over it or if it's just given him a negative perspective on relationships! Anyway he has dated around since but not met anyone he really likes, until me (apparently!).

 

Any views and advice would be greatly appreciated! I can't figure out what to make of this. Does it sound like he is into me, or not really? And if we do end up in a relationship, is it likely that he's going to have one eye on the exit? I'm not sure if I'm overthinking it or not!! Thanks!!

[Chloee1988]

So I'm a bit confused about a current dating situation and I was hoping to hear some opinions from people who are uninvolved and can give an outside perspective!

 

I've been dating a guy for 2 months now, really nice guy, we met through a mutual friend and have been spending time together since. He's very attentive, messaging me a lot, taking me on dates, cooking for me, and pays close attention to the things I say and takes an interest. He has expressed to me that he really likes me, and most recently took a long weekend off from work to spend with me too. All of these signs lead me to believe that we were heading for the official relationship route. It's been 2 months, I've spent every weekend with him, and later on have met him during the week also. He's introduced me to some of his close friends, and vice versa. And he himself has told me he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time, which is encouraging.

 

So I decided to bring up the 'Where is this going??' conversation. And he clammed up. I mean he made it pretty clear that he wasn't 'there' yet. It confused me, because up until this point he's been very warm and seemed genuinely into it, but after I brought this up it was almost like flicking a switch. He said he didn't feel we knew each other very well, and a relationship involves me knowing where he is all the time, and also bringing family into it. To be honest, it all sounded like little boy excuses to me. He said he didn't want a girlfriend when he met me and now he's not sure what to do. I should add, he is a bit younger than me. He is 24 and I am 27. I know that he's active on the dating scene and has seen a lot of women in the past because he's told me, but has assured me that since we have been dating he has only been out with me while we've been getting to know each other. I get the impression that he feels like being in a relationship may be taking something from him. He said he didn't want to stop seeing me, and that he would like to progress, but that at the moment he feels pressured by it.

 

Now i have been in this situation before, and i let it go on for quite a few more months and of course it ended in the 'I'm just not that into it' speech from the guy. I don't want that to happen again with this guy. I really like him, but does it just sound like I'm being taken for a ride here? I mean he's been so great up until this conversation, it really threw me to be honest.

 

Also, he has only been in one long term relationship before, at university when he was 20-22. I think it was first love and it didn't end well, she essentially left him and he later found out she'd been serial cheating on him. He has brought her up quite a bit, always negatively, I'm not sure if he's not over it or if it's just given him a negative perspective on relationships!

 

Any views and advice would be greatly appreciated! I can't figure out what to make of this. Thanks!!

 

Regardless of the negative experiences he may have had w/ relationships, it is absolutely your right to want to know where this relationship is going (especially after spending this much time with him).

 

If he's incapable of committing long term, then this is something you will need to consider and perhaps end it with him. If he's only looking for a FWB, it's also something you will have to consider. But you need to sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us! If you're not interested in wasting your time and are only looking for something serious, you need to make it very clear to him. If he's not on the same page as you, let him go. He may come back at a later point, but I personally wouldn't wait around until "he figures his out". You're not at his disposal!

 

It's been 2 years since his last relationship, at at this point he should have gotten over it but it seems like he's letting past experiences ruin future opportunities.

 

Good luck!

[ParisPaulette]

I was going to tell you to relax and maybe keep seeing the guy while seeing other people too, you know just keep dating and don't do anything long-term just yet.

 

And then we got to the whole speech about how his ex cheated on him - what two years ago and how he isn't over it, excuse, excuse, excuse. And that's when I changed my mind on my advice. Bottom line, it's been two years, if he isn't over it by now he needs to get over it in therapy and shouldn't be dating or in any way doing anything that smacks of wanting a serious relationship. And yes, pretty much being with you 24/7 instead of slow dating is indeed giving the impression of wanting something more.

 

It's just when you brought up where is this going suddenly he pulled the whole, "I don't want this to be a committed relationship," thing out. So that's a red flag, kind of a big one since he is indeed rushing things and yet then pulls the whole let's not rush things?

 

Sorry, I think it's time you tell him since it isn't a committed relationship and isn't heading there any time soon, and when he protests that tell him you aren't stupid, then it will be dialed back in favor or you making dates to see other people since what you want is a serious relationship. And he doesn't sound ready for that.

 

Be understanding, be empathic even. "Gee, so sorry you aren't over your ex, here's the number of a good therapist who can help." Then you go put your dating profile up, make other plans, and when he calls you tell him you are not available. And you find the guy who is currently ready to have something more serious who takes you seriously when you ask where this is going instead of falling into excuse land.

[katrina1980]

He actually said being in a relationship involves you wanting to know where he is 24/7?

 

How did you respond to that? Is this your MO? Needing him to be accountable every minute?

 

Some guys have such a distorted view of what a "relationship" entails, no wonder commitment-phobia is so prevalent among young men these days, it's ridiculous.

 

Things seemed to be going so well too, prior to your bringing this up.

 

I don't know how to advise you cause for me, I don't need to know "where it's going" and I can't stand *labels* either ... I simply enjoy what we have, continue spending time, enjoying each other, and let things develop gradually and naturally.

 

Ironically, this attitude has always lead to long term committed relationships.

[Cfender2]

Well when he said about the needing to know where he is all the time, I kind of laughed really. Because that is not my way at all, and I told him outright that's not what my idea of a relationship is. I found it strange he thought it was, because its a foreign idea to me. If someone wanted to know where I was all the time I'd find it annoying too.

 

I asked where it was going because I've been messed about before, and just wanted to get an idea on if we're on the same page. At the end of my day my feelings are involved.

[Cfender2]

Yes i agree with you. I told him I understood where he was coming from, and am happy to continue seeing each other. But also that if I feel later on its not really progressing I would have to spare my feelings and let it go. Just honesty really, i didn't say it in a threatening way, but wanted to be assertive about looking after myself.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's into you and it's going well for 2 mos of dating. Dating is the getting to know you, having fun phase. What was the relationship talk about? It sounds like you are dating exclusively.

 

He's correct that at 2 mos in you don't know each other that well. Agree that too much too soon is a red flag. However he seems to not want anything official and would prefer something evolving more organically or casual exclusive dating for now.

 

You can proceed with caution, but if he says he doesn't want "official" relationship pressures, believe him.

It's been 2 months, I've spent every weekend with him. All of these signs lead me to believe that we were heading for the official relationship route. He said he didn't want a girlfriend when he met me and now he's not sure what to do. He is 24 and I am 27.he would like to progress, but that at the moment he feels unsure about the relationship as its pressure and too soon..

[Matt3939]

I'd be worried about the 24/7 comment. I could care less where my SO other is as long as it's not something fishy. As long as I can get in contact if need be. I think the question is have you slept with him yet? Maybe he's just trying to get to that.

[Cfender2]

Ha, yes we have slept together. That bit has been awesome!

 

His last girlfriend sounded like a bit of a hand full, having a go at him in public, picking fights etc. I think that might be where he's got this 23/7 stuff from. Anyway he generally messages me first, which is why i was surprised he thought I'd be acting like his PA or something.

 

 

I'd be worried about the 24/7 comment. I could care less where my SO other is as long as it's not something fishy. As long as I can get in contact if need be. I think the question is have you slept with him yet? Maybe he's just trying to get to that.

[Wiseman2]

Either he's ready to date or have a relationship..or not. It seems having all this ex baggage makes him enjoy dating but shun relationships.

 

If he were totally into you or ready for a relationship, he wouldn't let the "my ex treated me so bad boohoo" wall be built in the way of things.

His last girlfriend sounded like a bit of a hand full, having a go at him in public, picking fights etc. I think that might be where he's got this 23/7 stuff from

[Cfender2]

Yes that's what I think too. He hasn't said himself its the ex thats the problem, I've just started to notice him bring up their relationship and her ill doings a lot...at first i thought it was just him telling me about his past, which is normal. But I feel it comes up in conversation a little often on his side which has made me think.

 

I agree if he liked me enough he'd go for it, that's why I'm confused as both his actions and words have suggested he does like me enough until I brought it up. Maybe time to just let it go then

 

 

Either he's ready to date or have a relationship..or not. It seems having all this ex baggage makes him enjoy dating but shun relationships.

 

If he were totally into you or ready for a relationship, he wouldn't let the "my ex treated me so bad boohoo" wall be built in the way of things.