He made me move out and wanted to stay together

[Kaerbear]

Hello, I am American and went abroad for school. To a country that does not speak English. Here I met my boyfriend of the last year and a half(m33, f27). It started out like a fairytale and he said he'd never leave me. After a year together he asked me to move in while we looked at nicer/bigger places that could be ours together. While living together he seemed to expect me to clean and cook and buy groceries. The decision had been that since I'm a student at the moment I'd buy groceries and home supplies solely, instead of paying rent (which actually ends up costing more than half the rent anyways(rent is cheap in this city)) we began having troubles because he seemed to expect me to do all the house stuff since he works full time. I thought it was fair to do most of it but also wanted help. Even though I am a full time MA student and also have school work. Constant disagreements happened and I constantly felt unheard and blamed. I thought about moving out but thought that would just cause more problems and felt we should just work on things. He ended up asking me to move out after only 6 weeks living together. He suggested it would only be temporary until we cooled down. I agreed. Since I can't speak the language and people are a little weird renting to foreigners, I had a really hard time finding something and it was way more money than I had thought since I the plan for me to stay in country was to live with him. He was really uncaring while this happened and I felt alone and very vulnerable and scared. He did not sympathize and instead blamed it on my being argumentative when we did live together. I just say that I didn't think it was fair for me to always keep my mouth shut when I think the way he treats me, or acts is unfair. And when he ignores me or refuses to compromise, I tend to yell. It's been 5 months and he still does not want to live together. Since I moved out the relationship has blown up and is basically destroyed. I just constantly feel rejected and ignored. Each week that passes makes me resent him more. And we spend the night together basically every night but it is more difficult/uncomfortable since our things are at our own separate places. And we live 30 minutes away from each other. He didn't apologize until I basically begged him to apologize about having me move out (which meant it didn't feel like an apology) and he does not take any/much fault for our problems. Just recently he did finally admit to expecting too much from me( I waited 5 months for that admittance). He also makes no plans to move in together. He keeps saying he wants to have kids with me but then I think "how could I have kids with someone who made me move out, does not want to live with me, won't forgive or apologize" and who put me in such a crappy situation to where I do not feel safe with him. I'm finishing school now and think it will be a challenge to find work since I'm still not good at the language. So now I'm just thinking of leaving and breaking up/moving on. I'm not sure how others would respond in my position? He's a really great guy. Adorable, sweet, responsible, successful and attractive. Everything I could have hoped for but I'm a modern woman and it seems like he just wants someone that's more of a housewife even though he denies that when I suggest it. He says women have a certain place and men another. I cherish the relationship we had but after these last months it is so much more different/unfun. I've worked hard and have an advanced degree (he does too) and definitely plan to find a great job but he doesn't seem to support that nor believe that I want to pay my own way. Even though he seems to have traditional views on gender roles he does not want to support me, pay for dinner open doors etc which I find contradictory. Since I am a modern women that would be more fine but since he's expecting more domestic things from me it just makes me think he wants his cake and eat it too.

He also just seems to see the situation at the moment and doesn't have faith in the future and of us growing together.. or so it seems. I always had faith we'd work through things but how he is acting with the living together or staying apart really makes me dislike him.

So the questions are:

Is he acting in a way that is stubborn or immature? Is it selfish? Is the fact that he still does not want to live together fair? And should I still be patient that he could compromise more in the future? Is there some growing up to do?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's not worth trying to be with him or fix this.

 

Never move in with someone because it looks like a bargain or seems convenient and when you are at a disadvantage.

Especially if it is their place and they intentionally do not put you on the lease and instead ask you to pay an equal amount in "other things", rather than writing a check out to "rent".

 

His asking you to move out was the end, not a cooling off period. Can you get help at the US embassy or in your training program at work or school? Can you move back home? Have you told friends, family, colleagues what happened?

 

He dumped you on the street in a foreign country. End it.

I met my boyfriend of the last year and a half m33, f27. He ended up asking me to move out after only 6 weeks living together. I moved out the relationship has blown up and is basically destroyed and put me in such a crappy situation to where I do not feel safe with him. I'm just thinking of leaving and breaking up/moving on.

[mfrankie1]

What country?

[ParisPaulette]

I'm just going to be blunt here. You moved in together, it was a disaster, and you two couldn't even handle living together beyond six weeks. I'm not sure why you think marrying the guy and having kids with him would even be an option? You think it's bad now? Add a couple of babies into the mix, you locked in with a marriage and not as free to up and leave if you like, do you really think he would suddenly change and make a better husband than he was just a live-in boyfriend? Nope. He's just going to be a thousand times worse than he is now, so say goodbye to any freedom if you marry him.

 

Also when we say cooking and cleaning, I can't imagine how that would even be the source of arguments. Unless he lives in a mansion and expected it to be spotless daily and have 3-course meals served to him what exactly was his idea of cooking and cleaning and was it different to yours? I mean, I cook, I clean, I run a business and take care of animals and an elderly woman who thinks she's 2 years old again. Plus a teenager. And my house stays pretty clean, everyone gets fed, I still have time to do the other things. So what exactly was he asking you to do and do you feel it was beyond or excessive to what one normally would do?

 

Regardless of who was reasonable or not this is who he is and you've just been given a pretty clear view of what life with him is like if you stay. Plus the whole dumping you out to find your way in a foreign country, yeah that's not cool. Is he going to just leave you on street corners whenever you have a fight?

 

I'm sorry, but this is too much drama and he showed you who he really is, not the niceness at the beginning which everyone does, but what he feels is his right, how he has no empathy, and how willing he is to let the woman he supposedly loves struggle on her own in a foreign city if she dares to anger him.

 

Is that really the kind of relationship you want? Because it's the one you already have at a stage when you should've been over the moon happy together and still thrilled to even be together. It's only downhill from here if you stay. You were living somewhere before, you weren't always dependent on him, so it's time to go back and do what you were doing to begin with, end things with him, don't look back.

 

And next time don't move in with them right away no matter how good they make it sound. There really is truth to that old saying "too good to be true."

[Kaerbear]

Thank you Wiseman2 and Parispaullette.

 

I really appreciate your replies.

 

Wiseman2: as far as answering your questions at the end, during most of our relationship it was smooth sailing and i really had no need to talk to anyone about problems. The things that happened shortly after moving in actually came out of nowhere for me. I really didn't think the arguments were such a big deal. But I guess in his family they don't argue, in mine it's reallly not a big problem and you just get over it. When he did start acting grumpy and finally asked me to move out I was so shocked and too embarrassed to talk to anyone. When I finally did talk to my family my parents urged me (and still do to this day) to make it work. They really liked him. My siblings were back and forth and friends are the same age as me and know me so I wasn't sure if their support was so unbiased but they didn't like what was happening. With what you both have to say I feel more confident about the decision. I actually did not have any friends here when I moved in with him, I had no one. Since my program took me abroad a lot.. I didn't get to know this country so well.

 

I will also keep your other suggestions in mind.

 

And ParisPaullette: for the sake of some anonymity and a shorter passage I left out a lot of detail that could answer some of your questions. yeah it wasn't supposed to be such a huge issue about cleaning I was just worried that this would become the trend for forever: that he expected me to do it for him. It also made it worse when I did do these things like cook and clean for him and when he got home many times he would make passive aggressive comments insinuating that i am lazy. He actually did use the words "lazy" and "you" in the same sentence. It was sort of a slap in the face. And also I am not used to so much home matainance. He's a the kind of guy that uses a new glass each time he gets water and a new towel every time he showers so yeah it was surprisingly a lot considering it was just us two. I also don't usually eat much or have dinner(usually just one meal a day for me) so the cooking was mainly for him and he really did not seem to appreciate it so it was another sort of slap in the face.

 

They were little things that I thought we could get past but i guess he was just grumpy and maybe it was not even those things, it was something else for him. But I did not see it coming( that he would ask me to move out) at all. I was still at this point, over the moon and the most in love I had ever been with him. And when he did, he said it was because he wanted to save our relationship and that maybe we had moved in too soon. I think that since we were already living together we should just work through things that became an issue. In the end I don't think it was the cleaning or arguments it was the resentment and lost trust caused by the move out. That caused even more problems and wedged a gap between us.

 

Again thank you Wiseman2 and Parispaullete!

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps they mean finishing your program, not being the maid of someone who kicked you onto the streets?

When I finally did talk to my family my parents urged me (and still do to this day) to make it work.

[Kaerbear]

Hi Wiseman2

 

No it wasn't studies they referred to. It was that they think he's a good guy and wanted me to work it out with him.