Soon to be 21 and struggling

[Salame]

For starters, I am 20 (21 in a few weeks), in college, and play in a rock band. In general my life is good, but there is one thing which continues to trouble me. To this day, I am still a virgin and have never really had a serious girlfriend, and I am sick and tired of it. I believe that I am becoming too old to still be in this situation, and lately I have been worrying that time is running out to try and fix this problem before it’s too late. Still being this way makes me feel terribly insecure, and I want this year to be the one in which I put an end to this once and for all. I have told myself that if I remain single and a virgin when I turn 22 then I will give up on the whole prospect forever.

 

I have had some limited amount of experience with girls, though none I consider worthwhile. Starting when I was 19, I have gone out with three girls, but nothing worked out. The first two both stopped hanging out with me after about a week or so because I was so inexperienced and insecure. The third was around longer and was really into me, but I wasn’t really attracted to her so I broke it off before things got serious. All three of them approached me first and the farthest I got with any of them was third base. I still have yet to find a girl with whom I have a genuine connection.

 

I have realized that there are several distinct obstacles which impede me in my bid to end this situation. The first is that I simply have no real way of consistently meeting women. All three girls mentioned in the previous paragraph I met through chance encounters where they approached me. My social circle is very small (I only ever really hang out with the rest of my band), and as a result I haven’t been able to meet girls through mutual friends. Dating sites/apps haven’t worked either, and I don’t know what I can do to meet women whom I may be interested in. In addition, I am quite shy around girls, and I believe that this in combination with my level of inexperience will drive them away. Lastly, I feel I am quite strange compared to most people. I don’t really like the whole party scene, I am somewhat introverted and solitary, and my interests/hobbies besides playing music are somewhat unusual as well (I learn ancient languages and brew my own mead for fun, to name two examples).

 

All in all, I want more than anything to finally put a stop to all of this. I really don’t want to be single for yet another year, but I have no idea what to do and I feel stuck in this situation. Could anyone possibly give me some pointers as to how I can break out of this purgatory and finally find a nice girl? Any advice is much appreciated.

[angrythoughts]

Well in order to find girls you'd have to get out your comfort zone. Youd have to put yourself out there as opposed to staying in and just chillen with the band.

 

Also, being a virgin at 21 is rare, but not bad. My friend lose his virginity in college and my girl is 26 and still a virgin and has never had a boyfriend. You're still super young.

 

You can join random groups and attend them. There's this website called meetup.com . It's not a dating site and I'm not even sure if this kind of thing attracts the younger crowd, but you can make an account and attend different get together a pertaining to your interest.

 

Be more social! It takes practice.

[Clio]

Sounds like you need to change focus. Focusing on losing your virginity by age 22 sounds stressing and negative. Finding a nice girl whenever possible is a more positive goal. You cannot put a timeline to this unless you go to a sex professional. Expecting to find someone nice without exiting the comfort zone of your current habits sounds lazy. You are in college. There are a ton of groups to join, parties to attend, volunteering you can do. Meeting new people will increase the odds. However, you do need to drop your focus on getting laid just so that you lose your V card. Focusing on meeting new nice people and trying out new things will get you there in a much more positive fun way.

[nutbrownhare]

If you're really desperate to get laid, unfortunately this will show in all sorts of subtle ways and is a turnoff. Also, 21 isn't old. I know plenty of people who didn't start having sex until they were well into their 20's.

 

As others have said, get out of your comfort zone because demonstrably it isn't working for you - but do so in the hope of meeting all sorts of people and widening your horizons, and building up connections through shared interests. When you say you're interested in ancient languages, and brewing mead - is archaeology one of your interests, too? There are loads of possibilities there!

 

Stop the focus on losing your virginity, and take the opportunities to get out and about and experience new things. Chances are, everything will fall into place.

[Gary Snyder]

You are in a rock band? You won't be single for long, girls love musicians.

[radiance]

I think you're approaching this the wrong way. By setting yourself a time limit you're just putting more pressure on yourself and may end up rushing into something that's not good for you.

 

There's no rush. You have plenty of time. Just be patient. Get out and meet people, I'm sure playing in a band you meet a lot of other musicians and people who go along to your shows, so keep an open mind about chatting to people and making connections through that.

 

It's better to wait and meet someone you're really into, rather than forcing something with someone else.

 

Best of luck. You seem like a nice person, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[qwaspolk82]

For starters, I am 20 (21 in a few weeks), in college, and play in a rock band. In general my life is good, but there is one thing which continues to trouble me. To this day, I am still a virgin and have never really had a serious girlfriend, and I am sick and tired of it. I believe that I am becoming too old to still be in this situation, and lately I have been worrying that time is running out to try and fix this problem before it’s too late. Still being this way makes me feel terribly insecure, and I want this year to be the one in which I put an end to this once and for all. I have told myself that if I remain single and a virgin when I turn 22 then I will give up on the whole prospect forever.

 

I have had some limited amount of experience with girls, though none I consider worthwhile. Starting when I was 19, I have gone out with three girls, but nothing worked out. The first two both stopped hanging out with me after about a week or so because I was so inexperienced and insecure. The third was around longer and was really into me, but I wasn’t really attracted to her so I broke it off before things got serious. All three of them approached me first and the farthest I got with any of them was third base. I still have yet to find a girl with whom I have a genuine connection.

 

I have realized that there are several distinct obstacles which impede me in my bid to end this situation. The first is that I simply have no real way of consistently meeting women. All three girls mentioned in the previous paragraph I met through chance encounters where they approached me. My social circle is very small (I only ever really hang out with the rest of my band), and as a result I haven’t been able to meet girls through mutual friends. Dating sites/apps haven’t worked either, and I don’t know what I can do to meet women whom I may be interested in. In addition, I am quite shy around girls, and I believe that this in combination with my level of inexperience will drive them away. Lastly, I feel I am quite strange compared to most people. I don’t really like the whole party scene, I am somewhat introverted and solitary, and my interests/hobbies besides playing music are somewhat unusual as well (I learn ancient languages and brew my own mead for fun, to name two examples).

 

All in all, I want more than anything to finally put a stop to all of this. I really don’t want to be single for yet another year, but I have no idea what to do and I feel stuck in this situation. Could anyone possibly give me some pointers as to how I can break out of this purgatory and finally find a nice girl? Any advice is much appreciated.

 

I was 20 when I lost my virginity. Who cares? There's no time limit to lose your virginity. If you just want to not be a virgin then just go have sex with some random girl so you're not a virgin anymore.

 

You're not going to meet women by only hanging out with your bandmates, you have to open yourself up more. I know it's hard. I used to be super shy as a kid and through high school. You don't have to "party" to meet women. Find a Meetup group or whatever that's called that has interests similar to yours. It's honestly all up to you.

 

Who said there was a time limit to lose your virginity? There isn't one. I didn't care that I was 20 when I lost my virginity. My best friend lost hers at 15 and dated that guy for five years. She spent all of high school with one guy. Who's a loser. She broke up with him for good and is happily married. I was a little jealous she did all those things before me as I'm older than her. Dating, sex, etc. But I'm glad that I was a virgin until I was 20. I didn't have to worry about being a teenage mom. I didn't have the stress of a relationship since I wasn't popular (guys didn't bang down my door). But since I have done those things - sex, dating, marriage - I look back and am soooo glad I didn't have that BS in high school to deal with.

 

Honestly if you just want to say you're not a virgin anymore just go find a random hook up. If you want it to be "special" then you have to get out there and open yourself up to someone.

[Salame]

You are in a rock band? You won't be single for long, girls love musicians.

 

Even though I'm in a band it hasn't worked like that. My band typically plays until closing, when there's no one left anyway. Even if we do end our sets earlier I still have to help get our equipment back into the van, so I can't really talk to anyone. Also the overwhelming majority of our audiences are men.

[abitbroken]

At 21, I had gone on ONE date with a guy. No boyfriend. Just a blind date. I didn't kiss anyone either, at that age. Don't despair. people that are in high school and early 20s "talk big". I bet a lot of your friends don't have the "experience" they say they do. And the media hypes it big that EVERYONE is having sex early. Don't believe it.

[SnowFox]

If meeting girls is your priority, then ask yourself: how many hours per week are you investing in this goal?

 

Think about it like this- if you had a friend who said he needed a job, and he told you he was spending 20 minutes per week looking for one, what would you think of that? What if he was spending 10 hours a week? Which approach do you think would yield more results?

 

You can meet someone anywhere, but it helps to increase your odds.

 

So, first- you've got to invest the time.

 

But even more important- you've got to prioritize target-rich environments.

 

This means- think about the types of girls who might be interested in a guy like you- a guy with quirky interests, on the shy side, a musician. Then you've got to figure out where you can spend time that will put you near girls like that.

 

Another way to think about target-rich environments is to think about where are lots of girls your age hanging out and available to talk to guys. So a library is not a good choice, even if you love books. Girls typically have their head buried in a book there, and are not really available to talk.

 

One more point- there is research that shows that people tend to be more attracted to people they recognize, than total strangers. So rather than showing up at random events, you need to start going to places where you will see the same people at least on a semi-regular basis. I think for shy folks this would be even more true that they would start to gradually relax and be open to chatting with someone who they've noticed before.

 

As for your shyness, you have to gradually push yourself past it. Anxiety feeds off avoidance. The more you avoid something the stronger your anxiety about it will be. This is true for spiders, heights, and talking to girls. Its all the same. The more you push yourself to do something, the easier it gets. Your brain gradually calms down and it becomes a habit rather than a scary thing.

 

Anyway, hope some of that helps... this is a great blog which I think will help you even more: