He asked if I've ever been abused!

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe most of this is my fault, I wish I understood how to deal with things that make me uncomfortable. I'm starting to feel like I suck at dating and maybe I should just go back to counseling and forget about it. There are so many things I like about him, but I'm so scared of him ending up being like my ex. He asked me if he reminded me of anyone who treated me poorly in the past, and when I told him "no", he said because he isn't one of these people.

 

One, YES YOU SHOULD go back to counseling. No maybes.

 

Two, just say "no" if you don't want to do something. If you want to be super nice about it, say "No thanks!" And then hold to it.

[Lostinlove31]

On the flip side he could've asked because in the past he dated women who been abused before and something could have triggered them such as inviting himself out to your event.

 

Now it seems he is pulling back a bit based off he didn't make plans like normal. The women i dated in the past had been emotionally and physically abused and as soon as they start falling in love they would get scare and be shocked by how i continued to treat them respectively and lovingly which in turned left me with them breaking up with me. Last girlfriend broke up with me because "I'm not used to being treated that way, and I rather be alone rest of my life."

 

Anyway the only real choice is discussing it with him and analyzing yourself.

[LadyBug1988]

Now it seems he is pulling back a bit based off he didn't make plans like normal. The women i dated in the past had been emotionally and physically abused and as soon as they start falling in love they would get scare and be shocked by how i continued to treat them respectively and lovingly which in turned left me with them breaking up with me. Last girlfriend broke up with me because "I'm not used to being treated that way, and I rather be alone rest of their life.

 

He has actually been texting me all day and asked if he could take me to dinner tonight. When I said "no", he asked when I was free so now we have plans for Thursday.

 

Your quote about them breaking up with you out of fear is 100% the way I'm feeling about him. He's so loving and attentive and nobody has ever been so nice to me. I was hoping he'd do something completely foul to run me off, but I don't think he's going to. I'm scared of getting too used to his kindnesses because if he ever did a 360, it would terrify and crush me.

[Lostinlove31]

He has actually been texting me all day and asked if he could take me to dinner tonight. When I said "no", he asked when I was free so now we have plans for Thursday.

 

Your quote about them breaking up with you out of fear is 100% the way I'm feeling about him. He's so loving and attentive and nobody has ever been so nice to me. I was hoping he'd do something completely foul to run me off, but I don't think he's going to. I'm scared of getting too used to his kindnesses because if he ever did a 360, it would terrify and crush me.

See. That's what I mean. You used go jerks and all and the fear of the 180 is scary. You risk losing a good thing that way. Yoh are basing of past and what ifs

[katrina1980]

He has actually been texting me all day and asked if he could take me to dinner tonight. When I said "no", he asked when I was free so now we have plans for Thursday.

 

Your quote about them breaking up with you out of fear is 100% the way I'm feeling about him. He's so loving and attentive and nobody has ever been so nice to me. I was hoping he'd do something completely foul to run me off, but I don't think he's going to. I'm scared of getting too used to his kindnesses because if he ever did a 360, it would terrify and crush me.

 

I really DON'T want to think bad thoughts about this guy, but texting you ALL DAY sounds a bit obsessive to me. How many texts and why was he texting you all day? Were you not responding back?

 

Anyway, I am not saying this guy is a controller/abuser, BUT just so you are aware, the part I have bolded is what controllers/abusers do so as to get you to become so emotionally dependent on them (their attentiveness, kindness, caring) that when they do switch and pull a 180, even though you are hurt, terrified and crushed, by then, you are too emotionally dependent on them to leave.

 

That is their MO.

 

Course there are men like lostinlove too, who are genuinely kind and caring.... and will continue to be, so let's hope your guy is more like lostinlove!

 

Anyway, again not saying your guy is a bad guy (I don't know him, just going by what you have written and my experiences) I just wanted to mention it so you would be AWARE.

 

I am glad you asserted yourself and said no, and that he took it "well" and asked when you "are" free.

 

That was very respectful and a good sign.

 

So be aware, keep eyes wide open, pay attention and observe.

 

And have fun Thursday, keep us posted!

[abitbroken]

As an abuse survivor, I see the red flags. He came on hot and heavy very quickly. You said you were cooling things down, yet you were together ALL weekend - friday, saturday AND SUNDAY. that's not cooling off. Cooling off is going on a proper date on the weekend and no sleepover, or even perhaps an additional night during the week to meet for dinner if that. Sometimes you just click with someone - but the difference between my abusive ex and my Mr Right is that when I met my guy, we went out on a sunday, then gradually started integrating eachother into eachother's schedules as we got to know eachother for. if he had a family function one weekend, i didn't get invited because we were newly going out, etc. As the obligations he made prior to meeting me started to fall off, we saw eachother more. Whereas my abusive ex it was fast and then he pushed me away.

 

My abusive ex was quite the charmer when it came to my friends.

 

I understand being afraid when someone actually treats you right. I get the whole being in puppy love and not wanting to wait to see eachother.

 

But I really think you need to keep your eyes and ears open and dial this back to proper dates.

 

Have you ever gone to counseling after your abusive relationships at all?

[ParisPaulette]

As someone who counseled people leaving abusive relationships can I just tell you everything about this guy screams manipulative potentially abusive person. Including nosy personal questions that no one BUT your therapist has a right to ask.

 

I'm not even going to soft soap this one - he wants your abuse history, so he can know what to manipulate you with and hold against you in the future. Not to mention he wants to introvert you, put you on the defensive, make you start double questioning yourself on everything, for the sole and only purpose of making you not look more closely at the things he's doing. And instead assume you're doing things wrong or acting in some way that is bad or wrong or needs others to question you about what has happened to you.

 

Ever see a kid in school who watches a star athlete then walks up to them and says something like, "Why do you hold the ball like that? Did your grandmother tell you that's how it's done, 'cause it's not. Everyone knows that." And then the kid starts to think about it, then tries to hold the ball differently, and now suddenly he's not able to play the game that he was effortlessly, with no thought to what he might be doing that is wrong or bad or different from others. And suddenly he's just not a good athlete anymore?

 

Yeah, that's what questions like this one remind me of. Because now suddenly here you are double guessing yourself and whether you telling this guy to slow things down is the wrong thing to do or what's wrong with you. When what you should be doing is picking up the phone and telling him, "You stop ignoring my boundaries and you do not come over to my place at all, and we go on one date a week or that's it, I won't see you again. I said dial things back, you're ramping them up which shows a massive lack of respect for my boundaries and space. Don't do it again."

 

And if he shows up at your front door, you tell him to get lost or you will call the cops. And shut the door in his face and do just that, rather than give in and let him cling to you like yesterday's saran wrap.

 

Hijacking your day when you had other things planned, pushing the relationship along at breakneck speed, these are all warning signs of someone who is rushing to get control of you and lock you in. And that usually doesn't bode well.

 

Plus anyone with half a brain knows you don't just up and ask people "Were you ever abused?" out of nowhere. My retort to questions like that used to be things like, "Why, do you get off on that sort of thing?" back in their face to put them on the defensive and to back off.

 

I'm sorry, but really if you keep dating this one you're in for a very bad to abusive time. He's just so full of red flags I don't know how you're even able to stand the glare. And I'm trying to be kind here, but didn't the hair stand up on the back of your neck when he asked that?

 

Yeah, that's your gut letting you know something is really off with this fellow. Pay attention to it or even better act on it and cut him out now.

 

P.S. DancingFool is right. Learn to say NO and mean it and stick to it. Because manipulative and abusive people look for and glom right on to the person who can't or won't say no. You need to read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and apply it, hard, to situations exactly like this one.

 

P.P.S. I can't say for sure this guy is abusive, BUT all of the red flags are there, your gut is telling you something is off, and he's asking you for information out of the blue that I have never seen anyone but therapists and manipulative people ask for that has nothing to do with anything. How does you asking for space suddenly equate to you being abused or does he get off on that or why in the hell would he even ask that. You need to go on the attack about those things, "Whoa hey I'm dating you, you aren't a therapist, and it's none of your business. Knock it off!"