My boyfried who is divorced is afraid of marrying again!

[Snowbird1]

So, I've been dating this guy for a year and a half and we're very happy, have a lot of fun together, date exclusively, have met the families, etc. He's been married before (divorced for 2.5-3 years) but he was burned pretty badly by his ex. Last weekend he tells me that he's not really sure if he ever wants to get married again and that he just doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't really want to break up but he doesn't want to hold me back either because he knows that's what I want and wants me to be happy. I'm not getting any younger (I'm in my early 30's) but I'm so in love with him and can't picture being with anyone else. Do I wait around for him to figure out what he wants in life? Or do I cut my losses and try to find someone who also wants marriage/family/etc? Any advice??

[Meow18]

Thats a difficult one. It hasn't been that long since his divorce, so I'm sure he's still recovering. He might be over his ex, but he's not over being scared of getting married again. I would think that in time, he will realize that it's ok to get married again. You just have to stay around and show him that you guys can work it out if you do get married. Has he seen anyone, like maybe someone who could help him get over it?

 

Then there's the possibility that he might never want to get married again, even after a couple of years. I think you should talk with him about it. Explain to him why you think your relationship is different than his past marriage. Maybe you resolve things better? Tell him that you want a family with him (if you do of course). You have only been together for a year and a half, which isn't that long at all. I think he just needs time, but I think you should talk to him about it.

[DN]

I seem to have said this a number of times this week. Many men are not afraid of marriage and commitment - they are afriad of divorce. Triple that fear if they have been divorced before.

[Hope75]

I would have to really think long and hard about this one before coming to a decision.

 

He has a legitimate reason for being afraid, but are you willing to sacrafice your desire to marry and have a family to be with him?

 

I am struggling with this myself, my bf and I broke up in Nov after 2 years living together, he said he loved me but didn't see himself marrying me. We have since gotten back together, I am not living with him, and the marriage topic hasn't come up.

 

I am wondering, am I willing to give up something I believe I want to be with him, whom I want more then anything in the world? Is it worth the risk to wait and see if he comes around and if not, start over? I am rapidly approaching 30 and feeling some pressure to figure out what is going to happen in my love life, but at the same time, I care about this man so much and to me he is so much of my life, I can't imagine it without him as my partner.

 

So...... I haven't answered your question, but maybe given you some food for thought.

[Snowbird1]

I guess I'm hoping that if we stay together and things keep going this well that he'll change his mind and want to get married. I don't know if that's asking too much though...

[Mun]

Last weekend he tells me that he's not really sure if he ever wants to get married again and that he just doesn't know what he wants.

 

I think this is going to be very difficult for you to do, but if you are very serious about getting married then this is the wrong guy for you. Could he change his mind? Sure, anything is possible.

 

One thing I don't like about what he said is that he just doesn't know what he wants. When a mans says that to me it makes me think he just doesn't want me...why>? because I think for the right girl... he would throw caution to the wind and get serious or risk losing her.

 

You've been with him for a year and a half... How much longer are you willing to wait and find out?

 

I see it like this: You want to get married, then date only marriage-minded men.

[DN]

Muneca said:

 

I see it like this: You want to get married, then date only marriage-minded men.

 

But according to the 2000 Census, there are currently about 11 million people living with an unmarried partner in the U.S. This includes both same-sex and different-sex couples.

 

There are 9.7 million Americans living with an unmarried different-sex partner and 1.2 million American living with a same-sex partner. 11% of unmarried partners are same-sex couples.

 

The number of unmarried couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000.

- U.S. Census Bureau, 2000

 

The number of unmarried couples living together has increased tenfold between 1960 and 2000.

 

The fact is many people are not getting married - and that will reduce the number of marriage minded men. I am not saying Muneca is wrong, she is probably right. But marriage is not the norm any longer and many people see no reason to get married.

[d346]

That's a tough call. Chances are, he may marry again, but are you willing to wait for however long it may be until he feels comfortable with the idea (and preferably excited about it!)

 

It's tough if you love him. I've been there. I do have affirm that if you see marriage in your future, don't give up on it. I never believed it was an unecessary institution or a "just a piece of paper". It is important to me, and no one can really convince me to feel otherwise.

 

as for the census numbers, at the top of my head I can think of 4 unmarried couples living together, three of which bought homes together. In the past 6 months, two just got engaged, one just married, and the other, although not formally engaged has talked about what they would do for a wedding as well as have casually visited the jewelry stores...

 

so although traditions have changed, and it is more common to live unwed, I still see people eventually wanting to tie the knot.

[Cecelius]

How long was he married for and/or how miserable was he? Did he marry young?

 

Also, I can't claim to speak for all men, but to me I would never dream of committing to get married until I'd dated, exclusively, the girl for three years at a minimum. A lot of men feel the same way.

 

I'm divorced, young 30s and dating a younger woman who's never been married. One of my favorite things about what we're up to is the dating -- that we're together because we WANT to be. He may (and I don;t know his situation) have developed a bad sense that marriage means obligation (no-upside) rather than a caring committment.

 

He may also suffer from a common view men have: the suspicion that it is the status/institution that the girl is after and not so much him as a human.

 

For most men, the answer to all of these things is drama-free time. So it's really a question of what you can afford to give him.