turning "too nice" after getting into the relationship (problem)

[jmann45]

I recently posted a thread about a thing i have with another woman. This post is reguarding my own problem.

Ive noticed that when i meet new people, they love me and my whitty jokes with my semi-cocky sense of humor and personality. Especially girls, they love when im like that. And they find a liking to me. I recently met a girl who hung out with me alot before we established anything. Everytime we hung out, i would be the normal ol' me, cocky.. joking.. funny.. ect. we recently established a relationship with eachother and now ive turned into this nice guy. i cant get myself to THINK like i used to aroundd her. I cant have that arrogant and funny personality flow off of me like i did when we hadnt established anything.

 

Im just now realizing, this happens in any relationship i get into. I turn into this nice protecting guy. and i have to force myself to be cocky again, which isnt a good look because its obvious and unnatractive when its being forced. I really like this girl im talking to and tonight she called and asked me why i turned into this nice guy ever since. She said that she liked me better when i was kinda cocky and funny. I told her that i realized that too, and i knew it wasnt a good look for myself. She laughed it off and just said for me to be like i was when we were just kinda "talking" ..

 

My question. Why am i like this? What can i do to go back to being my normal self in a relationship?

Is it common for guys to become "nice" after establishing the "boyfriend girlfriend" scene? Why? Why not?

Any advice please. thank you.

 

 

 

ps. im starting to realize that i do this in most relationships, thats why they end up getting boring and going downhill.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like you use two different "personalities" - one to get the initial attraction off the ground and once you "catch" to girl, you resort to the other "personality" where you don't have to do anymore work to catch the girl. (Not sure if any of that made any sense).

 

There's a lot to be said for just being yourself at all times and not putting on a show to impress people.

[intheferns]

Do you think maybe you are subconsciously turning off your cocky personna because you are worried about chasing her off? Arrogant and cocky aren't typically considered positive traits and so now that you've met a girl you care about you're switching gears trying to be Mr. Nice Guy so that she'll stay. Which is odd because she liked your original personna. Stop trying to be someone you think she wants and just be yourself.

[Limiya]

Maybe your cocky persona is just that. A persona, and this more nice guy is the real you? now you don't need to impress?

It's very interesting to say the least. Perhaps you can reassure her that once you relax a bit in the relationship and become more comfortable, the cocky side will reappear?

 

Sorry i can't be of anymore help. Good luck.

Limiya

[Longview01]

If you have to try that hard at being cocky then are you really naturally cocky?

[jmann45]

If you have to try that hard at being cocky then are you really naturally cocky?

 

yes in reality, ive been told so many times that im just a d*ck. and i have been working on myself to better myself but it still shows..

 

but when im in an actual relationship vs just "talking" to someone, i turn into this different person.

 

 

Ive been thinking to myself all night why ive changed into being this nice guy with her now and how can i go back. but i just have a different feel with her when im with her now, like shes "mine". ? and i need to take "care" of her and step it up. ? im not sure and its bugging the hell out of me. its an internal thing. Especially now that shes mentioned it, it'll be more difficult for me to balance my "2 personas".

[jmann45]

Im starting to think that Capricorn is right. Now that i "have" her, i dont need to prove anything anymore. I am very bad at relationships, ive never been in many so can anyone please help me through this and advise me.. should i continue acting like i still dont have her and throw around those flirtatious cocky jokes that i used to before it was official? Should i still just act like shes not mine?

 

I read something on how guys stop doing things they used to after they get into the relationship with the girl they love. Can you guys please just educate me from my perspective on this. I need some type of advice and its urgent. Thank you all so much.

[katrina1980]

Just mix it up.

 

Be that nice guy who cares and is protective, but that doesn't mean you should stop being funny and cocky too!

 

My bf is funny, cocky, confident, a bit arrogant too. He was when I met him and he still is!

 

BUT he is also "nice," caring and protective, but never goes overboard about it, it's a balance.

 

He will call me out on **** when he thinks I am playing games or whatevs.

 

He is never mean, just strong and confident.

 

He treats me really well, but still "teases" me with his cocky and funny. We banter a lot which I love and is always fun!

 

But he will bring me a rose, write me a beautiful song (he writes music and plays guitar as a hobby), takes me away for weekend, and generally treats me really well.

 

Combined with his cocky, funny, it's the perfrct combo for me.

 

Again, just mix it up. It's a balance.

 

I think the reason you have pulled a "bait and switch" is maybe cause now that she is your gf, and you actually CARE, her opinion of you means more to you than when you first met.

 

Because you have been deemed/called a "d*ick* for your cocky and arrogant demeanor and behaviour, you fear that being that way now that you care will push her away. Perhaps you have been conditioned by society to think this way.

 

Unless she goes for strictly "bad boys" who treat her rotten, your mixing it up with a bit of "nice guy"... is a good thing!

 

She may be used to the bad boys though...have you discussed her previous relationships at all?

[Batya33]

It's not nice to be overly protective either -it can be suffocating. I think you need to find a middle ground. Be kind, tactful, reasonably confident. No need to put on a show. If something funny pops into your head and the timing is right to share, go for it! Instead of being "nice" which seems to you to be the opposite of witty/edgy - just be a person who is thoughtful, who thinks of other's needs, who has reasonable boundaries.

 

I am concerned that what she means is that you are being a bit clingy/unassertive -- too "yes dear" - that's not "nice" but it might be insecure/clingy. If instead she simply liked when you were a challenge by being cocky/mean then she might simply be a person who experiences excitement/interest only when the other person is arrogant/distant. Try to dial back the overprotective clingy stuff (if that is what's happening) and tell yourself she isn't going anywhere if she likes you for you. You'll know soon enough what she wants.

[jmann45]

Thank you all very much for the advice. We hung out again today almost all day, and i acted as if she wasnt mine and told myself to just be myself. And it worked. We had a very good time today. I do need to still find that middle ground and work on myself. At least i know my problem. 1st step: acknowledgement.. I knew i was doing something wrong every time i got into relationships, i just couldnt tell why. now i can. thank you all alot. Much appreciated.

 

And to answer the question, she has told me when we met, that she likes bad boys. Ones who are very bad, and mean. And she told me that it was a problem for her considering the fact that they always cheated on her, or were always broke. lol.