Dilemma of being supportive, yet high value?

[NatalieGon]

Hi everyone. So I’ve had a conversation with my ex (we broke up on good terms-by the end he had to move to another country and he said that he didn’t have super strong feelings for me to start LDR).

So when I asked him why those feelings were not always super strong, one of the main reasons was that I was not challenging him in a uplifting way enough. That I stayed with him when he was temporarily living with his parents and not working too much, cos then it seems that my standards are low. Also, I gave all the validation and support on a silver platter so it became almost too much of it. What’s funny is I couldn’t agree more- I put him on a pedestal a bit and took a saviors role instead (his brother was dyeing at that period as well)..

 

So my question is, how to keep challenging your boyfriend when you’re few months in a relationship ? How to keep motivating him to be the best version of himself, without becoming too demanding or needy, and also without being too supportive?

That’s been my problem more than once- I just want to take care of everyone and make everyone feel good, and I always end up being dumped. So whatever tips/stories you have to share- please go ahead!

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

Wow stop talking to this moron. When he says "you were a fool to date me" he's talking about what a loser he is...and still is apparently.

 

Stop engaging in relationship-postmortem discussions with him because it's merely his arrogant opinion.

 

If you personally feel you over-invest in relationships or pick out fixer-uppers then you can change that. It actually begins with going no contact and blocking this loser.

I was not challenging him in a uplifting way enough. That I stayed with him when he was temporarily living with his parents and not working too much, cos then it seems that my standards are low. Also, I gave all the validation and support on a silver platter so it became almost too much of it.

[yonderkthx]

I agree with Wiseman's assessment to go NC on this guy as he doesn't seem to care much at all about you. He's not worth your time, and advice coming from an ex only muddies waters.

 

If this is a pattern you've recognized then perhaps you should reevaluate what you want from a relationship. After 3-6 months you'll inevitably notice the tics, idiosyncrasies, and gross habits that bother you. I think no matter how close the match is we all see weaknesses in our partner we dislike / wish was improved upon. You don't have to settle for them; time will decide how nagging and unlivable some can be. Set promises and goals. Introduce ultimatums. You'll know who you're with and how committed they are by how they address your concerns and what they do to improve their image in your eyes. Solving compatibility problems is a necessary and indicative stress of being in a serious relationship. Or so I believe anyway.

[notalady]

Completely agree with Wiseman's assessment. He's an idiot and admitting as much. Basically he's saying he was a loser when he lived in his parents basement and didn't work, and you're stupid for sticking by him through that time.

 

As for the question below:

 

 

So my question is, how to keep challenging your boyfriend when you’re few months in a relationship ? How to keep motivating him to be the best version of himself, without becoming too demanding or needy, and also without being too supportive?

That’s been my problem more than once- I just want to take care of everyone and make everyone feel good, and I always end up being dumped. So whatever tips/stories you have to share- please go ahead!

Thank you

 

I don't keep challenging my boyfriend nor do I want to. I don't need to motivate him to be the best version of himself. He needs to be his own motivation to be the best version of himself.

 

Sure, if he feels inspired or motivated by you just being around and just being yourself, that's great, but at the end of the day if someone doesn't have that motivation themselves, no one can bring it out of them, no amount of support makes a difference. Yes they will only lose respect for you for putting up with bad situations or bad behaviour that they know no woman would want to be around, even though they are the ones putting you in that position to begin with. That also means that when they get out of their funk, they will leave you for "better" opportunities.

 

You don't need to "take care of" anyone or make others feel good in order to make them stay. As you've seen, it does the complete opposite. You need to focus on yourself, have a full, enjoyable life outside of your relationship, have a fulfilling career and good relationships with family and friends. By focusing on yourself, you will attract people who like you for who you are, not for what you can do for them.

 

Develop strong boundaries, a list of must-haves (values and character traits that you require in a partner) and deal-breakers (things you won't put up with) when you date. So if someone doesn't have the must-haves or if they have deal-breakers, you walk. You don't stick around and try to change them or "be supportive" as you call it (I call it putting up with bs). So I imagine for most people, living in parents basement and no job, and doesn't have the motivation to get out of there, would've been a deal breaker.

 

Just to clarify, if his brother was dying, absolutely you should be supportive. But that still doesn't mean you need to take care for them. If someone doesn't appreciate your support through tough times like the death of a family member, all I can say is they are ungrateful jerks that don't deserve you and that should be one of your deal-breakers.

[JaggerJim]

Oh wow, he told you it was your fault? He wasn't working and he's telling you that you "wern't challenging enough".

 

Don't ever listen to crap like that again, he is an idiot.

[zeino]

Argh this guy is worse than bullsh*t bingo. What is he? A failed narcissist? Like Groucho Marx said "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." You showed him kindness to the best of your power when his brother was dying. Even if you appreciated him "too much" - whatever that is- so what?

 

Some people believe this chaser discourse which is everywhere. It sounds like an extension of that. Well, if he is able to value something only when that thing is unreachable, let him marry a cold queen that he chases for a decade and then spend the rest of his life on the sofa. Gooood riddance.

 

But no, listen to his crap. Indeed hear him well. He is saying he is crap? Believe him. Treat him as crap. He knows himself best.

[catfeeder]

So my question is, how to keep challenging your boyfriend when you’re few months in a relationship ? How to keep motivating him to be the best version of himself, without becoming too demanding or needy, and also without being too supportive?

 

Easy: quit revolving around him. Invest in building your own social life, career, family relationships and passionate interests so your own life won't be secondary to his. Then you won't be taken for granted.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh wow, he told you it was your fault? He wasn't working and he's telling you that you "wern't challenging enough".

 

Don't ever listen to crap like that again, he is an idiot.

 

Agree. The only thing you should agree with is that you shouldn't have stayed with him. What an idiot.