I cannot believe this is so hard

[Unluckyinlove]

I am working on day three after the break up and I cannot believe the roller coaster I am on. I mean I should, I have been through it before, but it seems so new each time.

I thought that only being together for 7 weeks would soften the blow, but it still really hurts.

NC is incredibly hard but I am NOT going to contact her. I replied to our mutual friend last night via email, and that will be the last time I discuss her with this friend.

I feel so, naive and dumb for letting my emotions get the best of me and how I fell so deeply so fast for her.

I have done a lot of reading and soul searching the last few days and wonder if this is all about her or an accumulation of things.

For some background, I had colon cancer 6 years ago. I was cured but it took me a long time to heal both physically and mentally. During this time my ex wife checked out on me. I did not know it at the time but that was the beginning of the end. Three years ago, she admitted to an affair and left me. At the same time, my company was sold and I lost my job. I have spent the better part of the last 3 years getting myself back together.

I went into a training program a year ago December. In February of last year, I was diagnosed with colon cancer again. It was an early detection again, but I had to go through the ordeal of that again, this time alone. I was not insured and I was in my training, and that happened. I recovered quickly from that and am again free and clear.

I finished up my training program in October and was offered a job!! I had my first nice Christmas with my daughter in three years. Professionally my life was turning around. I had always dated so that was not a problem and I was happy with that. Nobody had turned my head and I was quite content to have "cuddle buddies" in my life.

It was not until a couple of months ago I met my gal through an online dating service. Living in small area she actually knew who I was, new my ex and we had a mutual friend. She initially did not want to go out with me because of the weirdness of it all so I dropped it. About a week later I get an email from her at work, she also works where I work. She explained that she was just checking in to see how I was and explain again, why she did not want to go out with me.

Well as it turned out she did and my attraction/connection to her was immediate. I let myself believe that after all that had happened and the way my life was going, that she was now here for a reason. Maybe she was and I have not figured that out yet, but right now, the fact that she is gone is very hard to deal with, if still only after a short time together.

I wonder if I am still grieving over all of the things I have been through in addition to her loss. She seemed to be the final piece of my personal puzzle of being complete again.

I have read all the posts I can. I know even with NC, my chances are slim. The only thing that NC will do is help me in the healing process. A girl I used to date suggested that I keep an open place for her should she want to return, but not to expect or even hope for that, good advice I think.

Sorry for the long post, but I was told years ago that to find an avenue for my thoughts. Next to keeping a journal, this is the best thing that I can do. If it helps someone else than that is great. Again, any feedback from anyone out there would be appreciated.

I know that I will be fine again someday. I want to get back on the horse so to speak and date, but at the same time that does not sound all that appealing. I've reactivated my profiles on a couple of dating services and a friend talked to a gal he knows about me, so hopefully I can get back out there and start to get over her.

Thanks for the avenue to put down my thoughts. Sorry if you all find this a bore, but it sure helps to do this. The words just seem to pour out of my fingers.

[cloe]

I wonder if I am still grieving over all of the things I have been through in addition to her loss. She seemed to be the final piece of my personal puzzle of being complete again.

 

I kind of got that feeling while I was reading your post and when I saw those words it took me aback a bit.

 

You have been through a lot and it sounds like you are being very rational and healthy about this. It's OK to hurt so much after a short time. Sometimes you fall in love in 5 minutes, sometimes it takes years.

 

I think NC is best; especially if you think there is a chance for the future. You didn't mention why you two decided to part, but sometimes people have to stretch away to come back to you. If you come back to them too soon, they continue to stretch away and it becomes a chase.

 

As you said though, maybe it will not work out and you do have to prepare for both. Be strong but be true and feel the feelings you need to to heal. Don't be discouraged. Hang in there!

 

You know, I'm very new to this and I'm going through a very tough time too, but it's been healing for me to read others' stories and to hopefully be able to help them with a glimmer of hope. I hope that's not being narcissistic but it is a good feeling to be able to encourage someone else to be strong and feel loved especially when you youself need to be strong and feel loved.

 

Take care

[shes2smart]

Dude, I once had 8 weeks of pen-pal romance with one phone call and one real-life date before he dumped me and it was devastating. It messed with my head for a good 1.5-2 years.

 

We can never tell which experiences are going to get to us more than others. Time will help. Keep up the NC, keep doing what you're doing for your own healing. You've gone through a lot in a short period of time. It would take some time to get over any ONE of the events you mentioned (health stuff, job stuff & the romance) let alone all of 'em at once. Give yourself the time.

 

If it helps to write, have you considered keeping a journal? I find there's something therapeutic about physically writing out what's bothering me with a pen that tapping on a keyboard just doesn't get at.

[Unluckyinlove]

Thank you cloe,

 

Kind words from one so young.

No, I don't really think there is any chance for us. I told her I loved her, she said she did too but later said she was feeling "conflicted" and needed some space. A day later she broke it off telling me that I was everything she was looking for, that I was wonderful, yet someting was missing.

On a side note and for my ego she mentioned on more than one occasion that I was the most amazing and giving lover she had ever been with. Tough pill to swallow.

Best of luck to you in your journey and I hope it all works out. I've been through this before as I said and after my wife left me I never thought I'd replace that love. Well then I met this new gal it felt like it was the first time, it was amazing.

Whatever happens you and I and others here will eventually find the partners we are looking for and deserve!

[Unluckyinlove]

shes2smart,

 

I kept a journal when my wife left me and may again. I find I can accomplish the same here and get feedback at the same time. I hope to reach a point where I'm not here daily looking for something, anything, that will help me through this. I wish I was stronger, but the events of the last few years have really taken it's toll.

This feeling is nothing like when my wife left. We were together 15 years and going through that was huge. This isn't the same mainly due to the lack of time involved. Yet at the same time, my feelings for this woman were passionate and true and the hurt is real.

Trying to accentuate the positive. I know the time we spent was special to both of us and for at least a brief time this woman DID love me and I feel good about that.

[just jeff]

Unluckyinlove,

 

I think cloe and shes2smart are correct….you need time to heal and fully recover from the past few years. It sounds as though you're doing a great job, keep it up.

 

My ex told me the same thing…maybe they say it as to not shatter our male ego…*s* or maybe they are 100% truthful…but they need more than the physical connection to be complete.

 

I am on day 9….and it hasn't gotten much easier; although I did delete her numbers from my phones to lessen the chances of me making a mistake in a moment of weakness. I do not think the woman you speak of is entirely out of your life…she may have been over whelmed by her feelings and thought she was losing control…especially if she values her independence…

 

Keep your chin up…walk proudly through life…you have much to be thankful and proud of. Nothing is truly over till the fat lady sings they say…I still haven't heard her sad tune…or maybe I am just too deaf to listen…

 

May your journey become easier with each passing day….

[Unluckyinlove]

Jeff,

 

I've been reading your posts on the other forums, best of luck to you. Fortunately I was told how amazing and giving I was while we were still together, and after we had been together for awhile so I believe she was being truthful.

I would like to think there is a fear factor in her rationale for not being in love with me. As our mutual friend said last night, it appears that she hasn't found the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Now does that mean she was scared and so she said something was missing, or is there really something missing. Damn, I was there and I didn't think there was anything missing by her actions towards me, but I've been mistaken before.

Like I have mentioned, this was a very loving break-up. We were friends as well as lovers and I'd like to think this is hard on her too. I know she cares, but little good that does right now.

Best of luck to you Jeff. I look forward to following your progress and wish you the best!!

[arwen]

Hey,

 

You have been through a lot, and managed to get your life together once before. I think everytime we have a set back, this can also 'function' as a way to reflect on the things of the past. It's part of progressing to remember the past steps you took in hard times.

 

I am sorry for the pain, even though the break up was loving. A loving break up is bittersweet in my experience. I have noticed that I simply couldn't be angry, which was pretty frustrating as anger is so much easier to bend into a positive force.

 

Keep writing and take care,

 

Ilse.