Back with my ex

[jessiejl]

I posted on here a few times regarding my ex boyfriend contacting me again. I explained how I was confused, I didn’t know what he wanted, I saw his Tinder profile, and just various other things that made me question his motives. Why was he reaching out to me? Does he just want a FWB? Does he just want a plain old friendship? Does he want me back? I kept asking for advice and just didn’t like what I heard. Don’t get me wrong, everyone gave me great advice but it was always that my ex was only coming back because he wanted to hook up or that I should just forget about him and move on. In other circumstances that would have been easier to do, but as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s hard to move on from someone that you could really see yourself with. And somehow I knew in my gut and heart that there was more to him coming back into my life. So I waited it out and we finally had the talk. He explained to me his issues, which I won’t get into detail, but we had a nice long talk about what we need to do differently to be able to make a relationship work. He said he was a coward and childish for leaving me, and instead of wanting to communicate with me about the problems, he ran. He apologized over and over. I also brought up the Tinder profile and he said it was more of an ego trip and he hasn’t been with anyone else since me (which may or may not be true) but I made him show me that he deleted it. I really do feel like I can trust his word and that he won’t hurt me again. He made it clear that even if we were to break up again in the future, which he doesn’t see happening, he doesn’t want it to be for the same reasons it ended last time. We addressed those issues and found a common ground, and we both feel so much better about it. The reason I’m writing about this is because so many people come to these forums asking about what they should do. I love sites like this because most of the time people are right in the advice they give, and it’s a sort of comfort that can help someone get through tough times. But the only problem with that is strangers don’t know the type of relationship you had with someone, or personally know who that person is and what they are like. In no way am I saying to blow off anyone’s advice on this forum, because I do believe it is extremely helpful. Like I said if the relationship I had with my ex was terrible, then I can totally see myself taking your advice and just blowing him off. But it wasn’t and I followed my instincts in letting him back in and now we are back together. In the long run I went with what I felt was right, and that was being patient and understanding. I mean I took someone’s advice and went No Contact when we first broke up, and I could say maybe that worked in a way, because after the 30 days is when he contacted me again. But I believe that everyone should do what they truly want. Listen to what people say, but form your own conclusions. I did take into consideration of what other people told me to do. But in my heart I didn’t feel that was the right thing. If I listened to what someone said and I myself felt that was right, then great! They gave me awesome advice and it worked. I thank each and every one of you who support others and help in any way that you can. I just wanted to share my story in case someone was going through the same thing.

[SooSad33]

He made it clear that even if we were to break up again in the future, which he doesn’t see happening, he doesn’t want it to be for the same reasons it ended last time

- How long had you two been broken up? And did ANY of those 'reasons' for the BU get dealt with?

[Wiseman2]

Agree, that's an interesting statement. Kinda "I'll find a different excuse this time to breakup".

He made it clear that even if we were to break up again in the future, which he doesn’t see happening, he doesn’t want it to be for the same reasons it ended last time

[jessiejl]

We had been broken up for 3 months, and yes we spent a good few hours talking everything over and what needed to be changed

[jessiejl]

In that statement he meant that if hypothetically for whatever reason things were to end again, it wouldn't be because of why it ended the first time.

[SooSad33]

We had been broken up for 3 months, and yes we spent a good few hours talking everything over and what needed to be changed

 

Yes, things that needed to be changed.. but in 3 months.. nothing has changed.. has it? So.. the issue's still loom?

[Roselynn1]

I appreciate your post because every situation is different; we can't paint things with a broad brush. It's always good to hear the opinion of others but when it comes down to it, you need to do what works for you. I know someone who met her husband online. They met in August and by October they were married. They obviously heard plenty of "you just met, you don't even know each other" and similar sentiments but they've been married 10 years now. Good luck to you!

[RainyCoast]

it goes without saying that everyone will choose independently, and that is perfectly allright. replies aren't coercive.

 

i don't think that getting back together can in and of itself be considered a success though. but if you felt so drawn to try again perhaps this is the person through which you will best assimilate the life lessons delivered through you. often the "pull" is just that, schema chemistry, and if it catalyzes growth, even painful, it ca be worth it, and a success in it's own right, whether the relationship works out or not.

 

it is worth remembering that there are easier methods to learn, but i sense that at the moment you think this guy is a lesson, but a "love".

 

it honestly sounds like he served you a great deal of candy when he realised his safest option was unavailable and he baited quite stereotypically after the month of no contact. also don't see how he's become commited or reliable or trustworthy...but...give it a shot if you're set on it. sometimes it takes several rounds of the same old same old.

[HeartGoesOn]

We had been broken up for 3 months, and yes we spent a good few hours talking everything over and what needed to be changed

 

According to your previous threads, you've spent time with him several times since the middle of October. With that being said, it doesn't appear you've spent enough time apart, in order to work on any issues that lead to the breakup.

 

Of course this is your call, yet after reading between the lines it seems as if you're still rolling the dice. Either way, be careful not to sell yourself short...

[bunzana]

At the risk of sounding cliche, sometimes you need to lose something to truly appreciate it. Perhaps this is the case and he has realized that this is a relationship he really wants to work on. I don't know the reason for your breakup, but I truly hope that you have worked on the issue honestly and openly and that it does not arise again. If you sense there is a pattern repeating however, it will be best that you end the relationship quickly. I hope that this is not the case.

 

Many people tend to give the same "leave him, you're worth more" or "you two are incompatible, break up, go no contact...etc" response. Personally I think that sometimes good relationships take commitment and effort, and if we were to leave at every sign of turbulence, no relationship would work out. I hope that your relationship works out the way you want it to. But that being said, don't be afraid to leave if you find that the second time around is the same as the first.

 

Good luck!

[linztime]

I completely agree with you about the advice given here. I wonder how many relationships have been saved or alternatively swept under the rug because of advice here. You do ultimately have to go with you gut and some times take a chance on love!

[Birdie]

Is he still moving? Are you going to move with him then?