Just hurting. Plain and simple

[AustralianMan]

Hi forum,

 

I am a 47yo Australian guy and I just wanted to share my story.

 

I met the girl of my dreams "yes really" in late 2015, we were together for almost 14 months, and just 3 days ago she told me she doesn't love me and that there is no future for us, but would like to hope we could be friends sometime in the future.

 

I am absolutely heartbroken "yes, guys hurt too, forget all this (be a man) rubbish. I loved her, and I am grieving the loss of her and our hopes and dreams"

 

Our story was very different. She was separated from her husband of 8 years and had multiple domestic violence orders against him when I met her. She also had a 5yo daughter, I don't have any kids myself and have never been married as I was still waiting for "the one" Which I thought she was!

 

Her estranged husband caused us no end of grief in our first 5 months of seeing each other, following us, stalking us, threatening to burn down her house with her and her daughter in it, threatening to kill her, and me! But I stood by her until one day the police finally caught him, and threw him in jail, where he currently still is.

 

Because of all of the above, we really couldn't spend much quality time at each others place, as a new couple should. So our vists were normally brief and enough time to barely connect, let alone be intimate, but we did our best whenever we could given the circumstances.

 

After he was thrown in jail I was really looking forward to more quality time with her, and trying to move forward with our relationship, but it just seemed she always kept me at arms length, like it was when her ex was still loose on the streets.

 

I thought it was just a natural reaction from a woman who had been mistreated and abused for so long, but it continued no matter how much I tried to endear myself to her "beautiful dinners, days out, holidays, flowers sent to work" I just wanted to be everything her husband wasn't, and she gladly accepted all my kindness and love and gifts, but still no moving forward with our relationship.

 

Out of the blue she then says she wants to try IVF with me, and she desperately wants another baby "I am 47, she is 41" I was shocked and said to her, I would absolutely love that, but after "by now" almost a year together, we still hardly spend any quality time at each others place, her daughter still doesn't know we are seeing each other, and to add to that, she went to see her ex in jail "to take her daughter to see him" But she was never, ever, the same after that jail visit.

 

Still she insisted on the IVF baby and I had to stop her and tell her that I need more from her in this relationship if we were to have a child. I need commitment, and to not be kept an arms length away. For example she never invited me to any of her friends parties or kids parties, and hardly ever let me stay over, or stay at my place, never put pics of our holidays together up on facebook or told people about me, but she wants a child with me! Wow!

 

So things went very cold after our IVF talk, she would hardly contact me, I felt like if I didn't contact her she wouldn't even bother contacting me. I was starting to hurt and was wanting answers. This went on for a little while, the rare intimacy we did have totally stopped, then just a few days ago she told me she didn't love me and there was no future for us.

 

I was, am, still, completely heartbroken as I wanted nothing more than a life with this beautiful woman and her child, but she just wouldn't commit, but I feel like I caused the end of this relationship by not giving her a child, however how could I given the circumstances? We weren't even living together or waking up together and there was minimal commitment from her side of things.

 

I just want a few peoples opinions on this as I am currently going no contact after what she said, I still have a few things in her garage I need to collect but haven't contacted her about that at all, I mean am I going crazy here? Does her point of view seem skewed? Is she just too messed up from being abused in her marriage for so long to not see how crazy that sounds?

 

The reason I am asking is I am hoping she comes back to me when she realises what she has lost, but I am not holding my breath.

 

I just cant believe how quickly this all went south on me.

 

I love her to pieces and just want her back, or is it just too much trouble? Warning signs etc?

 

Thank you for your help, and just typing this out knowing someone is listening really helps.

[jennydanielle7]

I'm sorry you are going through this, and you must be feeling very confused.

 

The few warning signs that I have seen is the fact that she wasn't completely willing to bring down her walls and hence, it prevented her from fully taking things further in the relationship. More and likely, her previous relationship did take a huge mental and emotional toll on her. 8 years of abuse won't fully take away the personal wounds until she seeks therapy and counseling, and it seems like she still needs a long way for her to heal.

 

May I ask, how long was she separated from her ex-husband when you first met? Usually if it was just recent, then more and likely, she still hasn't overcome her personal issues and demons. Abuse not only strips away the person's sense of security, but also the person's sense of trust towards others. So like I've mentioned, she needs some therapy. She probably wasn't fully ready for a long-term relationship yet when she met you.

 

The only advice I can give you is to wait it out. If she doesn't come back, then you will have to come to terms with it and move on. Sometimes when a person walks out of your life, it is usually for the best. She wasn't fully ready for a committed relationship, and she still has long ways to go. Find someone who will be more open for a long-term relationship, and one who doesn't have any personal issues.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear all this. Yes she seems too damaged and unrealistic for sustaining a stable intimate relationship. The IVF is bizarre, considering that you are just dating, not living together and haven't even been trying naturally to start a family.

Does her point of view seem skewed? Is she just too messed up from being abused in her marriage for so long to not see how crazy that sounds?

[janut1]

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I know it hurts. It sucks when you love someone and they cannot reciprocate the feelings. Probably most of us here have had that experience in one way or another.

 

She sounds like she is pretty messed up from the abusive marriage she endured for 8 years. It will take time and therapy for her to get through this difficult time and work on her emotional state. Sometimes women who are abused do not let go of the men who abuse them for many reasons. Sometimes they think they are the reason for the abuse, something they did or said. Her taking her daughter to jail to visit him is a clue that she is still attached to him. I personally would never visit a man who threatened to burn my house down and when my child was home, wow! That is just really scary to me.

 

I think as much as you love her, you need to let her go. She needs help and you cannot help her. Her wanting to bring another child into this world in her mental state is really the last thing she needs. I am glad you said NO, because that would of been a big mistake for you to have your child involved in this drama.

 

I know it hurts I've been there. But as you move forward without her, it will get better. Just keep posting here and writing it out when you feel like you need help or just someone to hear whats on your mind.

[AustralianMan]

Hi jennydaniel7,

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

She had been separated from him for just on two years, but admitted to me that about a year before she met me she gave into him one night in weakness and slept with him, which she totally regretted as it caused endless issues and it never happened again.

 

When I met her she told me I was the first guy she had met after him. She then told him she was seeing someone and that is when his behaviour totally escalated.

[AustralianMan]

Thanks for your reply wiseman2, I appreciate it.

 

She cant have children naturally, her and her husband had to use IVF.

 

I am glad to see I am not the only one who thinks her request was unreasonable, even though I am hurting from losing her.

[AustralianMan]

Thanks janut1,

 

"Her taking her daughter to jail to visit him is a clue that she is still attached to him. I personally would never visit a man who threatened to burn my house down and when my child was home, wow! That is just really scary to me"

 

I could not agree more, this resulted in an argument between us as I said the exact same thing, I think I said "Why are you rewarding his behaviour by visiting him in jail?"

 

She was appointed 6 therapy sessions by the victims of crime fund "Kind of an assurance program we have here in Australia to make sure victims get the help they need" and she went to only one and cancelled the rest saying "I don't like the councillor"

[AustralianMan]

PS what a beautiful and kind forum this is. Thank you everyone, even though I sit here with tears in my eyes, it all helps. I just need to talk. I live alone, I do have a cat, but his therapy skills are limited

[AustralianMan]

Now into the third day of NC. So much pain. I am hurting bad. Everything within me just wants me to contact her and ask her if we can try again. I miss her so much. I honestly thought she was "the one" I cried last night before bed, I cried this morning in the shower. I guess it shows the love I had for her.

[cyssan]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, AM. After my break-up, I honestly thought I cried more tears in the weeks after my breakup than all the tears I cried since I was a baby until my breakup (and I'm in my 30s.) It's OK, you have to cry this out. Grieving is honoring the relationship you've had, and is a proof of your love. If you didn't care at all, you wouldn't be hurting like this.

 

The pain is still fresh, so I'm sure you'll have more (lots more!) moments of crying. Let them come. If you're religious, you can pray for extra strength to get you through the hour/half-day/day. I break down my day because thinking how I'd go through one day is a little overwhelming at the moment.

 

I also thought my ex is/was the one. But my friends tell me, "If she is the one, she's not going to hurt you like this/ you're not going to suffer like this." I do not know if I should be letting go of the concept of "the one"--maybe we should, if only to help us during this difficult time.

[kelmar]

Aww man, I remember the first few days after my breakup and I can honestly say they were the most painful days of my life. I had never experienced so much turmoil. I'm now 3 months into my break up and it gets so much better once you actively commit to moving on.

 

For me, I had to see my ex one last time (after almost 2 months of very limited contact) and ask if it was absolutely over, with no chance of us ever being together again and it was. He had become a completely different person by then and I no longer even desired him which liberated me. If you really feel you need to reach out, do it. If she says she doesn't want to get back together than you can begin letting go.

 

Everyone on ENA is great and you can get so much help and support here! Hug your cat. Call your friends. Cry as much as you need to (trust me when i say that you will cry a lot, so much it may even worry you, but just go with it.) I took a walk out into the woods and did some screaming and sobbing...it was a little crazy, but also very cathartic. Peace be with you, man. We're all in your corner

[AustralianMan]

Thanks all. It is still very tough. Now 6 days no contact and I SOOOOOOOO want to text or call and ask her if we can talk. I am so tortured as everyone here is making sense, she does have issues and I should be thankful to walk away from such a mess, but I love her, and her daughter, and the heart wants what the heart wants. Can't stop crying. I just want her back and I am struggling to maintain no contact.

[jacqm]

Breaking up is hard education. My experience (and research) has taught me that there is no "the one". Anyone we connect or click with romantically can become our one. An attachment forms, a bond forms, and we feel this is the one. When there is a break up, it is the breaking up of the attachment or bond that is so painful. A few years pass, we may still think about the ex- but the acute pain has gone. We meet someone new and over time, a new bond forms and the cycle begins, hopefully not a painful one.

In any case, the one is a romanticized concept. Anyone one bonds with could be the one. The more troubled the relationship, the stickier it is. Meaning, the harder it is to let go of. And in your case, it certainly seemed troubled as she would give you a little but hold back a lot - you were given a taste but the hunger was never satisfied. And that hunger, my friend, may be your pain.

 

Your age of late 40s is also a reason that may be causing panic. I'm in that same age bracket (and btw, in Oz too) and I think men are as equally aware as women of the passage of time and running out of options as we age. Yes, she was quite a catch and yes, you and I may never have another as good. Although I'm no one to give advice as I have issues of my own, when the issues are not my own I tend to think I would rather have no loaf than half a loaf of bread.

 

What do you say?

[KantSleep]

Sorry you are going through this. It is indeed a sad story. She never really seemed on board with you emotionally, but wanted you as a sperm donor. Not nice to do to you, as it is sending very mixed signals. I don't want criticize her, especially with her history of being in an abusive relationship. She is likely just too messed up at this point in her life to know what she wants. You were kind and generous, she was distant and did not include you in her life. All the signs were there that she was not into this relationship the way you were. It would have been better if she cut you loose earlier, but it didn't work out that way. I would remain in no contact mode. Forget about the stuff you have to return to her. That's on her. Try to think to the future. It is hard to meet someone you are compatible with, for sure. But keep the faith, and when you heal, try again. You will have learned from this and are less likely to make the same mistakes again. Good luck.

[janut1]

Hang in there! This is the hard part. Like others have said, let the tears flow and don't feel bad about that. I think its worse if you try to hold it all back and never express how you feel. It also seems to take longer to recover if you don't let your emotions out. I remember going through all of this. I didn't sleep, didn't eat and cried most the day. Small things would trigger emotions and at first I tried hard not to let it "get to me" but it was a useless endeavor. So I eventually gave in. Man it hurts, just sucks, but you will come out of this. Take one day at a time, talk to friends and get out even if you don't want to, even if its just a walk around the block.

 

Yes, the heart wants what it wants. I remember playing the song by Selena over and over again and just crying my eyes out at one point. But now I just have a faint memory of that hurt because I have moved on. You will eventually move on too.

[AustralianMan]

Thanks for all your advice so far forum.

 

 

I appreciate all those who replied. I know it is always hard to judge someone from reading the posts, but I believe she genuinely is a good woman, but just too messed up at the moment to know what she is letting go of.

 

She even admitted that her leaving me "could be the biggest mistake of my life, but I will have to live with that decision"

 

 

It is just so hard. Anyhow, we are now 9 days no contact but I still have goods of value in her garage that I would like back. These are not things I want to let her keep as they are expensive "two stand up paddleboards, camping gear etc"

 

 

They are 100% mine and I was only storing them there, they are not gifts to her.

 

 

I want to break no contact and ask for these items back, what would be the best way to go about this?

[JRP]

In my opinion you need to think about how YOU will handle a break in NC. You say the reason would be to get your things back, but would that be it? Would you be able to handle just talking about that, getting them back and then NC again? The likelihood is you would have to see her to get them back, which would hurt. Or she would arrange for you to get them back without you seeing her which might seem like further rejection, again that will hurt. 9 days is not that long, reading this thread you are still in a lot of pain. There is a high chance any progress you have made so far could be reset by contacting her.

 

So think how you are going to handle it. If its still too raw, wait a little longer, maybe a few months, maybe until you have been on a few dates and got some strength and confidence back. Those things wont be going anywhere soon.