I think I'm being abused-should I leave?

[Lostandfound24]

Hi,

I have been in a relationship for two years and I don't know if I should stay in it? When I first met my boyfriend he was so kind and so caring towards me but once I moved in with him A lot of things started to change. He became very sarcastic and very hurtful with his words. He has made me feel small and I've noticed my self-esteem has been really lowered. Before I started dating him I was a pretty happy person. But I look at myself now and I realize that I have been depressed for months. When I started to date him I was attracted to him because he wanted to same things I did in a relationship. I used to be very close to God and he claimed that he was too. When I first met him I told him i wanted to wait to be intimate until we were married and he agreed. But slowly after I started to fall in love with him he kept pressuring me and pressuring me to the point where we ended up being intimate. I was filled with guilt afterwards that I fell far away from God. I realize that he wasn't the person I thought he was and that he didn't really want to have a relationship with God like what he claimed. A lot of our problems have stemmed from me feeling like he put on a face just to make me fall in love with him and once I did He trapped me. He always tells me that all of our problems are my fault. If I don't give him intimacy he will reject me and ignore me for days and be really mean with his words. If he doesn't get his way he will throw very large fits. He will go months without telling me that he loves me. He knows my weaknesses and he uses them against me. He never compliments me and never gives me credit for anything I try to do. I feel rejected as a person. I recently asked him to move out and he did. But he has told me that he wants to try working things out. He told me that he would try his best to change. I told him that I don't want to have a relationship with him unless we put God in the center of us which means we will also stop being intimate. He told me if I don't give him intimacy that he doesn't want to try. A part of me tells me I need to move on and that this relationship is doing more damage then it is good but then the other part of me still really loves him. I keep thinking maybe I should just give him another chance and that maybe he will really change. I asked him to give me a couple of days to think about what I want but he has been texting me every day wanting to know an answer. Am I being abused? What should I do? If I let him go how do I do it?

[StarfoxGod]

sadly you are being abused and he's trying to manipulate you to get what he wants. Sex is something you do with a person when you want to give your body to them, It's another way to show your love an interest in that other human being however you should never feel forced to(I'm guilty of being this way so I can tell you it's no good). If he doesn't want god 1st in the relationship and that is a must! let it go because it sounds as if enjoys sex with you but not the real you. I would advise that you speak to him and if he displays the same behavior let it go because you want a man who would love to be with you for various reasons other than sex. That makes the sex even better, trust me!

[ParisPaulette]

Short answer - yes. And long answer, abusers are always nice and charming until they know they "have you" and you aren't going anywhere, which is exactly what this guy did.

 

And promising he'll change has about as much weight as my promising that I can end world hunger tomorrow or next week or at all. If he did therapy for oh say a year, had a major life-changing event of the near-death type, stayed clean of any relationships at all until he'd gotten his head sorted, made multiple amends to everyone he hurt in his life ever (you won't have been the only one, trust me on this) then maybe, JUST MAYBE, you could believe that a simple, "I'm going to change" would guarantee change and be the solution to all of the world's problems.

 

But until that day what you will have if you go back is instead this:

 

It will be all wonderful in the beginning, but in the end his addiction (yes I really do believe abuse is an addiction for some, they need to hurt someone the way another person needs that cigarette or needle) will win out and he'll begin hurting you again. Only next time it will happen faster, and it may involve physical violence. And this will be the pattern you accept in your relationship forevermore until he hurts or possibly kills you or maybe just erases any chance of happiness you ever had. Abusers get worse over time regardless, my first boyfriend went from put-downs to outright verbal attacks, to shouting at me, and finally to hitting me. And we went through several of those "I'm leaving you," and "Oh baby, I'm so sorry, excuse, excuse, I'll change, I swear." And each time he did for a bit, then came back worse than ever. I finally did leave for good when he hit me, but man that was two years of hell and torture to my self-esteem I just did not need at all.

 

If you leave now you will also get over him BTW. Love doesn't last under those circumstances, you just think it does since you haven't yet gone full no contact and been away from him long enough for the Stockholm Syndrome brainwashing he's done to you wear off. If you give yourself time to heal and move on with no contact you will find and realize how much you have traded away of yourself simply to hold on to someone that never existed, who you insist you loved when in fact you never did. You only loved someone that never existed.

 

So no, you need to stay safe. Do not meet alone with him, and don't go back to him. Tell him to go get therapy and to stay away from you.

 

If you believe in God then don't you think he gave you the strength to finally end things for a reason? Do you really think any higher power, whatever that is, is going to condone you making yourself more and more unhappy for what you think is "love?" I don't. And I cannot fathom that anyone's God would be okay with that and you need to stop a moment and really listen to yourself and to whatever or whoever is out there telling you it's time to walk away.

 

You can love again, but if you let someone crush your soul, your happiness, even hurt or kill you physically, what good is a love that would let you do the same thing being in a prison camp would? Think about that long and hard, because what you're describing isn't love. It's you being brainwashed that this is all love is and it's not, not even close.

[Hollyj]

This relationship is very unhealthy and unfulfilling.

 

End it with this guy, and find some happiness.

 

Stop sacrificing your values for this bully.

[Lostandfound24]

sadly you are being abused and he's trying to manipulate you to get what he wants. Sex is something you do with a person when you want to give your body to them, It's another way to show your love an interest in that other human being however you should never feel forced to(I'm guilty of being this way so I can tell you it's no good). If he doesn't want god 1st in the relationship and that is a must! let it go because it sounds as if enjoys sex with you but not the real you. I would advise that you speak to him and if he displays the same behavior let it go because you want a man who would love to be with you for various reasons other than sex. That makes the sex even better, trust me!

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I agree with everything that you said and this really does help me a lot. Bless you!

[Lostandfound24]

Agreed! Thank you!

[Lostandfound24]

Short answer - yes. And long answer, abusers are always nice and charming until they know they "have you" and you aren't going anywhere, which is exactly what this guy did.

 

And promising he'll change has about as much weight as my promising that I can end world hunger tomorrow or next week or at all. If he did therapy for oh say a year, had a major life-changing event of the near-death type, stayed clean of any relationships at all until he'd gotten his head sorted, made multiple amends to everyone he hurt in his life ever (you won't have been the only one, trust me on this) then maybe, JUST MAYBE, you could believe that a simple, "I'm going to change" would guarantee change and be the solution to all of the world's problems.

 

But until that day what you will have if you go back is instead this:

 

It will be all wonderful in the beginning, but in the end his addiction (yes I really do believe abuse is an addiction for some, they need to hurt someone the way another person needs that cigarette or needle) will win out and he'll begin hurting you again. Only next time it will happen faster, and it may involve physical violence. And this will be the pattern you accept in your relationship forevermore until he hurts or possibly kills you or maybe just erases any chance of happiness you ever had. Abusers get worse over time regardless, my first boyfriend went from put-downs to outright verbal attacks, to shouting at me, and finally to hitting me. And we went through several of those "I'm leaving you," and "Oh baby, I'm so sorry, excuse, excuse, I'll change, I swear." And each time he did for a bit, then came back worse than ever. I finally did leave for good when he hit me, but man that was two years of hell and torture to my self-esteem I just did not need at all.

 

If you leave now you will also get over him BTW. Love doesn't last under those circumstances, you just think it does since you haven't yet gone full no contact and been away from him long enough for the Stockholm Syndrome brainwashing he's done to you wear off. If you give yourself time to heal and move on with no contact you will find and realize how much you have traded away of yourself simply to hold on to someone that never existed, who you insist you loved when in fact you never did. You only loved someone that never existed.

 

So no, you need to stay safe. Do not meet alone with him, and don't go back to him. Tell him to go get therapy and to stay away from you.

 

If you believe in God then don't you think he gave you the strength to finally end things for a reason? Do you really think any higher power, whatever that is, is going to condone you making yourself more and more unhappy for what you think is "love?" I don't. And I cannot fathom that anyone's God would be okay with that and you need to stop a moment and really listen to yourself and to whatever or whoever is out there telling you it's time to walk away.

 

You can love again, but if you let someone crush your soul, your happiness, even hurt or kill you physically, what good is a love that would let you do the same thing being in a prison camp would? Think about that long and hard, because what you're describing isn't love. It's you being brainwashed that this is all love is and it's not, not even close.

 

I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate the time you took to say all of what you said. You are absolutely right! This helps me so much because for a long time I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was abuse or if I was just crazy. To get an outside opinion has really confirmed for me that this is a dangerous relationship and that I do need to get out. You have really helped put this in perspective for me. Thank you so much! I know what I need to do now. Set myself FREE!

[Lostandfound24]

I forgot to ask one other question that I have... Does a person that is emotionally abusing you realize that they are doing that? Do they understand that what they are doing is wrong? Or are they clueless about it? I have heard from many people that abusers know exactly what they are doing...

[Hollyj]

I believe that they know what they're doing.

 

In the long run, it does not matter if the relationship hurts.