BF cheated in past, says he is a changed man now..?

[Cookiefee]

My relationship with my boyfriend was perfect for 6 monthes, we go to college together, and are both on the soccer team, and practically lived with each other. He worked on the weekends, so I went home with him (We live close to each other) not because I didnt trust him, because he didnt trust me (Even though I had always been faithful).

 

He spent christmas at my house with my family, and I had gotten him a cellphone and he got me a gold necklace, everything was perfect. I never suspected him of cheating, I always trusted him. After the month of christmas break we moved back to school, and still coming home on the weekends. I suspected he was getting bored of me, but then i made efforts to please him more and make everything better, realizing it was probably my insecurities that things seem a little weird.

 

I got over it, knowing I had not done anything wrong. things seemed to get better and better, until the weekend before valentines day. I tried to put money on his cellphone(it was prepaid) and I saw he was talking to a girl he used to hook up with over the summer, and acctually calling her before me after he got off of work. I didnt say anything for a week, trying to get myself to say the right thing. I confronted him, and he said they were just friends, and looked me in the eye and said he hadnt gone to see her, and i am the only one. LIED. I just took that, and after that talk, he was with me 24/7 not leaving any room for me to think he was cheating on me. Things were better than ever, everything was great between us like it hadnt been before, i saw a change in him.

 

During spring break, we went to Virginia Beach for vacation. She had called his cellphone while he was at the gym. I picked up and asked her what was going on because she called him like four times a day. She told me everything. They had hooked up 3 times, hung out five times since january. He was doing this while i was sittin in my bed dreaming about him. I realized all the dates he did this to me as well, i remember him saying he was tired from work and just giong to bed. One time was during a snow storm, when earlier in the day i had almost died driving to his work to give him something he needed, that night he risked his life to see this girl instead of me. another night was the friday before valentines day.

 

We had sex all the time, we never fought, everything was perfect, even after meeting with this girl, she has nothing over me, so it wasnt physical. I cant understand this. He tells me he is changed now, he had been changed for a while and that he doesnt know why he did it, and he is sorry. I love him and want to be with him, and i am seeing myself making excuses for his actions, but there really is no excuse.

 

I know i dont need him, but i am afraid along down the line i will want him back, and also as well i believe that he wont do this again. he is so in love with me, and i really think that this has been a lesson for him, but i just keep thinking about how messed up the situation was. I am taking it personally because he would rather see her than me? i cant understand it, i just wish i never met him at this point, i cant get away from him now, we live in the same dorm, we both play soccer, and he lives five minutes from my home.

 

he wont let up, I beat him up about 4 times, bloody noses, I poured hot tea on him, I am not being nice to him, and he wont let up. I just wish i could forget evetything and start new again, but i dont think i could be the women i once was to him even if we do get back together, im trying to break it off with him, but thre is always somthing holding on between us. He wants to move in together and get married and have my kids. Right now, i just feel like being single again. I am only 20 and he is 22, he is black and I am white, not like any of that matters, because we had such deep love for one another, and to tell you the truth it is still there.

 

He went to my house and talked to my parents how much he loved me, race was never an issue to anyone just so you guys know. He has bought me things, plants ect. he posted papers all over campus saying he loves me, brought me out to eat, everthing. I know he is sorry, and i know he loves me, but i dont know if it is going to work out. he had stopped hanging out with her right after the incident before valentines day on his own discretion, telling her that he didnt want to see her anymore before i confronted him about anything, but the fact is he still did it, and i just need some response to my situation.

[MetallicAguy]

Once a cheater always a cheater. I don't think he's changed. Guys can be expert liars. Some are so good, ANYONE can believe them. He probably is. If he's been calling this girl it won't end. It might end between him and her, but he'll find someone else to cheat on. Stay away from this guy; he's a loser.

[avman]

It doesn't sound to me like either of you are good for each other. He cheated on you and you are physically abusing him. Talking about marriage under the circumstances sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

I think both of you should stay away from each other until you sort out your feelings. And for you I'd seriously recommend anger management class. Regardless of how dispicable your boyfriends behavior was, that doesn't make it ok for you to be violent. You need to find more constructive ways to resolve your conflicts.

[Cookiefee]

He is really emotional about it, i dont think he can be faking it, he is hysterically crying and holding on to me like he is about to die if i leave

[Cookiefee]

About me hitting him, it was only because he was holding on to me not letting me go, i wasnt purposly attacking him, i was just trying to escape from his presense

[avman]

Four times? Giving him bloody noses? And pouring hot tea on him?

 

Sorry, I still say you need a bit of counseling. And this convinces me even more that you two are just not a good fit for each other.

[arwen]

Hey cookiefee,

 

I am a bit confused - I guess it's because you are confused as well.

 

You say you acted in this violent way because he was holding on to you but you wanted to escape. On the other hand, you use the same situation as a 'proof' for him being emotional about the result of him cheating. Like him crying and being upset makes it better. Not showing any emotions would certainly make things worse, however, I think showing (or pretending) them doesn't change a single thing on what he has done.

 

The only thing that will truly translate into the 'sorry' you need, is the knowledge inside your heart that he will not do that again. I wonder if that is worth the try - sorry, to me this situation really seems unhealthy on both of your sides.

 

I think avman is right about taking counselling, it would be good for the both of you (apart, and maybe later on together) to have a third party who has enough distance from the both of you, but professional insight at the same time.

 

Basic facts are that he cheated on you, not once, but really had a sort of affair with this person. You didn't want things to go on, you even hurt him physically. Now he is supposedly trying to make things up. I can tell you girl, it takes a lot more than putting up posters on the campus to make this relationship work (let's not even mention a marriage or children).

 

He is doing this because he can't live with the knowledge that he doesn't deserve you. I wonder how much of this 'effort' remains after you cave in and go back together. How long it will take before he takes you for granted to the extend that he will allow himself to cheat on you - again.

 

I don't want you to feel worse than you already do at this moment, but these are things that you should really think about before considering letting him back in your life.

 

I don't know how you feel about yourself, and how your relationship used to be before this all happened. Maybe I could give more advise if you give some more things, like the kind of things that made you argue, or did you ever behave violent towards him before? Or did he do that to you?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Cookiefee]

Before all of this occurred, i had never hit him, and he never hit me period.

We would argue about stupid things, nothing serious ever, thats why i never suspected anything. I know what you are saying about the affair, and i met with the girl one night and we talked for liek 2 hours, and she told me that it wasnt like that, i mean, i know he loves me.

Your post made me think though, the part you said about how maybe he is doing all of this because he wants to believe he is good enough for me..thats a good way of looking at it.

I told him i would never feel the same even if we got back together, and he said he could deal with it because he needs me. HE also says he cant stand the thought of me being with anyone else!

I agree about couseling, but seriously not about the violence, its not that serious of a matter.

I felt good about myself through our relationship, my self esteem was at a all time high, and he was the first person i put my trust in ever.

Of course sometimes i would ask him who girls were he was walking with, but it was never to a level where i was accusing him of anything or assuming anything.

One time he accused me of cheating (when i didnt) and from that point on i felt we became closer

[Cougar_20]

I went through a similar situation. Was with a girl and everything seemed to be perfect. We rarely fought, got along perfectly, and everything seemed to be just fine. One day she admitted to me that she had cheated on me while we were together. Since I never caught her, and she did admit it to me I decided to give her another chance. She said all of the same things... she said she had changed... she said that she would spend the rest of her life making her mistake up to me... she said she would do whatever it took to get me to trust her again...

 

The end result? Two months later I caught her right in the middle of screwing another guy. So all I can say is been there, done that. I still know that this girl loves me even 7 months later, but sometimes love just isn't enough. Move on with life girl.

[Cecelius]

I wouldn't bother. He stone-cold cheated on you with this girl, and what is his punishment? You taking him back?

 

If you do want to do him a favor, show him that there are consequenses for actions.

[kere]

This is a dificult and emotionally drining situation to be in. You can't see clearly what is going on because ur blinded by your love for him. I agree that both you guys need to deciede if you want this relationship to work and get outside help. Speak with someone about what is going on.....have he even told you why he cheated???????

 

Sometimes we get so used to our partner we take them for granted. I am sure he loves you but does he respect you???does he value you as his partner????.....sometimes honey love just isn't enough.

 

You need to step back for a little while clear your head and look again with open eyes.....the way he is behaving right now seems to me like a performance. If you take him back and the relationship goes on ...will he cheat again????? I am sure not even he knows the answer to that.

 

Only you can make the choice to be with him or not. But before you do, think clearly of the situation and why it happened.

 

Good luck

 

kere

[Cookiefee]

Thanks everyone, I decided to give him another chance, but I think I did punish him for the time in between, and he realizes what he could have lost. I could be wrong, and he could cheat again, but for right now, I dont want to think that way. I layed down the line, saying if anything like that happens again, I dont care how much we love each other, we will just be over, and I will stand by that.

 

We talked about everything, and faught, and I even talked to the girl and saw her. I feel better about the situation, although I will never forget, I will try to forgive, and move on with the relationship. He tried explaining everything to me, and although the answer wasnt clear, I have an understanding of exactly what had happened. Our relationshp is worth giving another try, and although things will be different, we are both trying to get back to where we used to be, and all I can do now is pray to god this is what was supposed to happen.

 

So hopefully I wont have a reason to post any of my problems again on this board, but I just wanted to say that this is a really nice website with good response time and quality. For everyone who responded I just want to say thank you!

[Cant let go]

Girl its gonna be hard and I hear yah its so hard not to be angry my b/f did the same thing 2 yrs ago and I'm finding it very hard to forget about it, if you love each othe try getting some help together if he cares he'll come with you and maybe it will help sort things out.