Help me with a game plan to win her back

[Andrew28]

Somewhat complicated, but then aren't they all! And apologies for the long post .. but i wanted as much detail as possible..

 

I'm male 34 and she is 33.

 

We began dating in August last year after meeting through an online dating site. We took it fairly slow but we were exclusive from about a month in. She is a doctor and in her final year of specialty training so we could only really see each other about once a week between her work and study schedule, but we had a great time when ever we did see each other. She had only been intimate with one other person before me and initially we had a lot of difficulty getting the logistics of sex working right, she is quite small down there and also has a condition which makes the penetration very painful without regular activity.. muscle painful contractions etc.. With practice we overcame those and were doing fine up until about April this year. Things were great we talked of the future and made plans together. In February we booked a holiday to celebrate her finishing her exams that we would take in September.

 

From April she really had to knuckle down for her exams, the way it worked was that a certain percentage of her peers would fail so passing meant having to beat the competition rather than a hurdle mark.. she felt she was behind the pack so needed to put in a huge effort in her mind. She had said that she saw us together and married and me as the father of her children. She asked for me to understand that she would need to study a great deal over the coming months. I agreed that it was the most important thing for her to focus on and said i'd support her and give her her space. We lived separate BTW. From here we saw each other very infrequently, maybe twice a month at best, and in the last few months in the lead up to her exams i probably only saw her twice. Sex after April was virtually non existent, when she saw me she was totally exhausted and the condition she had was getting worse. In May she told me she was going to go off the pill as it was known to hinder memory retention so that meant no sex till after exams anyway Her exams began in June and concluded in August. She also had accepted a training position in England (we are in Australia) that would see her there for pretty much all of 2017.. fortunately I have been at my job long enough to take paid leave for about 6 months and the other 6 months i was going to take as unpaid to go and live with her there for the year.

 

Throughout the whole time we wee together we would text every day at least in the morning to say good morning and again to say goodnight..with plenty of texting throughout the day.

 

From all accounts, hers, her peers and other doctors who i know have gone through the rigors of these exams tell me it is stressful beyond anything they have ever been through. A friend of hers was telling us at a wedding we went to that it took her a year to feel normal again after she passed her exams.

 

In August we began to start to see each other more regularly (1-2 times a week), we went to a wedding and had a great time. The lagging effects of the exams saw her still quite tired and stressed until she had her results (she passed!) and she had a long list of chores/things she needed to get done that she had been neglecting while preparing for her exams. Added to this, she was also on call at her current job, so many of her weekday evening were spent following up patients etc.. so to sum up she was still quite time poor during this time.

 

We went away for a weekend towards the end of August, it was a surprise that I got for her during her exams as something to look forward too. We stayed at a winery and I had organised for us both to get massages in our room and that night things got really passionate, but eventually we were unable to have proper sex because it was just too painful. We talked about it and I was supportive and said it was Ok and it wasn't a problem for me and we can continue to work on it together. She agreed that she needed to go to physio therapy to get help with the problem. Which she did. September rolls up and we are finally about to go on our 10 day vacation to a tropical island location. We had been looking forward to it all year and we were both super excited to go. In the 2 weeks before going she had been very sick with a cough and this was still lagging as we went on the flight. The first night there she was still quite sick and tired from the flight so we took it pretty easy. She had recovered well by the 3rd day and was feeling a bit more perky. After a swim she joined me in the shower and things got very heated, I mentioned that we should head to the bed to continue and she told me that the physio said that until she goes through the course of therapy she shouldn't be having sex.. so I said it's OK we can still do other things and its fine. the rest of the trip was great we had a blast and made out plenty and i didn't put any pressure or mention the sex thing.. I thought we had had a great trip despite the lack of sex and I was clearly very much in love with her.

 

We get back home and everything seemed fine. We met again the following Thursday, things seemed OK but she was a little bit distant. Over the next few days her texting frequency began to be less frequent and shorter.. On the Sunday I sent her a text asking if everything was alright.. After some time she said the dreaded words.. I think we need to talk.. I asked her what it was about and she said lets just talk in person tomorrow. I tried to call but she texted back again that it was late and we should really talk tomorrow. I said OK lets talk tomorrow then.

 

Next day she asks to met at a cafe after work.. I can see the writing on the wall I get there and she has a bag with all the things of mine that were at her place. She tells me that we have become friends and that as much as she wants to be with me right now she can't see me as anything else. She is visibly very very upset and is crying a lot.. She says that it started happening during her exams because of the being apart and the pressures of her exams made her have to focus on that and not our relationship and it suffered. She had originally thought it was just the stress of exams that was causing her to pull away, but said even now after exams she is still having the feeling that I am more of a friend and she doesn't see the situation as recoverable.. basically i've been friend-zoned. I kept pretty composed.. obviously in shock.. but kept it together. I asked if she was sure and she said she was 100% sure. She talked a while more about how if she could change how she felt she would in an instant because there was nothing otherwise wrong with what we had.. said it was a tragedy of the timing in which we met.. not enough time to build a stronger relationship before her exam prep started for us to survive it..

 

She knew how much i loved her and that on the holiday she realized I really did have a strong love for her but she couldn't match it and started pulling away.

 

After a while i was satisfied she was telling me the whole story and it was the truth (she is honest to a fault and I trust that she wouldnt be lying about this).. I told her that she knows how I feel about her, and that isn't going to change any time soon, and that if she is sure that's how she feels about me now than the only thing that might recover it is time apart, so i agreed to the break up i guess. Told her if ever she changes her mind or has doubt that she needs to let me know, and she promised that she would. I asked her to promised that no matter what happens, we would meet again once she comes back from her training position in London..about 15 months from now, and she agreed without hesitation. Without promoting her, she said to me that if i happen to be in London while she is there I should look her up. We agreed to de-friend on Facebook there and then.. she said she wouldn't block me on messages, but probably wont be replying to any anytime soon either. I held her hands in mine for a little while and said we should go.. turns out she parked very close to me so I walked her to her car.. we hugged there for a moment and I said goodbye..I cried a little. This was 17 days ago.

 

I went NC immediately, but broke it 6 days after wards when I logged into the online dating site we were using out of curiosity and saw her profile there..with updated recent pictures.. It was hidden from public view but because she was saved as favourite of mine from when we first connected i was able to see it.. it triggered me to send her a text saying "Hi ex, I hope you are doing as well as can be expected. After a few days of thinking about our situation I agree that breaking up was the best thing for us to to do right now. I did have a few questions i wanted to ask you though..' .. i regretted it immediately.. and then deleted her number from my phone (after writing it down) so i didnt do that again.. Obviously i didn't get a response...

 

Since then (11 days) i've been NC, going to the gym, running, spending time with friends working on myself and concentrating on my own studies and work..etc..

 

In a bizarre twist of fate.. a colleague of mine was favourited by my ex and began a conversation with her on the dating site.. he knew about my situation and had seen her pic before on my desk so knew it was her, she had never seen this guy before so there was no way for her to now it was someone i knew.. he pressed her during his chat to get her to tell him about her last boyfriend and she told him exactly the same story she told me.. said it was very upsetting and sad but it was the right thing to do by me.. didn't lie about how long she'd been single.. told him 3 weeks.. it was actually 2 weeks 3 days but that's trivial. but also added it was probably over months before that and just took her time to figure it out properly.

 

Now.. she goes to London in Feb... and is actively looking to date locals now..which i'm fine with, for now... but it also means she is single..for now. her profile is also hidden so she will only be picking guys to talk to.. and that may also be an effort to spare me from seeing her on there. I know she is really really picky with guys.. like super picky.. so she is unlikely to get into a relationship too soon.. but you never know.. and she will be having all the sex problems with any new guy since the treatment wont be done for at least another month or so..

 

So what I want/need your help with.. I need a game plan to get her back.. I really do love this girl so want to give it a serious chance at a reconciliation, and i think the possibility is there, but i don't want to stuff it up.. I have 2 possible times for re contact which are at this point already agreed to by her.. in London, and when she gets back.. Do your magic!

[Andrina]

Since you didn't do anything wrong, what is there to fix? You were faithful. You made her a priority. You were kind and understanding. If she says she sees you as a friend after only a year together, it means she doesn't feel the passion she needs to feel for a partner.

 

Is it possible that you were a smothering presence and she doesn't want to come out and say so? If you didn't keep a regular schedule with guy friends and hobbies/interests that you did without her, and made her the sole center of your universe, then that's too much pressure on a woman. I'm not saying you did this. I'm just saying that if that's the case, you need to change that for any future relationship you have.

 

It may also have been too much pressure on her that you were willing to take an entire year off of work to be with her in England, where you wouldn't have your own friends and career to keep you busy. She would probably think of the pressure that she would be your only social life and waiting patiently for her to get home when she might be too tired to engage with you.

 

Sorry this isn't what you want to hear, but if you have to fight for someone or win them back, it's not the right relationship for you. You have to honor her wishes. You will not have closure when you're speaking to friends about her and you're checking on her dating profile. She's in your past now, and no contact and no communication is the way to go for closure.

 

Fate has someone else in store for your future. You can't imagine it now, but after mourning the relationship, you will eventually be ready to date again. The right woman will never leave you. Not even once.

[Andrew28]

Thanks for the tough but fair appraisal.. I think i know it's not recoverable deep down, but at this stage it is hard not to have hope. I had planned on doing NC and moving on with my life but wanted to make sure there wasn't something I could or should be doing that might help...

[ShatteredMan]

I'm in a similar situation.

 

I lost the woman that I loved dearly (and wanted to marry) due to overpursuit, being over generous (with gifts, paying for everything, putting 100% of my heart and soul into the relationship) and failed to read some subtle hints that she was losing interest in me. A month after our break up, she jumped into a relationship with someone else which I get to see often since she's my neighbor.

 

I've been killing myself emotionally with the fantasy of reconciliation for three months, all the while never hearing from her in any way. It hurts but I'm moving on now....no matter how painful it is.

 

My advice from what I've been going through:

 

1. Work on yourself - Gym, personal development. Since you're already hitting the gym, its a great positive first step....

2. Surround yourself with friends and go out often with them. You never know who you may meet out there....

3. Don't obsess with a game plan. I've been doing this and its worthless. A woman "votes with her feet". She is going to go to the man she wants to be with no matter what.

4. Stick with No Contact. If she comes calling, do not immediately respond. Give it a day or two especially if you are genuinely busy. This will allow you to formulate an appropriate response in terms of a short but sweet message. DO NOT allude to anything that says you've been missing her or working on yourself, etc.

5. Make a list of what made you happy in the relationship, her qualities, what each of you brought to the relationship. Then do a list all the negatives that frustrated you in the relationship, her qualities/behaviors that drove you nuts, what each of you brought to the relationship in terms of negativity. You may find that the list of negatives out number the positives which tells you something...

6. Do not think that hooking up and nailing every girl you can will make you feel better or "get you back in the game". It will be the most worthless physical and emotional experience you'll ever have.

7. Stay strong. You've done nothing wrong.

[bluefields]

Somewhat complicated, but then aren't they all! And apologies for the long post .. but i wanted as much detail as possible..

 

Hi. I can relate to your ex. I've had similar complications with my ex. Details are in another thread. I just wanted to say I don't think at this stage you can do anything. You need to let time run it's course. I broke up with my ex two years ago. Objectively speaking, it was needy and co-dependent. We went NC for nine months. Neither of us broke it even once. Nine months may seem like a long time, but it was necessary to think and cope with life without him. But I guess I never really got over him. We're "friends" right now. Because as it turns out, it was enough time for him to move on. Some people just need time to grow up I guess. Maybe in the future she will change her mind. Or maybe you are both destined to be somewhere else. Right now, you might be in denial. You've got to accept that she decided it wasn't working.

 

Here's something I thought you might consider:

 

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

Source: A Choice of Kipling's Verse (1943)

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you both tried and cared a lot. It seems she's struggling with several issues mostly the rigors of her training and intimacy. She was kind to be as honest and self-effacing as possible.

 

She astutely realizes you are not on the same page and that she must dedicate herself to her profession and not romantic vacations, massages, sexual performance, etc.

 

She may be out there dating again to find someone more compatible, or local or who understands her needs more precisely. You could ask to meet up when you are in the UK or when she gets back, but it sounds like she's decided there are too many obstacles to overcome, after trying with you. up

She tells me that we have become friends and that as much as she wants to be with me right now she can't see me as anything else. She is visibly very very upset and is crying a lot.. She says that it started happening during her exams because of the being apart and the pressures of her exams made her have to focus on that