Can a cheater ever reform?

[Irishness]

I'm married and before the marriage my husband cheated on me, he went on holiday and was heavily involved with another woman the majority of time he was there.

 

I found out but was led to believe it was a meaningless one night thing, we married a year later because within that year he did everything he could to earn my trust and I forgave him. However, after we married I discovered the relationship with the woman on holiday was much deeper, he stayed in contact when he came home, he Skyep her each day for at least a fortnight, he even bought her some expensive personalised jewellery, sent her some love songs and so on. This tore me apart because if I'd have been aware of all that I most certainly not have gotten married.

 

Now fast forward a few years after we are married, I discover he has a LinkedIn account which I never knew about (he didn't mention it) and on that linkedin account was his ex girlfriend who he was with for several years and some other girls who he doesn't know. I must stress that these people are not job oportunities for him as he's an engineer and these ladies worked in PR and so on, nothing that's ever going to open any doors for him in his career.

 

I struggled mostly with the ex though, as he has only had the LinkedIn a year after we were married, so it's not like she's been there all along.

 

And I must add, he doesn't know the other few ladies, and he doesn't have random girls on his Facebook as I am on that.

 

Am I being paranoid? Or am I right to have concerns?

 

Please help

[Kaykayxo]

You definitely are entitled to your concerns. You have caught him cheating in the past, as well as hiding the extent of it. I am not saying once a cheater, always a cheater.. but it seems to be in his nature . Some people have trouble being monogamous. Some people go looking for trouble. However you say he has striven to prove to you he has reformed and you trusted him enough to marry him and forgive his mistakes... at this point I would just tell him your concerns & hope he gives you the full truth. His behaviour isn't all innocent (having an ex on an account) but it doesn't HAVE to mean the worst. Try communicating with him however ask yourself this: if you did catch him in this scenario again, how would you deal with it?

[Irishness]

You definitely are entitled to your concerns. You have caught him cheating in the past, as well as hiding the extent of it. I am not saying once a cheater, always a cheater.. but it seems to be in his nature . Some people have trouble being monogamous. Some people go looking for trouble. However you say he has striven to prove to you he has reformed and you trusted him enough to marry him and forgive his mistakes... at this point I would just tell him your concerns & hope he gives you the full truth. His behaviour isn't all innocent (having an ex on an account) but it doesn't HAVE to mean the worst. Try communicating with him however ask yourself this: if you did catch him in this scenario again, how would you deal with it?

 

Hi, thanks for your advise.

 

If I were to catch him again I would leave, I couldn't take that pain again. I asked him about the LinkedIn thing and he fobbed me off saying LinkedIn must have automatically added her, I didn't buy that for one second but I asked why has he kept her on there, he wouldn't have her on his Facebook or in his phone contacts, so why have her on a professional networking site? Part of me thinks it's because I don't use LinkedIn, so he perhaps thought I'd never find out.

 

If it was innocent would he have kept it from me? I am genuinely confused as my gut is saying its a tad creepy and sneaky but I don't know.

[Kaykayxo]

Yes... it's sooo difficult when somebody we love is telling us one thing but signs our pointing to the other. I would watch for other red flags indicating he is having sex out of your marriage or engaging in inappropriate behaviour/chat online with these women. Having her on his profile is not a "crime" but I can see how any women would find this bothersome .

 

At the end of the day we have to be aware of our surroundings however we cannot become obsessive. If you have a bad gut feeling about the relationship as a whole maybe it signifies something beyond why he has his ex on his LinkedIn. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship and when it has been tested or broken it is very difficult to overcome these things. Perhaps he should be more sensitive considering he has been caught in the past and delete his ex . That would be the smart thing if a man who respected his wife and wanted her trust. Just saying.

[Irishness]

Yes... it's sooo difficult when somebody we love is telling us one thing but signs our pointing to the other. I would watch for other red flags indicating he is having sex out of your marriage or engaging in inappropriate behaviour/chat online with these women. Having her on his profile is not a "crime" but I can see how any women would find this bothersome .

 

At the end of the day we have to be aware of our surroundings however we cannot become obsessive. If you have a bad gut feeling about the relationship as a whole maybe it signifies something beyond why he has his ex on his LinkedIn. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship and when it has been tested or broken it is very difficult to overcome these things. Perhaps he should be more sensitive considering he has been caught in the past and delete his ex . That would be the smart thing if a man who respected his wife and wanted her trust. Just saying.

 

The ex and him didn't remain friends after the breakup, they didn't speak for years and then she shows up on LinkedIn. He did delete her right away but I'm a firm believer in exes are exes for a reason an unless you are close friends with them they shouldn't make it into your future. I don't know, maybe I'm just a bit of a control freak with things like that. He wouldn't be happy with me having an ex on my Facebook account, he's made that clear, or any guys for that matter, my PT added me on fb and my husband said he wouldn't be happy if I accepted the friend request so I didn't.

 

What I don't get is that was a genuine thing, it's an easy way for a PT to post and tag his clients in classes they may be interested in. But that wasn't okay, yet he had this LinkedIn, never told me and had girls on it. It is giving me red flags and I'm worried.

 

I just feel maybe it's in him to cheat again and I couldn't deal with another blow like that.

[Blue Dreamer]

I just feel maybe it's in him to cheat again and I couldn't deal with another blow like that.

 

In relation, your insecurity serves as a good advisory if you are able to listen, though can ultimately be the death of you if you are unable to. I would move on to smoother relation waters without the potential for tsunami. Always remind yourself, you only live human once.

[Irishness]

Your insecurity serves as a good advisory if you listen, though can ultimately be the death of you if you don't. I would move on to smoother relation waters without the potential for tsunami. Always remind yourself, you only live human once.

 

Thanks for the advise. Do I have cause for concerns or do you think I'm

open to reading into things based on what's happened in the past?

[Blue Dreamer]

Do I have cause for concerns or do you think I'm

open to reading into things based on what's happened in the past?

 

Look, I am blunt. Yes you have serious cause for concern with this guy. He cheated on you and there have been issues well beyond the marriage. You can't change him. You need to process & accept that reality with time.

 

My best advice to you: Happiness can only be derived by self, not from your potentially cheatable husband. Your time is limited. Don't waste what little time you have available to you now. Time to move on to new waters.

[Irishness]

Look, I am blunt. Yes you have serious cause for concern with this guy. He cheated on you and there have been issues well beyond the marriage. You can't change him. You need to process & accept that reality with time.

 

My best advice to you: Happiness can only be derived by self, not from your potentially cheatable husband. Your time is limited. Don't waste what little time you have available to you now. Time to move on to new waters.

 

That's exactly my views on it, life is short and too short to waste it wondering if you can trust someone or not. I think it's the fear of being alone that keeps me form breaking away.

[JaggerJim]

The short answer is no. Leopards can't change their spots, and cheetahs will always be cheetahs. If you think it's dodgy well I think it's dodgy too. Being alone is better than always wondering and living in paranoia.

[SherrySher]

Hi again Irishness. I think you know that this marriage is not working out, for several reasons.I think it's time you either decide to contact a marriage counsellor (if you still want to try and save it) or a lawyer. Those are the only choices left here. I am sorry you are going through this. He hasn't behaved properly for a long time now.

[Hermes]

Irish. This is truly what's at the heart of the matter.

 

"I think it's the fear of being alone that keeps me form breaking away."

 

You know full well what the situation is, and it isn't paranoia. It's reality, and reality is at times hard to face.

 

Can I ask why you have this fear of being alone, as in alone without a man/husband?

[Irishness]

The short answer is no. Leopards can't change their spots, and cheetahs will always be cheetahs. If you think it's dodgy well I think it's dodgy too. Being alone is better than always wondering and living in paranoia.

 

I do believe some people can change but others just aren't capable of it. Yes, it is dodgy, it's not a website that you just add people to socialise with, so I am incompatible with it.

[Irishness]

Hi again Irishness. I think you know that this marriage is not working out, for several reasons.I think it's time you either decide to contact a marriage counsellor (if you still want to try and save it) or a lawyer. Those are the only choices left here. I am sorry you are going through this. He hasn't behaved properly for a long time now.

 

Hi again sherrysher.

Yes, you're right and this online thing did contribute to what then went to do as I felt so insecure and paranoid.

 

I think I would like to work at my marriage and finally he has agreed to counselling, had a long talk with him this morning and explained how I was feeling and he said if he thinks counselling will make us better he will go and he admitted he needs to change.

 

His reason for the LinkedIn thing was that she added him and he didn't think having her on there would be a big deal as he wanted to have as many contacts as possible. (Still don't believe that)

 

But I'm going to give it one last shot and if there's no change I'm leaving. Being paranoid and insecure is no way to live.

[Irishness]

Irish. This is truly what's at the heart of the matter.

 

"I think it's the fear of being alone that keeps me form breaking away."

 

You know full well what the situation is, and it isn't paranoia. It's reality, and reality is at times hard to face.

 

Can I ask why you have this fear of being alone, as in alone without a man/husband?

 

I have a fear of being alone as my family are mostly dead, all the people I've loved have passed away and only my mother is still alive, and I don't ever want to burden her or my siblings with this as they are all grieving right now also. Plus I don't see much of my siblings and they I've far away, so apart from my husband I really don't have much support.

[Hermes]

Well, your own company will likely be the best you ever have. We are and have to be our own best friend. And there is that saying (paraphrasing) "better alone than in poor company".

 

I definitely would not speak to siblings or family about your present situation and difficulties. But perhaps spend some time in their company to talk to them about their grief, or even just see them now and then, simply to meet. I do hope you have friends where you are anyhow. Ireland is not that big a place!

[Irishness]

Well, your own company will likely be the best you ever have. We are and have to be our own best friend. And there is that saying (paraphrasing) "better alone than in poor company".

 

I definitely would not speak to siblings or family about your present situation and difficulties. But perhaps spend some time in their company to talk to them about their grief, or even just see them now and then, simply to meet. I do hope you have friends where you are anyhow. Ireland is not that big a place!

 

I agree, I would never want to talk about this with my family as I feel they have enough going on and they would also cast judgement on me for staying.

 

I don't have much friends, as we are all at a crossroads, I'm married, my other girlfriends are singles and doing the dating scene and my best friend is off travelling the world after a bad break up, so don't want to spoil her fun with my problems.

[Hermes]

Well, keep in contact anyhow with the friend travelling the world. Just to get her news and talk to her about stuff other than the current situation. I know when one gets married one does lose contact with some friends, and then pick up again later. But the long-term friends (from back in school and college days, and only a handful) I never lost contact with them.

 

Which is why I say (not wishing to labour the point Irish) but talking to an objective third party can be so helpful and uplifting. There is the confidentiality aspect and you can speak of anything you like without fear of your situation being broadcast to the world at large.

 

Aaah. Just wanted to add re LinkedIn. It is no more a professional site (though touted as such) than FB is. I was on there some years back, briefly I can tell you.....

Between the trolls, the scammers and the spammers, never seen anything quite like it, and no regulation (of course) by the LI management, if there is such a thing. Although unsubscribed I still get the odd email from people I don't know asking me to add them on LI. and when on there it seemed to have certain aspects of a dating and meet-up site, as lots of PMS asking to meet, talk, get in touch.

[HeartGoesOn]

I kept it bottled up for a while and then one night I saw my ex in a bar and I slept with him. I was disgusted with myself as I've never physically cheated on anyone but it was purely done out of hurt and revenge but if anything it made me feel worse.

 

^

The above is a quote from your thread posted a few days ago. At some point if you do opt for marriage counselling, this will have to come out, otherwise it will defeat the purpose in regards to saving your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to minimize your concerns, and I'm sorry for what you've been through.

[MissCanuck]

In this case, no. I don't think he can be reformed because for him to have cheated with someone else and then carried on with her indicates he wasn't in love with you. A man in love and with deep respect for you doesn't behave the way he did.

 

You two married on a broken foundation and with the knowledge that he had fallen for someone else. I don't believe a marriage that starts on such shaky foundations really ever goes on to become a solid union. With the latest social media discovery, I think you have every reason to be concerned.

 

Sorry, but I wouldn't waste any more years of my life with a man like this.

[Irishness]

Well, keep in contact anyhow with the friend travelling the world. Just to get her news and talk to her about stuff other than the current situation. I know when one gets married one does lose contact with some friends, and then pick up again later. But the long-term friends (from back in school and college days, and only a handful) I never lost contact with them.

 

Which is why I say (not wishing to labour the point Irish) but talking to an objective third party can be so helpful and uplifting. There is the confidentiality aspect and you can speak of anything you like without fear of your situation being broadcast to the world at large.

 

Aaah. Just wanted to add re LinkedIn. It is no more a professional site (though touted as such) than FB is. I was on there some years back, briefly I can tell you.....

Between the trolls, the scammers and the spammers, never seen anything quite like it, and no regulation (of course) by the LI management, if there is such a thing. Although unsubscribed I still get the odd email from people I don't know asking me to add them on LI. and when on there it seemed to have certain aspects of a dating and meet-up site, as lots of PMS asking to meet, talk, get in touch.

 

You have offered me very sound advice and I do tend to take it.

 

I will keep in touch with my friend who's travelling as I'm so happy for her and look forward to hearing her tails of the world (even if I'm a tad jealous of some parts lol)

 

I have just lost touch with a lot of old childhood friends due to my depression, I've completely lost my confidence to the point i tend to avoid people, which I know is contributing to my demise but I have just lost interest in things I once found interesting.

 

I will be starting counselling sessions in November and I'm going to make the most of that opportunity to rebuild myself.

 

I agree, LInkedIn can be abused by certain uses....I think my husband may have been one of them unfortunately. Who knows what will happen when I am getting professional help, maybe I'll realise I can be alone and be with someone trustworthy. I just want that so much.

[Irishness]

^

The above is a quote from your thread posted a few days ago. At some point if you do opt for marriage counselling, this will have to come out, otherwise it will defeat the purpose in regards to saving your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to minimize your concerns, and I'm sorry for what you've been through.

 

I'm not condoning what I've done but that was all as a result of all this, never have I before or after done anything like that.

[Irishness]

In this case, no. I don't think he can be reformed because for him to have cheated with someone else and then carried on with her indicates he wasn't in love with you. A man in love and with deep respect for you doesn't behave the way he did.

 

You two married on a broken foundation and with the knowledge that he had fallen for someone else. I don't believe a marriage that starts on such shaky foundations really ever goes on to become a solid union. With the latest social media discovery, I think you have every reason to be concerned.

 

Sorry, but I wouldn't waste any more years of my life with a man like this.

 

Hi. Thanks for the advice. I do agree, however, I didn't know he had fallen for someone else, that only came out after the marriage, a year later. So when I married I thought he had changed, then I discovered that followed by him having other girls on his LinkedIn.

 

I don't want to throw my marriage away but if we don't get help I may have to.

[Hermes]

I hope everything goes well for you Irish. I am sure you will pull up a bit once you start seeing the counsellor. I do so hope the sessions can be frequent and not once a month......I am well aware of how long it can take to get an appointment on the public service, and equally aware that it can be costly on the private...

 

Life can seem grim at times, but...nothing lasts forever.

 

All the best and stay in touch with us here,

 

Just to add that no need to think you are the only one (or couple) out there with difficulties. I know a few which just come to mind now who've encountered problems like yours and are soldiering on towards trying to make a go of it...

[Irishness]

I hope everything goes well for you Irish. I am sure you will pull up a bit once you start seeing the counsellor. I do so hope the sessions can be frequent and not once a month......I am well aware of how long it can take to get an appointment on the public service, and equally aware that it can be costly on the private...

 

Life can seem grim at times, but...nothing lasts forever.

 

All the best and stay in touch with us here,

 

Just to add that no need to think you are the only one (or couple) out there with difficulties. I know a few which just come to mind now who've encountered problems like yours and are soldiering on towards trying to make a go of it...

 

I think once I am finally opening up about it and my husband has to listen and face up to things without yelling it will be a good thing for us both.

 

I really need a third party opinion and some coping strategies to help me move on.

 

If it doesn't help me the way I hope for I will have no choice but to leave as I've wasted to much time and energy on this and I don't want to be unhappy any longer.

 

Again thanks for your help and I will keep you posted on the progress.