"Insignificant" Activities - Should they be shared

[AlleyCat]

My b/f is a relatively private person and that's not too much of a problem, for the most part. However, we recently had an argument regarding "insignificant details." Essentially, there are several things that he doesn't share with me because they're insignificant to him and he thinks I'm being ridiculous for wanting to know those types of things.

 

For example, he had a friend that he talked to on IM for hours every day (no, this friend was not female, in case you're wondering). He never mentioned anything about this friend until he was this guy's best man at his wedding. He considered the fact that he talked to him most days over IM "insignificant," and never even mentioned it to me. After being together for over 6 years, I thought I pretty much knew all of his close friends, but apparently not. I know he has several other friends like this because I can see several IM screens on his computer at a time, but I don't have a clue who they are and he thinks I'm being ridiculous for even caring, because he considers these IM conversations "insignificant."

 

Most of these things (that I know about) revolve around the computer. We live together, and he spends hours and hours every night (and all day at work) messing around on the internet, and because he considers this type of thing insignificant, he doesn't tell me anything about it, and when I ask, he just says he was "messing around on the internet."

 

Of course I realize I'll never know every detail about his life, but this makes me feel that he's hiding about 2/3 of his life from me (he spends A LOT of time on the internet). Am I wrong for being interested in this type of thing, the type of thing that takes hours and hours out of his day, but isn't especially important to him? I'm certainly not saying he should tell me every time he spends 2 hours looking for things on e-bay, but the fact that he does this *sometimes* would be nice to know. What do you think?

[MetallicAguy]

Well if I were him, I wouldn't care if I told you about these "insignificances". If they're so insignificant, why does it matter to tell someone you know really well? Tell him that. lol. He's probably either cheating and/or looking at porn on the computer(that's if he has the time and privacy lol).

[Sn0man]

I think that as being on the internet is part of his job,, and that he chats with posple on msn, is not a big deal and nothing you need to worry about. I think if you make a big deal about it you'll just end up causing relationship conflict over something that sounds quite insignificant.

[Blue Skittles]

I had a couple boyfriends that would do the exact same thing -- they would get all like pretentious when i would even look over their shoulder when they were on the internet. It drives me crazy! As I am sure it is driving you crazy now.

 

Anyways, he is spending so much time on the internet.... so the internet is obviously a big part of his life... I think you should make it clear to him that internet friendships are NOT insignificant.. in fact some of the best friendships can start over the internet, obviously, and ask him to be more open with you. Make it clear that you do not need to know every detail of every thing he does, but tell him that you feel like he is shutting off a big part of his life from you and if you are important he should share some of this with you... If he is not willing to do this - then there is a plan B, which from my experience, WORKS... lol. So, plan B, start being more independent... go out with friends, get out a lot more, don't tell him about any of it, just live your own life, leave him out of it for awhile. Eventually, he will start 'missing' you and wondering where you are... He'll want to spend more time with you and less time on the internet...

 

A friend of mine at work had this talk with me today - about relationships and what happens... she said if she starts acting like the 'guy', like not caring, being independent, not wanting to spend time, they always start calling mroe and wondering what she's up to and if she'll come over and watch movies and stuff... So I guess start acting like the 'guy' and see what happens.

 

Hopefully plan A works though - so you won't have to resort to plan B. Good luck.

[DN]

Does he know you post on here?

[Day_Walker]

It sounds like you and your significant other have different ideas of what "insignificant" actually means. Obviously you are concerned because he isnt communicating with you about something that you feel is important. Unless his you can talk to him and show him that these so called insignificant relationships are important then he isnt going to tell you about them.

[Cecelius]

Does he know you post on here?

 

That's pretty funny.

[Sn0man]

Good call DN, very very good call.

[AlleyCat]

I think that as being on the internet is part of his job,, and that he chats with posple on msn, is not a big deal and nothing you need to worry about.

 

Thank you all for the advice so far.

 

First of all, I'm not concerned about the things he does on the internet that are part of his job. I have a basic understanding of his job - I don't feel that I need to know everything he does. I just want to feel that I have at least a basic understanding of the things that are a part of his life.

 

As for talking to people, that itself doesn't bother me - it's the fact that he's not open about it that does bother me. If I knew that he talked to person a and person b every day, I wouldn't care. It's more the fact that I don't know who person a and person b are that bothers me.

[AlleyCat]

I've really tried to understand why he thinks of internet friendships as so insignificant, but I just can't. In fact, WE met online. He also met his best friend, and several of his other close friends, online. We talked a little more last night after our argument and he was a little more receptive, but he still just doesn't understand how I feel and I don't know how to make him do so.

 

As for plan B, I've done that here and there. That's exactly why I started coming on here. I know he has several forums that he posts on regularly, so I thought I'd feel better if I had my own. To those who have asked if he knows I come on here, no, he doesn't, specifically. That's *not* because I think it's so insignificant I shouldn't tell him about it. I haven't mentioned it because it makes me feel just a tiny bit better to have my own "secret" since he has so many of his own. I really hate feeling that way, but it's the truth. And I've actually mentioned that I post on a forum site occasionally, so it's really not much of a secret at all - I just haven't been specific about it and he obviously doesn't care. If he ever expressed any interest in my internet activities, I'd be open about it (and he probably already knows just about everything I do online anyway).

 

As for other aspects of "Plan B," I've tried those too from time to time - such as going out with my friends and not really talking about what we did unless he asks, but that's difficult for me because I really feel like we should share those types of things. Also, we live together. I guess this is just one of the stereotypical male/female differences, although I've never considered myself to be especially "open" in general - that's part of the reason why it's so disconcerting to me to find someone even more secretive than I am.

[DN]

 

[ I guess this is just one of the stereotypical male/female differences, although I've never considered myself to be especially "open" in general - that's part of the reason why it's so disconcerting to me to find someone even more secretive than I am.

 

The problem with stereotypes is that they don't help deal with individual cases. Usually because they are not true.

 

You seem to think it is ok for you to be secretive or not "open" but you don't like it that he is more secretive than you. Don't you find that a little hypocritical? Who decides how much secretiveness is ok? Why should it be you?

[AlleyCat]

The problem with stereotypes is that they don't help deal with individual cases. Usually because they are not true.

 

You seem to think it is ok for you to be secretive or not "open" but you don't like it that he is more secretive than you. Don't you find that a little hypocritical? Who decides how much secretiveness is ok? Why should it be you?

 

I must have given the wrong impression. I really don't think being secretive is ok, for the most part, in a relationship. Anything I've done that could be construed as "secretive" has basically been to try to understand why he's so secretive. I'm really not saying being secretive is ok, and I think I mentioned that pretty much any time I've actually tried to be secretive, I've ended up opening up about the issue, because I feel it's wrong. I have just thought on a few occasions that maybe if I tried to be more like that, I would come to feel that it really wasn't so wrong after all. That hasn't been the case, however.

 

As for not being open in general, I don't see a problem with that - I just think it's wrong to be like that while in a committed relationship for almost seven years. I don't act the same way in public as I do with my significant other, family, or close friends, and I really don't think of that as being hypocritical.

[LiquidCherry]

I spend some of my free time on the computer usually playing games or chatting to friends. I don't tell my boyfriend about my conversations unless one happened to be interesting but usually they are not and hardly worth mentioning. In fact, if I were to tell him, "oh I talked to so and so today over AIM," I think he'd look at me funny and wonder why I was about to bore him with this conversation. I couldn't sleep last night and "talked" to one of my friends online. The conversation lasted about 40 minutes. In real life it would have taken less than five, I'm sure. I understand why you would want to know a little about what your boyfriend does but for me the computer has this nice brain numbing quality about it and I know I also don't consider conversations I've had online as something I've done that day. When telling my boyfriend the trivial things that happened to me I'll tell him about how my son's dentist appointment went, how my classes are going, and the idiot who cut me off when I was driving to the store.. Never have I brought up the internet. It's not that I'm hiding something from him I jiust don't consider it an important part of my day.

[novaseeker]

It's interesing. Everyone is different I suppose.

 

The folks I chat with on the internet are generally friends -- whether in real life or just on the internet. I don't see my conversations with them as insignificant, because sometimes we do talk about significant or interesting things. I couldn't be bothered, really, just randomly chatting with someone who isn't really a friend about random stuff ... I guess that would be insigificant to me, so I wouldn't bother doing it, and I'd prefer doing something else. But that's just me.