This is Too Much Too Soon...But He Won't Back Off!!!

[romantic sweetheart]

I recently met someone who is a very feeling person, but he is also extremely forward...in the sense he wants to rush into everything.. committment, time spent together, talk of marriage, etc.

 

I have been very ill the past week, and last night I was just getting into bed when he rang my doorbell. He wanted to talk, so I talked with him for a bit. For a half hour he spoke of how when he first saw me his whole life changed--that he was just ready to leave this town, but I made him want to stay.

 

He was asking me to decide for him--whether or not he should leave. It was too much for me...too much pressure to feel responsible for this near-stranger's fate. He kept persisting, even shedding tears as he said, "I knew it was too good to be true..now you are being taken away from me."

 

He said he would wait for me forever....he would even "share" me if he had to...because he said he knew that I had other suitors I was contemplating.

 

I was feeling so tired and sick, and I kept saying I had to go to bed, but he kept taking my hands and telling me all these things---they were very sweet, but it was just too much right now.

 

I really don't know what to do. I seem to be in this spot where I feel so responsible for him...The second I allude to needing to slow things down, he looks absolutely crushed.....I have no idea how to handle this.

 

He finally left when I promised I would speak with him tomorrow...But I just can't handle all this right now. He wants to do all these errands for me, chores, etc....It is all very nice, but WOW...all too fast!!

 

What do I need to do to ease this situation a bit???? Without being cruel???? I was as firm as I could be...but it's he refuses to hear.....he is bent on making this work...And I've known him only a week!

 

Help!!!!

[arwen]

Sweety,

 

Your still too nice to this guy. He IS a perfect stranger, I find it really 'suspicious' when a man practically makes you the God of his life or something to that extent.

 

From what you describe, I think you'd be better off by eliminating all contact with him. He sounds desperate, immature and completely without any firm foundation or balance in his own life. Maybe i am seeing things really black and white, i am a quite critical person myself, and of course I don't know the guy.

 

He won't back off when you make such 'easy' concessions, like 'taking it slow, but hey I am calling you tomorrow' (what do you mean slow?).

 

I really don't want to be harsh. But I can't get rid of the feeling that he could turn out to be a dangerous or even abusive man.

 

Please allow yourself to be firm without the gentle.

 

Ilse.

[Prosper]

You need to be very firm and assertive right now.

 

You need not sounds like you are pushing him away, and you need not sound like you are a pushover.

 

Tell him you have a maid to take care of things here and you are not in need of additional help. Add also, you can handle things by yourself.

 

Though you may have promised you would call, well, just dont. Wait and see what his next step is.

 

You can also tell him, he is too persistent sometimes, and you enjoy spending time with yourself.

 

I hope the advices here are just enough.

 

Keep us updated, ya?

[DN]

even if he is not a stalker he is very desperate. He almost certainly has problems that you would have to deal with for years if you ever got into a long term relationship with him. If you are at all interested in him I think you should proceed with extreme caution. If you have any doubts you should break off with him as gently but as firmly as you can, leaving him in no doubt that you do not want to see him again. If he persists in calling, visiting etc. then you should take steps, police if necessary, to make him stop.

[Celadon]

Romantic sweetheart, if it helps any, I'm sure you're not the first person he's thrown himself at. By his profile, he sounds like someone who is desperate for a romance to "save" him. From what, I don't know - past hurt, self-hatred, fear of being alone.

 

He needs a counselor, not a girlfriend, because he's not capable of having a mature relationship. He cannot control his own behavior, nor understand or respect your needs.

 

If you know of any counselors in your area, or could get some recommendations, you might want to get their numbers and pass them along to your suitor. It would be the most compassionate thing you could do before you break off all contact with him.

[Emotional]

Thats Freaking Scary! get out of the relationship while u still can.

 

Oviously this guy has not ever been in a real relationship or he would put his foot down about "sharing you" what kind of guy whats 2nds? I thinkt hats completely weird lol.

 

He seems sweet and kind and really understanding. If ur the kind of girl who likes to control, heres ur chance.Nooo but seriously, I dont know about this guy.

 

It seems like he needs to slow down. Tell him he is going to fast and needs to slow down with the whole relationship. Who knows maybe u will turn out liking it and it wont be weird. But right now..>Aren't u the least concerned with this?

 

Im sure u are ...Can u see a life with this guy? Children? Seeing this guy Eveeryday. Wow a lot of commitment weirdness as well...

 

I dont know lemme know what u are going to do about this...Im interested in this b/c i have the same shyt going on. Sourtof and i am only 17. This guy wants to get recruited and join the army. SOOO Freaky tho i feel al il weakness wanting him to stay by my side.

 

Tell him he needs to slow down!..slow wayyyy down...How long have u known this guy for...

 

Pm me if u want.

[11flower]

All excellent advice from everyone. I can't disagree at all. In this situation, I could see you could easily feeling very trapped, even imprisoned by this relationship. There would be a relationship that is all about him, more about him than the two of you.

 

The fact that he did not acknowledge that you were sick and left because you needed rest tells you something.

 

I knew someone personally whose husband told her that if she didn't marry him, he'd literally commit suicide because he couldn't live without her. Not too many years after they were married, he left her for another woman.

 

Nope. I tend to be a pretty cautious person. You're you; but if it were me, as flattered as I'd be to be getting this sort of attention and seeming cherishing from someone, I'd drop him in a heartbeat permanently.

 

You see, if you were to test this by actually dropping him, or I mean telling him you can no longer see him, watching his reaction, you'd know by that either way what you should do.

 

11flower

[arwen]

I'd say take the advice here at heart, girl. I think there the situation described by 11flower should be avoided no matter what. You say he even cried. Well, if this guy would be emotionally unstable that would make sense of course.

 

But in addition, crying can be related to the 'Oh, I will commit suicide if you' in terms of emotional blackmail.

 

Ilse.

[Prosper]

I forget to add something.

 

Guys like that, do things on purpose to get onto your nerves, such that you would give way to him, or give him the green light for the things he wants badly and that you would oppose of.

 

Dun be aggressive, you nebber know what he is going to do. Should you ever feel angry, dun ever show it, or even admit it. Stay cool as if he has nothing to do with you.

 

After not getting the attention he needed, he would back-off.

[shes2smart]

You keep saying how you "don't want to hurt anyone." Yet you wind up hurting yourself. You are also "anyone." Of all "anyones" you may encounter in life, you need to put yourself at the top of the "people I don't want to hurt" list.

 

Have you ever had to sit through the safety lecture on an airplane? Remember the part about the oxygen masks? They tell you if you are travelling with children or others who need assistance you should put your mask on first -- THEN assist others.

 

In the same way you need to watch out for your own needs first, because no one else is going to do it for you. Take care of your own needs first and you will be in a better position to assist others -- IF you choose to do so.

 

Asserting onself and seeing that one is not being taken advantage of is not selfish. It's the way a person who respects and cares for herself behaves.

 

A selfish person would be one who puts their needs above anyone else's, all the time, with no regard for others. I seriously doubt you're capable of that. But you really could stand to be more forceful when it comes to defining your boundaries and not letting people run roughshod all over you.

[MetallicAguy]

This guy obviously hasn't had a date all of his life, the longest relationship he had was for a week at maximum lol. I think you should leave him, he's pretty desperate. Probably someone you don't want to waste time with. Just assuming but, I don't think women want an ***-kisser.

[Spirits Away]

Put it this way, he lost it that day. And i think he doesn't know how else to express himself better than his overwhelming speech. A bit not in the flow with what's going on.

 

If you ask me, rather than thinking he's immature, his emotion overwhelmned him. That seems to be the cause of everything.

 

I think there isn't anything you can do to not hurt him. So trust your own decision and handle it.

 

 

I don't understand what one of the poster meant when she said that you're hurting yourself. How is it hurting you? To decide on how to reject him?

[shes2smart]

I don't understand what one of the poster meant when she said that you're hurting yourself. How is it hurting you? To decide on how to reject him?

 

I've been reading romanticsweetheart's posts for a while now.

 

How is this hurting her?

 

1. She's posted about becoming involved with men who aren't treating her well. That should be self-explanatory as to how that's hurting her.

 

2. She stated that she was uncomfortable with the age difference between

herself and another suitor (I believe it's this same guy who's crowding her now). If she knows she can't overlook the age difference, then she's compromsing what she wants in a negative way. She's settling for less than what she wants for herself, and yes, that hurts her in the long run. She's got every right to decide that she doesn't want to date someone over a certain age or race or religion or hair color or someone who listens to 80's hair metal. When it comes to relationships, we all have our preferences, we don't have to be equal opportunity daters if we don't want to.

 

3. While she spends her time on men who don't treasure her for the precious soul that she is, she makes herself unavailable by being too busy with them to meet one who would treat her well and she would be comfortable and compatible with. While the guy who's crowding her now appears to lavish attention/affection on her, I'd say that has more to do with HIS issues than anything about her. In any event, it is clear his behavior is making her uncomfortable. Yup, that hurts, too.

 

If her goal is to get into a healthy, lasting relationship these things are hurting her by preventing her from getting there, true?

 

The guy she's dealing with now is the sort who has to be told bluntly, clearly (and probably repeatedly) that he's out of line. Trying to spare his feelings and drop hints won't work with someone like this -- they have too many issues of their own to hear it. I dated one like this once. They're tough to get rid of even for someone like me who can be lacking in the tact & diplomacy department.

 

While she keeps trying to "spare his feelings," she keeps putting herself into uncomfortable places where I don't think she really wants to be. Unless she's VERY CLEAR with him about where she stands, he'll continue to invest his time into a relationship that she may not want. How does it "spare his feelings" to allow him to think there's a future with her? Yeah, it hurts him now...but it's gonna hurt more later.

 

Does that clear up the point I was trying to make?

[Double J]

In my opinion, this guy is anxious to have a girlfriend. I know this because I went through something similar toward the end of high school. I met this girl out of nowhere, started liking her, and within 5 days we were making out and I was pressuring her to be my girlfriend. She kept saying she wasn't ready, and that she needed time (till at least after graduation). I never understood why, but all along she wanted time to GAIN feelings for me - she was attracted, but she wanted to take it slow and get to know me better.

 

I'm sure you're going through something similar. IF you're interested in him, tell him to either take it slow and that you want to get to know each other better. When I kind of "backed off" from this girl, things got better and we eventually hooked up. Good Luck

[Sn0man]

This guy sounds a bit like a nut job. Not someone you want to get attached to, because he'll be chasing you around like a lost puppy for the next 5 years if you don't end it now. Just my opinion.

[OceanEyes]

Anyone who is going to start confessing their love after only knowing you for a week must be very emotionally unbalanced. We don't live fairy tales or movie-lives, in the real world, it takes time to develop enough of an understanding about another person to actually make a commitment. Or, at least it should be that way.

 

The strangest part of all of this, is that even though you haven't reciprocated any of his feelings, he's still pushing them. Plus, you were obviously feeling very ill, and most sensible men would say, "here's some chicken soup, get your little butt in bed and I'll call you tomorrow". Not this guy, he wanted to have a 'relationship' talk?

 

This guy isn't a safe bet. Consider yourself lucky enough that you've seen his true colours early on enough to get out painlessly (hopefully).

[cleverme123]

I will tell you to use extreme caution. Only because I have been in this situation before and most certainly he is abusive. Yes all the things your seeing now are sweet and caring he has the best of intentions, but someone really rushing and pushing into marriage and what not and when you ask him to back down he is crushed....defiant issues!!!!! Use extreme caution or oyu will find yourself in a relationship full of guilt trips. Like you were sick and I did such and such for you, and now you want to leave like it was nothing.... Just an example but I am sure you get the point. You have to tell him point blank to slow down or he will lose you and watch and see what happens, I would be very very very suspiscious of him and his intentions.

[11flower]

Keep talkin' all. Very good advice. Dear one, I suggest you listen to it.

You really don't know what you're dealing with in this guy yet, it might be.

The fact you have a check should tell you a lot.

 

S2S is telling you right. This is true. Please, listen to all of the advice here.

I've met a couple cons and he could easily be one, if not imbalanced as another poster said. I'd say brutally, lose him!

 

11flower

[Spirits Away]

To put it into perspective, this is what's happening

 

1. when he falls in love, he cannot stablize his emotion

2. when he falls in love, he wants her so bad that he forgot to think about her feelings.

 

I don't see it reflecting on his personality at all.

 

He sounds to me like a normal person who is in love.

[cleverme123]

"normal people" don't fall in love after only a week.

 

He is using manipulation tactics to scare her into being in a relationship with him. I never knew love before you...Grabs her hands when she wants him to go. Draws out the good bye.

 

Using crying as a control measure to see how far he has to go before she sees he is true. When she was ready for him to leave he kept talking.

 

He was doing all this to see where he stood with her. And only left with confirmation that she would be back. It's a classic! Very difficult to understand if you have never had one of these relationships, but I am telling you bail now, because it will get worse.

[11flower]

I don't know, there are some people who do seem to fall in love, or at least intense infatuation rather immediately. But for this guy to almost beg her, telling her almost that he can't live without her, crying, etc., is way too desperate. He's dependent on her to make him happy. Why isn't this clear? If she were to stand her ground and protect her boundaries, not following and conceding to his subtle rules, and he went and hurt himself, he'd blame her, maybe. There's a reason he's so desperate.

 

He ignored her requests for him to leave when she was very sick and needed rest. What's he gonna ignore in the future? He may try to control everything.

 

I've met guys who con, who manipulate emotions and know just what to say to women to "turn them on." Then, the same end up blaming the women and taking no responsibility for their actions or themselves.

 

Sorry, the guy's a nutcase, or at least needs help, but not by this girl. Not a healthy situation for her, and could be, in fact, dangerous depending on the degree of this man's imbalance and co-dependence.

 

Eeech, the handwriting's on the wall.

 

11flower

[Celadon]

Well . . . the original poster is clearly uncomfortable with the way this guy is approaching her, so regardless of whether he's "normal" or not, I think she needs to do what she needs to do to protect herself and make her boundaries firm.

 

I knew an artist once who behaved like this. True, he may have been "wired" a little differently than other people (being all emotional and all), but he was dealing with the cards he was dealt. Unfortunately, his behavior wasn't doing himself or any woman he was interested in any good.

 

So . . . even if it's "normal" for this poster's guy to behave this way, I'd say he still has to take steps to ensure that his actions aren't hurting anyone else. In this case, they are, and he needs to realize that.

[Spirits Away]

I see that female posters are more focused on how his actions hurt her. So you girls are saying that the way that he hurt her is when he blamed all the things onto her? And now she's feeling bad about it?

 

Standing from a guy's viewpoint, it's not easy to derive how the guy's behavior is hurting the girl, just so you know. I'm assuming that he probably doesn't know the action he took is hurting her. I know it doesn't make him guiltless, but it's a thing to keep in mind.

 

But i don't know, I was just reading her post again. i think the poster just wants to slow things down. She didn't say anything about blame. Or maybe it could be her other posts.

 

About the manipulation part. The going to her house part was a little bit suspicious, but I can sort of understand how he wants to express love face to face. I mean if she's staying at home, then that's the only place to meet her.

 

Maybe she can say something like I usually want to get to know a guy for a year before deciding on things. But that makes him hang around more doesn't it

[Celadon]

That's an interesting observation, ~Spirit's Away~. I do think the women are more aware of the consequences of a guy's actions, since they are the ones feeling it.

 

In romantic sweetheart's situation, her suitor's actions are causing her to feel pressure. It's not just that she wants to take things slowly. It's that he's not respecting what she's telling him.

 

She was ill and needed to rest and TOLD him so. But he prevented her from going to bed by holding her hand and continuing to talk. That is disrespect, both for her expressly stated wishes and her health.

 

He also asked her to make a life-changing decision for him. That is an inappropriate request that made her feel pressured. Putting pressure on someone to do something they don't want to is not love; it's selfishness.

 

Likewise, saying that he would wait for her "Forever" is to put his happiness in life completely on her shoulders. Intentionally or not, he was manipulating her feelings into a lose-lose situation: if she rejects him, she's responsible for his depression; if she accepts him against her will, she is betraying herself. Again, this does not sound like love to me.

 

True, she could tell him she wants to slow down -- but she already has. She said "he looks absolutely crushed" when she brings that up. She is stating her desires - and it seems questionable that he is respecting her wishes.

 

Although innocence and overwhelming emotions can be a reason for a person's behavior, a sign of maturity is recognizing what effect your behavior is having on another person and then adjusting accordingly. Love is so much more than a "feeling."