What are the signs

[Wiseman2]

Who lives in the household now? Is there friction between you and his son? Is that why he is second-guessing any commitment? Why do your or his grown kids have to live with you?

It was calmer last summer when hardly anyone was around.his son moved in. And that is when all the problems started.

[Lester]

"he cheated on me..."

- The only sign you ever need.

[bluebell05]

He lied about cheating he said that was only to get me to hate him cause he wanted his ex back. And the people who live here are, his 17 year old son, 21 year old daughter with her 3 year old daughter. My daughter lives with her dad for time being. And everyone has friction with his son. His son acts as though this is his house and he can do what he wants when he wants. Same with his daughter. She brings over all kinds of people and my boyfriend tells her not to have anyone over and she goes over his head and does it anyway. His son borrows money from him and doesn't pay it back and is putting a financial stress on the household. My boyfriend works alot and upholds the house for the most part and the one around us are letting things fall apart.

[bluebell05]

According to him he isn't second guessing our committment.

[Lester]

"He lied about cheating he said that was only to get me to hate him cause he wanted his ex back."

- Do you listen to yourself?

 

The first time you're together, (sex, I guess??), he starts telling lies about how is having sex with another person?

And he's doing it so you'll hate him and leave?

 

This coupled with your, mostly defensive retorts, has me scratching my head.

[bluebell05]

Well at that point I did leave and then a month and a half later he told me I was right about everything and now we are back together. I was told by many that it was dumb on my part to go back to him. I am still being told by my family they think he will do whatever he did before. He claims he will never do that again and he said he had good reasoning for doing what he did and he got what he was looking for when he did that.

[IAmFCA]

Well at that point I did leave and then a month and a half later he told me I was right about everything and now we are back together. I was told by many that it was dumb on my part to go back to him. I am still being told by my family they think he will do whatever he did before. He claims he will never do that again and he said he had good reasoning for doing what he did and he got what he was looking for when he did that.

 

So, not sorry. Would do it again.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I am going to work through the paragraph below with some comments. As a preamble, I will agree that I don't know him; I am not qualified to draw conclusions. These are red flags. My red flags are usually on point. Your question was, what are the signs? When looking for "cheating" the key is to look for the capacity to cheat. A good cheater can hide many of the more practical signs until much too late. In other words, you are looking for character. As forgiving as we want to be of others, it turns out that character counts. In a big, big way. Being forgiving and understanding of others' difficulties DOES NOT MEAN we have to let that person into our lives.

 

He lied

 

For starters: He has the capacity to lie. He has the capacity to explain a lie with a reason, as if it were justified. Here is why he lied, why any of us lie: to avoid the hassle of telling the truth. In this case, he was trying to get you to leave him, so he could avoid the responsibility of ending the relationship himself. This is both avoidance and manipulation. And entirely selfish at your expense.

 

about cheating he said that was only to get me to hate him cause he wanted his ex back.

 

He was with you while wanting someone else, and said so. And behaved with you - before it all went down - as if you were his only. Again, selfish and manipulative, intended to keep you around on a pretense, while trying to figure out if he could leap to his ex. OK, past is past. But his character is the same now as it was then.

 

And the people who live here are, his 17 year old son, 21 year old daughter with her 3 year old daughter. My daughter lives with her dad for time being. And everyone has friction with his son. His son acts as though this is his house and he can do what he wants when he wants. Same with his daughter. She brings over all kinds of people and my boyfriend tells her not to have anyone over and she goes over his head and does it anyway. His son borrows money from him and doesn't pay it back and is putting a financial stress on the household.

 

These are his kids? Huh, I wonder where they got their character from. Sounds like they learned well - they know how to get what they want. They have learned to be selfish just like dad and to disrespect his rules because 1) the rules are set by someone who puts his own interests first and so his kids don't trust him, and 2) acting in one's own interest at the expense of others is a family value. These kids did not get to be this way all by themselves.

 

My boyfriend works alot [sic] and upholds the house for the most part and the one around us are letting things fall apart.

 

He works a lot - that is perfect for someone who chooses to avoid any real intimate relationships. If you value him for his paycheck, and that is of such a value that the rest of his character is less important, than your values and his values align. Instead, what you are struggling with is the result of someone who says, "I work to keep this roof over our heads. I am entitled to behave the way I want." Well, no, no he isn't. Honesty, integrity, putting his loved ones' emotional, spiritual health on the same priority level as his own - those behaviors also are required of anyone who wants to attract and retain good people around him who will behave in an orderly way and contribute to a mutually supportive life.

 

It is hard to create a mutually supportive life when he is saying "I work hard, therefore everyone else has to support me by tolerating my selfish interpersonal behavior." That is not fair. That is holding other people responsible for his choice to work. Being responsible for a job is, ultimately, his choice, and his choice alone. He is still responsible for how he treats others, how he invests in and uses his relationships, how he is supportive or destructive of others' success. I would expect his kids resent him, and understandably so.

 

------

 

When we let people of poor character into our lives, that is our choice. When their chaos impacts us, that is because we chose to be available to them. You are choosing to let this man's chaos into your life. This is your choice. Why why why would you do that?

[bluebell05]

You have a lot of good points in your response. Here's how it all went down the first time. Our relationship was perfect from may 2nd til father's day when ex1 contacted him and praised being a wonderful father to his kids and the way he treared her kids. But before this happened, a few days before ex 2 sent him a text saying something about a 3some. I questioned him about it and her about it. Well that caused a bunch of stuff I wish I never did. But when the message showed up on his phone it was only my instinct to see what the whole convo was all about. And here they were planning on having a 3some with someone else. But his excuse was that she always talks trash talk when she is drunk. And that it was a trust test for me to see if I snoop in his phone. Well I didn't have to snoop at first until the message came on his home page. Well the beginning of what she said and I saw her asking about a 3some that caught my attention. There on it was fighting and then it escalated to him wanting his ex 1 back. And with him saying he has been trying to get me to voluntairly move out instead of just telling me that he wanted to either see if there was still something there with ex1 or if he would bring her back for closure. So he did anything he could think of to tell me he wanted her back without coming out and saying it. Until towards the end he ended up explaining to me why he wanted to. This woman punched the living day lights out of him over a fight they had. He called the cops on her and had her arrested he also put a pfa on her. So when he wanted her back he also dropped the pfa. So I had no other choice but to honor his wishes and left him do what he needed to do. Then later on he contacted me and said I was right about everything. So we started talking again and saw each other a few times and we were going to take things slow but then my mom said if I was to leave the one night not to come back. I had already made arrangements for his daughter to pick me up and couldn't bother her at work so instead of my mom not being understanding she showed she was selfish to say what she did

[IAmFCA]

OK, going to try to parse this paragraph as the other.

 

You have a lot of good points in your response. Here's how it all went down the first time. Our relationship was perfect from may 2nd til father's day when ex1 contacted him and praised being a wonderful father to his kids and the way he treared her kids. But before this happened, a few days before ex 2 sent him a text saying something about a 3some. I questioned him about it and her about it. Well that caused a bunch of stuff I wish I never did. But when the message showed up on his phone it was only my instinct to see what the whole convo was all about.

 

The bolded phrase - no, you did not have to look. You are not an animal driven by some primal instinct. Every action you make is a choice, and you had other choices available to you. Start with yourself, same as you want from your bf. Own your choices, such as this one. "I chose to look at his phone."

 

 

And here they were planning on having a 3some with someone else. But his excuse was that she always talks trash talk when she is drunk.

 

And she is in the habit of texting with this sort of come on when she is drunk because he replies. She gets the reaction she is looking for. When we drunk text people, aren't we looking for attention? For some kind of response? Otherwise, we would just drunk text a stranger.

 

And that it was trust test for me to see if I snoop in his phone. Well I didn't have to snoop at first until the message came on his home page. Well the beginning of what she said and I saw her asking about a 3some that caught my attention.

 

Regardless of what you saw on his phone, his argument was ludicrous. "it was a trust test". What? No relationship will survive if subjected to intentional trust tests, even if this were one. If he were telling the truth, it would have been appropriate to say that it was destructive for him to subject you to a test. The fact is, it was a lie, and he lied to try to manipulate you. Rather than defending yourself, why even engage. You are defending yourself to someone who is lying to manipulate you.

 

There on it was fighting and then it escalated to him wanting his ex 1 back. And with him saying he has been trying to get me to voluntairly move out instead of just telling me that he wanted to either see if there was still something there with ex1 or if he would bring her back for closure. So he did anything he could think of to tell me he wanted her back without coming out and saying it. Until towards the end he ended up explaining to me why he wanted to.

 

Who knows what he meant at this point, but the fact that he went to wanting the ex back, whether out of spite or a sudden fit of honesty, is enough for you to say BYE.

 

This woman punched the living day lights out of him over a fight they had. He called the cops on her and had her arrested he also put a pfa on her. So when he wanted her back he also dropped the pfa. So I had no other choice but to honor his wishes and left him do what he needed to do.

 

(1) What does this say about your bf, that he wanted his ex back after all of that physical violence, cops, drama?

(2) You had no other choice? You had plenty of choices, and you made the right one by leaving him. Why did you leave him? TO HONOR YOURSELF! To heck with his dang choices. You do not need to be around this mess.

 

Then later on he contacted me and said I was right about everything. So we started talking again and saw each other a few times and we were going to take things slow but then my mom said if I was to leave the one night not to come back. I had already made arrangements for his daughter to pick me up and couldn't bother her at work so instead of my mom not being understanding she showed she was selfish to say what she did

 

Again, you had a choice. You went over to his house because you wanted to. His daughter could have come to your house and found you gone, with a note for her saying, I am sorry, I changed my mind. Please do not contact me further. You CHOSE to go to his house. Your mom was trying to save you from returning to this destructive situation. Regrettably, she did not have the capacity to find any better arguments other than by removing herself as a source of support. At some level, your mom is also trying to protect herself from your chaos, as is her right to do in an act of self preservation.

 

Similarly, you would do well to protect yourself from your boyfriend's chaos. It is your responsibility to yourself.

 

Find a public health resource if you can, and join a group discussion group to talk about relationship dynamics. I think the discussion would help you a great deal.

[bluebell05]

I may have a choice I couldnt help it since I did love him... he says he loves me and he wants to get married some day. We have been talking about it lately. But he confuses me with some of the actions he is showing me. He changed with a few things from the time we got back toget her til now. I just dont understand him

[boltnrun]

All I keep reading is how nothing is your fault, you couldn't help it, it's all because of other people, etc.

 

Do you just sit and let things happen to you? It just doesn't make sense to me that you truly believe all of this is being done TO you and that you are totally helpless.

 

BUT, if you act helpless then I can see why he treats you the way he does. It's difficult to respect someone who acts like they are helpless and have no control over their own life.

[lostandhurt]

I read your first post from Sunday asking basically the same thing but it has more details.

 

The household is a mess physically, order wise and emotionally.

 

Exactly how may people live in this house and what are their ages? How many animals are there too?

 

It sounds like a crazy place to live in the best circumstances.

 

I don't think he is cheating on you but if he is it is probably to escape the madness he has allowed to fester in his home.

 

Why don't you work? What income do you have if you do not work?

 

Lost

[Lester]

And maybe even becoming a little trollish.

[IAmFCA]

I may have a choice I couldnt help it since I did love him... he says he loves me and he wants to get married some day. We have been talking about it lately. But he confuses me with some of the actions he is showing me. He changed with a few things from the time we got back toget her til now. I just dont understand him

 

Ha, love is not some outside force that makes you do things.

 

I have loved people whom I would not marry. Marriage, living together, being in a relationship, being friends - all are examples of ways we can love someone. Your choice. Period.