I'm trying to win him back...need advice......

[codaaurora]

I am hoping that someone out there can help me on this path I have chosen. I guess you will need some background first though. My ex-Fiance and I were together for almost 9 years, we never cheated on one another, even though sometimes the sex life wasn't the best, we started off wonderfully, got engaged, move out to Ca. to help his family after he got out of the Navy and then slowly our relationship started loosing it's strength. I know and recognize the problems, internally and externally. Finally, after waiting so long, I wanted to get married and start a family, he said we could start a family w/o getting married, I said he could but I couldn't, that's just not how I'm made. We have broken up several times over the course of our relationship and he always came back and things were always better, but still that distance remained. So now a little bit about him. I was his first real/true serious relationship. He had been engaged before but it ended after a year. He had dated very little before me and his social skills are not the greatest. He is shy and introverted but proud and stubborn. His feelings get hurt but he takes on a "F*&$ em" attitude if people don't like him, even though he would question me endlessly about why they didn't. He always had a new project to work on, something new to improve in his life. But always self improvement through books or videos', I would ask him if living life wouldn't teach him these things as well and he would always say that he was preparing himself first, getting his act together. Essentially, an extremely intelligent, gifted, motivated individual, scared half to death of socializing and commitment. We lived together for 7 of our 8 years together so you can imagine the pain I'm going through right now. My world is upside down.

 

Well, here is the story. We had a very large fight. He had a girl from our office, that we are both friends with, over to the house without my knowledge, though when I called, he told me that she was there, they were working on our project for the office and to hurry home so that we could all get started. Being that he has no social skills at all, I knew he didn't understand why I would have a problem with a younger, more attractive, single girl in our house without me there (she had been over alot before) and not even tell me. Especially since he had never had anyone over before. So I yelled. Which he hates. He apologized, but I was so angry and hurt still, and to keep from yelling, I stayed away for a few days until I could calm down, coming home everynight, but late. Finally, on a Friday I went home early to talk to him and he had moved out, went to stay w/friends. We got back together after a lot of talking that weekend, but only on the understanding that we were just friends and wouldn't talk about the relationship for 6 weeks. I waited 8 and then asked him where we were, he changed the subject, I waited a few days and asked again, and again he changed the subject. So I finally told him that I was taking the ring off as it was a lie and I wasn't going to live a lie, that I would go out if asked but that I wanted to be with him more than anything else. Two days later I went out. He exploded, we fought, he cried (???!! He never does that!!) and said he knew how he had taken me for granted and was more attracted to me then ever because I was so confident in myself. We got back together for a few days and then WHAM, he said maybe we should see other people. Off again. All while living together.

 

Fine, I went back to dating and he started learning all about Internet Dating and making snide, nasty comments about the guy I went out with. I pointed out that this was his decision, that I wanted to be with him. He began trying to win me back, working out, changing his hair, wearing cologne all the time, buying new clothes, it worked, we started going out again. But then he got too jealous over the other guy (who was really just a kissing buddy that I was already not wanting to see anymore) and I kept explaining to him that I would rather go out with him but he didn't want to talk about a future or a relationship. Then he started getting dates and the table switched, now I was the one getting mad and hurt. (We were still living together by the way). All the while he would tell me that he loved me more than anyone he had ever loved. That I had nothing to worry about. That he thought we would be together again, stronger and married. That he just needed to do this as he had never dated before me and he thought that was what was keeping him from commiting. And then, after Christmas and him spending time with a part of his family that are very manipulative, he started saying that he didn't know what the future held, even though he was getting stood up left and right. So I know it wasn't a girl changing his mind.

 

Then, one day, he said that he loved me but wasn't IN love with me. That he didn't think we would ever be back together again and he began naming off things like my end of the chores and my not keeping the house and gaining weight as the problems. I was stupid and begged and cried and promised to change. We finally, in the beginning of Feb moved to our own separate places. He helped me move, he bought me things for the apartment. But he wouldn't take any of our photos, (except one of me that I found hidden in his stuff during the move), none of our pictures of his beloved pets which I got, and some of the more sentimental gifts that I had given him. He wouldn't even take some of his Navy or Collectible things, so I took them and told him when he wanted them, he could have them. (He lost all of his childhood things, baby pics, everything in a fire and has always regretted it). So here I am, he is dating some one 14 years younger than himself, told me he was getting serious with her after 3 days of KNOWING her and I still want him back. I have been trying a book I bought about loving your lover back to you. I have done my best for the NC but we still have a lot of things that are common (bills and such) that we have to continue talking for right now. But I have done my best not to call him first. I return his calls, and sometimes I wait a day to do it, but mostly it's him that calls. I'm really the only person that he can be his true crazy weird insane bull headed self around (even his mother agrees to this, she said most of the girls he dated before me couldn't stand it), so he calls and we joke and laugh and reminisce.

 

Today he called and asked me to call him at 9 to make sure that he is awake for work. At first I asked him very sweetly why he didn't have his gf do this for him? And he said (after much mummbling) that she was not his gf and that he was not calling her so much as a ploy. I said, to get her more interested in you? He said yes. I then told him that he chose this life, that he can't always depend on me to do this for him, that I didn't want to be a part of his "ploy" with the gf. He got angry then and said fine that he wouldn't call me anymore or ask me to do these things for him anymore. Now I know that this is his way of keeping me available to him because he knows that I know how bullheaded he is and if he says something he MEANS it and that I don't want to loose contact with him for anything. I know I should have said no (I said that I would do it for him this time, was nice about it but firm) but I also know him. If he decides to not talk to me, he WON'T! I want to win him back. I think I have a chance to. I just need some support and help. Any guideance would be wonderful. Any advice. I love him so very much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his crazy antics, his eyes, the way he slept. Everything about him I love and miss. I don't honstly believe that he could tell me he loves me more than anything/one, cry for me to come back (Him??!! CRY??!!) and then less than a month later change his tune totally. Please help! How should I respond to him tonight? Tomorrow is his 35 birthday and I wrote him a story (I used to do this for him a long time ago) and offered to take him to dinner, we still have to do that but not sure when. I told him that I knew he probably had plans for his birthday and told him to let me know when was good for him and I would try to work something out. He knows that I am going out and doesn't seem to like it very much. I'm so confused!!! HELP!

[chai714]

First off, you're going to need to take a deep, deep breath. This will not be easy, nor will it be healthy if you guys get back together today or tomorrow. Why? Because the problems remain . . . .I always think that the most time you learn about your relationship is the time when you are apart and are able to truly analyze the relationship and specifically, YOUR behavior.

 

It seems as if you two got into a pattern of off/on, which creates damage each time it's done. The thing I don't like in your situation, is that you jumped into dating right after you were with him, which only showed your insecurity of being by yourself. Looks like he did the same thing, and even tried to play it off as it were serious (a 3 day serious relationship, c'mon!). Regardless, these actions also caused more damage to you two.

 

Getting the one you want back also depends on the quality of your relationship. The higher quality it was (i.e. trust, good communication, compromise), the more likely or higher chances of reuniting. There are so many other variables involved, but I think that the quality of your relationship plays a major factor (which you now have no control over). So, what can you control? Your behavior. I would immediately stop being at his beckon call. I would stop dating anyone if you are now, and I would also quit being needy.

 

I've read plenty of books . .I mean plenty. Most are full of you know what. There is no single book that (in my opinion), lays it all out. When it comes to getting an ex back, realize that there's no specific "how to." No single book will significantly help, but there are some that give good insight when it comes to using psychological tactics.

 

My advice to you for now is to surround yourself with family and friends, because you're going to need them. You can later develop a specific strategy or set of psychological tactics if you still want to win him back.

[DN]

Not only are you off-on - you are off-on at different times. Every time one of you was on the other was off. You need to stop all the game playing, accusations, seeing other people as ways of getting back at each other, and all that silliness. Stop acting like overgrown children and start treating each other as mature adults.

 

Decide for sure that you want him and to marry him. If not then part and find someone else. But if you do want him, tell him you want to talk to him. Ask him if he loves you and wants to be with you. Now. Not a month from now, or a year from now, but now. If he does then tell him you want to get married. and make it soon, with no fuss or bother - you have had enough of that.

 

You are not kids anymore. Stop the drama and get on with the rest of your life - with him or without him.

[Mun]

Is he ready to offer what you are looking for? Is he offering that right now? Looks like for now the answer is no...so even if you managed to get him back who's to say he would come with ring in hand? This is something that has to come from him...but with all this arguing and stuff getting a ring ( and committment) at this point would be crazy.

 

This is one of those times where I think No Contact is the way to go. Why? You seem to get at each other every time you talk.. you can't get past the hurt ... and your relationship is deteriorating more and more.

 

Try not talking for awhile and spend this time analyzing what you want --and where he fits in your life.Use the time apart to get a hold of your emotions and calm down. Let the relationship cool down a bit and hopefully return to better times. What I mean is that if he cares he won't let you walk away, but you need to reign in all the drama.

 

Get yourself together and remember what it is YOU want. If he does not want the same thing, you can't force it out of him.

[codaaurora]

Wow, these are some great pieces of advice and I thank you all for it. I suppose though that I should say that we haven't fought at all in the past month. Every time we talk, it's a good talk, fun, light. Like we used to talk a long time ago, just not with the "I love you's". I didn't really bounce right into dating when all this happened. I went out with a friend from work who had recently had a bad break up. We went out maybe 4 or 5 times and once or twice he kissed me, but we both knew and understood that I wanted my Fiance and that he just wanted a friend. I was always upfront and honest about my feelings with my ex and still tell him that I love him and want to be with him. I guess, what I'm asking is, is there a hope for anything in the future? I've never been with someone that I wanted to go back to, so this is new to me. I felt I had finally found my other half, the ONE. I still believe that. But he can be so bullheaded, that when he decides something, he sticks to it, even if he changes his mind later and thinks better of it. Are there any men out there like this? What do you think? Is love different for you? Do you back down off of this stance and say hey, I love her, I don't care that I said that we would probably never get back together, I'm backing down off of that. That's a question I would like answered, is this possible?

[codaaurora]

I just spoke with a mutual friend of my ex's and she said my ex told her husband that he was in love with this 21 year old that he has known for 3 weeks. She said they told him he was a stupid horses butt. I just had to get out here and say how badly that hurt. I know it's not real love, I know he is caught up in the excitement and lust (she's his first since me). BUT omg how it does hurt. I want to scream at him for being so stupid, but I won't. I want to yell at him for thinking he could love something so shallow, but I won't. I'm staying nice. Today is his birthday, so I called to say Happy Birthday and we have plans for sunday but I think after Sunday, I'm going to go with the NC. The only problem is that we have pets together, that are like our children and I can't deny him from seeing them. So what should I do there? Should I play it coy too? Not call him at all and then when he does call (and he will) not call him back for a few days? HELP!

[Mun]

You're going to have to remember your dignity here and step back.

 

He is so interested in this other girl that he is even talking to his friends about her....I'm so sorry. I know how much that hurts believe me, but it looks like his mind is somewhere else.

 

Try to remember that you deserve more ( a man's complete attention) not left-overs. If you already have plans then keep them and look your best, be that girl he fell in love with . Then go on with your life.

I know that's not what you want to hear...but you can't force him to feel something he doesn't feel right now. You can only control yourself and how you present yourself to him.

 

We could tell you strategies to get him back, but if he doesn't want to come back they won't work. If he keeps calling and wants to see you...then you have something there....

 

He might come back once he realizes he really does love you, but if he doesn't you need to be ready for that too.

 

I hope you get what you want though.

[codaaurora]

He has been the one who had kept contact, up until he met that girl, he was calling me atleast two times a day, then after maybe once a week or twice in the past two weeks. He was very receptive to getting together Sunday and actually sounded excited about finding out what I got him.

 

He kinda challenged me too, he wanted to make plans for friday, but I said I was busy, he said Saturday and I said that I wouldn't be available until that night, but was open Sunday. He wanted to do Sunday morning and I said ok, but he then said "Yeah, I know you, you'll sleep in and call me around noon", so I laughed and said that I would talk to him that morning and he said "Whatever, we'll see".

 

I know that things are not going good in his new 3week relationship, as he is already feeling like he needs to play hard to get with her to get her more interested.

 

I'm going out with friends and doing things for myself (writing, reading, working on my picture taking) and I'm not waiting for him or putting my life on hold. But I want him back. I need help with trying to make that happen. I need advice, so anything you can tell me I would appreciate. I honestly believe that there is still a chance of that. I just need a game plan.

[codaaurora]

Well, I had the Birthday get together with him yesterday (Sunday) morning. Most of you were right, I a)Did put on a stellar performance and b) wasn't ready. LOL

 

He immediately asked who had bought me a movie he saw that was new, I said that it was a gift and then asked if he was ready to go (trying to change an up-coming subject that I knew would be a battle) but he deflayed easily and started right in. "Oh, from Braaaad (he calls my friend Jason this because he's a dead ringer for Brad Pitt - we're just friends, he's too gorgeous for me, but still...)? When did he give it to you? What else did he give you? Have you been talking to him about me? I'll kick his *beep*." Sigh I didn't get mad though, I didn't blow up (like I normally would have), I just said, repeatedly, "Yes, your right, are we ready to go now?" just as southern girl sweet as I could.

 

We wound up having breakfast and lunch, we watched a movie in between at my house (the resturant he wanted to eat at didn't open until 11pm and he had come over by 8:00am). Aside from his "I have a joking tone but am not joking" badgering over my friend Jason, we had a great, no fabulous time. We laughed and joked and...well...just had fun. I found out that he does have puppy love feelings for this girl and is defensive over her age, but aparently she is slowly dumping him.

 

Afterwards, he walked me out to my car, thanked me for lunch and gave me a hard hug, we parted and I smiled and quickly turned away while he was trying to pat me on the head (old joke between us), I dodged it and started to walk away saying "BUH BYE NOW" and he laughed and followed me trying to pat my head, so I swerved, turned and tickled him. We stopped and I told him that I had a lot of fun, I was glad to have spent the time with him and we'll have to do it again in the future. He said definitely. However, I'm not going to be calling him. At all.

I'm tired now, it was a hard day. I just wanted so badly to hold him or kiss him or something. But instead I kept smiling and laughing and when he asked if I was moving on, I was able to say, with confidence, yes. I spent all the rest of the day Sunday being sad and missing him, I woke up like that this morning. I know this will pass, I know I will get stronger, that I will heal, these things I know, I just wish someone would tell it to my heart.

So now I begin NC. Let's see how long it is before he calls me. Wish me luck all.

[Mun]

Oh girl,

I think you handled yourself very well and I'm proud of you ! Stay strong and just look ahead.

 

If this guy is right for you he will be back. In the meantime take care of yourself.. and stay busy. Get a manicure, pedicure...do nice things for YOU . This is very important.

 

You deserve happiness.

[codaaurora]

Muneca,

 

I was supposed to go out Friday night, but didn't because of other issues (not related to him), Saturday I got up early, went to the beauty parlor and got waxed, went home and colored my hair, and ate a piece of chocolate!!

 

I also finished my apartment. I moved in at the beginning of Feb, but had not decorated or finished arranging things. I think a piece of me held on to the fact that this would make our split (final), if I had the place looking like a home then it meant it was really over. Well, Saturday I finished it. I hung up pictures and paintings, put out my knick knacks, and cleaned it up. It looks like a real home now. It made me happy.

 

When he came over on Sunday morning (he was surprised that I was up and calling him so early), he kept looking around at things, he commented on how clean it was and said how great it looked. It always made me feel proud when he said those things. Getting a compliment from him really means something as he doesn't give them to just be nice. He gives them when he means them.

 

So even though I felt down and depressed Sunday after it was over, I felt down and depressed in a HOME instead of a place to sleep in.

 

The hardest part right now is that I keep checking my phone to see if he's called. I turn it off at work. I won't call him back if he does but I'm sitting here wondering. Is he not calling becuase his "not my girlfriend" girl came back from Vegas and decided to see him or is he not calling because she came back from Vegas and decided NOT to see him or is he not calling because he felt some attraction yesterday and doesn't want it to go any further? Killing myself with these questions and I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it, but it's human nature and this board helps.

 

I can't tell you all how GLAD I am that I found this place. How wonderful this place is. How wonderful you all are. Thank you....

[shockeddismayed]

Coda!

 

There you go!

 

I heard most of that in my PM, but the fact that you've ALREADY made a new "home" for yourself is a huge step. You are WAY ahead of where I was this quickly post-breakup. It took me 5 weeks even to unpack my stereo!... and I'd only owned it for a few weeks, so it was my *new* toy.

 

As for the "why isn't he calling". Yeah... I know you know this... but you can quickly drive yourself insane with this part. And remember YOUR needs.... as you've noted, you felt like crap after seeing him.. and you don't want to put yourself through that until you are ready to see him *without* feeling like crap. So....

 

Try this mind gymnastics on yourself... the sooner he calls, the more likely it is that you won't be ready in that positive state of mind. So every moment between now and then needs to be spared for something *useful*, something that will get you to that state of mind *in-time*. Imagine how terrible it would be if he calls and wants to start working things out before you are ready.... you'll lack the patience, healed heart and confidence to ride through the roller-coaster reconciliation process safely.

 

Your best chance is if you have healed enough that you have sufficient energy to invest in the reconciliation *without* getting wrapped up and losing yourSELF to it. Besides, the later the process starts (in the experiences I've collected on this board), the faster the process goes (because the distance has healed both sides).

 

So... quit focussing on a quick fix... and quit on HIS job (which is to miss you and realize he wants you back) and start focussing on YOUR job (which is to get healed...and fast!)

 

In this regard, dumpees have it easy... we get to force ourselves through personal growth and recovery immediately... and with the right type of sutained effort, oftentimes end up healthier both in the short term and the long term.

 

On the contrary, there are many, many stories of dumpers (where long relationships are concerned) who jump into rebounds (partly to bury their loneliness and guilt), fail, then realize they want the EX back, but it's too late. Often the pain and guilt of the original breakup is so buried that they end up in therapy trying to figure out what's "not quite right".

 

[Note: I have some friends who are counsellors... not saying this is a hard and fast rule, but it happens frequently]

[codaaurora]

shocked&dismayed

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. You know, I'm finding this board to be cathartic. I find myself drifting here instead of to my phone. Purging my thoughts and feelings here, where others can read and respond is in some ways better than the journal that I keep (although I keep that up too).

 

I'm sure that it also helps to know that I am not alone. There is no worse feeling in the world than the feeling that what you are experiencing is yours alone, no one will / would understand. I tried another board and all I kept getting was move on, move on, move on. There was no empathy or encouragement. Here, I have all of that in spades and thank God now for the Internet (I was cursing it for a while there as we met online back a LONG time ago!).

 

Today is a little better than yesterday. I went home yesterday and didn't do anything that I should have done. I just wound up watching the CSI marathon on TV and smoking way too much. I purposely left my phone off and on the kitchen table, but everytime I walked by, I would catch myself checking it and not even realize I was doing it until I felt that drop in the pit of my stomach to find that he hadn't called.

 

I have found that my creativity is coming back. I'm inspired to write more, have been faithfull to my journal, am working harder on my book and am enjoying my reading more and more.....but.....always, right there on the edge of my mind is him. I woke up in the middle of the night smelling his cologne. For a moment I thought we were back home and he was coming in to say goodnight before leaving for work. I cried for a half an hour, my poor Guinea Pigs thought I was dying! LOL

 

I also read a book on the loss of love (through death or divorce or seperation) and even though it was written back in the 70's when I was just a kid, it still rings true. It's filled with these poems that just speak to me. It talks about how the road to healing is not a straight line, but one with mountainous ranges, you're up, you're down. I haven't been able to get to the photos and letters and cards from our time together, that's just too painful. I also haven't gone through my jewelry, I'm too afraid to touch it, my engagement ring is in there, it's like a Viper in my mind.

 

Either way, I am working on myself, working on seeing my downfalls, my insecurities, my issues. I'm healing as fast as I can I guess you could say. I just hope that it happens in enough time that he can see it, before making one of his famous "rash decisions of the heart".

[shockeddismayed]

Codaaurora,

 

Well I'd say you are doing as well or better than anyone can expect.

 

There will be nights like last night.... but remind yourself that it was YOUR time... and occasionally we all need a crash... veg out in front of the TV... have a good cry and wake up a little better the next day.

 

Another day you will work on self improvement and find solace in that... but that can be tomorrow if YOU want.

 

Everything at your own pace. Ask yourself what you'd like to do... set a goal(s) and stick to it as much as possible... even if you stray from time to time... it's natural.

 

Hope you are having a mountain and not a valley today.

[codaaurora]

Okay, so after my Sunday morning get together with the ex, I went home and proceeded to start watching me phone.

 

I know, I know...so unhealthy, but you know, what can you do? By Monday night when I still hadn't gotten a call, I stopped looking at the phone and prepared for another day.

 

Then last night, out of the blue, a sametime from him and after saying just a few things to him (so not like me), I logged off without saying goodbye/goodnight (also very not like me). Then, half an hour later, he calls and leaves me a silly message on my phone. I didn't call him back. Then this morning, another silly message on my phone. I haven't called him back. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, however I realized something today.

 

Before he met his 21 year "not gf", he was calling me every day, sometimes more than once, then he met her and for 3 1/2 weeks barely anything. Now I know for a fact that the "not gf" has stopped seeing him as of last week (probably around thursday or friday). So I'm feeling like I'm his comfort backup. But I don't want to be that, I want to be the one that he wants.

 

So, anyone out there have any suggestions or comments? I don't want to completely ignore him, it wouldn't work on him, it would have the reverse affect. His messages to me were very sweet and funny if that helps at all, kind of like the joking around we did when we were together.

[Mun]

Believe me I know how you feel...you don't want to be the consolation prize. You shouldn't be.

 

Oh yes-- I do have advice for you. Don't ignore him, but don't make him your "everything" either. Call him back, joke with him, play with him.. and flirt with him...but don't give anymore of yourself until you are getting what YOU want. What do you want? A relationship with him most likely, and more attention right? Nothing says you can't be sweet and "fetching" what you shouldn't be is a doormat.

 

You really have no control over him and his feelings for you, but what you can do is give yourself the best possible chance. It's a 50/50 shot.

 

So that girl you were when you had his complete interest... get her back! I bet she was fun, sweet and sexy and she didn't have to worry about losing him. 8)

[codaaurora]

Muneca,

 

Thank you so much for the reply! I think you're right! Sunday I was bubbly and animated and laughing and having fun. Playing with him, joking with him, bringing back memories and looking at him like I know I used to.

 

So now I need to continue it, but on my own terms yes? Instead of calling him back, I just sent him a text with a little silly message (the one I used to always reply with) and a smiley face. No I love you's or anything sappy though.

 

Sound good? Now, do not call him right? I've responded....Let him call me? I HATE this, so much easier with someone new because at this age you can just BE yourself and not worry about. But in this situation, you are almost restricted, treading carefully. Love is stupid sometimes! LOL

[Mun]

You can be yourself. What you shouldn't do is get ahead of yourself. Why would there be "i love you's" if you're not bf/gf? That's what you need to keep in perspective. Stay in the here and now.. and here and now you are just friendly..nothing more and nothing less... later.. who knows?

 

With someone new you start all over without expectations... that's exactly what you need to have now. No expectations.. just enjoy it when it's good, but if he starts to mistreat you for any reason don't hang around. Just like you would do with a new guy right?

[shockeddismayed]

With someone new you start all over without expectations... that's exactly what you need to have now. No expectations.. just enjoy it when it's good, but if he starts to mistreat you for any reason don't hang around. Just like you would do with a new guy right?

 

Yeeaaahh.... (strained yeah)... but it's only been a few days since this girl stopped seeing him.... I think he is just a little panicked, and is seeing if you are still around for him.

 

Certainly Muneca's advice can help you "re-seduce" him... but I see big risks at the moment.

 

If he'd waited a couple weeks, being single.... then called you, then I might believe he realized he wanted to be back with you. I don't think he's done that... he's just found time on his hands all of a sudden... hasn't figured out how to be alone... and is lonely for attention... any attention.

 

Ok, so you gave him some. I'd totally do HCNC (hard core NC) for a week after his next response, NO MATTER WHAT his next response is. Then you call him up, apologize for not getting back to him, make up a story about how busy you are living life (not using those words of course) and then ask him what was up... pick up where his message left off.

 

Ask yourself this: "So he breaks it off, talks to me everyday, gets a girlfriend, gets dumped, then trys to talk to me everyday again???? Who does this guy think he is?!?!?"

 

He's not the King Poop anymore. Make sure he knows it and then earns it!

[codaaurora]

You know, the more the day wore on, the more I started thinking just that to myself S&D. Just who DOES he think he his? He's not my fiance anymore, I am not required to call him back. There's no law saying that I have to.

 

And for that matter, where WAS he for three weeks?? With that other girl and now that she is gone, he's alone again and he hates being alone. I believe that he is terrified of it and not able to face it. So him calling me is just that, "he has time on his hands" and doesn't like to be alone with it.

 

I don't want that. I love him and want him back, but I also want to be with someone who's calling me to talk to me FOR me, not because I'm a warm voice that can help him relive the happy days of the past and make him laugh until the next hot young chick comes along.

 

I'm beginging to realize that I've been giving myself the short end of the stick. I'm not gorgeous but I'm pretty and I have a great personality/ intelligence and I deserve to have someone want to be with me because of these things.

 

So I sent him a text. I'm not even going to worry about whether or not he received it. I'm going to institute HCNC. I think your right S&D and I think I knew it all along.

 

I used to be this strong willed girl, who would jump on a horse, no briddle, no saddle and just ride the wind with him, chasing shadows and the horizon. Where the heck did that girl go??? Sitting around wondering when/if "HE" is going to call? What am I doing??? I love him and want to be with him, but not so much that I am willing to give up who I am and that's just what I did.

 

Thank you both.

[shockeddismayed]

I guess the way I see it, think about dating.....

 

The first thing that happens (after initial flirting) is that you escalate the *type and quality* of your interactions, not necessarily the *frequency*. (ie coffee date, fun/sporty date, dinner/date, make-out date (tee hee) and so on. This usually is spread out over a number of weeks.

 

You don't jump to increasing the *frequency* by calling every day or texting all the time (do you?).

 

Ok... maybe sometimes you do, but in most cases you wouldn't until the *quality* and depth is also increasing (otherwise one person may bolt). In this case, this is especially true, because you already know you can chat with each other... what you want to see is that he wants to spend time (friendly and romanticly) with you.

 

That being the case, you want to shape his behaviour to what YOU want. My guess is you don't want to be a safety net.... you DON'T want him calling you everyday to shake your confidence and slow your recovery. You DO want him to escalate the quality of his contacts and interactions so that you get back to being "a couple" legitimately, not a fake "back up plan" couple.

 

In my mind, that's why you lengthen the distance between contacts, but up the ante on their quality. So in this case... ignore him for a week, then sugar and spice (much spice) on the phone. In this case, the added context of the phone will help stir memories... help him smile... help you smile... then you are OUT and OFF the phone quickly (again, it's not about frequency or duration... it's about quality).

 

Then "wash, rinse, repeat", each time getting closer to the behaviours you want... reward him when he does something you like... ignore him when he does something you aren't thrilled with. Gradually, as you start to trust his intentions, you can start lengthening interactions and increasing frequency... and quess what? You are dating again!

 

I know it sounds so contrived, but if you take the 1000 foot view, that is what we do when we start getting interested in someone. The only difference here is that you want to avoid him smothering you in his confusion (remember, he is still like a drowning man)... you want to keep yourself OUT of the situation until the risk is worthwhile.

 

Does this make sense?

[shockeddismayed]

Short answer....

 

I guess I agree entirely with Muneca, except that I think you need to be careful of reinforcing a behaviour like calling you everyday *just because* he is single *this week*.

 

Emphasis on taking YOUR time.

[shockeddismayed]

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!

 

I read this only after my last two posts...

[codaaurora]

You know, I wanted to say this on the board so other's can see it and understand.

 

Too often in a LTR with one person being laid back and easy going (me) and the other being strong willed and one way highway mentality (him) you begin to loose yourself in trying to help the other person live their life to the best of their ability.

 

Somewhere along the way, you realize that you are not who you used to be, the person you loved, the person he/she fell in love with. You are no longer in a working/healthy relationship and your hating it and yourself for being weak.

 

So you might not think you're taking it out on the other person, but you are in ways that you might not see. I stopped doing the housework the way I should have, I stopped worrying about working out, I stopped being interested in a lot of things that I know drew him to me. My vivacity, my spirit, my spark. All gone, wrapped up in him. WHY?? To "ensure" the continuation of my relationship, I had lost so much of my self that I was insecure and was afraid of loosing him, so I put more of myself into him and lost more of who I was. AND GUESS WHAT? The thing I feared most....happened! I lost him. Granted maybe not for good, but then again, maybe so.

 

Either way, I'm learning a hard lesson from this. I need to stop trying to be what someone else wants and start being me.

 

I learned all of this from the strength, guidance and empathy I've been shown on this board. S&D, Muneca, all of you who have helped, thank you. Thank you for standing beside me while I tried so desperately to understand anything/everything. I know, that no matter what happens, I have a place to turn to in my time of need.