Confusing relationship with ex

[Lovelavie]

So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. There was a lot of hurt, I was really depressed for the first weeks until I got back on my feet and started "living" again. We have always been kind of party animals and we used to go to a lot of parties together, so when we broke up, that didn't change. However, he started hanging out with people I had never seen before and he started meeting all these girls which made me really upset. I started getting suspicious about one girl in specific, which later on I did find out they were seeing each other.

 

He owes me some money but he's in debt now so I told him there's no rush for him to pay me, so we still keep in touch because of that. However he has been nicer to me over the past weeks, we talked on the phone for 2 hours this week about how our relationship ended, how he and I were seeing other people. I could tell he was a bit bothered by the fact I was seeing someone else, but truth is I'm only trying to move on. He also said he doesn't want to delete our pictures from social media and that he isn't going to get in a relationship with this girl even though I keep telling him eventually he will. In resume, we talked about our feelings and how we want to be friends and how we care for each other. However, I feel like our relationship isn't like any relationship. Like, I can call him anytime with any problem and I know he'll help me. He's the only person I can trust to and tell anything, and I can't do that with the guy I'm seeing... of course we're still in the beginning, but I don't feel bad about talking to my ex even though me and this guy decided we were only seeing each other.

 

It's so complicated because out of the blue my ex will start talking to me. Like today he texted me and was sending me pictures of his business trip and we'll just have a casual talk about something. I really don't know what his thoughts are on this, because when we started going out he was so in love and so exclusive with me, and with this girl he just seems to enjoy her company but nothing serious... And I guess if he was all that in love with her he wouldn't bother talking to me at all.

 

I feel confused, I'm not upset about our BU anymore, but I wonder if my feelings for him will ever go away. It's like on the back of my mind I think we might get back together. He was the person I loved the most and we had a really deep connection which is so hard to find. With this guy I'm with, we've known each other for almost 3 months now and have been together and we get along really well, I know he really likes him, but I can't be myself completely because I still think about my ex even though I've accepted our BU. I guess what bothers me is that even though I am moving on and I'm happy with my life, my ex still plays a big part in it. When I broke up with my previous BFs we would go out separate ways and never talk again, but with him it's like something keeps us connected and when I don't reach out to him, he reaches out to me, which keeps me from moving on completely.

 

I'm not complaining nor am I sad about this anymore, I just wanted you guys' opnion on this ... I think I'm scared I'll never find someone who'll make me feel the same again

[Blue Ridge]

My only advice is to not stay in contact with someone you are broken up with. When (if) he repays you, he can reach out. Until then, you're only confusing each other and taking longer to heal by talking and texting. Stop that.

[Wiseman2]

You deserve more than the friendzone and being in his fan club. As long as he's 'nice' he doesn't have to repay you, right? But combined with him having a new gf...how is this ongoing contact helping you move on or heal or find new love, for that matter?

I think I'm scared I'll never find someone who'll make me feel the same again

[gebaird]

... I don't feel bad about talking to my ex even though me and this guy decided we were only seeing each other.

 

Does your new boyfriend know about this? How do you think he would feel?

 

... And I guess if he was all that in love with her he wouldn't bother talking to me at all.

 

This isn't necessarily true.

 

... I wonder if my feelings for him will ever go away.

 

Not if you keep talking to your ex.

 

... it's like something keeps us connected and when I don't reach out to him, he reaches out to me, which keeps me from moving on completely.

 

That "something" is YOU -- reaching out to him and engaging in long conversations when he reaches out to you.

 

I think I'm scared I'll never find someone who'll make me feel the same again

 

You won't, not as long as you have one foot in and one foot out. I think it's WAY too soon for you to be in an exclusive relationship with someone. You're still not over your ex and aren't making any progress in that direction. I feel bad for the guy you are seeing. He probably doesn't realize how complicated you're about to make his life.

[naakitz]

Here's the thing. my best friend broke up with her BF as he was way too controlling even hit her once. She has moved on but was never able to find the attachment that she had with that BF. Its been 4 years now but whenever they need to talk or need anything, they contact each other. She was going through some insurance problems, she called him up and he instantly got it fixed for her and whenever he is down he calls her up and she talks to him and makes him laugh.Now here there's no talk about being with each other or anything like that. What most of the people don't understand is in our lives we do tend to meet one person who with all his/her faults is the closest person we will ever meet in our lives. As long as you aren't sad about the situation it is not harmful for you. Do not expect anything from this and you are good.

[Lovelavie]

Well, I was started seeing this new guy, I was really honest about how I didn't want a serious relationship, but he made it clear from the beginning that he was in love with me and would wait until I was ready... Thing is, I'm still not ready but I enjoy his company, he has his flaws but we've been trying to get along. I don't want us to end just because I still feel something towards my ex even though we won't work out together, not now or ever, but still can't control it. Thing is, I find myself numb to all this. I was never the kind of person to talk to an ex behind someone's back or "do" anything wrong, but with my ex it's different. He is so dear to me and was such an important part of my life that I can't just treat him like "just an ex"... Idk

 

We're both wrong for talking to each other, since the other girl probably also thinks he doesn't talk to me, and my guy has no idea also, but I just can't ignore him. When he texts me it makes me feel happy and I can't just cut him out of my life.

 

I know this is all wrong, but I just wanted to understand what is his thought on this, since he was the one who wanted to break up, he was the one that pulled away and now he'll call and text me. I don't know if he's needy, if he misses me as a person, I really don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this, maybe it's nothing, but I can't help but wonder why he chooses to talk to me when he has this other girl to invest in...

[Lovelavie]

yes naakitz that is exactly how I feel. It's like I can meet other nice guys, I can meet wonderful guys and not so great ones too, but none of them will ever be my ex. He could have his flaws but my connection with his was different than with anyone else. I'm not sad about it anymore, but it makes me wonder if I'll ever feel that again with someone or if I lost the person that meant the most to me forever...

[reinventmyself]

I know this is all wrong, but I just wanted to understand what is his thought on this, since he was the one who wanted to break up, he was the one that pulled away and now he'll call and text me. I don't know if he's needy, if he misses me as a person, I really don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this, maybe it's nothing, but I can't help but wonder why he chooses to talk to me when he has this other girl to invest in...

Because he can.

Look, if he wanted you he wouldn't have risked losing you in the first place.

 

If, and a big if the chance to reconcile came into his mind he wouldn't be motivated to do anything about it as long as he has easy access to you. If he really wanted you the thought of never hearing from you again might motivate him.

 

I've been you. Dated a guy I wasn't certain about and was convenient. In all honesty I can admit that I used this person as a rebound and never intended on getting attached. Much like you describe when you tell him you don't want anything serious.

There's something comforting about someone wanting you while you spend your time pining for someone else who doesn't.

Bottom line, it's not fair to him. If it's true and you admit it to yourself you might see that the best thing to do is either focus on what you have and be 100% present or let him go.

 

You won't get over the ex as long as allow him access to you. You need to stop trying to decode his behavior because is doesn't change the outcome.

Anything short of him showing up on your doorstep wanting to reconcile is just noise.

 

You need to close one door for another to open.

It's just how the universe works sometimes.

[naakitz]

Why did you jump onto another relation so quickly? I just broke up and talking to another guy isn't in my list at all. Give yourself healing time. Yes the first thing comes in mind is talk to someone and I would get distracted and heal fast. But no. We constantly compare those two men to each other. We tend to think about our ex more than the present guy. At this moment, think about yourself not about the guy or the girl you ex is dating. Make yourself happier. I have always been a giver. My ex was talking to his previous fling who was about to get engaged in two months to her 5 year old BF. Both didn't tell their partners that they are contantly snap chatting and texting and even met up at a concert. Her BF now fiance called me, said I am so confused I caught her talking to your BF. I said they have been talking but never met each other. If you love her and think you will be a disaster without her just propose her. He proposed her and thanked me. But here I am alone. Not with my BF not with anyone else. So first thing first think about yourself and try not to hurt anyone and live your life to the fullest. You dont need a man to be happy

[Lovelavie]

I guess both of you couldn't have said it better. Deep down I know this is all true. I know it isn't fair to the new guy, it's just that he makes life easier sometimes. He makes me laugh, he's a good company, I do have feelings for me him it's not like I'm using him to forget my ex, there are feelings there but it's just not enough and I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully commit to him as I was commited to my ex or anyone who has been my BF. I also don't know if we'll work out anyway since he has these mood swings and we've had some arguments that put our relationship at stake. I guess I'm just seeing how it goes...

 

I do want to get over my ex, I do want to move on with my life, but I just don't know how to shut him out. When he texts and calls me acting nice I just can't act rude towards him or tell him to stop... also because if I did tell him to stop he would probably be like: but we're just talking as friends, don't expect this to be something else. Which in a way is true, if he did want to get back with me he would've at least tried already...

[Blue Ridge]

He is so dear to me and was such an important part of my life that I can't just treat him like "just an ex"... Idk

Sure you can! And need to.

but with my ex it's different.

It's really not. You were in a relationship, now you aren't. I've lost count of the posts where people say their circumstances are somehow magically different. They aren't. The same rules apply. You're SUPPOSED to pine and miss them. You're SUPPOSED to want to talk and comfort each other even though you shouldn't.

We're both wrong for talking to each other, since the other girl probably also thinks he doesn't talk to me, and my guy has no idea also, but I just can't ignore him. When he texts me it makes me feel happy and I can't just cut him out of my life.

 

 

You can ignore him and you can cut him out of your life. It's the fair, kind and honest thing to do. Otherwise you can continue this dance. Up to you.

[naakitz]

Everyone will say shut it down. No contact.You are better than that. I'll say use your judgement. Do what makes you happy. Just don't degrade yourself. Don't come to this level where he says to you not think but says to you wow man you are so desperate. Stop thinking, stop thinking what other would think what he would think. Do what makes you comfortable. Time heals everything. If you are talking to him and not seeing him, trust me you will get used to being without him eventually. Don't be too tough on yourself and go with the flow.

[reinventmyself]

I do want to get over my ex, I do want to move on with my life, but I just don't know how to shut him out. When he texts and calls me acting nice I just can't act rude towards him or tell him to stop... also because if I did tell him to stop he would probably be like: but we're just talking as friends, don't expect this to be something else. Which in a way is true, if he did want to get back with me he would've at least tried already...

 

You don't need to be rude to him. You can however tell him out of respect for your current relationships, is best that you don't communicate. If anything changes, to let you know. Nothing rude about that. Unless. . . it's an excuse to keep talking to him.

You say you want to move on but defend reasons to not.

You can't have it both ways.

[Wiseman2]

Ask him to repay you what he owes you and see if that is still the case.

When he texts me it makes me feel happy

[naakitz]

On a side note, how about I ask you a question to take your mind off this topic. I have a very strong desire of sex and me and my ex had the greatest chemistry ever. He has been with a lot of girls one night stands flings and all. And he claimed hands down, I have never had this kind of chemistry with anyone. I know he is having harder time initiating sex with someone else as a matter of fact. Me and him slept together weeks ago after our breakup (oops i am guilty) and I could tell he hasn't been with anyone lol. So my question is, i dont want to be in a relationship with anyone anytime soon. Not ready for that. It wouldn't be a good idea still sleeping with my ex right? lol i mean if I was to sleep with a random dude why don't I just make my heart into a rock and just sleep with my ex. dumb question?

[Blue Ridge]

Everyone will say shut it down. No contact.You are better than that.

We are saying shut it down because they are broken up and in new relationships. It's wrong to the new people, and unfair to yourself. This isn't arbitrary advice.

I'll say use your judgement. Do what makes you happy.

If there has been one time I had poor judgment in my life, it was after my worst breakup. You can never heal as long as you are in contact with the ex. That's not opinion.

Don't come to this level where he says to you not think but says to you wow man you are so desperate. Stop thinking, stop thinking what other would think what he would think.

I am not sure what this means.

Do what makes you comfortable.

Healing from a breakup is never comfortable. Drinking a bottle of vodka might be "comfortable" too, but it's still bad advice and won't help healing.

Time heals everything. If you are talking to him and not seeing him, trust me you will get used to being without him eventually.

And that will happen a LOT faster if she isn't talking to him. I promise you, we on this forum don't give the NC advice on a whim.

[Blue Ridge]

It wouldn't be a good idea still sleeping with my ex right?

I'm not being rude here, but if that's a serious question, you should really reconsider giving advice to others.

[naakitz]

Hey Blue Ridge,

 

We are here for the same purpose. To take our mind off from stuff that we are going through. You are being very serious about stuff here. What I don't like is how we just reply with a complete shut down. Human nature is when we are hurt, we want sympathy. Actually Alcohol is a depressant. Never ever try to overcome your sadness with alcohol.

[Blue Ridge]

We are here for the same purpose. To take our mind off from stuff that we are going through.

My purpose of being here is to learn from other's experiences and give advice when I can.

You are being very serious about stuff here.

Staying in touch with an ex when you are seeing someone else (and they are too) is serious business. It isn't just the OP who can get hurt in all this.

What I don't like is how we just reply with a complete shut down.

When you're broken up, that's what it is. You don't decide you are going to break up in 6 months and wean off of each other by spending less time and growing apart, because that would never work. NC does work. I've done it in recent relationships, not done it in others, and come out the other side "woke", as the kids say. A complete shut down is the fastest way to heal, it's like quickly ripping off the band-aid, rather than pulling it millimeter by millimeter.

Human nature is when we are hurt, we want sympathy.

That's all fine and well, as long as we don't seek it from our exes.

[gebaird]

I know it isn't fair to the new guy, it's just that he makes life easier sometimes.He makes me laugh, he's a good company, I do have feelings for me him it's not like I'm using him to forget my ex, there are feelings there but it's just not enough and I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully commit to him as I was commited to my ex or anyone who has been my BF. I also don't know if we'll work out anyway since he has these mood swings and we've had some arguments that put our relationship at stake. I guess I'm just seeing how it goes...

 

This sounds okay for a guy you are periodically dating as one of many options. But exclusivity is a precursor to long-term commitment. It doesn't seem fair to you or him to be making moves in that direction.

 

I just don't know how to shut him out...

 

I think a truer statement would be that you just don't know WHY to shut him out -- you can't come up with a reason. Once you have a why, the HOW is the easy part.

 

So here's the why:

 

1) Prolonged contact with your ex will keep you from healing, moving on, being happy, having another successful relationship

 

2) There could be a lot of collateral damage caused by these supposedly innocent texts. It could impact you, your ex, your new boyfriend and his new girlfriend. It could impact your future relationships and theirs. At the moment no one knows about the contact, so no harm done (seemingly). But where does it lead? These are human lives you are messing with. All because of your inability to move on. In the short-term, perhaps the consequences are minimal. But this road will eventually lead to regret.

 

... also because if I did tell him to stop he would probably be like: but we're just talking as friends, don't expect this to be something else.

 

If you say, "I'm going NC" and he says, "but we're just talking as friends," this is what you can tell him: there is no friendship with a former lover. It's not a thing. Because of your past relationship ALL conversation with him is potentially detrimental. It doesn't matter if you're talking about sawdust.

 

My marriage almost failed because I chose to stay in contact with a friend who had once been a lover. Don't make a similar mistake. There's nothing innocent about hurting people.

[gebaird]

Hey Blue Ridge,

 

We are here for the same purpose. To take our mind off from stuff that we are going through. You are being very serious about stuff here. What I don't like is how we just reply with a complete shut down. Human nature is when we are hurt, we want sympathy. Actually Alcohol is a depressant. Never ever try to overcome your sadness with alcohol.

 

There's a fine line between truth and kindness. If someone is about to make a very serious error, in the long run it's much more kind to point it out than to actively encourage their self-destructive behavior. There's a place for empathy, understanding, compassion and love -- these are things we all appreciate. But sometimes we need to be told in very clear terms that our wrong thinking will only lead to pain.

[Birdie]

 

 

Go back and read this thread, about him disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship with other girls on social media.

 

He's doing this to his new GF with you. Remember how you felt? And consider that you're doing this to the guy you're dating now too.

 

It's a pretty terrible feeling isn't it?

[Ms Darcy]

Does your new boyfriend know about this? How do you think he would feel?

 

Well, I was started seeing this new guy, I was really honest about how I didn't want a serious relationship, but he made it clear from the beginning that he was in love with me and would wait until I was ready... Thing is, I'm still not ready but I enjoy his company, he has his flaws but we've been trying to get along. I don't want us to end just because I still feel something towards my ex even though we won't work out together, not now or ever, but still can't control it. Thing is, I find myself numb to all this. I was never the kind of person to talk to an ex behind someone's back or "do" anything wrong, but with my ex it's different. He is so dear to me and was such an important part of my life that I can't just treat him like "just an ex"... Idk

 

We're both wrong for talking to each other, since the other girl probably also thinks he doesn't talk to me, and my guy has no idea also, but I just can't ignore him. When he texts me it makes me feel happy and I can't just cut him out of my life.

 

This is textbook rebounding. I know there's no future with this new person. I TOLD him or her I'm not ready for a real or serious relationship. Even though I know he/she wants something serious, I am going to keep going out with him/her.

 

One thing I have noticed over time is that there is a certain level of apathy (here called numbness) to the feelings of the rebound. The feelings are really with the ex who, for whatever reason either dumped or emotionally neglected the person.

 

This site is also filled with plenty of rebounds who thought, for whatever reason, that the relationship was real or moving forward. I just wish they would read things like this and learn to runaway.

 

As for the OP, well my recommendation is similar to what someone else said. Women don't need a man in their life all the time. A good therapist, great friends, and chocolate? Yes. A man? No.

[Ms Darcy]

As for the OP, well my recommendation is similar to what someone else said. Women don't need a man in their life all the time. A good therapist, great friends, and chocolate? Yes. A man? No.

 

Let me edit this to say I'm not minimizing the human need for a relationship with my little joke there at the end. The point was more that it's good to take real, substantive time alone (if you need it) between relationships.