HELP--I am back to where I was 6 months ago...

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone...

 

I haven't been here for a while. I guess I thought I could just try & figure things out for myself & try to make things work.

 

Was I wrong...

 

I have been through alot, the last couple of months.

 

Here is a bit of background for those who don't know.

 

Me & my ex were together for nearly 7 years. We were falling into the cycle of fighting, breaking up then making up & getting back together -over & over again until around June of 2004 when he broke up with me.

 

I was devestated but we still remained to be friends and nearly got back together a few times ---but the same cycle would happen -the fighting would continue -until he decided to end it all again around October of 2004.

 

If you read my previous posts --you can see how bad things got for me...

 

 

 

Before I go on -----Here is one of the last posts I posted...

 

------------------------

Hi Everyone

 

I am not doing well, I am sruggling to get through this...

 

I am trying to heal but its just so hard. Things don't seem to be improving -I still am so hurt & it feels that everytime I try to move forward --I'm stepping back to where I started.

 

I haven't been on here for a while. During this time --I have spoken to him a couple of times and even saw him. But I have messed up too... Falling back into the trap of "bringing up questions about us" when I spoke to him or when I saw him.

 

All this Only pushing him away even more. I feel like such a failure.

 

I have tried to STOP -all I do wrong but just keep messing up each time...I am so messed up inside...

 

I am having a hard time accepting that -we may not be together again & don't really want to be with anyone else...

 

I also keep thinking that he probably has someone new (What leads me to think this is that --The last time I asked -he didn't want to tell me if he did or didn't & he just seemed to be a bit pre-occupied when I saw him last & when I speak to him...

 

I have a question???

 

Does anyone think he would TELL me if he does have someone new???

Or will he try & keep it from me?

 

Why would an ex not want us to know about the new person???

 

 

If he does have someone new ---ALREADY -I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that, if I can't even handle things now.

 

It has only been about 2 and a half months since he last broke up with me...Could he move on that quickly...

 

But I guess I also could be thinking "the worst case senario" again...

 

I try to get through each day --trying to keep myself busy & even went away n holiday...But things are getting me down.

 

I have only spoken to him about once a week. The last time I spoke to him --I managed to remain calm & didn't bring up anything about "us" at all -I also ended the phone call.

 

What I am trying to do is just --give him his space & not bring up anything about our relationship...& to be friendly...

 

 

I guess I am confused with everything & emotionally --Not coping at all...

 

 

 

Please give me any thoughts...

 

 

I have come to a point where I am losing hope for not only "us" to be together again but losing hope that I will not get myself back & be happy again...

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

 

================================

 

Well during this time we had limited contact -I only spoke to him around once a week and ONLY saw him a few times. During this time I was hurting so much & didn't know what to do -All I wanted was to have him back. While he was going out alot & seemed to be moving on just fine...

 

...I tried to STOP and think of doing things for myself for a change --I tried to work on myself, do things for me...Try to move on like he seemed to be ---I was doing really well.

 

The few times he saw me -He even noticed & complimented me. Everytime I would speak to him he always asked if I had met anyone new. I asked him too & everytime I did he would say NO. That there was no one.

 

 

 

THAT is until the very day that I found out THAT HE WAS INDEED seeing someone new.

THIS KILLED ME. Not only the fact that there was someone new but that all along he had been lying to me.

 

I found out from friends & other people who had seen them together and I was told that he was really into this new girl.

 

 

HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME -After being with me for 7 years and loving me the way he said he did. How could he just move on like that with someone else...(I still don't understand why he would do this to me) I guess I'm still hurting because of this.

 

While this all happened & me finding out -when I finally called him up & told him I knew

---He was really worried about me. He even met up & spoke to me-- Which when doing so told me that he never told me --because he didn't want to hurt me...

 

ALL THROUGH this I remained tried to remain calm. I never flipped out once (in front of him) ------I even remained to be friends with him even while he was seeing her too. He would always call me often & really appreciated how I reacted & handled this whole thing. How I wasn't holding it against him & still being his friend & would do anything for him.

 

Which was the truth ---

I stood by him no matter what because I love him so much...

 

I was hurting like you cannot believe ---knowing he was with her while I was just his friend who LOVED him more than she could ever...

 

I really shined with my new self --the stronger, moving on, taking care of herself & doing things for herself GIRL... IT WAS WORKING... I was actually able to take this & be strong about myself. Deep down I new that I was worth more to him than just his friend (7 years cannot just be erased).

 

 

I just continued each day, trying to be strong and worked on myself... While remaining to be his true friend (which I was indeed)

 

Eventually the one day I saw him he told me that he stopped seeing her. He then told me

How difficult it is to find someone out there, someone like me -that I was the perfect person. That he would never find anyone else like me.

 

From that day on we were as close as ever...even got intimate a couple of times.

But never did he say he wanted to get back together with me.

 

(BUT by being there & being intimate with him -I WAS TAKING HIM BACK)---Even after all the pain he caused me.

 

But he would always be hesitant. Things would go fine for a week or so then ---he would STOP and say he can't do this anymore that he was scared that he will just hurt me again. That we were just supposed to be friends.---After which we would then continue as friends but then again we would end up being intimate and things would be fine...then again he would say we can't carry on like this...

 

During this time

he said he still loved me,

that he doesn't want to lose me,

that he doesn't want to see me with someone else

That he has tried to move on...but just cannot

 

We would continue speaking to each other everyday. I couldn't take this anymore --

he couldn't make up his mind if he wanted to be with me or not.

 

Until a week ago ---I had a huge fight with him. The fight started when he was supposed to meet up with me ---but kept trying to avoid seeing me and then eventually said he didn't want to because everytime we see each other ---I always bring up "us" and why he broke up with me & why he doesn't want to get back together with me & how things always go back to being the same thing ---always fighting and etc...

 

I got so angry & couldn't take it anymore -I ended UP fighting with him - shouting & crying & saying things I shouldn't of---(including about how I have stuck by his side --even after all his put me through--even while seeing the new girl) He was so upset with me -it got so bad that he eventually told me (like he had 6 months ago) to get out of his life, that he doesn't want to see or hear from me ever again, that I mean nothing to him, that he doesn't love me. That it was over --That I need to move on...That I keep coming back to him & trying to fix things even though --he has said that its over...so many times...

 

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS...

This is driving me insane...How can you change your feelings just like that (in a matter of a few weeks)

 

 

I then asked him if this is what he really wanted & he said YES...That he did not want to remain friends either...

 

I then left! The next day I called him once again & appologised about everything & asked him again if he wanted me out of his life...

 

HE SAID yes once again.... we then said goodbye.

 

I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE...

 

 

It has been a week of NC so far...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I AM SO CONFUSED/HURT/ANGRY/SAD/DOWN/--I don't know what to do anymore...

 

I have tried so hard --I have given everything

 

 

BUT YET I AM BACK TO WHERE I WAS 6 MONTHS AGO...

 

 

 

 

Please help me anyone --I love him so much & still want him back...

 

 

I need all the help /advice I can get....I am slowly dying inside...

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

(sorry this was so long)

 

 

[shockeddismayed]

Lost Angel....

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so down again.... I really am. You have given of yourself SOOO much for this person, but he continues to mess things up (remember, HE is messing up..... ).

 

I hate to tell you this again... but I really think you need to let this go. ENTIRELY. It's not to say that he won't ever figure out what he is missing, he might, but in the meantime, you MUST stop letting him beat you down.

 

You being around him... you being friends with him.... it has stopped you both from healing. It has stopped you both from figuring out what you want. He's messed up, and having you around is making it easy and tempting for him to mess up AGAIN, and AGAIN, and AGAIN.

 

This guy does care for you.... that is why he lied about seeing someone. But I can also guarantee that he thinks you are unstable at the moment. He can't handle the drama, yet doesn't realize all the things HE is doing to make the situation dramatic.

 

Notice how he wanted you back when you (bit your tongue) and just stayed by him when he dated this new girl. He started to see you as independent.... that you might have healed. This took the pressure off him... made you and the relationship seem like it was a better option. Unfortunately your being friends with him was, for lack of a better term, a TOTAL JOKE.

 

YOU AREN'T HIS FRIEND. YOU ARE HIS EX, and YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. This is why things keep breaking down. You refuse to give yourself time to heal, time to get a solid foundation under your feet... and you pretended to be something you aren't.

 

It's OK to still be in love with him. But if that is the case, be honest enough with yourself to know that you can't be around him. YOu aren't ready to see him.... you shouldn't be talking on the phone.

 

You've tried everything Lost Angel... you really have. And it keeps coming back to the same place. He's not ready, and neither are you.

 

For your own sanity you MUST DO NC. No excuses, no more "but he said this", no "final chat to set things straight", none of that. Give yourself a timeframe... say 4 months. And don't break it for ANYTHING.

 

No phonecalls

 

No texts

 

No chance meetings

 

NOTHING!!!!!

 

If you don't do this now, you will lose him forever.... and worse than that, you might lose yourself forever.

 

Life is long. Love endures. If things are meant to be... I PROMISE YOU that a few months of strict NC will only be a drop in the bucket. But if you don't do it now, I predict that the two of you will come to the point where you never speak again... ever.

[Prosper]

Yes, girl, you need this NC really badly.

 

He is truly in love with you, thats why he wans to see you everytime after the break and both of you start to patch things up again.

 

I am not saying he is a bad guy to do this. But you do need to be a bad girl now.

 

Since you had felt that the girl whom was with him do not love him as much as you had compared, then keep away from him, and force an image of 'you are with someone new' and he will comes running back for you. Do this for about 4 months, it should be just nice the time.

 

If you are the revolving point of his life, he just needs you to keep himself spinning..

[RayKay]

I am going to second everything S&D said. Regardless of what you tell yourself and us - you just want to be friends, that you are okay to do this - your actions and your behaviour and even the way you interpret HIS actions are showing us you are NOT moved on and are still holding on.

 

You were with him 7 years, and you cannot expect the feelings to just go away, but you DO need to distance yourself so you can find yourself again and realize there IS something else out there for you, and to rediscover who you are. I fear that right now you are still obsessing over him, that your life is not complete without him and you feel it won't be unless he returns.

 

Some of the reasons I think this is because you feel he is "doing this to you" (as in being with someone else to hurt you). I don't think this is the case, I think he was also trying to move on...and while that did not work out as he is still healing, I don't think he was doing it to HURT you intentionally (and is why he did not tell you about it).

 

It sounds like you both need time apart...him just as much as you because right now you are both in a vicious cycle of pain, confusion and hurt. I doubt either of you are doing it intentionally of course, but you do need to both rediscover yourselves. You need to heal.

 

Maybe you will end up together, maybe not...but now you need to believe it is the latter and adapt to that. I know it hurts, but I think he is making the decision that HE needs to do this for him, and you do need to let him go. Just because he cares for you and loves you does not mean that he sees you as his partner right now - I know that hurts but take his answer as YOUR order to move on and leave him be.

 

Trust in time to heal

[rainy soul]

Lost angel,

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I really think that you are obssesing over this and I only say that because I know that i'm obssesed right now and I recognize it in you. At the same time I think that it is normal to be this way as after spending so many years of our lives being with someone, revolving our lives around someone seeing the little things in life and thinking oh wouldn't he think that was funny, weird, sad, great and then realizing that he isn't there anymore to share in those thoughts feelings etc. I'm sure that he stills loves you but the question is is he still in love with you? I don't think he is out to purposefully hurt you or is making a conscious effort to control the situation but he is and has. At the same time you have been a willing participant which means that he has not and could not do anything to you, you have excepted to do it to yourself. I know this sounds really harsh but someone very wise in my life put it to me that way and I had to face that cold reality. In some ways when you realize this you can take some of your power back and begin to decide where you go from here. Like someone else said you cannot be friends with him you are in love with him...funny how when were in love all the rules are thrown out the window. For example when we don't hear from the one we love in a couple of weeks we think, how could they do this to me, I can't believe they've moved on so quickly and forgotten about me, how could I have meant so little to them? Whereas if this was a friend of ours that did this we would probably think oh they've just been busy instead of crying ourselves sick everyday. I think once you've picked yourself up a bit (its really only been a week) you should get back to working on yourself that is the only way I'm surviving right now I guess we just have to remember that we are working on ourselves for ourselves and not anyone else...begin the slow love affair with your own heart and rediscover the beauty it holds within...give yourself lots of time and see what comes of it. Take care

[heloladies21]

It seems like his feelings change really quick because inside he's really confused about how he feels. And to make t worse, when you are around (asking him about "us", asking him about his relationship status, being intimate with him) it confuses him more. He then starts to push away from you because he sees you causing the confusion. The only way you will be able to stop this is to do No Contact. He can then figure out what he really wants and if you are it, he will let you know. A good side effect is it will help you to feel better about yourself and let you calm down about thie situation.

 

And it's hard, the hardest thing I've ever had to do, is to let someone go to find their own way. And I had to do it twice! But that's the next step.

 

And when your ready, you'll take that step...

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

 

Thnks for your replys.

 

I will try to answer all of you as soon as I can...

 

 

Thanks

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi S&D

 

Thanks so much for your reply & all your previous posts.

 

I am so confused & I am beating myself up about this very point that you brought up.

 

S&D wrote...

"This guy does care for you.... that is why he lied about seeing someone. But I can also guarantee that he thinks you are unstable at the moment. He can't handle the drama, yet doesn't realize all the things HE is doing to make the situation dramatic."

 

This is what is getting me down so bad ---I am blaming myself for everything because of the way I reacted & fought with him. I'm seeing it as if this is the reason for him not wanting to speak to or see me again. I feel as though he is going to hold the way I reacted against me. I am scared that he will just see me in this way & not remember my good points & how Iv'e stuck by his side no matter what. I think I really messed up because its like Iv'e given him a reason to make his decision and made it easier on him to not feel so bad about the whole situation.

 

This is what's killing me. He has made me feel as though it all happened because of me & how I reacted.

 

I'm not sure I can stay strong with this on my mind...

 

S&D You are right. NC is my only option... It is the hardest thing ever but I know I have to do it...I'm just worried I mess that up too because he always ends up calling me and I never know how to react to him breaking NC. That is where I always mess up.

 

What do I do if he does break NC? If he calls and I don't realise its him or I say had to see him somewhere?

I need all the guidance I can get for this...

 

 

Thanks again for your thoughts...

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi Prosper

 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

 

NC is so difficult that I don't know how I'm going to manage without messing up.

 

About letting him think that I have someone new... I don't think I could do that, even though I know that it would probably kill him if he did find out I was with someone new.

 

Although at this point I don't really know what would effect him or not because he is so upset at me for the way I reacted and doesn't want to see or speak to me.

 

 

I guess I am just so confused right now that I don't really know what would bring him back. But of what Iv'e learned from here is that I need to focus on me now. Then maybe he will one day realise the consequenses of his decision.

 

I also wanted to ask you --Do you really think he is truly in love with me? I just don't know how he feels about me anymore. Especially after what he said to me when we had the fight ---"that I mean nothing to him & that he doesn't love me".

 

 

I guess I don't know where I stand with him. I just hope he didn't mean what he said.

 

 

 

Thanks again.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi RayKay

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts...

 

 

I can tell you honestly...I have not moved on...(Even though I've tried) and I'm not sure how I'm going to even manage to do it, if he doesn't come back.

 

It hurts so much to know that I could lose him. But You are right that I need to let go...

 

 

I have tried my best to try & make things work but look where I have ended up once again. I'm always the one who is trying to fix things, trying to make it work. I'm never wanting to let go. I have given everything.

While he has just breaking things off with me over & over again.

 

I'm just so confused with his feelings & what he wants me to be in his life. I just can't make sense of what he is feeling because at one moment he wants to be with me & says he loves me but then the next says he doesn't & that he doesn't love me.

 

I guess once again he has made a decision. And as much as it hurts. I know that I need to LET HIM GO...

 

 

I just don't know if I will be able to cope... This hurts too much.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Sli]

Hi sorry to see you still unhappy Lostangel, I posted a couple of times to you last time around

 

But hey you will cope ... and you will finally realise that your love life doesn't have to be this way, one day you will have had enough of all the drama and heartbreak and realise that… actually you'd prefer to be with people that make you feel happy and good about yourself!

 

As far as I can see the only thing you haven't properly tried yet as everyone has suggested is a sustained period of strict NC. You keep falling off the wagon and ending up at the same place, he is an addiction to you and like any other you need to stay away so you can learn to cope on your own, and find that happy person inside again…don't you want that? When was the last time you felt really happy?

 

Please try this… like kicking any dependence or craving it may feel worse before it gets better, but it will get better, you've tried everything else (I did too) and if it aint working try something different, right? What've you got to lose?... Apart from yourself…I agree 4 months NC minimum… doctors orders!

 

Take care

Sli

[LostAngel]

Hi rainy soul

 

Thanks for your view...

 

 

I am always trying too hard to get him back. I guess I love him too much.

 

 

rainy soul wrote:

"I guess we just have to remember that we are working on ourselves for ourselves and not anyone else...begin the slow love affair with your own heart and rediscover the beauty it holds within...give yourself lots of time and see what comes of it."

 

The last time he started "coming back" was when he stopped seeing the new girl.

 

He then seemed to notice how I had been working on myself. I remember how he noticed that I lost a bit of weight & even told me how stunning I'm looking. Not only from the outside but from the inside too. When he told me that he can't believe how I reacted to the whole thing & that I am always there for him & that he will never another person who will be like me.

 

I guess if I keep on working on me ---When we do have contact again ---he will notice & may regret his decision.

 

 

I hope I can keep working om me...& stay strong...

 

 

Thanks again

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi heloladies21

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

 

This is so hard & hurts like hell. I know that I have to give him space to think about this but I'm just so worried on how things ended that he will base his decision on how I reacted.

 

I just hope he will see me for the true person I am, that he knows I can be. The person who is always there for him & has stood by his side no matter what.

 

But I am so preoccupied with what he is thinking of me & if he will just base it on the fight we had. This is what is hurting the most.

 

Him making it sound like it is my fault...

 

 

I just don't know how to get past this...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Hi Sli

 

Thanks for your reply & your help from previously.

 

I can't believe I'm back to where I was last time.

 

Sli wrote:

"As far as I can see the only thing you haven't properly tried yet as everyone has suggested is a sustained period of strict NC. You keep falling off the wagon and ending up at the same place, he is an addiction to you and like any other you need to stay away so you can learn to cope on your own, and find that happy person inside again…don't you want that? When was the last time you felt really happy?"

 

 

Sli -You know this is the first time that I don't have the urge to call him. I am so worried that I will upset him further & hear more things from him that I don't want to. I am so scared to mess up once again that I'm not willing to take the chance.

 

That is why I am also so worried at what to do if he breaks NC. As he alwys has. What I should say or do. What the best way to react is and etc... I don't want to mess things up even more...

 

I am going to try my best --this is my only hope -Like S&D said --

If I don't consider doing NC properly --I could lose him for ever...

 

 

I don't want to lose him...so I'm willing to do this properly like I never have done before...

 

I will try to keep going but I know this is not easy...

 

 

 

Thanks so much Sli...I appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[just jeff]

LostAngel,

 

I wish you the strength to get through this difficult time; I am trying to regain my composure and move on too...I never want my heart and life to be turned upside down and inside out again. Maybe I should become a monk and live in solitude...humm, that is so not me.

 

Give your love to someone who will give it back in equal measure...be true to yourself. Good luck in your journey...

[LostAngel]

Thanks just jeff

 

 

I hope you have succcess through your journey too.

 

This is so hard & hurts alot. I'm not sure how I'm gonna get thru it.

 

 

 

I guess I just gotta make more of myself----then I can really prove my worth -Hopefully he will see it oneday & regret his decision...

 

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

LostAngel

[shockeddismayed]

I am so confused & I am beating myself up about this very point that you brought up.

 

This is what is getting me down so bad ---I am blaming myself for everything because of the way I reacted & fought with him.

 

LostAngel...

 

You know... it may not seem like it now, but you are going to get there. Keep the faith.

 

I just want to make a few observations:

1) You must ABSOLUTELY STOP blaming yourself for this. It takes two to tango. He came back and started talking to you again because HE is messed up emotionally too. I said you are unstable.... and truthfully you are... we all are/were. But he is too. The danger is that (as another poster wisely stated), you have BOTH been willing participants in this melodrama. You are both enabling these outbursts b/c you haven't the sense to stay away from each other for a while.

 

Do you honestly think he [edit] ISN'T cursing himself right now for what he's said? Of course he is! Obviously he said it before, saw you were doing well, felt terrible, came back around, reeled you back in, and the cycle continues. It will continue forever until one of you is strong enough to stop it for long enough that the dust can settle.

 

Let it be YOU. YOU take control of this situation. YOU rise above it. YOU ignore his next call. YOU step above the mire and realize how unhealthily you both have been treating each other since the breakup. YOU show the respect for the past, but more importantly the respect for life and the future that MANDATES that you must leave each other alone for now.

 

2) He's certifiably insane at the moment. No sane person can change their mind so quickly. He's acting on passion, pain, and fear. Chalk it up to that... and remind yourself that YOU don't want anything to do with him while he is like this.

 

Remember that men are to be emotionally strong, supportive, secure, confident, loving..... and help form the foundation of a solid life together... for you... for your family. This guy can't provide ANY of that right now... he's a nutbar.

 

You won't go anywhere near him until he is able to grow up.

 

3) I'll tell you a thing about guilt. The longer you feel guilty for the feelings you've had and your behaviour, the longer it will take you to let this go. You'll be attached to the situation, torturing yourself because you want him to come back and say "you didn't act so bad... I was emotional too".

 

Be VERY VERY careful of this. It is a natural reaction. You feel outside yourself, you act with a passion and fury that you aren't comfortable with.... you want to pretend none of this behaviour ever happened. You are embarrased, and reduced to your basic, animal humility.

 

That's ok! We've all been there. Accept it... forgive yourself.... don't hang around waiting for him to validate things... you don't need it.

 

4) When he breaks NC you will simply not reply. Period. 4 months. Period. Get call display. If you bump into him, say "hello, good to see you... things are good... gotta run... take care" and then smile and sashay away from him with a smile on your face. Eat your heart-out you shadow of a man!

 

That's what your going to do.... start preparing now.

 

Once your 4 month period is up, and once you've done the above once, you can come back here for advice.

 

5) What you've failed to realize all along is something VERY simple. You simply DID NOT EVER CHOOSE to do NC. Even today I hear a lot of "I know what I need to do, but how can I if....... [insert rationalization here]"

 

LostAngel.... you can choose to do whatever you want. You've chosen in the past to break NC.... you've chosen to give him control of the situation. YOU CHOSE IT, because that is what you wanted to do.

 

What will you choose this time?

[shockeddismayed]

One last thing....

 

Wasn't it strange how when you were feeling good... when you were getting on with life... and he all of a sudden was feeling down, he came back.

 

He came back and stole that positive energy you were generating? He needed the boost, he saw you had that positivity and he took it from you?

 

And you let him. You let him take it from you instead of sharing it with him.

 

Hmmm.... how to get back to the place where positive energy can be shared without giving it all away?

 

I'm not being facecious, I've struggled with the same thing where my EX was concerned.

 

All I came up with (and perhaps too little too late) was: time, healing, personal growth, recovered self worth, and a refusal to continue making excuses for their behaviour.

[LostAngel]

Hi S&D

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

 

You are so right. As much as this whole situation hurts.

----You are right in every sense.

 

 

I have never really done NC --I've always fallen for his breaking of it. As soon as he calls -I'm right there answering the call and sit there talking to him as though nothing has happened. I'm always friendly & caring & pretend like things have not affected me.

 

---Now where has that got me...Back to square one each & every time.

 

S&D -Right now I'm willing to do what it takes to change things. I cannot sit here any longer and do the same thing over and over again and get NO WHERE.

 

You have opened my eyes & let me think about things...Thanks so much.

 

I feel alot better knowing that I should just leave things be & not be worring about how things ended.

It just worries me about how he feels about me.

But I guess like you say --How can he just change his mind like that!

 

I guess I proberly was waiting for him to validate my reaction & the fight. I always end up blaming myself for everything. I even ended up calling him the day after the fight & appologised for it. Even though he told me to get out of his life.

 

You know I hope soon he will realise my true worth and that its not just all me, that he also messes up.

 

S&D it has been 1 week & 2 days of NC and I will continue & try to do my best. I guess I'm gonna be spending alot of time here to try get thru this...

 

 

Thanks again

 

 

 

LostAngel

[just jeff]

s&d

 

I am truly impressed by your insightful posts…point 2) really hit home; acting out of passion, pain and fear…big wow; I think now I better understand why my ex can turn her feelings off and on so easily and she knows it…but couldn't put it into words. She asks for space and to be left alone while she sorts through her thoughts, feelings and outlook for her future.

 

Then she calls…she wants me and then it seems she doesn't; the yo-yo action. Thank you…I am going to finally give her the space she needs; she really does need it because she is so uncertain and doesn't want to be hurt or hurt me again.

 

LostAngel,

 

It sounds like it hit home to you too…in my opinion we have nothing to loose by following this advice…at least I don't. So much of what s&d stated rings true; thank you for you views…it's refreshing.

 

Stay safe in your journeys…my your lives be blessed…

[shockeddismayed]

Thanks Guys...

 

I'm only able to give this advice because of my own wild experience with my 7year EX who did very much the same stuff. She'd come back, ask me to write out what I thought we could improve upon, cry on my shoulder about missing me.... then back completely off the moment I tried to help things along. Saying she was scared... confused... not ready... needed to "find herself"... etc. And so the cycle would continue... I'd go NC for a few weeks and then I'd hear from her again.

 

In the end, I let this continue for too long, until I eventually blew up and told her how fed up about her behaviour I was. Given that I'd been a model citizen for months and months, and that her biggest concern about "us" was that I would never be able to forgive her for what had happened, I fell right into the trap without looking.

 

Looking back now, I know how close I was, but in the end she was right... I was way too angry with her to be ready to reconcile.

 

Did we try too hard too early? Would I ever be willing to reconsider her if she came back? Will she excuse the angry way things ended last time we saw each other?

 

I don't know, but I do know things would have been easier if we'd just left each other alone a little while longer.

 

Anyway... I guess my insight into the dumper's perspective comes from my experience with the EX.... she was an overanalyzer (as I sometimes am) and was willing to talk out a lot of her feelings with me.... I knew how she was feeling, knew what was holding her back, and could deduce why she kept coming back my way..... but even knowing why doesn't make it acceptable. In the end I got fed up with her selfish behaviour...

 

and it started to remind me that it was there during the relationship too... I just excused it due to her own insecurities. Everyone has their reasons.

 

But ask yourself this... Even if someone does have legit reasons for treating you poorly, how long are you willing to tolerate it? And for as long as you tolerate it, will it *ever* get better?

 

Loving someone completely and loving yourself is a fine balance.... and when it gets out of balance, one or both sides of the couple feels it (even if we can't put a finger on it).

 

Once that happens you can NEVER go back successfully unless you've both found solid ground first. That takes time.... and failing to do NC just perpetuates the imbalance.

 

But the best part is that when you get back on solid ground, you are a prize both for your own self and for someone else to appreciate.

 

Here is to getting there.... cheers!

[LostAngel]

Hi Everone

 

Thank you so much for all the support.

 

It helps me alot, in trying to get thru this...

 

---

I know I should not be dwelling on whats happened & thinking back to how things ended with him....but I just need your view on this.

 

It is something always playing in my head & making it even harder for me to let go of how things ended.

 

One thing I am always thinking back to & that I FORGOT to mention & only hit me while thinking about things last night was...

 

When we had the fight and I was so angry & had, had enough. As the fight went on...at one moment I turned around & said to him "that this is it! that I wanted "closure" --that he had never given to me."

 

"That I wanted to meet him so that I could ask him a few things, he could then say what he felt to my face -- and then he would never have to see me again."

 

That is when he got even more upset & started saying "that he has given me "closure" so many times -"that I need to move on...That I keep coming back to him & trying to fix things even though --- he has said that its over...so many times...But that I just don't get it..."

 

 

 

I just want to know from someones point of view...

 

Do you think I really messed up any chances for getting back together in the future by having brought up "closure" to him...

 

I am so confused & worried about how it all ended, how I reacted, what I did & what I said --that I am struggling to let go of all of this.

 

 

Please anyone, I just need to know that I have not messed up things even more by having mentioned "closure" to him. Even though before I did ---He told me that he wanted me out of his life...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[RayKay]

No I don't think you messed up chances for future...I think the harsh reality is that he had determined before that that he needs to do this, to move on. No ONE singular action likely ended the relationship in the first place

 

He obviously cares for you, otherwise he would not of talked about the "closure" so many times, but he realizes he too is being held back by revisiting it over and over again. I know it may seem as if he is being "cold" by saying he has given you closure lots of times, but I think he does not understand why you need to keep going over it - his mind is not changing and he may see it as an effort by you to manipulate or change his mind (ie by "trying" to show him the good times, or get him to remember them, to "show" him how senseless breaking up is".

 

He is telling you he is letting go - you are NOT a couple anymore, and he does not owe it to you to walk you through this holding your hand..I know that sounds harsh, but you revisiting the issue under guise of closure is not going to bring you closer to healing. Only YOU can make choice to heal and move on, and he can't be the one that does it for you. You are still relying on him too much even if not physically as he is not there - you are emotionally, and you need to separate yourself.

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

 

He broke NC & I think Iv'e messed up again.

 

 

Here is an update...

 

So it was almost 2 weeks of NC since I last spoke to him. That is until the weekend!!! I decided to go out clubbing & met a couple of friends there. I was having a really cool night but I must admit that I was always thinking of him & if I was going to bump into him.

 

Which I was likely to do as I ran into a few of his friends that were there. But just greeted & didn't ask if he was there. Well as the night went on, I continued having a great time. But still didn't see him or even know if he was there or not. Then all of a sudden I get a phone message and its him... Wanting to know if I'm okay & That I must enjoy my evening but please just let him know if everything is okay. I couldn't believe it, but I was a bit typsy so didn't even remember reading it.

 

Much later into the night at one stage while on the way to get a drink with a couple of 'guy' friends ----There he is, standing right in front of me ---I didn't know how to react... so I just smiled & froze --he then came up to me & greeted me & said that he just got there & wasn't gonna come but just decided to. This was a bit strange as it was already quite late & only then did he arrive...

 

Maybe I'm reading into things too much but I think he came 'cause he found out I was there. Well we then continued chatting which I know I shouldn't have done...(considering breaking NC) --I didn't know quite what to do & I was a bit typsy (so was quite happy & talkative). He kept asking how I was & how everything was & wanted to continue talking to me... Eventually we sat (just the 2 of us), chatting the rest of the night away...

 

I kept asking him if he meant all the things he said when we had the fight. He said No but that it is the only way that I will move on & that he wants me to because he thinks 'I deserve better', That I was the best thing that ever happened to him but that he can't take the fighting & that he doesn't want to get back together because of things always going back to the same thing over & over again. I then asked him if he really does want to see me whith someone else & if he is willing to lose me. He then said that it is just something he is just going to have to learn to accept & live with when it does happen. As it was his decision...

 

Guys,I don't know what to do anymore ----I just know deep down, he really loves me & that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. I just don't understand his feelings.

 

I mean he was really worried about me & even came there that late & just wanted to keep chatting to me. He even asked if I had met anyone and was worried about the 'guy' friends I was with. He even told me that HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE...

 

I just can't take this anymore....I don't know what to do...

 

 

The next day----I called him to say hi & we chatted for quite a while. But I didn't bring up anything else about "us". I'm not sure what to do from here but I have decided to let it go & not bring up another thing about "us". As he has made his decision and I'm going to just have to accept it-----We are back in contact now and I thnk I've messed up again because of it.

 

I just don't know how long it's gonna take for him to realise what he might be losing and I think that I'm just going to have to go on and let him come back on his own... I cannot continue to run after him.

 

I'm confused once again but at this point I know if I keep BRINGING UP THINGS ABOUT US & keep pushing & adding pressure for him to come back---I'm going to lose him forever...

 

 

Sorry if I let you guys down with not holding out with NC (I am so confused on what to do) I think I messed up but at the same time I feel better that we spoke & knowing that he didn't mean what he said when we last faught.

 

 

I don't really know where to go from here... I'm so mixed up...I'm also worried about just turning around & doing NC again incase he sees it as me pushing him away...I don't know.

 

 

Please tell me what you think...I just don't know anymore...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[shockeddismayed]

LostAngel,

 

There isn't anything you did that "screwed things up". He was the one who wanted to see you at the bar. But.....

 

This guy is treating you like crap, and you are accepting it. No wonder you feel sh**ty... everytime he says jump, you say "how high? and do you really mean jump, or would you rather that I leap? or perhaps skip? Please tell me what I should do!"

 

Right now this what you know:

 

1) He does not want to be with you. He's said it and shown it in many, many ways.

2) He worries about you..... but unfortunately he worries about HIM more than he worries about you. He says he wants you to move on, he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

3) He wants to go out and meet new girls (hence his guilty "you deserve better"), yet the moment he hears you are out having fun, he is there to put a stop to it. He's manipulating and playing you like a musical instrument.

3) He's behaving like a classless jackarse! No guy with any dignity would keep doing this to you.

 

He's got one thing right. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

Stand up for yourself... dust yourself off and get back on your NC horse. Things are in a better place for you to do that now. You have no excuses anymore... you know that he didn't mean all the things he's said... you know that he doesn't want you back right now or anytime in the near future.... you know that if things are meant to be, he knows how to find you.... YOU KNOW that he is treating you like a doormat.

 

He crossed a BIG line and invaded your personal space by coming out to see you. It was NOT acceptable.

 

There was nothing "bad" about the way you reacted to him... you didn't break down and cry (which is good considering it sounds like you had too much to drink... imagine how calm and cool you'd have been if you were sober).... but next time he acts like he owns you, smile, say hello, be friendly for 30 seconds, then walk right on past him with your male friends and go on with what you were doing before he got there.

 

Back to NC!!!!