Need Help with viscous cycle

[can1328]

It's been a while since I've been on this site. My ex gf of 6 years ended it with me a little over a year now. I am now 99% over that situation. She cheated and left me abruptly owing money, etc. It left a real sour taste in my mouth about dating. I didn't date for a good 8 months after in order to get over that situation and get myself back. I feel like I have. I even found out she got engaged and is getting married in a few months. It actually doesn't bother me. I wouldn't trade places with that guy if I had the option.

 

I've dated/went on dates with a dozen or so girls. Reconnected with some girls from the past but haven't been able to feel anything for anyone except one girl. And here's where my story begins.

 

I've had a really great friend that I've known since I was 16 years old. She's been in my life all through the time with my ex. She lived on the other side of the country. My ex and I would even visit when we were vacationing in the area. I've visited her when single as well. It was always pretty platonic. Once I broke up with my ex we spoke a lot more. She was having issues with her bf at the time. We would talk on the phone, etc. She would visit home (where I live and she's originally from) ever summer for a few weeks. Last summer we spent alot of time together. She was on and off with her bf and I was recently single. There was no sexual contact but a lot of flirty behavior. Just a little closer than friends. She would stay at my house some nights, I'd hang out with her and her family, etc. I saw her again last Christmas when she was home and the same behavior went on. Pretty much acting as bf/gf when she's home. Then she goes back to where she lived and we talk a few times a week.

 

As of this summer, she has decided to move back home. She is now completely single. She ended her on and off relationship a few months ago and decided to come home for a career. Her first night back she comes over my house, stays over and things happened. Again, showing a lot of affection in public as well as just us together. She invited me to her family outings, etc. It sounds simple that we're on track to begin dating but I feel like she's not as into it as I am. I feel like I'm falling for her but she's only showing me affection when it's convenient for her. I'm out of a relationship for over a year and I'm comfortable getting into another soon since I'm healed. She has mentioned in very brief conversation that she's not over her relationship and really can't begin anything yet. It was a short statement and we really weren't having a convo about us.

 

I guess I'm confused as to why she acts like we are bf/gf so much but isn't really considering making that happen. Are we just platonic friends that are very affectionate? Her friends have pulled me aside and said that they think that we should be dating, many of her family members have said the same thing. I'm confused.

 

I also feel that I drop a lot for her when she asks to hang out. I don't feel like that's reciprocal all the time in her case. I also take some blame in this situation because I'm really wanting to get into a relationship. All of my close guy friends around me have gf's/fiances/wives. I'm the only single one and am very tired of being the 3rd/5th/7th wheel when we go out.

 

I would like to know if I should pursue this or see where it goes. I worry about hurting a long friendship but also don't want to feel like this all the time.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

[ThatwasThen]

Why don't you just talk to her about advancing your relationship to a romantic one. You both have crossed so many platonic relationship boundaries that it's no wonder you're confused.

 

Just make sure you aren't just finding her so appealing because you're feeling desperate due to your friends being in committed romantic relationships and she happens to be convenient.

[can1328]

I agree. I do need to discuss this with her. Over the past few days it's really hitting me that she isn't in the same mindset that I am. I think it's very unfair to cross the friendship boundary so much but leave me hanging when it really comes down to it. Unfortunately, I'm currently feeling like I may have to put a stop to this friendship. I'm only going to get hurt in the long run if I continue down this path. I plan to have a conversation the next time it's convenient for the both of us.

 

I have been extremely anxious the past few days. I don't know how I got so wrapped up in this situation and feel somewhat stupid for letting myself get to this point. My main goal is to find someone that wants to eventually work toward a relationship. If I continue on my current path it's going to prevent me from finding someone else that can offer that. I guess this is what I need to tell her.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she's into you but not quite there yet. Hang in there, she'll catch up.

She has mentioned in very brief conversation that she's not over her relationship and really can't begin anything yet.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't agree that you should hang in there hoping she'll catch up. That's just opening you up for as you aptly put it, stopping you from finding someone that after all this time should already be caught up if she was ever going to. Talk to her about advancing your relationship and if she's the least bit hesitant then do yourself the favor of putting up strong boundaries with her and put a stop to any of her touchy-feely platonic relationship boundary crossing. Would you let your male friends do to/with you that she does to/with you? If the answer is no then stop anything that you wouldn't let a male friend do.

[can1328]

I don't agree that you should hang in there hoping she'll catch up. That's just opening you up for as you aptly put it, stopping you from finding someone that after all this time should already be caught up if she was ever going to. Talk to her about advancing your relationship and if she's the least bit hesitant then do yourself the favor of putting up strong boundaries with her and put a stop to any of her touchy-feely platonic relationship boundary crossing. Would you let your male friends do to/with you that she does to/with you? If the answer is no then stop anything that you wouldn't let a male friend do.

 

I'd like to have this conversation with her soon. I just don't want to look so desperate. You make a very good point. All the stuff she's doing is a large boundary crossing if, in fact, we are just friends. I haven't heard much from her in the past 2 days. She's out doing other things with other friends. That makes me think that there's really nothing there. Or is that she's out of a relationship and is enjoying time to herself. I'm just so confused by it. I think my answer will only be found by asking. Hopefully that will happen in the next few days.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, this she needs more freedom right now as a result of that. Just start going on dates and upgrading this from the friendzone and see what the response is. There doesn't have to be big discussions, just start planning one-on-one dates.

Or is that she's out of a relationship and is enjoying time to herself. I'm just so confused by it.

[ThatwasThen]

They've had one-on-one dates and cuddling even... there's were the platonic relationship boundaries got blurred and the confusion began. Short of kissing her and her responding or slapping him there is nothing else to do but discuss.

 

Maybe you should wait until she starts being this touchy/feely platonic relationship boundary crosser again and then you can begin the conversation. In the meantime, just consider her your buddy who has other buddies that she shares her time with.

[Jibralta]

Strong boundaries. That's what you need.

 

I was very much like this girl when I was in my mid-20s. I had no interest in settling down, and if a guy didn't have strong boundaries, I'd run him right over. I've had relationships drag on like this for years. All through college and beyond, with intermittent boyfriends that were never these stand-by guys.

 

And don't think I didn't like the stand-by guys. I did. I loved them. The only thing that prevented them from being boyfriends was their weak boundaries.

[ThatwasThen]

Strong boundaries. That's what you need.

 

I was very much like this girl when I was in my mid-20s. I had no interest in settling down, and if a guy didn't have strong boundaries, I'd run him right over. I've had relationships drag on like this for years. All through college and beyond, with intermittent boyfriends that were never these stand-by guys.

 

And don't think I didn't like the stand-by guys. I did. I loved them. The only thing that prevented them from being boyfriends was their weak boundaries.

True confessions. There ya go.

[can1328]

Well I spoke to her about it. She basically said to me that all the feelings she has for me and the actions are real. But she needs to be alone for a while due to the relationship she just got out of. It was very toxic and she confessed it only ended about a month ago. (She didn't tell me they were speaking again.) It's over for good now since she's moved back home from across the country to remove herself from him.

 

But anyway, i got the "I need to be alone for a while" and "you need to give me a second to think how i feel." etc. I think I pushed too hard and probably ruined it for myself. But even that, I'm not really positive she's into me and just using me as a crutch to fill a void. I guess it doesn't matter. I don't know how to be friends and be ok knowing she's out dating and living her life. That's a huge ego knock for me. But at the same time I understand her need to do that after getting out of a toxic relationship. I don't know how I could continue with this friendship without hurting myself. I don't think she'll wake up one day in a few weeks/months and say she's in love with me and wants to be with me. I feel I'd be setting myself up for heartache.

 

I'm sad today. I feel like not only did I get rejected, I am losing a best friend..

[SoulTaker]

Well I spoke to her about it. She basically said to me that all the feelings she has for me and the actions are real. But she needs to be alone for a while due to the relationship she just got out of. It was very toxic and she confessed it only ended about a month ago. (She didn't tell me they were speaking again.) It's over for good now since she's moved back home from across the country to remove herself from him.

 

But anyway, i got the "I need to be alone for a while" and "you need to give me a second to think how i feel." etc. I think I pushed too hard and probably ruined it for myself. But even that, I'm not really positive she's into me and just using me as a crutch to fill a void. I guess it doesn't matter. I don't know how to be friends and be ok knowing she's out dating and living her life. That's a huge ego knock for me. But at the same time I understand her need to do that after getting out of a toxic relationship. I don't know how I could continue with this friendship without hurting myself. I don't think she'll wake up one day in a few weeks/months and say she's in love with me and wants to be with me. I feel I'd be setting myself up for heartache.

 

I'm sad today. I feel like not only did I get rejected, I am losing a best friend..

 

I've just got around to reading this. The first thing that stood out in your 1st post was that she wasn't mentally out of the previous relationship. This latest update from you confirms it. You need to look at this from her viewpoint. Why should she go from one relationship, right into another one? That wouldn't be in her best interest.

 

Yes, she is using you to cushion the blow from breaking up with the ex. You know this, so this is nothing new. When she's ready to date again, there nothing wrong with her going out with other men. If you're the right person for her, then she'll find her way back to you.

 

Don't drop things just to be with her. That sends off the wrong signal. Continue to go out dating on your own. If she questions you about it, then simply state that she's not available, so you need to move on. If she's interested in you, then you won't be out there dating for long.

[maker]

Best of luck in turning the viscous circle into a viscous coupling!

 

And apologies for the terrible engineering pun.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, but at least you got your answers. There's nothing you can do. You were friends for a long time before this.

i got the "I need to be alone for a while" and "you need to give me a second to think how i feel." etc. I don't know how I could continue with this friendship without hurting myself. I feel like not only did I get rejected, I am losing a best friend..

[can1328]

Thanks everyone. I really don't know where this leaves us. I also don't know how to act now. I don't think she'll be reaching out as friends anymore with all that's been said. Should I let her go? Should I stay in some contact as friends and maybe she'll come around? If there's feelings there maybe they'll shine through as time goes on. Or maybe they won't.

 

For the past several years there hasn't been a week that goes by without me speaking to her via phone/text. I also just cant figure out if she truly has feelings for me or if this is just a way to soften the blow to me. All she was repeating was that she needs to be by herself. I also tend to be a severe overthinker. That's not helping me in this situation.

[SoulTaker]

Well I spoke to her about it. She basically said to me that all the feelings she has for me and the actions are real. But she needs to be alone for a while due to the relationship she just got out of. It was very toxic and she confessed it only ended about a month ago.

 

When a woman tells you that she needs her space, then abide by her wishes. There is no "one size fits all" for this situation. My take on it is that I would tell her up front that you're going to listen to her, and give her time to heal, but you're not waiting on her. When she's ready to go out again, then contact you.

 

If she tries to communicate with you while she's still in the healing stage, then remind her of her decision, and continue to leave her alone. If she's really interested in you, she will get back to you sooner than you think (she doesn't want to risk losing you to another woman).

 

If you don't hear from her again, then you'll have your answer as to whether she wanted to be with you. As mentioned earlier, others might have a different take on this.