In a weird place right now

[gypsybird87]

Hi all,

 

In case you haven't seen my prior threads, the short version of my situation is that a very good and happy relationship I was in for 1.5 years came quietly to an end back in April. There was zero drama or fighting; he ended it because he felt there was an "undefinable connection" missing, and that I'm not The One, though he wishes I were. I felt at the time- and still do- that the lack of connection has more to do with him not being over his exwife, than it does with me personally. Our relationship did include a really strong friendship base and some fairly specific shared activities. He requested that we stay friends. I said I couldn't right now but maybe in the future, and put NC in place. That upset him but he has respected my request. This is the first time I've ever gone through a breakup where I wanted to reconcile. Other breakups have either been my choice (twice), or involved infidelity on their side (twice). I have never, under any circumstances, stayed friends with an ex.

 

So. When all this happened, friends and people who knew us said he would change his mind. I disagreed. I knew he would not. Even when I contacted him after a month of NC, it was only to verify that so I could move on. I expected him to stand by his decision, and he did. I wasn't surprised. I wasn't hurt again. I didn't even cry. I took the release I needed, put NC back in place, and moved on. Since then I've been doing well. Busy. Pretty happy. Laughing, sleeping, eating are all normal again. I unblocked him on Pinterest and FB because my stalking urges/fears are gone. I've started some new activities and met some awesome new people. I met a nice guy... and though I feel nowhere near ready to date, he's attentive and that feels good. It's nice to be acknowledged after you've been tossed away.

 

I've been feeling good about the possibility of contacting my ex sometime soon, and being able to reconnect as friends and do some of our hobbies together, because I really miss that. I felt like I was on a good healing track. Over the last few days, it has changed. It's just sort of shifted. I still feel good, calm, happy (though not quite content). But I now have this feeling that we are going to get back together.

 

Why am I feeling like this? There isn't a reason in the world to think we'd reconcile, so I don't understand where this is coming from, especially when I was so certain of the opposite right from the beginning and consistently until now. Is this a normal part of the cycle? I'm not actively doing anything about it. I haven't contacted him, and have no current plan to do so. I feel no rush or urgency of any kind. I feel totally calm about it. I don't know if he's dating someone else, but when I consider that possibility it doesn't bother me, because it feels irrelevant to the bigger picture.

 

This has been the weirdest breakup ever. At least for me. Like I said I'm taking no action, because I don't feel compelled to. And partly because I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling this way. My guess is that it will pass on its own, but any insight or advice would be appreciated.

[reinventmyself]

Oooh . .It's just part of the process. The day before you pictured yourself being friends and being ok with it and today it's reconciliation?

Just goes to show you aren't ready to be his friend, right?

I am one month post break up and I am all over the map so I know of what you speak.

Just sit tight, acknowledge it's normal and trust that this will pass.

[gypsybird87]

Oooh . .It's just part of the process. The day before you pictured yourself being friends and being ok with it and today it's reconciliation?

Just goes to show you aren't ready to be his friend, right?

I am one month post break up and I am all over the map so I know of what you speak.

Just sit tight, acknowledge it's normal and trust that this will pass.

 

Sooo not ready, which is why I'm doing nothing. But like I said, I feel no real urge to take action anyway. It's weird. Totally calm, and kind of peaceful actually. My track so far has been: 1. wanting reconciliation but also feeling certain it was not possible, and friendship also not possible. 2. feeling reconciliation was not possible but friends might be. 3. not really wanting or thinking about reconciliation anymore, but suddenly getting this feeling that is it not only possible, but certain.

 

I'm curious what the next shift will be. Just gotta ride it out, I guess. I know what you mean about all over the map. I've been there in the past, but that's not how I feel now. I feel like I'm on a the steady curve of a circle that hasn't closed yet. It's hard to describe. I will sit tight. Sorry you are in this boat too, but thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

[reinventmyself]

I had a good day yesterday, lulled into thinking the storm has passed and here I am today backsliding.

I wake up everyday and take my pulse, much like you, not knowing what's in store.

Exhausting.

[gypsybird87]

I'm sorry today is tough for you. As I wrote on someone else's thread, I find the good-bad limbo time particularly brutal. Somehow it's easier when you wake up knowing the day will suck. But then add in some good days, and suddenly the bad days seem harder to bear, because we don't expect them and prepare for them every single day. It makes the good days feel like a cruel joke. Hang in there. *also I adore your avatar. I've always wanted to mention that to you.

[reinventmyself]

I'm sorry today is tough for you. As I wrote on someone else's thread, I find the good-bad limbo time particularly brutal. Somehow it's easier when you wake up knowing the day will suck. But then add in some good days, and suddenly the bad days seem harder to bear, because we don't expect them and prepare for them every single day. It makes the good days feel like a cruel joke. Hang in there. *also I adore your avatar. I've always wanted to mention that to you.

 

Thanks! My original avatar was a little depressing. This one made me smile, so . .

 

Hang in there too. Yes, it is a little cruel to be set back.

Mine threw me this morning to the point I was have seriously crazy thoughts of breaking NC. But I won't.

Don't know why mornings are the hardest. Funny thing I have read, this morning alone two others say the same exact thing.

[catfeeder]

Just as grief plays out in waves and in cycles, so does hope. You were flirting with ideas of playing friendzies with the guy, and this lead you directly back into the waters of hope for reconciliation.

 

The problem is, we can't 'reconcile' anyone into feeling what they don't feel.

 

Unless the guy tracks you down and speaks and demonstrates in leaps and bounds that he's definitively caught those 'missing' feelings for you that he couldn't define... where does anything less get you? Dipping your toes into the friendship water is a mistake, because it might land you some sentimentality--and even if that leads to a partial-hearted attempt to get back together, where does THAT get you? A partial heart while you deserve a full one.

 

And you'll know it.

 

So from there it will only be a matter of time--a week, a month, or whatever--before you're back into the toxic soup of discomfort with the knowledge that the guy is just not your true match.

 

Your true match will bring you unquestioned and unquestionable simpatico beyond the joys of friendship, and it will be MUTUAL.

 

Hold out for what you want and deserve. Don't play friendzies--especially with someone who you adore and 'wish' that things could be different. That's a recipe for disaster, and it will set back all the healing time you've invested so far. The real healing is still yet to come, and by then, you'll have grown to value your real friends enough to hold no need for setting up yourself as an impostor.

 

Head high, and keep doing what you're doing. It will get you to a place that you will thank yourself for later.

[gypsybird87]

I'm going to just ride this wave out. Sounds like it is normal and will dissipate on its own. I'm not sure about being friends with him. I'd still like to, and I think it's possible.... but I recognize that just because I want to and/or can doesn't mean it would be healthy or the right choice to do so. NC is bringing me good clarity so far, so I'm sure it will answer that question to as more time goes by.

 

I think part of the reason I was willing to stay in a relationship with someone less than my "true match", is that I simply do not believe in true matches anymore. I have been in two long-term relationships where I felt that complete simpatico and joy, and the other person professed to as well. They still ended badly and I got hurt more than any other time because I was invested so deeply. I'm not including my current break up as one of those times, because we never achieved that level.

 

I suppose it could be argued that if it ended and they left me, then they weren't my true match, etc. But honestly, I don't believe in it anymore. I'm too jaded. I think people enter into relationships and stay for as long as it makes them happy, gets them laid, is easy and fun etc etc. And when that shifts, as it always will, because life isn't roses every minute, then they leave in search of easier, greener, whatever.. instead of doing the work to keep the relationship they already have. I no longer believe that matching has anything to do with it. It's commitment I find most lacking, not compatibility. That's why it annoyed me (as well as hurt) that my ex chucked what we had in order to search for something I personally believe doesn't exist. He's on a literal unicorn hunt, as far as I'm concerned. And best of luck to him, I guess. Maybe if you believe hard enough, you can make a unicorn appear out of thin air?? I don't know. But my faith is gone, and that was already the case before I ever met my ex.

[Ms Darcy]

Ride the wave sweetie. Feelings are weird and non-linear. You will be OK.

 

I would NOT travel the friend path though. You probably don't want to hear about him dating other ladies.

[catfeeder]

I'm not sure about being friends with him. I'd still like to, and I think it's possible.... but I recognize that just because I want to and/or can doesn't mean it would be healthy or the right choice to do so.

 

Play it out logically. You pursue friendship, and then what? Where does it lead you and what does it buy you beyond the pain of wishing for something more with someone who is actively out there dating to find 'that feeling'.

 

What kind of friendship is that? It not only delays your own healing, it puts you in a false place of manipulation under the guise of friendship. So how does that move you forward? You can't heal, so you remain disinterested in other guys, and if you do try to date, it's likely just to make ex jealous--while no reasonable guy in his right mind would want to get involved with you while you still have an ex in the picture.

 

So it's a just a path to manipulative stagnation. Play all reasonable scenarios out in your mind and see where they land. No conceivable position is a good one. Even if the guy turns around and wants to reconcile, you wouldn't be able to trust that outcome for any length of time because you'll sense that he has just been weakened by sentimentality, and you know that he'll recognize his mistake within the first moment, week or month that he caves.

 

That's NOT how to win someone back, because you'll know that you can't trust the outcome. The only good outcome needs to come from HIM, and without your influence--or you'll know better--and if you think NC is painful now, this is nothing on the pain meter compared to that.

 

I think part of the reason I was willing to stay in a relationship with someone less than my "true match", is that I simply do not believe in true matches anymore.

 

That's well and good, but it won't buy you anything but heartbreak when you try to match with anyone who DOES believe that he will find his true match. I mean, sure, you can opt to settle for less--but you'll need to do that with someone who's also ready to hang up the ideal. This guy was not him.

 

I have been in two long-term relationships where I felt that complete simpatico and joy, and the other person professed to as well. They still ended badly and I got hurt more than any other time because I was invested so deeply. I'm not including my current break up as one of those times, because we never achieved that level.

 

The simpatico and joy is the lowest bar most people are willing to entertain. When you find that rare element, it's the starting point for all else--not a guarantee that you've both found the right time of life or the right circumstances or that dealbreakers won't emerge later.

 

When simpatico is your minimum requirement, you'll need to screen out a lot of wrong matches to meet it. From there, you'll still need to navigate the real life stuff that can make or break that simpatico into something solid or something that only clings to the initial high until love is not enough.

 

But it's the best minimum requirement I can think of for those who aren't catering to arranged marriages or partnering up for other reasons, such as security or some other tradeoff.

 

Maybe if you believe hard enough, you can make a unicorn appear out of thin air?? I don't know. But my faith is gone, and that was already the case before I ever met my ex.

 

If finding love were easy, what would be special about it? You're as entitled as anyone to lower your bar or cave into cynicism--but what, exactly, does that buy you? Certainly not any liberation from painful breakups, because you'll still need to screen, but in the opposite direction. You'll need to weed out those who don't match your degree of cynicism, and as you've noticed, that's not an easier deal.

 

What if finding the right match doesn't happen according to our calendar? In my book, that just means that I should chuck my calendar rather than settle for anything less than I could give to my Self solo, even while I get to keep my optimism in tact.

 

A GF and I were walking a park when we saw an elderly couple cuddling on a bench. Friend says, "Ghaaad...that makes me sad for myself, because I envy their history together." I asked, "How do you know that they didn't just meet?"

 

Head high, Gypsy.

[gypsybird87]

Excellent advice catfeeder, as always.

 

I think of my view about true match as less about settling, and more about having no desire to throw away something great, because of some niggling idea that there might be something greater. End a bad or unhappy relationship, yes. Absolutely. End a good and happy one because I don't have fairies singing and unicorns dancing in my belly.... no. I've sought that out before. Found it. Thought it was forever, and got screwed over harder than any other time. I'm not falling for that again. As far as what that gets me, ultimately I'm not sure. Maybe a life alone? I have no idea. I'm open to giving and receiving love. But I'm very weary of being told that my love isn't good enough, and getting left behind in the search for something better.

 

I like your last comment about maybe the older couple had just met. What a sweet thought.

[boltnrun]

Let's say you contact him asking to be "friends".

 

Then one day, you two plan to see a movie and he brings along another lady..."hey gypsybird, meet my new girlfriend!"

 

If that thought makes you feel anything other than genuinely happy for him...you're not ready to be "friends".

[gypsybird87]

Let's say you contact him asking to be "friends".

 

Then one day, you two plan to see a movie and he brings along another lady..."hey gypsybird, meet my new girlfriend!"

 

If that thought makes you feel anything other than genuinely happy for him...you're not ready to be "friends".

 

I completely agree with you, which is exactly why we are not friends right now. I'm not at that place yet and may never be. I hope I'll get there, but that doesn't mean I will.

[boltnrun]

I completely agree with you, which is exactly why we are not friends right now. I'm not at that place yet and may never be. I hope I'll get there, but that doesn't mean I will.

 

You will, I promise.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Just as grief plays out in waves and in cycles, so does hope. You were flirting with ideas of playing friendzies with the guy, and this lead you directly back into the waters of hope for reconciliation.

 

The problem is, we can't 'reconcile' anyone into feeling what they don't feel.

 

Unless the guy tracks you down and speaks and demonstrates in leaps and bounds that he's definitively caught those 'missing' feelings for you that he couldn't define... where does anything less get you? Dipping your toes into the friendship water is a mistake, because it might land you some sentimentality--and even if that leads to a partial-hearted attempt to get back together, where does THAT get you? A partial heart while you deserve a full one.

 

And you'll know it.

 

So from there it will only be a matter of time--a week, a month, or whatever--before you're back into the toxic soup of discomfort with the knowledge that the guy is just not your true match.

 

Your true match will bring you unquestioned and unquestionable simpatico beyond the joys of friendship, and it will be MUTUAL.

 

Hold out for what you want and deserve. Don't play friendzies--especially with someone who you adore and 'wish' that things could be different. That's a recipe for disaster, and it will set back all the healing time you've invested so far. The real healing is still yet to come, and by then, you'll have grown to value your real friends enough to hold no need for setting up yourself as an impostor.

 

Head high, and keep doing what you're doing. It will get you to a place that you will thank yourself for later.

 

Catfeeder? Brilliant post. Two things I loved... "Don't play friendzies--especially with someone who you adore and 'wish' that things could be different." Yes. And, "So from there it will only be a matter of time--a week, a month, or whatever--before you're back into the toxic soup of discomfort with the knowledge that the guy is just not your true match.

 

Your true match will bring you unquestioned and unquestionable simpatico beyond the joys of friendship, and it will be MUTUAL."

 

Absolutely perfect in every way. Thank you.

[Nebraskagirl14]

let's say you contact him asking to be "friends".

 

Then one day, you two plan to see a movie and he brings along another lady..."hey gypsybird, meet my new girlfriend!"

 

if that thought makes you feel anything other than genuinely happy for him...you're not ready to be "friends".

 

yes!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!