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The love of my life has just broken my heart

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I hope that this belongs here. I recently found hundreds and hundreds of transexual and woman escort e-mails on my husbands computer. I showed him and asked him about it. He said they were just e-mails and he was passing it off as nothing. I dug deeper and found out that he had been paying hundreds of dollars to these escorts and it was at least 5 times a week. Sometimes more and sometimes less. We are not young people (in our late 50's) and have sex a minimum of 8 to 10 times a week. I considered our sex life fulfilling and wonderful. But apparently it was not. I have gone through what I consider several stages of grief. My biggest question is why? I set out some difficult demands, such as getting tested for STD's. Wiping all of the computers' hard drives, etc. I realize that nothing can stop him from doing what he wants to do. He will simply get new e-mails and passwords and even though I have complete transparency of the bank accounts - he can start a new one of those too. So, where do I go from here. I am petite, work out daily, eat very healthy and no overweight, and try very hard to keep myself in good shape but I am not 20. Most of his escorts are young but a few are my age. I do not know what is wrong with me and he will not talk about it so this is my venting place. At this point, I need to know what I can do to regain my self esteem. My heart is shattered, I can't sleep or eat or even work. I am so pre occupied with what he is doing while I am at work. I gathered as many of the addresses, phone numbers and prices as I could and have turned the information over to the police, however, I am sure that is not going to stop any one from doing what they are doing.


These escorts do not realize what they are doing to couples and families, although it is his fault.


What do I do now?

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I think your blame is misdirected: its not your fault and its not the escorts ITS YOUR HUSBAND.


You need to file for divorce! provide all the info you have. I would be absolutely sickened. I cannot understand how you did not kick his a@@ out, as soon as you found out.


Seems that your husband prefers men. He is bisexual! There is nothing you can change. I'm sorry!


Get tested.

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Their 'profession' is providing sexual services, not marriage counseling. That's your job to seek out.


Stop playing detective and either seek marriage counselling or consult an attorney about divorce info.

These escorts do not realize what they are doing to couples and families
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You need to seek therapy yes, but more to find out why you've internalized HIS actions to be your fault. And I suspect there may have been some sort of abuse or gaslighting going on from him, because not once did I hear "What is wrong with HIM?" But he is the problem, not you. Infidelity is a choice, so is risking your partner's health and very life by cheating on them with other people. I'm sorry in today's day of AIDS and other fatal diseases it's like playing with a loaded gun at your partner's head.


So I would say first, you need to stop a moment and ask yourself why on earth you do think this is your fault in any way. Come on, you know it's not the sex life, you know it's not that you insult or berate him, you know you have done nothing here. He is the problem, and he has a big one of the addiction kind and he always will unless he chooses to fix it.


What you describe is not just someone who gosh is so unhappy with their marriage they simply must seek something from others. Come on, you can see this guy's actions are anything but normal. I mean, dang when does he even have time to work? Does he work, or do you just foot all the bills and he's using you to pay for his habit?


What you do right now is quietly tell him okay, then you secretly gather up all evidence of his cheating and hurry up before he deletes everything. Then you go and see a divorce attorney, get a consult with them, figure out how to protect any assets you own and/or have a part in, then when all your ducks are lined up in a row you hit him with a divorce and you dump him.


And I say that, because therapy probably wouldn't work even if he played at going. Not with him needing sex that badly and risking everything to get strange with any and every woman he can possibly get his hands on. There is something seriously broken with your husband and I think if you look past the fairy tale for a minute you will be able to see there were clear red flags there from the beginning, because no one gets to that point without something having been really wrong in the first place.


Sorry, but if you stay with him this won't get better, because he's never openly admitted it or even wanted to talk about it. And you're right, you shouldn't now have to be his jailer or his mother. If he can't be loyal to you and his moral compass with his partner is broken that's his problem. Your job right now is to get your head on straight to realize it IS his problem and he should deal with that without you.


But you need to take steps to protect yourself and I mean that in all ways. You going and talking to someone will help, you stopping a moment to ask yourself "Why do I think this is my fault?" will be a good first step, because frankly you blaming yourself makes about as much sense as if you were on here saying you're the reason the world is having earthquakes that kill thousands of people.

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thank you all for your kind comments.


My husband asked me why I did not kick him out. The truth of the matter is I love him and I love my life. Had I not found out I still would have been the happiest person in the world.


I am going to seek counseling as he has already been going to counseling. He got tested and everything was negative thank God.


I just needed to share with someone.


thank you all for listening.

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