Does she even care anymore?

[Loner8080]

Hello.

 

I'm new to this forum, but I need some advice.

 

Okay, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 and a half months now. At first I had a VERY hard time getting her to do as much as touch me. She will kiss me now, but it seems like that is all she wants to do when she does anything physical. Sometimes it really bothers me when we're all alone sitting on a couch or something and she wont initiate anything. It's useless talking to her cause I've allready done that several times.

 

She isn't very emotional either, Ii guess. She never really expresses how she feels. It's always like "it sucks" when she's sad about something, but she will NEVER show it. She has told me she won't in the past because "it's dumb." And she is always making jokes. Which is great, but it's to the point where i feel if i tell her I'm sad cause of ____, she will make a joke out of it.

 

Also, I feel like she doesn't care about me any more. This above two things have been making me depressed over the past week and she has picked up on it. She said "why the long face?" and laughed. That just made it worse for me. When I have a bad day it doesn't seem like she cares at all.

 

Anyways, I am kinda looking to get it all out and to maybe get some advice on what i should do.

 

Loner8080

[clodhopper]

I think you should maybe tell her how when she jokes ALL the time, it's really hard when you're having a bad day. Tell her it's good that she can joke around but it makes it hard for you to talk to her if you need to say something because you're afraid of just being laughed at.

 

Hopefully she'll understand and respect your needs... good luck

[arwen]

Hey loner,

 

Welcome here

 

From what I read in your post, I get the impression that the problem is 'within' your girlfriend rather than between the two of you. She seems completely blocked when it comes to emotions.

 

Her putting you off when you tell her something that upsets you could be a sign she simply doesn't know how to cope with problems in general.

 

That could hold for the jokes as well, I think. People will often joke when they are in fact emotionally unavailable. Being the funny one can be used as a mask to cover up what's going on inside of someone.

 

The problem for you is if you can cope with this. You seem to have made efforts enough to talk to her about this. Can you describe what a conversation like that was like? For starters, what would you ask her to begin this conversation? Some things can immediately block a 'closed' person even more.

 

take care,

 

Ilse.

[clodhopper]

yeah Ilse is right -- people that are the jokers in a crowd tend to have something else going on inside that they're trying to cover up. i find with my ex boyfriend, in a group he tries so much to be the cool funny one that i think he's really insecure about himself. my friends have also commented on it too... just makes you wonder what they're trying to hide by telling all these jokes. consider it.

[Loner8080]

Thanks for responding,

 

When I started our last convosation about why she isn't affectionate, I asked her why she wanted a boyfriend. She said

"to get massages, HAHAHAHAHA!"

me: long pause

she eventually said she just wanted someone to be a close friend to her, to laugh with her, hang out with her, "and all the other stuff too," etc.

she went on to say she would try to be more affectionate and that she "wanted to be."

 

I haven't talked to her about her emotional 'status.' She won't answer it and if she does it will be "i dunno."

 

I especially hate telling her I'm sad if i'm talking to her on the phone or the internet, because of what she does to friends.

after his girlfriend cheated on him

friend: "My day was sooo bad."

her: i'm sitting next to her as she is rolling her eyes and muttering "godddddd" but types:

"i'm sorry"

 

I can only HOPE she doesn't do this to me.

 

It's not something I can change either.

ahhh. too much to process, i'll end this

 

Loner8080

[DN]

When you say you will end this did you mean the post or the relationship?

 

I think it is unlikely that she will change much, that is her personality, the way she is hard-wired. I would advise you to make a choice. You either continue with her as she is, accepting that you will not get much emotional support from her; or you end the relationship and try to find someone more in tune with you on an emotional level.

[cooldude1234]

he used my name

 

 

I meant end the post.

 

Yeah, I knew it would be impossible to change her. Things are great when I'm not stressed out, sad or in an otherwise bad mood. But, when I do get sad or stressed, I feel completely alone.

 

I don't want to dump her cause I really like her, but sometimes it's almost unbearable.

 

Thanks for your responses, any more are welcome.

 

Loner8080

 

log me out next time, john

[greenowl88]

I'm curious to know how old you two are. Is this her first relationship? Do you care a lot about her?

 

To me, it seems she has no regard at all for your feelings, and if that's so, maybe you two shouldn't be together. We all need to feel loved and cared about., and if we're not getting that from the ONE relationship we should be, then something is wrong.

 

You said that you have told her on numerous occasions how you feel, and that there is still no change. That tells me she doesn't care about you. Is there any way she shows you affection? What ways do you show her you care?

 

Do you know about her past? Has she been in an abusive relationship?

 

I personally think that you should talk to her about it again, and tell her how MUCH this is hurting you. If she doesn't change, you should go find someone that cares about you and knows how to show it, like you deserve.

 

Good luck!!

[Loner8080]

whoops, sorry, I didn't relize you were logged this comp still.

 

This is her first relationship and I DO care a lot about her.

 

Se shows affection by kissing. Anything else she does seems like she doesn't NEED to do it, she just does it. I can't explain it very well. I am really affectionate to her and i kiss her and try to cuddle with her.

 

She wasn't abused or anything by family either. They are just conservative.

 

Loner8080

[greenowl88]

The fact that her family is conservative might have something to do with it. Maybe her parents are like that in their relationship, and so thereforeeee she thinks that's the correct and only way to act. Some people are ok with that in a relationship. I have a friend that is not a romantic type of person at all, but her boyfriend is. They still care about each other, but I think that at times it's going to hurt the more affectionate person in the relationship.

 

If you're someone that needs more out of a relationship on the lines of being affectionate and loving, you can either work on this with her, or find someone that is more like you.

 

Opposites attract, but not always. It's all up to what you can deal with in a relationship, and not only always about how much you care about the person. You have the right to be happy too!!!!