ADVICE........ANYONE

[Bellagrace]

I am new to this so I will just tell my story. My boyfriend and I had been together for 8 years in march. we started dating in highschool and it continued on into our college years, we went to college together and live together there too. I am in my second year of my masters. This past summer he moved back to our home town to get a really good job. Ever since then we had been bickering at each other. I just thought that it was because we were frustrated at the fact that in 8 years we were apart. But I guess that was not the case. He called me on Valentine's day and pretty much said that he needs time to be himself. He is emotionally drained from the argueing( which it was never big fights, just stupid little things). He said that we can be friends.....but how do you go from being lovers to only friends. I don't think that will work.

He didn't talk to me for two weeks, which was the worst pain that I have ever felt. He and I also have two dogs....one his and one mine. He also decided to "give" me his dog cause he doesn't have time to take care of her.

Well its been 3 weeks and we casually talk on the internet and have spoken by phone a couple of times. I asked him out on a date and he said yes. I am really confused about what to think. He wanted space from me but he is willing to talk to me on the phone, internet etc. and go out on a date with me?? After 8 years and all that we have been through I did not expect this to happen. Does anyone have any advice about what I should do about him and does anyone think that it is worth going on a date with him?? Thank you to all who respone. P.s sorry this is so scatter brained, but thats how i have been operating these days!!!!

[melrich]

Well I can't tell you what is going on but after 8 years you definitely have a right to know. I guess he knows you are upset with the way he is behaving? If not tell him. If he is, tell him you want to know what's going on with him. Tell him it's the not knowing that is hurting. Tell him that if he wants to call it quits he has to tell you.

 

I think you have every right to demand answers.

[Prosper]

Hi,

 

I think you can approach him with the topic of his dog. You can say,"friends dun give dogs away due to lack of time and have the time to date the dog's receiver." This is a chic way of starting a conversation.

 

He sounds to me that he maybe planning to have 'dog visit' as a lame way to date you later. Yes. He sounds tired of quarrelling, you can tell by the way he lessen quarrels by drifting into his own space.

 

And, i believe you need that too. You need to define your margins of friends and tell him that as well. If he loves you, he would very much apprecate your comments.

[mandyglass]

Do you think it's possible that he could be wanting to see someone else, and just doesn't know quite how to tell you that?

[Sn0man]

Regardless of what other posters here have said, if you've been with the guy for 8 years, and survived college together, then yes, you should keep this relationship going, as you have survived the hardest part of life in a relationship. If he needs some space, so be it. Don't tell me you couldn't use a little yourself. Go out and have fun with your friends, let him do the same. When you 2 have been out there alone for a while, you'll both realize that you have something too important to throw away.

 

Just let things woirk out on their own. Nature seems to work magic all on her own.

 

Good Luck

 

Sn0

[aschoom]

I understand how you feel. I recently got an email from my boyfriend who said that he wanted to focus on his education and wanted to still be friends and hang out. Some guys just don't deal well with stress, I guess. But, I dunno how to deal. I know I shouldn't take him back since he's done this so many times before. And to now hear his friend say that he calls me "effing stupid." I guess I call him vulgar things when I am mad too. But why would he take me out for my birthday last week and for Valentine's Day if he didn't care? Why does he do that? Is this the stress of finals (which is coming up soon) or a sign for me to FINALLY move on?

 

All I can say is don't stand in the way of what he wants...he will resent you if you do...

[DN]

He is emotionally drained from the argueing( which it was never big fights, just stupid little things).

 

Are you sure that they were stupid, little things to him? Was there a theme to these, i.e. about issues that are a smokescreen for a much larger issue?

 

It is possible that they are just an excuse for him to withdraw - but it is also possible that if he is telling the truth about them being emotionally draining, then they were probaby a bigger issue than you are realising or acknowledging. And if you are dismissing things that are important to him as stupid, little things, then I suggest that is a mistake on your part.

[annie24]

Hmmm.... so, if you guys have been together for 8 years, and you haven't gotten married yet, that's kinda a red flag for me. Even though you two are young, I mean, 8 years is a long time to be with someone without them really committing to you. I agree with DN - I think that there may be other issues going on - perhaps he doesn't think you two should be married?

[jabean]

Well, it seems to me you have two ways of approaching this "date". And ultimately, you will have to do what your heart and gut tells you to do. Sit with both scenerios and see which one feels right in your body.

 

1) You could approach it as a time to have fun. That means you DO NOT talk about the relationship or lack there of. You DO NOT rehash old issues. You treat it as a "first date". Like it's someone brand new and you want to have fun with them. If he brings it up, listen. But if the two of you were bickering a lot, you don't want to fall into that pattern. This might help rekindle a flame, but you will need to continue from this point, and in this frame of reference afterward. It can be very difficult to do if you are harboring a lot of hurt feelings and insecurities.

 

2) You could seek closure and have a "TALK". Expect that it may be the end to the romantic side of your relationship. Get the answers you are looking for, and let go for a while. In the future you could be friends, but don't look for that right away. It takes time. Usually months, until all the old feelings of deeper connection fade.

 

I wish you the best with whatever is right for you.

[Bellagrace]

thank you all for all the great advice. I have being practicing the NC method and it has worked (although it sucks). I am anticipating the "date" with him and I think that I am just gonna let things fall as they may. I m going to approach the situation as a first date like a poster suggested and if he brings up our situation then I guess I will try to get some answers. If not, I'm just going to continue to give him his space and see where this goes. It could be good or I could hit a brick wall.......but I am prepared for that. SO..... thank you all again for your thoughts. Its really conforting to know that others whom I don't even know care and are in similar situations. It really is bitter sweet.